Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

North Korea has reportedly threatened the U.S. with a nuclear attack. Although how frightening can it be to engage in a thermonuclear war with a country that doesn’t have enough plutonium in their power plants to generate electricity for more than three homes?

A blind long snapper has joined the USC football team. Which makes him almost as visually impaired as Pete Carroll was when he was coach and when it came to rules violations just kept looking the other way.

Vegan Ellen DeGeneres is being criticized for starting a line of leather shoes. Although wearing them would only be a problem if Donald Trump were a vegan because of the way he is always putting his foot in his mouth.

A Guantanamo Bay prisoner who is said to be a former associate of Osama bin Laden has a dating profile on Match.com. He says he likes a good movie and long walks on the beach but doesn’t believe in waterboarding on the first date.

A Guantanamo Bay prisoner who is said to be a former associate of Osama bin Laden has a dating profile on Match.com. It says he is looking for a long term relationship so he is discouraging any contact by female suicide bombers.

A Guantanamo Bay prisoner who is said to be a former associate of Osama bin Laden has a data profile on Match.com. Apparently he switched over after getting very little response on Terroristmingle.com.

A Guantanamo Bay prisoner who is said to be a former associate of Osama bin Laden has a data profile on Match.com. He gave up on Ashley Madison when he realized there weren’t 72 virgins on the entire website.

A group may try to get a proposal for Texas secession on the GOP primary ballot. If they really want that measure to pass they should let the other 49 states get in on the voting.

ABC executives are reportedly worried that anchor David Muir’s makeup is too orange and that it could be hurting ratings. To which Muir is saying that so far being orange hasn’t hurt John Boehner and it could put Donald Trump in the White House.

The UC Board of Regents is considering a policy to make the university system “free from acts and expressions of intolerance.” Except when it comes to talking about all the geeks who have enrolled at Stanford.

The UC Board of Regents is considering a policy to make the university system “free from acts and expressions of intolerance.” Except for any students who don’t have the credit score necessary to qualify for a tuition loan.

New York City will soon have traffic signals that can talk to cars. At least most of the city. Brooklyn will still rely on the traditional way of motorists communicating with each other with their middle finger.

New York City will soon have traffic signals that can talk to cars. They have already had the technology for years with crosswalk signals that say “I’m walkin’ here!”

An airport in Sweden has a control tower with no air traffic controllers inside. Or as that is called in the U.S., the noon to 3:00 after lunch naptime.

Ultra realistic sex robots may be banned in the UK. Although they may still be legal in Scotland as they aren’t considered realistic there because they actually move during sex.

A blind bowler is competing in pro-am events on the PBA Tour. That ought to help the game out with its credibility problem of whether or not it is a real sport.

A blind bowler is competing in pro-am events on the PBA Tour. His sense of hearing compensates with his lack of eyesight, as long as the bowling alley is quiet enough to hear a pin drop.

A survey says that 32 Million Americans have already started their Christmas shopping. Mostly to make up for all the gifts they didn’t give anyone since 2008 when the economy crashed.

Facebook is reportedly working on a “dislike” button. If that becomes popular, the social media site will then consider a “no life,” “loser” and “have no real friends” buttons.

Rain has left thousands without power in southern California. Which has made it impossible for those people to use their power paint sprayers to airbrush their lawns green because of the drought.

A Canadian court has ruled that women can wear face veils when swearing their oath of citizenship. It’s for all the women who don’t want anyone to recognize them and know they actually volunteered to become a citizen of Canada.

A city in Japan has an app where citizens can download pictures of dog poop to report people who aren’t cleaning up after their pets. The U.S. has beaten them to the punch with a similar app. It’s the one that lets people see all the Kardashians’ selfies.

Supreme Court Associate Justice Stephen Breyer says the court should take more of a world view. So far he has no argument from most the other justices, the only problem is getting Antonin Scalia on board with the same planet.

Actor Manu Bennett was arrested in connection with an assault in Texas. Apparently he was doing research on a role as a Texan and blames it on being in character.

A report says that Internet insecurity could cost the world trillions of dollars by 2030. Although this is not to be confused with the psychological definition of Internet security which explains why people are constantly posting all their selfies on Facebook.

A report says that Internet insecurity could cost the world trillions of dollars by 2030. Which means people need to find a way to keep those Nigerian princes from getting their e-mail address.

The CBO says that ending the Obamacare mandate would save $305 Billion over a decade but leave 14 Million people without insurance. Or as the Republicans call that, a small price to pay for bragging rights.

Subway co-founder Fred DeLuca has died at age 67. The cause of death was his wife found out the sandwich he was making as part of the “Jared diet” was made with two teenage girls.

