Sunday, September 20, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A court has ruled that a New Jersey casino can regulate the weight of cocktail waitresses. Which came as a surprise to the waitresses since New Jersey can’t even control the weight of Chris Christie.

Rapper Waka Flocka Flame says that gender transition is a “rebuke to God.” Because who better to speak about moral and religious behavior than a rapper?

Researchers say that chimpanzees love to watch horror films. In fact, they also like other kinds of movies but still draw the line at watching anything featuring Tarzan.

A Colorado restaurant is serving marijuana infused fish. Which gives a whole new meaning to ordering smoked salmon.

A Colorado restaurant is serving marijuana infused fish. The only hard part is cutting it up into pieces small enough to fit into a bong.

A study says that 96% of deceased NFL players showed signs of brain disease. Or as the Cincinnati Bengals call the revelation, an air tight insanity defense.

A study says that 96% of deceased NFL players showed signs of brain disease. The results would have been even worse except that Chad Ochocinco, Terry Bradshaw and Terrell Owens are still alive.

Some California residents are saying that they weren’t warned about the devastating wildfires. Apparently they thought all the flames and extreme heat outside their home was just a local episode of some global warming.

Michigan is suing HP for a delayed overhaul of the state government’s computers. What’s worse is that the work that was contracted was to upgrade the computers for Y2K.

Michigan is suing HP for a delayed overhaul of the state government’s computers. What’s worse for the state is that if Carly Fiorina is elected to two terms as President, the work might not even get started for another nine years.

Two San Antonio football players say they were told by their coach to hit a referee. The incident could put an end to their college football dreams. Mostly because the Raiders want to get both of them on their team right now.

Police in Irving, Texas say they arrested the 14 year old boy who made a clock and brought it to school for creating an alarm. And nothing creates an alarm more than a Muslim who moves to Texas.

Police in Irving, Texas say they arrested the 14 year old boy who made a clock and brought it to school for creating an alarm. Which is ironic because when he was building it, the boy had no idea he was giving a new meaning to the term “alarm clock.”

Trade rules in Cuba say that Starbucks can open stores there but cannot sell prepared drinks like lattes. Which is fine because ordering two lattes would pretty much run through the average Cuban’s yearly income.

The California DMV says it has been in talks with Apple about testing autonomous vehicles. People are excited about autonomous vehicles just for the fact that driverless cars could save them years of waiting in line by making the DMV pretty much obsolete.

A report says that Americans’ wealth has reached a new high of $85.7 Trillion. The only problem is that once you take away Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Mark Zuckerberg, that leaves everyone else with a total of about $37.26.

Fiat Chrysler is offering hourly workers richer profit sharing bonuses. Workers were initially excited about the idea before they realized that it is all contingent on Fiat Chrysler ever actually making a profit.

The U.S. Treasury says it will decide on which woman to put on the $10 bill by the end of the year. Most Americans are saying they don’t care who’s picture is on it, they would just like to go back to the days when they actually had a $10 bill in their wallet.

Moody’s has downgraded the credit rating of France. As if the French weren’t already moody enough.

A+E Networks has named a new president of the History Channel. Apparently the only way they could come up with any ideas for new programming was to hire a clairvoyant.

President Obama will reportedly let American telecom companies go into Cuba. Apparently sending Verizon, Sprint and AT&T into Cuba is a direct payback for what happened with the Bay of Pigs invasion.

Youtube has launched a mobile game streaming service. Which means the website will have a total lock on the market for slackers who play games all day and losers who do nothing but watch cat videos.

More than half of all U.S. high schools will require students to pass CPR training before they graduate. Mostly so they will be prepared for when their parents get the first bill for their college tuition loans.

More than half of all U.S. high schools will require students to pass CPR training before they graduate. Mostly because the other half will need it during graduation while having to actually walk all the way across the stage.

More than half of all U.S. high schools will require students to pass CPR training before they graduate. Mostly because administrators need high test scores want to make sure that the fat kids who get the good grades are going to make it through the entire year.

Researchers at Stanford have created a protein patch they say will reverse muscle damage from heart attacks. Which they can wear right next to the nicotine patch they were wearing to try to quit smoking right before they had their heart attack.

