Thursday, September 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Pennsylvania barbershop was fined $750 for refusing to cut a woman’s hair. If it was the same shop that cut Pete Rose’s hair when he was with the Phillies, she should have paid them the $750 for refusing.

A Pennsylvania barbershop was fined $750 for refusing to cut a woman’s hair. It still isn’t known if the woman was hoping to get the crew cut, flattop or bowl haircut.

Marriott Hotels are testing out an in-room Virtual Reality service. Although it would be a better idea for the idea to be used by Super 8 Motels to make their customers think they are at a Marriott.

Marriott Hotels are testing out an in-room Virtual Reality service. That way guests can pretend they are actually getting room service in under two hours.

China is planning to land a spacecraft on the dark side of the Moon. Which means that their president has been spending a little too much time getting stoned and listening to Pink Floyd lately.

California has approved a measure to allow doctors to prescribe suicide pills to terminal patients. Although most of the requests come from people who are sitting in their doctor’s office more than four hours still waiting to be seen.

Chrissie Hynde from the Pretenders calls today’s pop stars “sex workers.” Which is fortunate for them because no one would have ever heard of Miley Cyrus, Rihanna or Britney Spears if they actually had to make a living through their singing.

Citi is warning that China is leading the world towards global recession. To which most people are saying “When did we get out of the last one?

Jets wide receiver Brandon Marshall says that white players are treated differently than black players in the NFL. Apparently he is complaining that white players get away with everything while black players actually have to deal with getting a slap on the wrist.

Jets wide receiver Brandon Marshall says that white players are treated differently than black players in the NFL. Apparently he would like to see Commissioner Roger Goodell be as incompetent with his disciplinary decisions on everyone.

92 year old Viacom executive chairman Sumner Redstone reportedly kicked his 43 year old girlfriend out for being involved with another man. That is, if you call being involved something other than serving oatmeal in bed and constantly changing diapers.

92 year old Viacom executive chairman Sumner Redstone reportedly kicked his 43 year old girlfriend out for being involved with another man. Donald Trump was surprised at his behavior. What was he doing keeping her around 13 years too long?

Queen Elizabeth II has become the longest reigning monarch in English history at 63 years, 216 days. The exact total came from heir to the Throne Prince Charles who says “But who’s counting?”

A 12 year old girl in the UK has been tested as having an IQ of 162, higher than both Einstein and Stephen Hawking. It was suspected she might be advanced when asked the theory of relativity and came up with more than just “Mum, dad, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and cousins.”

A 12 year old girl in the UK has been tested as having an IQ of 162, higher than both Einstein and Stephen Hawking. She has already been awarded for her diligent work in trying to find a cure for cooties.

A 12 year old girl in the UK has been tested as having an IQ of 162, higher than both Einstein and Stephen Hawking. Unfortunately, she lost her bid to be elected class president to a girl who can sing all Miley Cyrus’ songs and a boy who looks like Justin Bieber.

An employment group says the Uber economy is “like a turn of the century sweatshop.” To which most Uber drivers are denying that, saying most of their cars come with air conditioning.

McDonald’s has announced they will use only cage-free eggs in its products. People were surprised. Who knew that McDonald’s actually uses real eggs?

McDonald’s has announced they will use only cage-free eggs in its products. Now people are just asking they also consider using mold-free buns.

An Al Queda magazine is urging attacks on U.S. economic leaders including Warren Buffett, Michael Bloomberg and the Koch Brothers. Although most billionaires are currently less afraid of being taken out by Al Queda as they are by Bernie Sanders.

An Al Queda magazine is urging attacks on U.S. economic leaders including Warren Buffett, Michael Bloomberg and the Koch Brothers. Al Queda has a magazine? That’s the one that when the subscription isn’t renewed the last issue is delivered by a suicide bomber.

An Al Queda magazine is urging attacks on U.S. economic leaders including Warren Buffett, Michael Bloomberg and the Koch Brothers. Al Queda has a magazine? That’s the one that Publishers Clearing House contest winners are greeted not by Ed McMahon but by 72 virgins.

A poll says that government workers are happier with their retirement plans and other benefits than private sector workers. To which the private sector workers are saying “Retirement? Benefits? What are those?”

A poll says that government workers are happier with their retirement plans and other benefits than private sector workers. Although they are still a bit miffed at having to work more than four days a week, five hours at a time.

New York City is going to require warnings on restaurant menu items that have too much salt. Mostly at the request of customers who feel it takes away from the natural flavor of the meals’ fat and sugar.

U.S. job openings reached a record high in July. The jobs just can’t be filled because most people are too busy trying to make ends meet by working their other three minimum wage jobs.

U.S. job openings reached a record high in July. People are lining up for jobs that haven’t even come open yet. Like the 22 people who are already working day and night to try to get the position coming up in November, 2016 in the White House.

GM has recalled 121,000 Cadillacs that have window defrosters that can overheat and catch fire. Is that a problem? How often is there going to be any frost forming on a windshield that is in flames?

A study says that banning trans fats has reduced deaths from heart disease. Which went largely unnoticed as most people thought a study on trans fats had something to do with Caitlyn Jenner gaining some weight.

A report says that new anti-cholesterol drugs are too expensive. Apparently the idea is that when people spend all their money on the drugs they don’t have enough left over to actually buy any fatty foods.

