Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A hospital supercomputer predicts the probability of a patient dying. Although the chances go up exponentially once the doctors find out they don’t have any health insurance.

A report says the federal government collected a record amount of tax money this year, amounting to $19,346 per worker. Which is a pretty hefty amount for all five of those workers who still actually have an income.

A report says that some groups of Mormons are stocking up on supplies for a catastrophe predicted for the end of this month. Church members are storing extra food, blankets and water with some even keeping an inventory of extra wives depending how long it lasts.

A report says that some groups of Mormons are stocking up on supplies for a catastrophe predicted for the end of this month. The signs of impending doom are the fluctuating economy, political unrest and the Astros leading the AL West.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named as the new host of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Instead of saying “You’re fired!” his catch phrase to anyone eliminated will be “You won’t be back!”

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named as the new host of “Celebrity Apprentice.” Mostly because NBC knows that he won’t be causing any trouble like the last host since he isn’t eligible to run for President.

Scientists have created an analysis of which jobs will disappear first because of robots. The list includes salespersons, chefs and even models. The chefs will be gone because the robots will eat even less than the models.

A CNN poll says that 29% of Americans believe that President Obama is a Muslim. The same poll pretty much shows that 29% of Americans regularly watch Fox News.

A study says the happiest parents are the ones with four or more children. Mostly because at that point there are so many people in the house the kids won’t notice when mom and dad sneak out for a few hours.

Pope Francis I says he feels “used” by fake friends. In fact, the only ones he says he can trust are the nice Nigerian princes he has been sending money to who will eventually make him wealthy.

Pope Francis I says he feels “used” by fake friends. Which is why his advisers told him he should not have used his real name when he opened his Facebook page.

A report says that snow cover in California’s Sierra Nevada is at a 500 year low. It has gotten so bad that the resorts have invited Donald Trump for a visit just so they can claim there is actually a mogul on the slopes.

A report says that snow cover in California’s Sierra Nevada is at a 500 year low. Conservatives are now saying global warming is a good thing, making it much more enjoyable to ski in warm weather all year replacing the snow with ashes from all the wildfires.

The U.S. has dropped to 16th place on the world economic freedom list, behind Canada and Chile. Mostly because the only freedoms from our economy are freedom from having to go to work, make a house payment or wonder when it will be possible to retire.

Air India has grounded flight attendants they say are too fat to fly. Which is good news for the flight attendants on Ethiopian Airlines who haven’t had to worry about being overweight since 1985.

A measles outbreak in the Democratic Republic of the Congo has killed 300 people. Medical experts were shocked. When did the Congo get their own Disney theme park?

A research paper says the best time to take a break at work is in the mid morning, between 10 and 11. Mostly because that is long enough after people have already been working and still ahead of when the boss usually arrives at the office.

A 24 year old Indian man has quit his job so he can attempt to break the world record of taking 1,449 selfies in an hour. He decided to quit work because none of the people most famous for taking selfies like Kim Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and Mylie Cyrus never seem to actually have real jobs.

A 24 year old Indian man has quit his job so he can attempt to break the world record of taking 1,449 selfies in an hour. The good news is that if he wants to get back to work with a skill at taking lots of bad pictures quickly, he can always apply at the DMV.

The IRS says it can no longer accept checks of $100 Million or more. Mostly because people that have that kind of money are the ones who never have to actually pay any taxes.

The IRS says it can no longer accept checks of $100 Million or more. Mostly because since the economy crashed in 2008 they don’t get anymore checks anyways, just dumpsters full of IOUs.

Facebook says it has new measures to fight racism and xenophobia on the social network. Which means the first thing they are going to do is take down all the pages that support Donald Trump for President.

An analysis says the South has seen the largest decline in the poverty rate. Mostly because they hit bottom back in the 1960s and since the economy crashed everyone else is just catching up to them.

The Dallas Cowboys have reportedly become the first sports franchise to be worth $4 Billion. Although the Raiders are worth at least that but only if you include the outstanding bail on everyone in the stands at a home game.

