Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says the U.S. Postal Service hasn’t made a profit since 2007. Most people were surprised by the news. There was a time when the Post Office made a profit?

A report says the U.S. Postal Service hasn’t made a profit since 2007 and is in need of reform. What they need to do is put it under Jeff Bezos whose company Amazon.com hasn’t made a profit in 20 years but still has everyone convinced he is a genius.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has pulled out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. He is on the record as doubting climate change. Although it is hard to convince someone of the evils of global warming when it just means not having to shovel snow off the driveway in June.

A poll says that half of Americans say the government is an “immediate threat” to their rights and freedoms. The other half feel they are a threat but know nothing the government ever takes on is immediate.

A gym in Nantucket is offering memberships that include a $120,000 initiation fee along with membership costs of $5,000 a year. That doesn’t even include the person who the super rich will be hiring to do their exercises for them.

A study says that Daniel Craig has consumed more alcohol in movies than any other actor who has played James Bond. He drinks so much, Bond’s code number has been changed to 007 and 7.

A study says that Daniel Craig has consumed more alcohol in movies than any other actor who has played James Bond. It should have been obvious there is a drinking problem for anyone who has such specific instructions as “shaken, not stirred” for something as simple a martini.

A report says that selfies are responsible for more deaths worldwide than sharks. Especially for people who open the door of their shark cage so they can try to snap a picture of themselves with a great white.

A report says that selfies are responsible for more deaths worldwide than sharks. That doesn’t even include annoying people enough to where a visit to a proctologist is required to have a selfie stick removed.

A media group is launching a global fact checking network. Which may be necessary for the rest of the world, but at least in Washington, D.C. it’s pretty much a guarantee that any statements coming out of the White House or Congress are lies.

A study says that sex doesn’t cause heart attacks. At least not until your girlfriend’s husband comes home from work unexpectedly early.

A federal study is tracking the eating habits of obese people with sensors worn on their waist. Although a more effective way might be to have them wear GPS devices that show how often they are heading over to the HomeTown Buffet.

McDonald’s restaurants in Sweden will start taking reservations for tables. Although in their defense a Big Mac sounds like fine dining in a country where the only other dinner alternative is lutefisk.

McDonald’s restaurants in Sweden will start taking reservations for tables. What’s next, valet parking while waiting for an order at the drive-thru?

An Indiana woman was injured when she jumped out of her moving car after seeing a spider. The car would have been OK except that the spider didn’t have time to grip the steering wheel in the proper 10 and 2 and 9 and 3 and 6 and 4 and 8 and 5 position.

An American Airlines flight from Dallas to South Korea ran into issues that turned the scheduled 14 hour flight into a 40 hour ordeal. Or as United Airlines calls arriving 26 hours late, “a pretty strong tail wind.”

Pope Francis I has arrived in the U.S. where he will give most of his speeches in Spanish. Which has upset Donald Trump who wants to meet with the Pope to remind him that God speaks only in English.

The U.S. Interior Department has denied endangered species protection for the sage grouse. Which brings up the question if those birds are so sage, why do they always grouse?

A new measurement tool reportedly shows that Millennials are watching as much TV as ever. Which is hard to believe they are able to have time for TV after spending all day on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

Brian Williams returned to the airwaves anchoring the coverage of Pope Francis I on MSNBC. He is eager to interview the Pontiff to tell him about the time he covered the Last Supper.

Poll numbers show that Pope Francis I has higher ratings than Donald Trump. To which Trump says that is understandable because the Pope is very likable and it’s hard to be as popular when you are the person he works for.

Groupon is set to lay off 1,100 workers or about a tenth of its work force. It could have been worse but the company avoided laying off even more people because workers searched the discount site and found a 50% off work reduction coupon.

Accounting firm PricewaterhouseCoopers will start offering new employees $1,200 a year to help pay off their tuition loans. Which is a good idea as it will guarantee workers will stay with the company for at least 40 years until their college debt is paid off.

A study says that most people are satisfied having just one pumpkin latte per season. Mostly because if they buy one at Starbucks around Thanksgiving they won’t be able to afford another until after Christmas.

The U.S. will reportedly warn China against making any “quick fixes” for their economy. Apparently we want them to be just like us and not do anything about the economy after being stuck in a depression the past eight years.

A survey says that Americans are less satisfied with their personal computers for the third straight year. Apparently it has something to do with there just being only so much room for any new free Internet porn sites.

A report says that most Americans will get a wrong or late medical diagnosis at least once in their lives. Mostly because if it is bad enough they won’t be around to get a second one.

A report says that most Americans will get a wrong or late medical diagnosis at least once in their lives. The rest don’t have to worry about getting any diagnoses at all since they don’t have health insurance and can’t afford to see a doctor in the first place.

A report says that most Americans will get a wrong or late medical diagnosis at least once in their lives. To which Republicans are saying that is one more reason to get rid of Obamacare so people can’t see a doctor and have to go through something like that.

A study says that receiving text messages reminding them to make heart-healthy choices can help patients with heart disease. Except when the texts arrive while they are driving and cause them to crash into a tree.