A study says that daytime napping is linked with a higher diabetes risk. Especially for people who can’t stay awake the entire afternoon after eating an eight course meal for lunch.

178,000 children’s water bottles have been recalled because of a choking hazard. Apparently the kids started choking when they realized the bottles were filled with water and not soda or energy drinks.

178,000 children’s water bottles have been recalled because of a choking hazard. No one even knew that GM had gotten into the business of making water bottles.

A study says that workplace bullying may increase the risk of victims having suicidal thoughts. Which some companies are saying must be stopped because causing workers to be suicidal is the job of management.

A study says that workplace bullying may increase the risk of victims having suicidal thoughts. To which workplace bullies are saying “Mission accomplished!”

A New York company is recalling 11 dietary supplements found to have elevated levels of lead and mercury. Because when it comes to buying healthy supplements, people only want the ones that contain the exact recommended amounts of heavy metals.

A Seattle sea otter has learned to use an inhaler to help with its asthma. You know the air pollution levels have gotten out of hand when even marine mammals need to use nebulizers in order to be able to breathe.

A report says that global dental disease costs $442 Billion a year. Although if England is taken out of the total the actual cost to the rest of the world is somewhere around $37.42.

Researchers say that the brain ages faster than the liver. Which means that mentally, Keith Richards is getting ready to turn 157.

Researchers have developed a hand held test to detect chlamydia. Although chlamydia wouldn’t even be a problem if all people did was hold hands.

Singer Jewel has detailed her struggles with debt, divorce and family in her memoirs. That’s the difference between pop and country. Pop singers write books about their personal issues while country singers just set them to music to make a new album.

Seattle Seahawks running back Marshawn Lynch is the newest spokesman for Pepsi. So far the only thing he says in his commercials is “I just showed up so I get paid.”

Tiger Woods says he has undergone another back surgery and won’t play again until 2016. Apparently he felt this was a good time to get the surgery done since he never gets in more than 36 holes of golf on any given week.

The Lakers say that Kobe Bryant will have a strict limit on the number of minutes he will play in each game next season. Until now the team just knew he was too tired to play anymore when he actually looked around for someone to pass to.

The U.S. and China will reportedly discuss a deal to limit the use of cyberwarfare. Although it could be tough as they haven’t gotten them to do anything about their air and water pollution, chemicals in their food and stealing all of our jobs.

The U.S. and China will reportedly discuss a deal to limit the use of cyberwarfare. Apparently they keep hacking into Joe Biden’s computer every time he gets close to getting into the second level of Candy Crush.

Whirlpool has introduced a dishwasher from Ikea. The only problem is getting used to eating off paper plates for the six months it takes to put it together.

Whirlpool has introduced a dishwasher from Ikea. It’s the only dishwasher that is actually capable of cleaning plates from that sauce that comes with Swedish meatballs.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal is offering a selfie spoon that allows people to take pictures of themselves while eating. The trick was being able to make it long enough for the wide angle setting needed to get people into the frame after they eat enough bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

A big data analysis tool is said to be able to predict the winner and losers of the Republican debates. Which isn’t too difficult at this point. The winner is Donald Trump, and the losers are the candidates who receive one of his personal insults.

T-Mobile is rumored to be in the process of being taken over by a French company. Apparently they are trying to see if it is possible to have even more rude service technicians than Sprint, Verizon and AT&T.

A new app helps to promote play date hook ups for parents of young children. The worst part is that the only way most people can get it to work is to have their toddler set it up for them.

A Japanese robot that is programmed to play rock-paper-scissors has reportedly never lost a match to a human. Although the only thing the computer is good for is deciding who gets to play the first round of rock-paper-scissors.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Forget that story about the Muslim kid who was arrested for making a clock and taking it to school in Texas. The person I would hate to be in the Lone Star State today is the kicker for the University of Texas who missed the extra point that would have tied the game with a minute left against Cal. That guy would be doing himself a favor by being locked up and away from the general public. I know how he feels after getting some e-mails about some of my jokes. But still I press on, mostly because readers have no idea where I live. And if I happen to come up with a set of jokes that somehow doesn’t offend, it always makes my day when you all remember to take the time to send the love!

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