A report says that most Americans face a post work lifestyle decline. Mostly because by the time they are able to actually retire they will already be 93 years old.

American Airlines admits it sent the wrong plane on a flight to Hawaii. Which was fine with most passengers who consider the only planes that are wrong are the ones that have “United” written on the side.

A survey says that Americans’ view of pharmaceutical companies has fallen to 35%. Mostly because those are the 35% who got their doctors to write them prescriptions for the really good stuff.

A study says that chronic pain is linked to ADHD. Mostly from people getting smacked in the head by their parents all those years telling them to “sit still!”

Researchers say they can make both hydrocodone and THC from yeast. Which means if “Breaking Bad” were still in production, Walter White wouldn’t have a meth lab but instead would get a job as a baker.

Researchers say they can make THC from yeast. Which gives pot users a whole new meaning to the term getting baked.

Miss Alabama slammed Donald Trump at the Miss American beauty pageant, saying the GOP should be “absolutely terrified” of him. Although more people were terrified that anyone would pay attention to what Miss America contestants had to say about politics.

The Kardashians have introduced apps that allow people to get the latest photos, videos and news about the family. Apparently it is for people who don’t have immediate access to their non-stop coverage on TV, social media or the tabloids.

Kelly Clarkson has canceled her tour to rest her voice. Also to give Justin Guarini a rest from having to constantly carry the her baggage and all the bands’ equipment.

A referee at the Ravens and Broncos game suffered nine broken ribs and a collapsed lung after being hit by a player. The only question everyone had was what were San Antonio high school football players doing at an NFL game?

Two equipment workers for the New England Patriots have been reinstated following Deflategate with no disciplinary action. However, they won’t be getting any back pay since they both are paid a flat salary.

Google was found by a Russian court of “abusing their dominant market position.” Which doesn’t sit well with Russians who are asking "what's a dominant market position?"

Google was found by a Russian court of “abusing their dominant market position.” Or as that is called in the U.S., tech companies’ business models.

Twitter went through a partial outage on Monday. Fortunately, it was just minor so users were only cut back to 138 characters.

Apple is predicting record sales for the latest version of their iPhone. Otherwise known to the company as “Tuesday.”

A group headed by Oracle CEO Larry Ellison has bought a boutique hotel in downtown Palo Alto. People were surprised. Larry Ellison doesn’t already own all of Palo Alto?

33 lions living in bad conditions in circuses in South Africa are going to be airlifted to a wildlife sanctuary. The bad news is that the sanctuary is owned by a dentist in Minnesota.

Intel has formed a panel to fight car hackers. Is that really a priority? How about figuring out how to get rid of all those e-mails for lower mortgage rates, weight loss products and Viagra?

Nintendo has named a new president, Tatsumi Kimishima. Or as his position is referred to at the company, “Level 10.”

A study lists the top five vehicles for susceptibility to hacking. Remember when the worst things to be concerned about with cars were having the hubcaps stolen, the antenna broken or leaving your keys in the ignition?

Nintendo’s Super Mario has turned 30. Which is coincidentally also the same age as the average person sitting on a couch playing every edition of the series for 15 hours a day while their parents try to figure out how to get them to move out of their basement.

A poll says that 60% of Americans don’t think that Donald Trump is qualified to be President. Unfortunately, it is the other 40% of Americans who are the ones who actually go to the polls and vote.

A poll says that 60% of Americans don’t think that Donald Trump is qualified to be President. Which is sad in that how qualified does anyone have to be to be in charge of a country that is running up a national debt of $18 Trillion and counting?

Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders told college students at Liberty University to “stand with the poor.” Which they will have a chance to do once they graduate, can’t find a job and get the first bill for their college tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am taking a couple of days off my real job. You know, the one that pays me so I can spend the majority of my day doing this which doesn’t pay anything. Go figure that out. But, this is a labor of love. Which is always the stock phrase used by people who aren’t good enough at something to make any money at it. But at least it means all you ever need to do to keep me going is to remember once in awhile to keep sending the love!

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