Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A German woman and her daughter were found living in a Cyprus airport for 15 months. In the United States that is called having the TSA find something suspicious in your luggage.

A German woman and her daughter were found living in a Cyprus airport for 15 months. Which only came as a surprise when people found out she hadn’t booked a flight on United.

A study says that a healthy diet is still the best way to stop memory loss. Although it’s not as good when people stop eating at McDonald’s only because they forgot how to get there.

Apple has reportedly set a target date for their electric car for 2019. Hopefully is comes with a longer charging cord than that really inconvenient one they give people who buy an iPhone.

A report says that one in three Britons will develop dementia at some point in their lives. Which is good news for the ones who still have a diet consisting of mainly British food.

The U.N. says Internet growth is slowing and most people in the world are still offline. Of course, that mostly includes people who are still waiting for their dial up connection on AOL.

A study says there has been an increase in pot related auto accidents, lab explosions and school suspensions in Colorado. For one thing, people should know they should always wait to come down from their pot high before starting up their meth lab.

A study says there has been an increase in pot related auto accidents, lab explosions and school suspensions in Colorado. It could be a lot worse except for the people who are too stoned to drive, do any research projects or go to school.

Researchers say they have found the oldest salmon remains in North America dating back 11,500 years. The only problem is that they were found on an order of the daily special at an Oregon Red Lobster.

A parasitic drug’s price increase of 4,000% may bring action on soaring health care costs. It’s the most extravagant cost involving parasites in the health industry other than the salary and bonuses paid out each year to health insurance company CEOs.

The CEO of Volkswagen is backing a German inquiry over the carmaker’s emission scandal. He just wishes it were in the U.S. where any inquests can always be taken care of with a few political campaign donations.

A study says that teens in states with more restrictive gun laws are less likely to carry guns themselves. Although the study didn’t include Texas where the question is “What are gun laws?”

Honeywell’s CEO says the economy’s slow growth trend will likely continue for years. Or at least until companies like Honeywell decide to stop sending all their jobs to other countries.

The White House says it is “quite concerned” about allegations that Volkswagen cheated on U.S. emissions tests. Although things are looking better for the carmaker who apparently just hired the same lawyer who represented Tom Brady.

A group of congressional leaders are in Nashville for a listening session on music copyright issues. Which used to be called attending a Robin Thicke concert.

A group of congressional leaders are in Nashville for a listening session on music copyright issues. Country music writers could be in real trouble if anyone is able to get a copyright on ex-wives, dogs and trucks.

Twitter says there were a billion tweets last year about TV shows. Mostly people asking what just happened on the show they were watching while they looked away to see what was on Twitter.

Twitter says there were a billion tweets last year about TV shows. This year it will be about triple that just from the traffic over anything Donald Trump said during the presidential debates.

Lufthansa will become the first airline to offer high speed Internet on flights. Passengers on United would love that service in order to be able to make changes while in the air for their connecting flight which has already been canceled.

The ratings for this year’s Emmy awards were the lowest ever. Which serves the producers right for hiring the writing staff from “Two Broke Girls.”

The ratings for this year’s Emmy awards were the lowest ever. Apparently it is bad enough to expect people to watch the shows, but even worse to think they will watch a program that says those shows are actually worth any awards.

The ratings for this year’s Emmy awards were the lowest ever. Although there were still more people tuned in to see Julia Louis-Dreyfus pick up her award for Lead Actress than ever actually watch whatever show he won it for.

Alaska residents will each get a check for $2,072 from the state’s oil investment fund. Which sounds like a good deal until you realize that is just enough to cover the cost of heating the average home in July.

A study says that companies that have CEOs with a strong character make five times more than those whose CEOs have weak character. Apparently the study didn’t include the companies that have been making record profits by outsourcing all their jobs.

A study says that companies that have CEOs with a strong character make five times more than those whose CEOs have weak character. Which apparently doesn’t include all the health insurance companies who are making billions of dollars because their CEOs have no character.

A report says that airline profits are up by 54% over last year. Mostly from passengers paying 54% more in fees, sitting in 54% smaller seats and seeing 54% more people crammed on to each flight.

An Artificial Intelligence system was able to answer 49% of SAT geometry questions correctly. To which most high school students were saying “That’s more than half!”

