Thursday, September 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I gave a talk where he called illegal immigrants “pilgrims.” He isn’t the first. So did the American Indians.

A new car seat monitors drivers’ physical and mental status to detect their stress level. Which is usually at its highest for Chrysler owners when they put the key in the ignition and are just hoping the car will start.

A new car seat monitors drivers’ physical and mental status to detect their stress level. For GM vehicle owners it is usually at its highest when they aren’t even in the car but opening their mail and getting another recall notice.

Volkswagen CEO Martin Winterkorn has resigned over the carmaker’s emissions scandal. He says the whole experience has left him exhausted.

A daytime Emmy winning producer has been arrested for stabbing his roommate during a discussion about the Oscars. Which means he could win another daytime Emmy for his inevitable appearances on “Jerry Springer”, “Maury” and “Steve Wilkos.”

A report says fake Uber drivers in Chicago are robbing people waiting for rides. Which most people don’t mind because it just reminds them of the old days when they still had to use taxis.

A report says that robots are rapidly taking over many workers’ jobs in China. To which American workers are saying “So how much do you like it?”

A report says that robots are rapidly taking over many workers’ jobs in China. Which has to be tough for the Chinese factory workers who are looking at having to go through job retraining when they aren’t that far removed from potty training.

A report says a growing number of Californians believe the drought is not real but a government conspiracy. Which asks the question as to why they don’t feel the same way about the state’s housing, job market, and economy?

A report says a growing number of Californians believe the drought is not real but a government conspiracy. Those are mostly women. The men are just happy the lack of water means they don’t have to mow the lawn anymore.

Donald Trump says he will not make anymore appearances on Fox News in the foreseeable future. That could hurt his numbers. Who will think a Republican will be able to deal with the Middle East crisis if he can’t even make peace with Roger Ailes?

Donald Trump says he will not make anymore appearances on Fox News in the foreseeable future. It’s getting so bad he has placed the threat of ISIS to the U.S. behind that of Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity and Megyn Kelly.

A poll says that one in four Democrats’ top presidential choice is Joe Biden. The other three say it will be anyone but Donald Trump.

The President of China has opened the door to U.S. businesses. He says they are welcome anytime to come over and visit all the jobs that they have sent his way.

The Dalai Lama says that a woman could succeed him, although she “must be attractive.” Which means all those questions about world peace asked to Miss America contestants were really part of an audition to become the leader of the Buddhist religion.

The Dalai Lama says that a woman could succeed him, although she “must be attractive.” Although it depends on what standards are used, as the Dalai Lama once said no one filled out a habit like Mother Teresa.

Canada’s Prime Minister says his country is not in a recession despite data that says otherwise. Mostly because it isn’t considered a recession in Canada until the people look in the refrigerator and don’t see any bacon, beans or beer.

Los Angeles has declared a state of emergency over homelessness. The Red Cross has been called in to make sure that everyone has access to the bare necessities to live in L.A. like a daily Starbucks latte, Perrier and a dish of vegan ice cream.

Los Angeles has declared a state of emergency over homelessness. So far $650,000 has been collected which has gone to one family to get them into a two bedroom fixer upper in Pacoima.

A study says that fidgeting while sitting is more healthy for people than sitting still. Which shows that the country could become more fit if the people elect Joe Biden President and have to sit through all his speeches.

A study says that fidgeting while sitting is more healthy for people than sitting still. How out of shape have we gotten when a nervous twitch is now considered a form of exercise?

A report says making a chicken sandwich from scratch would cost $1,500 and take six months. Which including reservation time and a martini is pretty much called lunch time in Manhattan.

A “programming error” by Verizon has caused an Oregon couple to end up with a $2 Million cellphone bill. The error was in not crediting the couple with a $5 rebate for signing up under the family plan.

A “programming error” by Verizon has caused an Oregon couple to end up with a $2 Million cellphone bill. Although it may also have to do with them buying 1,998,000 ring tones.

A survey says that people who tuck their shirts in at work are happier with their job, more optimistic and make more money. Especially when the other people don’t tuck in their shirts because they aren’t wearing any pants.

A survey says that people who tuck their shirts in at work are happier with their job, more optimistic and make more money. Especially when the shirts the others are wearing and not tucking in are beer stained wife beaters.

Researchers at the University of Washington say they have been able to send people’s thoughts over the Internet. The number one thought from people living in Washington State is “What was Pete Carroll thinking not handing the ball to Marshawn Lynch?”

Researchers at the University of Washington say they have been able to send people’s thoughts over the Internet. Most of the thoughts of the research subjects had to do with wondering how long until the test ends and they can go back to watching Internet porn.

