Friday, September 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The second Republican presidential debate gave CNN its highest ratings ever. Which means look for the network to start dropping the news and start airing reruns of “The Apprentice.”

The second Republican presidential debate gave CNN its highest ratings ever. Which isn’t that big of a deal considering the news network has recently been taking in fewer viewers than infomercials for “Snuggies.”

Anthony Weiner has left the job he took at one of the nation’s top PR firms just two months ago because of negative publicity. It’s just too bad the company didn’t have anyone on board to advise them that hiring Anthony Weiner might be a PR nightmare.

A Massachusetts town is holding a “pity party” to cheer up sad people. Which should instead become a tradition in Chicago at the end of every baseball season.

A study says that humans are making dogs stupid by not making them think for themselves. Why should dogs have to think? They have their owners trained to do everything except bring back that ball they keep throwing across the yard.

A study says that humans are making dogs stupid by not making them think for themselves. Dogs disagree, knowing they are smarter and would take over the world if it weren’t for the invention of the vacuum cleaner.

The Census Bureau says that 46.7 Million Americans are in poverty. The other 253.3 Million Americans are still optimistic that if they work hard and stay positive they may be someday able to work up to that status.

The former director of the Nobel Prize says he regrets giving the award to President Obama. He says it could have been worse. At least he wasn’t a voting member of the Academy that gave “Crash” the Oscar for Best Picture.

The former director of the Nobel Prize says he regrets giving the award to President Obama. At least he feels dumb for giving that one award instead of the baseball writers who voted Alex Rodriguez the AL’s MVP three times.

A study says that birds can actually fall in love. The only problem is that the male birds still complain about being henpecked.

An Air Canada pilot diverted a plane out of concern that a broken heater that could be endangering a dog riding in the cargo hold. Which is different than any U.S. airlines that would let a passenger freeze to death rather than give them a blanket if they can’t come up with the $8 fee.

A study of Twitter says that liberals are more likely to swear than conservatives. But only when they are watching the presidential debates and it is Donald Trump’s turn to speak.

A study of Twitter says that liberals are more likely to swear than conservatives. Mostly just because it is possible to fit more words into the 140 character space if they are all just four letters.

The GAO says millions of borrowers are missing out on better ways to pay off their student loans. Which is pretty much getting a degree, being unable to find a job and never having to pay off the loan by declaring bankruptcy.

Two federal air marshals are at the center of a prostitution investigation. The main problem was they were using their government frequent flier miles just so they could join the Mile High Club.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says that slashing CEO pay will not help eliminate income inequality. That would only happen in the unlikely event that a CEO would actually pay their workers a livable wage.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says that slashing CEO pay will not help eliminate income inequality. Although the fact that the average CEO makes 350 times their workers is pretty much the very definition of income inequality.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says that slashing CEO pay will not help eliminate income inequality. He says the middle class is doing better than ever with better cars, less pollution and iPhones. Which he apparently feels is a pretty even trade for his gated mansion, private jet and European vacation homes.

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says that slashing CEO pay will not help eliminate income inequality. Even Marie Antoinette is telling this guy that the guillotine his employees are building in the break room is not for cutting sandwiches.

NOAA says this summer was the Earth’s hottest on record. Most of that was attributed to the hot air coming off the stage from not one but two Republican presidential debates.

NOAA says this summer was the Earth’s hottest on record. Mostly because the previous autumn was so cool from all the cool air being simultaneously released from New England Patriot footballs.

NOAA says this summer was the Earth’s hottest on record. The only thing that kept it from being even hotter is that Joe Biden is apparently waiting until after the season is over to announce his candidacy and start giving campaign speeches.

A poll says that more than half of U.S. investors say it is “critical” to have a debt free retirement. Although for most people, the word “critical” is best used to describe the condition of their 401(k) account.

The FTC is going after an app that claims to improve the users’ vision. Which may be true, especially for the people who have their eyes opened when they realize they just got suckered into paying $9.99 for the app.

McDonald’s is reportedly looking outside for a new chief strategy officer. Apparently the company feels it is time to rethink their age old plan of crating a nation of diabetics by selling unhealthy, cheap food.

McDonald’s is reportedly looking outside for a new chief strategy officer. Apparently they have finally decided to think outside the bun.