Utica College in New York has lowered its tuition by 42%. Which is known by most college students as the interest amount they are paying on their college loans.

Utica College in New York has lowered its tuition by 42%. The only problem is getting someone to still pay 58% of the full amount while convincing them to spend four years of their live in Utica.

The “Nightly Show” with Larry Wilmore has been renewed for a second year. Comedy Central didn’t want to go any further because if the ratings trend holds up with Stephen Colbert’s “Late Show,” he might be asking for his old job back sooner than that.

Morton Salt is closing a long time packaging and warehouse facility in Chicago. As if the economy wasn’t bad enough in Chicago, this just proves that when it rains, it pours.

Morton Salt is closing a long time packaging and warehouse facility in Chicago. Who would have thought the number one cause of job loss isn’t the slow economy or outsourcing but the Surgeon General telling people to watch their sodium intake?

Beer, wine and Margaritas will soon be coming to Taco Bell restaurants in San Francisco and Chicago. Although how drunk do you have to be already to decide to eat at a Taco Bell when you are in San Francisco or Chicago?

A study says the gender wage gap is narrowing for new women college graduates. Mostly because pretty much all graduates leaving school can expect to be looking at a starting income somewhere right around minimum wage.

A team of doctors says they are aiming to perform the world’s first head transplant in 2017. Mostly by demand from people who will want a sane person’s head put on Donald Trump if he is elected President n 2016.

The FDA has halted the sales of four R.J. Reynolds cigarette brands. Apparently they don’t fit the FDA standards of taking more than just a few years to kill the people smoking them.

A study says that sitting too long can cause liver disease. Mostly if the sitting is always taking place on a barstool.

The head of the National Institute of Mental Health has left to work with Google. Which is ironic in that most the mental health issues today are caused by people staring at web sites all day that they accessed through Google.

An experimental drug is reportedly showing promise as a treatment for schizophrenia. Which is ironic as a treatment for people who have become paranoid every time they have taken a few bong hits.

A study says that eating out can add an extra 200 calories to meals. Especially if the chef has eaten any fatty foods or drank any sugary sodas before spitting on all the meals they are cooking.

An actor who played a murderous landlord reportedly tried to kill his real life tenant. The worst part for the actor isn’t the possibility of prison as much as now being forever typecast.

“Real Housewives” star Brandi Glanville has compared being on a show to having an abusive boyfriend. Probably because most Beverly Hills wives ended up where they are by marrying their abusive boyfriend.

“Real Housewives” star Brandi Glanville has compared being on a show to having an abusive boyfriend. Mostly because good looking, shallow women with substance abuse problems are always the ones who end up with abusive boyfriends.

Actress Emily Blunt says she regrets becoming a U.S. citizen after watching the GOP debate. But it’s a good thing she did become a citizen otherwise if Donald Trump is elected President she would have been the first person to be deported.

Steve Nash will join the Golden State Warriors as a player development consultant. Which along with Donald Trump and Moe Howard that a good haircut is not necessarily required to be successful.

A report says that autonomous features in electric vehicles could save $1,800 in battery costs. And that’s just with the automatic GPS feature that gets the car precisely where it is going as compared with a man behind the wheel who would run the battery down driving aimlessly instead of ever asking for directions.

Government officials say they may still fire a Chinese-American National Weather Service hydrologist who was cleared of espionage charges. Even worse, they could transfer her out to California where hydrologists haven’t had anything to do all day since the drought started four years ago.

Government officials say they may still fire a Chinese-American National Weather Service hydrologist who was cleared of espionage charges. The question is how did Edward Snowden get away with leaking classified documents while they were investigating someone who might have been giving out information on water flow?

The Wireless Hall of Fame in Las Vegas has inducted four new members. The only problem is the walls are all empty since because it is wireless they aren’t able to hang any of the members’ pictures.

A study says that students who use computers the most at school do worse than others.  At least in the schools that haven’t figured out how to block video games, social media and porn sites.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A tip of the hat to the readers in California who finally got some rain to help alleviate the drought situation. Which is strange how everyone is complaining because they are always the ones bragging how it never rains there. Go figure. I worked as a weathercaster in central California for eight years and drought conditions were pretty much known there as “climate.” I kind of miss that gig because a friend described my position as being like the Maytag repairman. Just think how many jokes I would be able to crank out a day if I didn’t have to deal with West Virginia weather where it actually rains and even snows sometimes. I can’t complain. In fact, the only people who ever complain about my work are the ones reading the jokes. At least there is no cost involved, other than the amount of time you have just wasted reading this screed. As usual, all I ever ask is that you occasionally remember to take the time to send the love!

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