Coca-Cola says it spent $118.6 Million on health research and fitness programs in the past 5 years. Mostly to find cures for all the health problems caused by drinking a gallon of soda every day.

A study says that online symptom checkers are right only about half the time. Although people really need to be careful when they are on a site that says the only way to be cured is to send half their money to a Nigerian prince.

A study says that online symptom checkers are right only about half the time. The worst part is wondering which half it is when the site gives you six months to live.

The CEO of the pharmaceutical company that increased the price of a drug by 5,000% says it was “not excessive at all.” At least not compared to the 20,000 square foot vacation home he is building for himself in the Hamptons with his yearly bonus.

The CEO of the pharmaceutical company that increased the price of a drug by 5,000% says it was “not excessive at all.” Especially when the price increase includes the CEO personally delivering the drug to patients with his private jet.

A 100 year old man set five world’s records at a seniors track meet. Three of the records included living long enough to make it to the finish line.

A 100 year old man set five world’s records at a seniors track meet. One of the records was breaking 27 seconds in the 100 meter dash. Which is even more incredible as when he was born the metric system hadn’t even been invented yet.

A 100 year old man set five world’s records at a seniors track meet including a 35 inch high jump. What’s embarrassing about that is he got more air than that Phil Mickelson jump after winning his first Masters.

The Oakland Raiders are refusing to paint their 50 yard line marker gold as dictated by the NFL as a salute to the upcoming 50th Super Bowl. Mostly because it makes no difference as the Raiders offense has only gotten the ball to midfield three times in the past ten years.

The Oakland Raiders are refusing to paint their 50 yard line marker gold as dictated by the NFL as a salute to the upcoming 50th Super Bowl. Mostly because the Raiders are afraid any gold on the field would just be stolen by their fans to make some new grills.

Instagram says it has reached the mark of 400 Million monthly users. Apparently it is for people who like to see pictures online but have left Facebook because they want to see something other than selfies and what everyone ate for breakfast.

The Texas boy who was arrested for bringing an alarm clock he made to class has withdrawn from his school. Mostly because ever since his alarm clock was confiscated he has missed the school bus every morning.

A study by AAA says that people can’t park as well as self-parking vehicles. Not only do self-parking cars do a better job of squeezing into a tight spot, people don’t have to wonder why there are 300 extra miles on the odometer after using the valet service.

Volkswagen says 11 Million cars could be affected by their diesel emissions deception. The question is, how could anyone have looked at all that black smoke pouring out of a diesel engine and think it had a chance of passing a smog check?

Starbucks customers nationwide can now order drinks in advance with their cellphones. Which is good news for the people who can order their triple mocha latte three months before they pick it up so they can have time to scrape up enough money to pay for it.

A judge has ruled the song “Happy Birthday” is no longer under copyright and is in the public domain. Which is great news for anyone eating at chain restaurants who is tired of hearing the wait crew repeatedly singing their corporate-written, royalty-free birthday song.

Hillary Clinton has proposed a $250 monthly cap on out of pocket payments for prescription drugs. To which the pharmaceutical companies are on board with, at least as they understand it to mean the cost per pill.

Senator Marco Rubio says Pope Francis I is off target with economic issues. Although it is tough to listen to complaints about one of the most wealthy entities in the world coming from someone who is helping run a country that is $18 Trillion in debt.

Internet news company BuzzFeed is claiming to be denied credentials for the visit of Pope Francis I as “retaliation” for previous coverage. Although it could be the Vatican thought “BuzzFeed” was the name of a pizzeria that catered to stoners.

Internet news company BuzzFeed is claiming to be denied credentials for the visit of Pope Francis I as “retaliation” for previous coverage. Although the next time they are looking for respect and credibility, they should think back to the day they decided to call themselves BuzzFeed.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered the head of the state’s National Guard to lose weight. How big is this guy? When the Goodyear blimp is feeling bloated it looks at a picture taken when it was tethered next to Christie.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has ordered the head of the state’s National Guard to lose weight. How big is this guy? If Christie is telling him to lose weight, his next assignment will be representing the Guard in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad day in the world of sports. People like me sit around all day taking ideas and trying to make them funny. There are a few people in the world who have that gift naturally, and one of them unfortunately just passed away. Lawrence Peter “Yogi” Berra was not only a great baseball player who was the AL MVP three times, an 18 time All-Star and 13 time World Series champ, he was one funny guy. Many common phrases are attributed to him, including “It’s deja vu all over again,” “It ain’t over til it’s over” and “Nobody goes to eat at that restaurant anymore. It’s too crowded.” There are some people who just have the knack of turning a phrase, and he was one. He will be missed for his humor and baseball skills. I remember playing catcher and wearing number 8 when I was a kid to be like Yogi. Unlike Yogi, the humor was in my ability and I soon morphed into my current role as spectator. Despite all his career accomplishments, nothing could immortalize him more than being the namesake of the classic cartoon “Yogi Bear.” Now that is when you know you have really made it. Give some thoughts to the great Yogi Berra and if you have some time left over, make sure to remember to also send the love!

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