A poll says the government, immigration and the economy are the nation’s top problems. What’s worse is that people think the government is going to solve the immigration and economic problems.

A study says that yoga can help people with arthritis. Mostly because their muscles are so sore after tying themselves in knots that they forget how much their joints are hurting.

A study says there is a way to detect delirium in 40 seconds. Apparently doctors can tell someone is delirious if they are told their health insurance has run out and they still expect to be treated.

A study says that larger plates and larger servings cause people to eat more. Mostly because we’re too far and lazy and would rather eat less than having to get out of the chair and walk across the room to get seconds.

Jessica Biel has launched a sex-ed video series. Which Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Pam Anderson are saying “Is that what they are calling them now?”

Ventriloquist Paul Zerdin has won the top prize at “America’s Got Talent.” Which the fact that a ventriloquist won pretty much contradicts the show’s premise.

Ventriloquist Paul Zerdin has won the top prize at “America’s Got Talent.” No one had any idea the show rules only allowed acts that were put together before 1978.

Dane Cook is denying rumors he is dating Miley Cyrus. Although at least the idea is actually funnier than anything he has ever said on stage.

Former “Late Late Show” host Craig Ferguson has gotten a new gig on the History Channel. Which is ironic because if you get kicked off even CBS, “history” is pretty much the word used to describe your career.

Olympian turned escort Suzy Favor says it was a mental disorder and medications that were behind her “hypersexual” stint. People were shocked. Not by her behavior, but by the fact that Bill Cosby’s name hasn’t come up yet.

Kid Rock was called for jury duty in Detroit. He showed up because the jury box is the one part of a courtroom he has never actually sat in.

Devout Catholics are reportedly outraged at Madonna’s wearing a sexy nun costume in her act. People were confused. Why would a devout Catholic buy tickets to a Madonna concert?

The NFL is planning an appeal to the Tom Brady ruling. Apparently the league’s lawyers are complaining they lost the first trial when the Patriots stole their defense strategy.

Verizon says it will offer wireless roaming service in Cuba. The only problem is finding someone else in Cuba who has a cellphone they can call.

A report says that Windows devices account for 80% of all malware infections transmitted over mobile networks. That doesn’t even include the fact that most people think that Windows is malware.

Facebook says its proposed “dislike” button is for empathy towards someone who is having a problem. And for sympathy for the people who think that anyone on Facebook cares about their problems.

China says it will help build a high speed railway between Los Angeles and Las Vegas. Which didn’t make the Chinese so happy when they were given the contract because they did such a great job the last time they built a railroad in California.

Chinese sperm banks are enticing customers to donate sperm in exchange for an iPhone 6. Which is ironic because the iPhone can then be used to join Tinder for exactly the same purpose.

Oscar Mayer has released Sizzl, a dating app for bacon lovers. Although most people just join Ashley Madison when they feel like makin’ bacon.

Oscar Mayer has released Sizzl, a dating app for bacon lovers. How fat have we gotten that the only way to arouse people and get them interested in love is through a company that makes processed meat?

A new Wi-Fi powered Hello Barbie doll can actually talk to kids. Apparently she is helpful in telling kids that looking online at women who look like her is the reason daddy no longer lives at home.

Pinterest says it has passed 100 Million users a month. Which is good news for the people who have wanted to use a social media site but find that Facebook is just a little too intellectual.

Donald Trump says his favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 24. Although his favorite business strategy is still chapter 11.

Donald Trump says his favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 24. In fact the only part of the Bible he disagrees with is where it says it was wrong to worship the calf made of gold.

Rand Paul says that Jeb Bush is a hypocrite for smoking pot when he was younger and not being punished because he was from a rich and elite family. To which Bush says if he wasn’t rich and elite how else would be able to be a presidential candidate?

Hillary Clinton says Republican presidential candidates are going after her because they “don’t have anything else to say.” Although actually they just want to make her the subject of conversation so that Donald Trump doesn’t start talking about them.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is the last weekend of summer coming up as autumn starts next week. Then after that it is winter, snow, cold, and misery. The misery comes of course from being a Raiders fan. Hopefully my Dodgers will win the World Series which would a) get me through the cold months and b) really piss off the Giants fans who won’t even make the playoffs this year. I can always dream. But my wishes never really come true until all of you remember to take the time once in awhile to send the love!

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