Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The New York Stock Exchange instituted rule number 48 on Tuesday in an effort to smooth the market open. The Dow lost 400 points which was more like rule 29 which means investors are feeling like it is 1929 again.

A new book says the number of U.S. residents trying to make it on $2 a day has doubled since 1996. No one had any idea there were that many more people getting jobs at 7-Eleven.

A new book says the number of U.S. residents trying to make it on $2 a day has doubled since 1996. Which is good news as at that rate, pretty soon Nike will find it profitable to start opening factories stateside once again.

A study says that most Americans’ hearts are older than their chronological age. In fact, all their organs are in pretty bad shape but at least they seem to still have spleens that still function for whatever it is they do.

A study says that most Americans’ hearts are older than their chronological age. The way to tell is when you want to watch Nickelodeon but your heart keeps trying to get the remote to change over to CBS.

A study says that most Americans’ hearts are older than their chronological age. Which is hard to understand as they should be in nearly new conditions as it’s not like anyone uses them for anything like exercise.

A shipment of radioactive material sent to Texas A&M has been reported as missing. The shipment was sent by FedEx in a cardboard box. That description should make it pretty easy to find.

A shipment of radioactive material sent to Texas A&M has been reported as missing. The shipment was sent by FedEx in a cardboard box. Not to worry though as it was reportedly secured against any accidents by being sealed up with extra strips of duct tape.

The murder of an elderly couple in Sicily by foreigner has fueled anti-immigrant sentiments there. What have things come to when murders in Sicily are committed for any reason other than mob retaliation?

A survey says that 40% of people are afraid humans will be eventually wiped out by machines. And that’s just the ones who are being killed by their cellphones while they are driving.

A study says a voice test could detect the first signs of Alzheimer’s Disease. Especially when the person speaking keeps asking “Where did I leave my car keys?”

7-Eleven has started delivery service in New York City. Apparently even with all the diners and food carts in the city, people will still fork out a $4.99-$6.99 delivery fee to experience the savory taste of a convenience store hot dog and a bag of Doritos.

A study says that daily pot smoking on U.S. college campuses is at a 35 year high. As are the students.

A study says that daily pot smoking on U.S. college campuses is at a 35 year high. Although most students get stoned right around the day when the university mails out its college tuition loan statements.

Two women in are being charged with running a “fight club” among 4-6 year old boys and girls at a New Jersey day care. In other words, they were running a day care in New Jersey.

President Obama used a climate speech to explain the scientific term “gigaton.” Which apparently has something to do with global warming and when Chris Christie gets into the buffet line.

McDonald’s has announced it will start selling breakfast around the clock starting October 6th. Which is good news for customers who like just one meal a day, starting at 7AM and going through 10PM.

China is set to celebrate the end of World War II, 70 years late. Apparently they figure taking part in American celebrations is the least they can do right before they completely foreclose on us.

A study says that bike injuries are on the rise, especially with older Americans. Mostly those who are peddling around trying to remember where they parked their car.

A study says that bike injuries are on the rise, especially with older Americans. Although that really didn’t become a trend until John Kerry thought he was ready to take the training wheels off.

A New York court has refused an appeal on a case about personhood for chimps. The court made no written decision, the justices just put their hands over their ears eyes and mouths.

Delta Airlines says it will pay back business travelers if its flights run later than American and United. Which is a low bar to set. That’s like Arby’s saying it will refund customers if their food isn’t as good as McDonald’s or Taco Bell.

Delta Airlines says it will pay back business travelers if its flights run later than American and United. Economy travelers on flights that arrive later than other airlines will be given the traditional response of “Sit down and shut up!”

The Chrysler 200 was rated as one of the four worst cars on the road by Consumer Reports. Auto industry experts were surprised. Mostly that the other three cars on the list weren’t also Chryslers.

Government data says that Canada could be in a recession. The only question is how can anyone tell?

Government data says that Canada could be in a recession. The good news is that Canadians are just waiting for global warming to take effect so they can open all the beach resorts they have been planning in Nova Scotia.

Prisons in California have agreed to limit the amount of solitary confinement for inmates. Although the last thing an inmate wants to do is be taken out of solitary and put in with a 300 pound cellmate who keeps motioning him over to his bunk.

The FDA is warning makers of powdered caffeine about possible serious health risks. The product is being compared to having an IV drip with a bag filled with a full strength Starbucks venti.