A report says that new anti-cholesterol drugs are too expensive. The first clue that they are way overpriced is that they are primarily made and sold by pharmaceutical companies.

French scientists are studying a 30,000 year old virus found in Siberia. No one had any idea that Larry King was even in that part of the world.

French scientists are studying a 30,000 year old virus found in Siberia. When you have caught a 30,000 year old virus, it is time to seriously consider upgrading to a different health care plan.

A study says that people who think that DNA drives their obesity are more likely to have a bad diet. Until they find out what is really driving their obesity is all the times they have driven through the closest McDonald’s drive-thru.

A study says that men with a low resting heart rate are more likely to be criminals. Mostly the ones who go berserk and have a low heart rate because they didn’t get their morning cup of Starbucks.

A study claims to have found the reason runners slow with age. Apparently it has something to do with them getting older.

A study claims to have found the reason runners slow with age. Apparently it isn’t so much their bodies wearing out as it is from their constantly stopping to try to remember where they were going.

Reese Witherspoon was named as People Magazine’s “best dressed star” of 2015. Kim Kardashian was ruled ineligible to compete until she actually puts some clothes on.

Reese Witherspoon was named as People Magazine’s “best dressed star” of 2015. On the men’s side, Mark Zuckerberg was voted best dressed of 1983.

Frederick Winship, former long time editor and journalist at UPI has died at age 90. To which everyone under 40 is asking “What’s UPI?”

Frederick Winship, former long time editor and journalist at UPI has died at age 90. Although everyone under 40 has no idea what UPI is since they deliver their news reports in more than 140 characters.

David Cassidy’s Florida mansion was auctioned off as part of his filing for bankruptcy. Reports say that at least for the time being, he is living in and driving around in a psychedelically painted school bus.

Florida State University says it will allow football fans with guns to bring them to games as long as they lock them in their cars. To which gun owners are saying if they have to lock them in their cars, what’s the point of bringing them in the first place?

Florida State University says it will allow football fans with guns to bring them to games as long as they lock them in their cars. To which the other fans are asking if it would be  OK to instead let the guns inside the stadium and lock the owners in their cars.

Microsoft is asking a court to block the U.S. government from forcing the company to hand over e-mails stored in servers in Ireland. The company is saying the whole situation would be solved if Hillary Clinton would just hand over the e-mails herself.

Donald Trump insulted presidential candidate Carly Fiorina, asking if anyone would vote for someone with her face. Which was pretty much already answered by the people who are supporting someone with Trump’s hair.

The Justice Department says it is setting its sights on Wall Street criminals. Apparently they are determined to go after those behind the economic crash. Just as soon as they can round up the witnesses still left around since 1929.

The Justice Department says it is setting its sights on Wall Street criminals. Apparently they are determined to go after those behind the economic crash. When they are done with them, they will only be able to light their cigars with $50 bills.

President Obama is warning Congress not to shut down the government. Mostly because he is afraid of what will happen when the people realize how much better the country runs when federal offices are in a lock down.

President Obama is warning Congress not to shut down the government. The good news is that between fundraising, vacations and junkets, most members of Congress aren’t around long enough to actually try to close anything down.

A judge says a Republican lawsuit aimed at shutting down Obamacare can move forward. Which is different from the Republican Party who with same sex marriage, health care reform and economic policies continue to move backwards.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly set to back a $15 an hour minimum wage for the entire state. Which is good news for the people who work minimum wage jobs in New York who will finally be able to afford their commute from Pennsylvania, Vermont and New Hampshire.

Hillary Clinton has apologized over sending government e-mails through a private server. Members of Congress were shocked that someone would be so careless. Most of them know if any of their e-mails ever ended up in the wrong hands they would either be divorced, out of work or in jail.

An analysis of Jeb Bush’s proposed tax plan says it would cost the government $1.2 Trillion over ten years. Which turns out to be a real bargain considering Congress has put us $18 Trillion in the hole just since 2000.

The Labor Department has fined a fundamentalist Mormon Church $1.9 Million for making young children pick pecans by hand for no money. The bad news is that it means Utah is pretty much out of the running for any future locations of Nike factories.

Donald Trump says if he becomes President the Iran nuclear deal would be “renegotiated--or worse.” To which most people are willing to believe if Trump was in charge it would be the “or worse.”

President Obama promoted his plan for college affordability on a trip to Michigan. Which as met with a lot of enthusiasm by all the people who see a college degree as the best way to finally get out of Michigan.

President Obama promoted his plan for college affordability on a trip to Michigan. Mostly because it’s hard to pay off $100,000 in college loan debt while working behind the register at a 7-Eleven.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was good news to see yesterday how the CEO of United Airlines had to step down as part of a federal investigation. The question is, how bad was his crime so that even United says they couldn’t keep him? Now all the feds need to investigate is how United is still even in business they way they run their crappy airline? As you can tell, I have flown United a couple of times and didn’t learn my lesson back in 1984. As they say, fool me once shame on you. Fool me 15 or 16 times and I get frequent flier miles. In any event, I am not ashamed to take part in a little Schadenfreude when it is a company that is inherently evil. Their downfall would be to the benefit of society in general so I am OK with that. In any event, while that makes me happy to some extent my day is really never complete until all of you out there remember to take the time to send the love!

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