Thursday, September 17, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A 14 year old Muslim boy in Texas was arrested after making a clock that was mistaken to be a bomb. It didn’t help that he brought it to school strapped it to his chest along with several road flares.

A 14 year old Muslim boy in Texas was arrested after making a clock that was mistaken to be a bomb. Officials say no bomb charges will be brought against him. He wouldn’t have gotten into trouble in Texas if he had just brought something allowable, like a gun.

A 14 year old Muslim boy in Texas was arrested after making a clock that was mistaken to be a bomb. After the incident, Mark Zuckerberg invited him to visit the Facebook offices. All of Silicon Valley is asking where was this kid during Y2K?

A cable channel in Alaska has suspended a hunting show after the host was charged with poaching. There was a bit of an overreaction as a cooking show was subsequently taken off the air after the chef was caught poaching an egg.

A cable channel in Alaska has suspended a hunting show after the host was charged with poaching. The channel proceeded to continue with the other 23 and a half hours of daily programming, which were also hunting shows.

A cable channel in Alaska has suspended a hunting show after the host was charged with poaching. The channel just replaced it with it’s usual standby programming of Sarah Palin showing how to shoot and field dress a moose.

A report says that illicit drug use is at its highest level in more than a decade. Mostly because the Baby Boomers who used to smoke pot to get high in the 60s now smoke for medicinal purposes for their chronic pain, glaucoma and arthritis.

A report says that two men in China tried to sell their kidneys to buy an iPhone. Here in the U.S. most electronic devices still only cost an arm and a leg.

A report says that two men in China tried to sell their kidneys to buy an iPhone. Not only that, but there was also a robot that tried to sell some body parts to buy an Android phone.

A study says the digital age has cut into the income of book writers. Mostly because now who needs to sit down to read an entire book for entertainment when a smartphone gives the option of being able to watch unlimited cat videos all day.

A study says that kids who experience more sunlight are less likely to need glasses. Although most kids would still rather take the risk of going blind by playing with themselves in the dark.

The CIA has declassified 19,000 pages of documents from the 1960s. To which Hillary Clinton says there is no reason to talk about her e-mails anymore as she will be exonerated sometime after the year 2065.

A Pennsylvania college has cut its tuition rate by 43% as the college president blasted education’s “sticker price model.” The problem is that the sticker shock doesn’t set in until after the tuition loan statements start to come in.

A Pennsylvania college has cut its tuition rate by 43% as the college president blasted education’s “sticker price model.” Comparing the college experience with buying a car, most people see the job market turning a degree into the equivalent of buying a lemon.

Amazon is adding a subscription to the Washington Post newspaper as a perk for members signing up for Prime. To which most people who are on their computer buying stuff from Amazon are asking “What’s a newspaper?”

The makers of Miller and Budweiser beers are eyeing a global merger. If the major sponsors of the NFL and NASCAR combine as a good business deal, look for next year’s Daytona 500 to feature a car driven by Aaron Rodgers.

A report says that the gender wage gap narrowed by one cent last year. The worst part is that it could have cut by even more but women weren’t given the chance to put in their two cents worth.

An Iowa man won $100,000 in the state lottery without picking any winning numbers in a new game. It was the most money ever made for not pulling any numbers since all the campaign donations to Scott Walker despite his poll results.

Target has handed out 300,000 Fitbits to workers as part of a program to promote a healthy lifestyle. Wal-Mart says it started a similar program years ago when they decided to assist workers in walking more by not paying them enough to afford a car.

Airline fees totaled $38.1 Billion last year, an all time high. It’s gotten to the point where some airlines are advertising complimentary service which means they charge $8 for the flight attendant to say your haircut looks nice.

A Florida man won a $10 Million lottery based on numbers picked from a fortune cookie. Which finally explains why they are called fortune cookies.

A Florida man won a $10 Million lottery based on numbers picked from a fortune cookie. Coincidentally, his fortune said “People are naturally attracted to you. Especially after you win $10 Million.”

A Florida man won a $10 Million lottery based on numbers picked from a fortune cookie. The only problem is that after collecting the money he was broke again in an hour.

The Census Bureau says that income and poverty levels remained unchanged over the past year. Mostly because most people’s income is only enough to keep them poor.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture and the EPA are aiming to cut food waste by half in the next 15 years. Although by looking around at most Americans it’s hard to believe there are any leftovers going into the trash bin.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture and the EPA are aiming to cut food waste by half in the next 15 years. Although is it really a good idea to trust any government agencies when it comes to the idea of trying to cut waste?