Northwestern University is offering sex education to incoming freshmen. Most other schools have been offering that for years. It’s called fraternity keg parties.

A study says that half of all seafood in the U.S. goes to waste. The good news is that most of that is recycled, ending up in the Red Lobster all you can eat buffet.

A study says that sitting too much is also unhealthy for children. Although the kids say they get in trouble for making a mess when they try to play video games while eating pizza and drinking soda when they are standing.

A study says it is hard for some people to tell what toe is being touched by someone if they can’t see it. Mostly because the majority of Americans haven’t been able to see their toes since they turned 30.

Kendall Jenner is the newest face of the “Rock the Vote” campaign. Which may get a lot of people to the polls out of feeling a need to cancel out the voting selections of Kendall Jenner.

Kendall Jenner is the newest face of the “Rock the Vote” campaign. Apparently the idea is to let people know even she isn’t dumb enough to vote for her brother-in-law when he runs for President.

The two Texas high school football players who attacked a referee will be able to return to school next semester. The players learned a valuable lesson. If you want to cheat, do something where there are no witnesses, like letting the air out of the footballs.

Instagram is now the second largest social network, passing Twitter. Apparently it’s just so much easier to look at pictures than read through all 140 characters of what someone is writing.

A report says that social networks will take in $26 Billion in ad money this year. Who knew that the world’s biggest sponsorships have moved from professional athletes to cat videos?

The CEOs of Apple, Microsoft and Amazon are meeting with the President of China. When asked how they should address him, the answer from his representative was “Boss.”

Hackers reportedly took the fingerprints of 5.6 Million U.S. workers. Although the only thing it got them was their computer screens covered by the world’s biggest smudge.

Wireless carriers have boosted their capacity to avoid strains on the systems during the visit of Pope Francis I. Or as AT&T calls a strain on the system, more than three people trying to place a call at the same time.

A study says that 70% of the world’s sea birds have disappeared over the past 60 years. Mostly from dying prematurely from eating all the waste thrown overboard on cruise ships after each buffet.

A study says that 70% of the world’s sea birds have disappeared over the past 60 years. It’s not that they have disappeared. It’s just that they are too hard to recognize when they are covered with that fresh coat of shiny black oil.

The “Doomsday Vault” which holds a supply of the world’s seeds in case of a catastrophe has had its first withdrawal because of the war in Syria. People were shocked. The can grow plants in Syria?

The “Doomsday Vault” which holds a supply of the world’s seeds in case of a catastrophe has had its first withdrawal because of the war in Syria. The vault was built to preserve seeds for at least 200 years. Which is nice to know we made it all the way from 2008 before our first planetary crisis.

The NFL has won federal approval to film games using drones. The players don’t mind. The only filming that has ever gotten them in trouble is the video coming out of security cameras placed in elevators.

The NFL has won federal approval to film games using drones. To which New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick says he thought of that years ago but gave up on it because every time the drone came around the other team closed their playbooks.

Doctors say that it is OK for people who have had a heart attack to have sex. Especially men who get three minutes of mild activity right before immediate deep sleep.

Donald Trump says he has the temperament to bring people together. He has certainly united all the other Republican candidates into trying to gang up to do whatever they can to keep Trump from getting the nomination.

Donald Trump called Senator Marco Rubio a “lightweight.” Mostly because at the time Rubio was standing next to Chris Christie.

The Chicago Cubs are complaining about the shape of the field conditions at Wrigley Field following a concert by AC/DC. Apparently the concert was booked in late September because the team is usually by now eliminated and just playing its reserves.

Donald Trump says he will unveil his tax plan next week that will give cuts to the middle class. Which is great news for the three working families who are still just far enough above the poverty line to still be considered middle class.

Jeb Bush attended mass with Pope Francis I. Apparently he is thinking he may not become President, but if he can revive his campaign enough to at least get the nomination he could be canonized into sainthood for performing a miracle.

Jeb Bush says Pope Francis I is a religious leader who should stay out of politics. That is nowhere more clear than with ordained minister Mike Huckabee most recent poll numbers pulling in 2% of the vote.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I like how Republican presidential candidates are criticizing the Pope for making what they see as political statements. I had no idea supporting giving the poor some food was based on party affiliation. It’s just a good thing that the Republicans have never pushed religion on us, like say Running Pat Robertson for President or trying to defund Planned Parenthood. As a former Catholic, I have to say I like this Pope. The man rides around in a Fiat and tells us to stop fighting wars, polluting the planet and that we need to take care of the less fortunate. It’s only when someone makes that his platform that people start complaining about mixing religion and politics. If there were more people like him around, I might even consider going back to the faith. In the meantime, you can all pray for my wayward soul. Or better yet, just take some time to remember to send the love!

No comments: