Sunday, September 13, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump says if elected President, he will deport all undocumented aliens within two years. The only problem will be getting them back across the border ahead of all the Americans who will be trying to leave the country once Trump becomes President.

Rick Perry has quit the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Apparently he just couldn’t take the constant headaches from wearing those fake glasses all the time.

A UK scientist says there was once life on Mars that was wiped out by a “catastrophic event.” To which Al Gore is saying that’s what happens because they didn’t listen to his warnings, either.

A report from the federal government urges older adults to aggressively treat high blood pressure to prevent heart attacks and strokes. Although the people say the best way to lower their blood pressure would be for the government to do something about the economy, health care and Social Security.

Las Vegas has opened the door for ride sharing companies Uber and Lyft. Which is good news for all the people who need rides after losing their car at the poker tables.

China’s forecast on their GDP will be handled by the country’s Communist Party which says it will “promote the discourse on their bright economic future and the superiority of their system.” Although experts say it sounds less likely that was written by economists than taken from a fortune cookie.

Poor nations reportedly want the U.S. to pay reparations from extreme weather events that are forcing their citizens to leave. Although the U.S. says it is already paying since all those people that are leaving are sneaking over the border into the U.S.

A study by the Marines says that military units with women fall short on combat skills. In other words, the way to make units more efficient is by having more units.

A study by the Marines says that military units with women fall short on combat skills. At least until the enemy tells them that their camouflage pants make their butts look big.

The town of San Andreas, California is being evacuated because of wildfires. How bad are those fires that they are scaring people who live in a town named for the world’s worst earthquake fault?

Serena Williams was upset in the U.S. Open semifinals, leaving the finals to be played between two relatively unknown Italians. The ratings for the match on were just slightly higher than an ESPN feature on the guy who strings Roger Federer’s rackets.

Microsoft confirms that Windows 10 is being forced to download on systems using Windows 7 & 8. Which is really no big deal for most PC users who haven’t been happy with their computers since they lost Windows 95.

Microsoft confirms that Windows 10 is being forced to download on systems using Windows 7 & 8. Although people using Windows Vista will be happy to be able to switch over once they finally get their computers to boot up.

A report says the five top states for drivers are Idaho, Vermont, Wyoming, Wisconsin and Minnesota. Mostly because it’s almost impossible to get into an accident since there is nobody on the roads in Idaho, Vermont, Wyoming, Wisconsin of Minnesota.

A report says the five top states for drivers are Idaho, Vermont, Wyoming, Wisconsin and Minnesota. Mostly because the only traffic in those states is heading out.

A man was arrested on a JetBlue flight in Portland, Oregon after peeing on other passengers. The good news is that he has been determined to be the perfect replacement by United Airlines to be their new CEO.

Donald Trump has reportedly taken back full control of the Miss Universe beauty pageant. The only thing that is known at this time is that one of the contestants will definitely not be Carly Fiorina.

A report says the nation’s labor participation rate is at a 38 year low of 62.6%. Apparently having a job is now being called “participation” since people aren’t being paid enough to be referred as actually being employees.

A report says the nation’s labor participation rate is at a 38 year low of 62.6%. The only question is does anyone remember being in a seemingly endless economic depression back in 1978?

A report says that 70% of student loan defaults are from for-profit colleges and community colleges. Mostly because those two institutions don’t require any prerequisite math courses.

A report says that 70% of student loan defaults are from for-profit colleges and community colleges. Which explains what the people who used to run those subprime mortgage loan companies are doing now.

Goldman Sachs says that the price of oil could fall to $20 a barrel by next year. Rupert Murdoch said that would happen if we invaded Iraq, although he didn’t mean at the time that oil would fall because of the worldwide recession caused by the economic downturn from the debt spiral created by our invasion of Iraq.

Technology could soon allow people to change TV channels using sign language. The only problem will be getting TV sets to understand what the middle finger means that viewers keep showing whenever Donald Trump appears on their screen.

Technology could soon allow people to change TV channels using sign language. How lazy have we gotten that we need something that takes less time and effort to change the channel than having to reach over and actually pick up the remote?

Ten top automakers have announced they will equip their vehicles with auto emergency braking systems. Chrysler says they will join the group and install a braking system once they figure out how to get their cars to make it all the way around the block.

A poll says that union members are less content with safety and recognition of their accomplishments at work than others. To which Republicans are saying that proves their point, that doing away with unions is only to make workers more happy.