A study says that more than 6 Million people worldwide could die from air pollution by the year 2050. Which is no big deal compared to the number of people who won’t be around that long because of obesity, global warming and nuclear weapons.

A study links energy drinks with traumatic brain injuries in teens. Especially when they hit themselves in the head and say “I could have had a V8!”

Data says that more than one third of American children eat fast food on any given day. The other two thirds are eating fast food at any given moment.

A new study reveals when cheaters are most likely to cheat. In the case of New England Patriots quarterbacks, that is usually right before and during a game.

A new study reveals when cheaters are most likely to cheat. Which is sometime between the first and second hours of signing up for membership on Ashley Madison.

The Obama Administration says the number of uninsured people has dropped while the poverty rate has remained steady. Although the poverty rate will go up when all the new people with medical insurance start getting the bills for their premiums and copays.

A study says that arthritis may increase the risk of poverty, especially with women. Mostly when it becomes too difficult to pick up the nickels, dimes and pennies off the bank teller’s counter when they cash their paycheck.

A Maryland farm created a giant corn maze featuring an image of the face of Taylor Swift. She immediately complained it made her look like she was all ears.

Playboy is suing a website for publishing its pictures. The magazine became suspicious when they saw the models on the website were the only ones on the Internet who actually still had pubic hair.

Playboy is suing a website for publishing its pictures. The website figured they could get away with it as most people who still read Playboy knows how to get onto the Internet.

Bill Murray and his five brothers will be inducted into the Caddie Hall of Fame. Which is an honor just slightly above getting into the Lawn Mowing, Paper Boy and Lemonade Stand Halls of Fame.

Bill Murray and his five brothers will be inducted into the Caddie Hall of Fame. Although the real sign of success is having enough money where you can afford to belong to a country club that still actually has caddies.

Bill Murray and his five brothers will be inducted into the Caddie Hall of Fame. They will join those other famous caddies such as that guy who used to work for Tiger Woods and that’s about it.

Brett Favre is among 108 nominees into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. The other 107 were nominated as backups just in case Favre decides to make another comeback before the ceremonies.

Microsoft is set to invest $75 Million to boost computer science skills in schools. Although it was a little embarrassing when all the tech students’ requests were for iPhones, iPads and Macs.

Former executives of Google are donating $1.5 Million to train Silicon Valley’s low wage workers to get better jobs. The only problem is that anyone making a six figure income in Silicon Valley is still considered a low wage worker.

Apple says they have reduced carbon emissions from the iPhone 6 by 14-16%. Mostly with a new app that tells users to get off their butts and walk around instead of producing excessive carbon from sitting around looking at their iPhone all day.

A study says that conservatives and liberals have distinguishing language patterns on Twitter. The main difference was conservatives mostly used the words “Trump” and “genius,” while liberals used the words “Trump” and “idiot.”

A report says the Earth has lost half of its marine life since 1970. The main reasons are global warming, pollution and the Red Lobster all you can eat shrimp buffet.

The second Republican presidential debate was held on Wednesday. Jeb Bush defended his brother George, saying he “kept us safe.” Although the one thing he was not able to protect this nation from is Donald Trump.

Donald Trump at the second Republican presidential debate defended his failure earlier in the month to identify the names of American enemies in the Middle East saying he can’t be expected to remember “Arab name after Arab name.” It’s hard enough memorizing the names of all the Hispanics he is planning to deport.

At the second Republican debate on Wednesday, Jeb Bush admitted he has smoked marijuana. Which finally gives him a defense against Donald Trump. He isn’t low energy as Trump keeps claiming, he is just always stoned.

The second Republican presidential debate was held Wednesday on CNN. It was a problem for many Republicans to find the debate on TV, especially since most of them haven’t changed the channel since Fox News went on the air in 1996.

The second Republican presidential debate was held on Wednesday on CNN. Which was really tough for the three regular viewers of CNN who had to wait an extra couple of hours before the network got back to covering the search for the missing Malaysian jet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Unfortunately, I didn’t get a chance to watch much of the debate last night or I am sure the whole blog would have consisted of pretty much just that. The parts I did see were pretty entertaining although let’s face it, we all turned in just to see Trump shred Jeb Bush and Rand Paul. Now that is great TV! Forget “The Apprentice,” someone needs to pick up the debates as a weekly series. I just hope all of you didn’t stay up too late watching the debate so you are rested enough to be able to take the time to remember to send the love!

No comments: