Friday, September 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that Alzheimer’s Disease may be infectious. Apparently it tends to be spread mostly through nursing homes and other places where people in their 80s tend to congregate.

Brian Williams is set to return to MSNBC to cover the Pope’s visit to the U.S. later this month. He wanted to cover the visit so he could recount his story about how he helped the Pope get elected and later saved his life.

A gaming group says that Americans will bet $95 Billion this year on football games. Which coincidentally is the same amount of money that will be put down on bail for the Cincinnati Bengals.

A gaming group says that Americans will bet $95 Billion this year on football games. Mostly because people figure it will be a lot more fun watching it disappear than having the same thing happen putting the money into a house or the stock market.

The federal government has reportedly spent $345,000 to make computers more gender sensitive. Apparently male government employees want to make sure only porn sites featuring women pop up on their work computers.

A French court has ruled that Monsanto is guilty of chemical poisoning. It’s the first time a company has been convicted of a crime based on their business model.

A French court has ruled that Monsanto is guilty of chemical poisoning. The company accepted the verdict, saying it’s pretty much like robbing a bank and getting a ticket for not putting coins in the parking meter.

Minneapolis schools have pulled books from a Utah publisher for being “culturally insensitive and unacceptable.” In other words, they were about life in Utah.

A woman was arrested after swallowing 68 cocaine pellets before taking a flight from Jamaica to Florida. Apparently that’s what happens when Caribbean countries don’t have any airport Starbucks.

Keurig has unveiled Campbell’s Soup K-Cups that can be used in the brewers. Which is great news for anyone who wants to start their morning off with a cup of fresh chicken noodle latte.

Falling revenues are forcing Turkmenistan to scrap giving citizens free gas, water and electricity. People were shocked. Turkmenistan has gas, water and electricity?

A report says that airlines were more on time in July but also generated more complaints. Mostly because travelers had more time to finally sit down and write the complaints since they weren’t running through an airport to make their connection.

Former tennis pro James Blake, who is black says he was tackled and injured by New York City Police in a case of mistaken identity. He says at least it was a friendlier encounter than jumping over the net on a court with Lleyton Hewitt.

10,000 tickets to see Pope Francis I in Philadelphia later this month were snapped up in 30 seconds. Mostly because the Pope has had a better year than the Phillies or the Eagles.

Krispy Kreme stock prices are down 20% this year. Mostly because business has dropped as people are figuring out eating their donuts is the reason their waistlines have expanded 20% this year.

A report says that nearly 20 Million American children get free lunches at school. Apparently it’s a way to get them to show up ever since they realized coming to school wasn’t getting them an education.

United Airlines CEO Jeff Smisek has resigned in the wake of a federal corruption probe. He still gets a $28 Million severance package, but the good news is that his time in Hell has already been arranged as part of his retirement plan calls for free flights for life on United.

Fiat Chrysler has recalled 1.7 Million trucks for faulty airbags and bad welds. Why they were welding the airbags is still anyone’s guess.

A survey says that 57% of college students consider themselves money smart. They’re the ones who figured out another way to pay for their education other than taking out tuition loans they will be paying off until they are 62.

A survey says that 57% of college students consider themselves money smart. Mostly from making $3 pay for enough Top Ramen, macaroni and cheese and Lucky Lager to get them through an entire week.

A poll says that Americans still view the airline industry in a positive way. Although these are the same people who put their money in a bank, have cable TV service and still keep reelecting the same people into Congress.

Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy is calling for people to make walking a national priority. People are already ahead of him, making the effort every day to walk out to their car, to the snack room at work and from their couch to the refrigerator.

A study says that people alter the way they walk to take the least amount of effort. Mostly by making sure they never park their Rascal scooter more than a few feet away from where they are sitting.

A diabetes study took several men of normal weight and had them eat a diet of 6,000 calories a day. Which they could have done just as easily by going to any Buffalo Wild Wings on college football Saturday.

A study says that short high intensity workouts may help with heart issues of people with type 2 diabetes. Ironically, most people get type 2 diabetes with high intensity workouts using a knife and fork.

The 2016 Chevy Malibu comes with technology that allows parents to track how their teens are driving. The only problem is how to get a teenager to be seen driving around in a Chevy Malibu.

Two people have died and 341 were sickened by a salmonella outbreak traced to cucumbers. People were shocked. There were more than 300 people who ate cucumbers?

Ellen DeGeneres says that being a judge on “American Idol” was one of the worst decisions she ever made. Although most other people wish they were dumb enough to make a mistake that brought in a $5 Million paycheck.

Ellen DeGeneres says that being a judge on “American Idol” was one of the worst decisions she ever made. She has no one else to blame but herself. She saw that the open chair was the one right next to Simon Cowell.

Ellen DeGeneres says that being a judge on “American Idol” was one of the worst decisions she ever made. Although some people may disagree, saying it was not as bad as the decision to wear yoga pants on her show.

Justin Bieber was given a Guinness World’s Record plaque for becoming the youngest male artist to debut at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100. He also got the record for conning the most people out of their money since Bernie Madoff was finally caught.

Dallas defensive end Greg Hardy says he won’t challenge his four game suspension in court. At least not until he is able to guarantee an overturn by switching positions to become a quarterback who happens to have a supermodel wife.

Texas A&M’s Kyle Field will offer a four foot long, twelve pound hot dog at football games. To which most Texans are asking what will be on the menu for the 2nd, 3rd and 4th quarters?

The New England Patriots say if Tom Brady were suspended in the season’s first game, they would have raised a “Tom Brady” banner instead of one commemorating their Super Bowl win. They would have also given him a half time 21 ball pump salute.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather has denied allegations he took an illegal IV before his fight with Manny Pacquiao. He should know by now that needles in sports are only legal if they are used to let the air out of footballs.

Boxer Floyd Mayweather has denied allegations he took an illegal IV before his fight with Manny Pacquiao. People watching the fight say that would have given him an advantage over everyone in the house, especially if the IV injection contained caffeine.

Las Vegas oddsmakers have picked the Seattle Seahawks as the favorites to win Super Bowl 50. Apparently the gamblers have gotten inside information that Russell Wilson spent the offseason learning how to do a handoff.

Joe Biden appeared on “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” and talked about a run for “a promotion.” Which didn’t really give anything away since as sitting Vice President, what job anywhere wouldn’t be a promotion?

Donald Trump says that debating Hillary Clinton would be the “easiest challenge of his life.” Anything has to be easy for a man who feels comfortable going out in public with that haircut.

Eleven Republicans will share the stage in the next presidential debate on CNN. Which means there will probably be more people in front of the camera than the number tuning in for CNN’s regular evening programming.

Donald Trump leading the polls with Republican women. Which means Trump’s campaign is like a Don Rickles performance. The more he insults the audience, the more they keep coming back.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says the Treasury has fallen below the minimum cash balance of $150 Billion. Which means if they don’t increase it within a few days the government’s free checking account may have to pay a $5 monthly service fee.

Treasury Secretary Jack Lew says the Treasury has fallen below the minimum cash balance of $150 Billion. The question is why is $150 Billion suddenly an issue when no one in Washington, D.C. cares that we have racked up a deficit of $18 Trillion?

Latin stars are set to record a song against Donald Trump called “We’re All Mexicans.” Which is different from the song’s working title of “We All Came In A Yellow Chevy Trunk.”

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal called Donald Trump an “egomaniacal madman.” That’s no surprise. Only an egomaniacal madman would think they have the ability to get the country back on course at this point.

Presidential candidate Martin O’Malley played guitar and sang on Wall Street and made $1.74 in tips in an hour. The sad part is that is still more money than has been collected in all of Rand Paul’s campaign fundraisers.

Presidential candidate Martin O’Malley played guitar and sang on Wall Street and made $1.74 in tips in an hour. Or he could have made millions of dollars in a lot less time by making a few phone calls to the people on the top floors just saying he was Jeb Bush.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tom Brady and the Patriots won their first game against the Steelers last night, after which he went home to his mansion and supermodel wife and said “Who says cheaters never prosper?!” Which was a rhetorical question since we already knew that from Wall Street executives, George W. Bush and O.J. Simpson. I play within the rules, which is why I don’t take any money for these jokes because I don’t want to be accused of theft. The only rule I would like all of you to follow is the one that asks you to take the time to remember once in awhile to send the love!

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