A poll says that union members are less content with safety and recognition of their accomplishments at work than others. To which management says if they make the job safe and give some awards, what’s next? Asking for a livable wage?

A poll says that 6% of Puerto Ricans say the economic conditions are getting better. Mostly because they are just slightly more optimistic than the other 94% who are saying that at least it couldn’t get any worse.

Many schools across the country are stocking up with the heroin overdose drug Naloxone. Remember the old days when teachers’ biggest problems in school were talking out of turn and chewing gum?

UK researchers say that hopping two minutes a day can help bone health in older men. There must be some truth to that. When is the last time you ever saw a rabbit using crutches?

A study says that constant participation on social media could lead to depression and anxiety for teens. Especially when they find out their parents are trying to become Facebook friends with all the people they hang out with at school.

A study says that constant participation on social media could lead to depression and anxiety for teens. Mostly when they realize they are failing all their classes because they are on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram all day.

A program is helping low income preschoolers to learn to like eating vegetables. Although it would probably be a better idea to teach students how to like doing math, science and history.

Scientists say the best way to keep dust mites away is to leave beds unmade. In other words, every one of the researchers involved in the study were men.

A study says that the major causes of death for people are their own bad habits. Like being sloppy about letting their wife find out they have an account at Ashley Madison.

A study says that too much or too little sleep can put people at risk for heart disease. Well, that sure narrows it down.

A study says that too much or too little sleep can put people at risk for heart disease. If that’s the case, most people are going to figure if they are going to have heart problems either way they will go with sleeping all day.

A study says that eating fish is linked to a lower rate of depression. Except for people who realize they aren’t going to get a second date after making the first date for dinner at Red Lobster.

A study says that eating fish is linked to a lower rate of depression. The study is based on when is the last time you saw a dolphin or seal going in to see a therapist?

A woman in Washington, D.C. has started a diaper bank for low income families. A diaper bank is different from a regular bank in that it is the one place you don’t want to be informed of a sudden deposit.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly being kept out of Canada because of her criminal record. She was told that 45 minutes she spent in jail would some day come back to haunt her.

Lindsay Lohan is reportedly being kept out of Canada because of her criminal record. Which is perfectly acceptable to most Americans as long as we can do the same thing with Justin Bieber.

Central State University in Ohio is removing the name of Bill Cosby from a campus building. Apparently they say his name would be much better represented on other college buildings, mostly on fraternity houses at UNLV.

Jewel says that she was hit on by men when she was only 8 years old. Which means that it was when she turned 9 when that one snaggletooth grew in completely sideways.

A growing trend on college campuses is for all female hackathons. Which explains where the idea for that whole Ashley Madison membership breach got started in the first place.

Microsoft has named its first company president since 2002. Most people under 40 were surprised to hear the news. They had no idea there was another technology company besides Apple.

Germanwings is offering blind booking where the fliers only find out their eventual destination after they arrive. Which is already known in the airline business as flying economy on United.

A professor at UC Berkeley says there could be a trillion smart devices in the world by 2025. And that’s just the number needed to take all the pictures of meals, feet on the beach and selfies that everyone feels they have to post on Facebook.

Pew Research says that only 6% of people quizzed could answer ten basic science questions. The other 94% couldn’t even answer how much is 6%.

Pew Research says that only 6% of people quizzed could answer ten basic science questions. The other 94% however were able to give the names of all the Kardashian family members, Britney Spears’ shoe size and Katy Perry’s favorite ice cream flavor.

China is telling the U.S. to stop its “groundless” hacking accusations against them. The Chinese like to say it is more of a case of nostalgia with their workers wanting to revisit all the devices that they made.

China is telling the U.S. to stop its “groundless” hacking accusations against them. The Chinese say that it is just a case of looking into our bank accounts to see when we will have enough money to start finally paying back all the money we owe them.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Football season is finally underway. Or as women call that, the last time they will see their husbands on a weekend until the middle of February. I am always depressed this time of year, because football season means cooler weather which leads us into winter and then the holidays and having to wait all the way til spring for baseball to come back. Plus, it means 16 weeks of watching the Raiders try to figure out how to play the game. I think bears have the right idea by just hibernating through this part of the year. Another good reason for that would be to spare you from any more bad jokes until the spring thaw. Nah, I’ll keep writing contrary to continued requests. At least the price is right, all I ask is that you still try to remember once in awhile to make sure and send the love!

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