The FDA is warning makers of powdered caffeine about possible serious health risks. A container of the powder has as much caffeine as 400 Starbucks coffees. The good news is that it doesn’t cost as much as Starbucks or else its cost would be expressed in “street value.”

A study says that Daylight Saving Time harms the alertness of high school students. Apparently it confuses their bodies so they start sleeping through their last four classes instead of the first three.

A survey says the U.S. smoking rate is at a new low of 15%. It’s the only product where the best way to cut the number of people using it is to increase the number of people using it.

A study says that pot smoking has overtaken cigarettes on college campuses. Mostly because students are giving up tobacco so they can make sure they live long enough to have a chance at paying off their college tuition loans.

A study says that frequent marijuana use lowers mens’ sperm count by a third. To which most people are saying “Good!”

A study says that frequent marijuana use lowers mens’ sperm count by a third. Not only that, but the ones that are still around are moving too slow and giggling too much to even have a chance at fertilizing any eggs.

A survey says that 15% of medical students in the UK have considered committing suicide. Mostly after realizing they will spend the next 40 years examining patients who all smell like haggis, potatoes and ale.

The judge in the Tom Brady case against the NFL says he will rule on the quarterback’s suspension on Friday. What is taking so long? Even O.J.’s murder trial took less time than this.

UCLA has suspended cornerback Ishmael Adams following an alleged robbery of an Uber driver. Alumni were shocked. Why wasn’t he driving the new Porsche they just bought him?

Researchers say that Neanderthals may have enjoyed hot baths at home in their caves. Which explains the jacuzzis found in every one of Sylvester Stallone’s homes.

Executive pay at Blue Shield health insurance in California went up $24 Million, a 64% jump. They have lots of extra money sitting around since they don’t have to pay any funeral expenses of the policy holders who they deny coverage of their medical bills.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is pregnant with twins, saying she will take limited time off to give birth for an opportunity to offset the work-life balance. Meaning unlike other working moms, she will be able to balance her check book after hiring four nannies so she can go to the office.

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer is pregnant with twins, saying she will take limited time off to give birth. Apparently even a high profile CEO feels the need to get working again in order to be able to eventually pay for those kids to go to college.

A study says that 34% of Americans are afraid of Artificial Intelligence. Although with Donald Trump still leading for the Republican presidential nomination, it’s pretty obvious people don’t trust intelligence of any kind.

NASA is mulling a life hunting mission to the Saturn moon Enceladus. Are they sure that is the name of the moon? It sounds more like the latest healthy menu option at Taco Bell.

NASA is mulling a life hunting mission to the Saturn moon Enceladus. It would be more impressive to see how long a spacecraft would last trying to land and gather information in Ensenada.

Donald Trump says it is an “insult to Ohio” to change the name of Mt. McKinley in Alaska. Which is interesting since President McKinley is one of the few politicians in either party that Trump hasn’t insulted in a campaign speech yet.

Donald Trump says it is an “insult to Ohio” to change the name of Mt. McKinley in Alaska. Although probably not as much of an insult as it was to Alaska to change the name of a mountain to someone who was in office before they even became a state.

The White House has picked a new company to protect the personal information of federal workers. Apparently after 21.5 Million government employees had their information hacked it was decided maybe LifeLock wasn’t quite up to the task.

Pope Francis I will visit Washington, D.C. later this month, and federal employees are being told to treat it like a snow day and work from home. Which is no big deal because according to President Obama’s climate speech pretty soon there won’t be any more snow days in the nation’s capital anyways.

Pope Francis I will visit Washington, D.C. later this month, and federal employees are being told to treat it like a snow day and work from home. Mostly because Republicans said it would be a cold day in September that the head of the Catholic Church would visit a Muslim in the White House.

The Attorney general of Michigan is calling for states to impose their own sanctions on Iran. Although Michigan may not have much of an impact as it isn’t like Iran seems to be too upset at the prospect of losing out on Chryslers, Rice Krispies or Christmas trees.

A former aide says that Mitt Romney is not considering a run for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Mostly because when the people decide to stand behind someone with hair like Donald Trump, that pretty much takes away anything left that Romney has to campaign with.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Here we are in September. Pretty soon the leaves will be turning yellow and red and falling off. Or is that Donald Trump’s hair? In any event, no matter what month or season it happens to be, I am always here for you to give you a chance to scour the site looking for that one joke that might bring a chuckle. Which shows that you and I both have too much time on our hands. But since you are already wasting that much of your day, you might as well go the distance and take the time to make sure to remember to send the love!

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