An Artificial Intelligence system was able to answer 49% of SAT geometry questions correctly. Although it would have been less except that the computer’s parents were able to get it extra time to take the test after it was diagnosed with a learning disability.

An Artificial Intelligence system was able to answer 49% of SAT geometry questions correctly. Which means it won’t be getting any college scholarships at least until it can be programmed to throw a football 60 yards.

A former peanut executive who was responsible for a shipment of salmonella tainted peanut butter could be facing 803 years in prison. The whole ordeal has left him just a shell of his former self.

A report says that low oil prices have put $1.5 Trillion in projects at risk. Mostly construction deals that have been put on hold for all the oil company executives’ new vacation homes.

The CDC says that American teenagers get 16.9% of their calories from fast food. The other 83.1% comes from candy, cookies and soda.

A report says that adult obesity is higher than 30% in half the states. The other half still are looking to get their first franchise location of Krispy Kreme, Dunkin’ Donuts and Shake Shack.

A study says that apples are the fruit that kids eat the most. Although the only time most American kids will eat them is when they are in a pie, turnover or cobbler.

Scientists say they are close to inventing an invisibility cloak. The only problem is that every time they make one that actually works they can never find it again.

Scientists say they are close to inventing an invisibility cloak. Researchers say they can only hope it makes people disappear as well as the one being used by the Jonas Brothers.

“The View” has lost several sponsors after hosts made jokes about the nursing profession. Which was welcomed by the women on the show who always found it a bother to have to stop talking for all those annoying commercial breaks.

Miss America Betty Cantrell says she thought she lost the crown with her answer to a question about Deflategate. Mostly because she thought it had to do with her being the only contestant who went with the C cup instead of D cup implants.

Miss America Betty Cantrell says she thought she lost the crown with her answer to a question about Deflategate. Mostly because she had ignored what was going on in the NFL to concentrate instead on the usual questions she she thought she would be asked about ending hunger, fixing the economy or bringing world peace.

The Buffalo Bills are denying they violated noise rules against the New England Patriots. League officials became suspicious when they got reports that the Buffalo fans actually made a noise other than weeping, sobbing and crying.

The L.A. Kings have instituted player conduct initiatives following a string of arrests for domestic violence and drugs. Those player conduct initiatives are known outside the sports world as “laws.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbot says he wants the Dallas Cowboys to sign Tim Tebow while quarterback Tony Romo is out with an injury. Although most of Tebow’s fans think he would be less effective at subbing at quarterback as he would be at healing Romo’s injuries with his touch.

Snoop Dogg has launched a marijuana lifestyle digital media business called Merry Jane that will focus on all things cannabis. Which means you can be just like Snoop Dogg only 20 years later.

Snoop Dogg has launched a marijuana lifestyle digital media business called Merry Jane that will focus on all things cannabis. He wrote the idea down back in 1993 but it took him this long to remember where he put it.

Researchers say they have finally found a noise that giraffes make in order to communicate. The problem is giraffes don’t like to communicate by talking because when your throat is ten feet long it takes half an hour just to clear it.

Astronauts on the International Space Station were treated to a screening of the new film “The Martian,” a movie about an astronaut marooned on Mars. Which is like being on a cruise and having a special showing of “Titanic.”

Researchers have found board game pieces at a settlement going back to ancient Rome. At least they think they were board game pieces, but what else would ancient Romans be doing with a metal top hat, car and thimble?

Donald Trump says if he could have some time with Pope Francis I he would talk “mostly religion.” That and a proposal to bring a gaming facility to the basement of St. Peter’s Basilica.

Scott Walker has pulled out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Apparently the only way the other candidates can get any numbers is if Donald Trump gives them name recognition by personally insulting them.

A study says the affordable housing “crisis” will get worse in the coming years. Especially in San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York City where housing is considered affordable when it doesn’t put the family budget past crisis level.

A study says the affordable housing “crisis” will get worse in the coming years. Mostly because in Manhattan all the good corner locations to put a refrigerator box have already been taken.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Busy day today, but I always have time to make sure I get the jokes out for you. Aren’t you the lucky ones? I said, aren’t you the lucky ones? Never mind. Even though I will be pretty tied up today, I will still make sure I have time to check my e-mails just in case you all remember to make sure you send the love!

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