Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A chef at P.F. Chang’s in Boston is facing a murder charge after reportedly stabbing a coworker to death. The moral of that story is never get on the nerves of someone who spends their whole day using a Ginsu to hack up sushi.

A chef at P.F. Chang’s in Boston is facing a murder charge after reportedly stabbing a coworker to death. Although customers did say they liked the new sauce being used in the California rolls.

A study says that walking 25 minutes every day can add seven years to a person’s life. The only problem is that seven years is pretty much the extra time that person will spend taking walks.

China says that 197 people have been punished for posting rumors online. Internet experts were shocked. There are fewer than 200 people in China who are registered on Facebook?

ISIS has shown off its new currency which is comprised of gold silver and copper coins. People are advised to never take part in a coin toss with anyone from ISIS where they are calling “heads.”

The Illinois lottery has gone broke and is paying off winners with IOUs. Lottery officials say they will be back in business just as soon as one of them has their numbers come up in Powerball.

The Illinois lottery has gone broke and is paying off winners with IOUs. The sad part is that the winners will just have to wait for the money they were going to use to get out of Illinois.

Jared Fogle is suing the former head of his charity foundation over an unpaid loan of $191,000. Apparently they are trying to work out an agreement where he pays off Fogle over the next 10-15 years with candy bars and cigarettes.

Police in Toronto closed down several streets because of an unstable antenna on top of the Trump International Hotel. Apparently just like Trump the building is topped with something that needs to be carefully secured to keep from falling off.

Rick Perry’s Iowa staff has been cut back to just one person. Which is still more than the number of people in Iowa who have pledged to vote for him in the primary.

Louisiana has been designated as the worst state for drivers. Mostly because so many vehicles obscure the visibility of the people behind the wheel who have trouble seeing past their gun racks and rebel flags.

Clothing chain Forever 21 is looking to borrow $150 Million to stay in business. Although most college graduates know being hopelessly in debt for years to come as forever 22.

Labor Day Weekend travel is expected to increase this year with lower air fares and gas prices. Along with the fact that people have more time to take to the roads to celebrate the labor they don’t have since they lost their job.

A conservative group has put up a billboard in Times Square attacking the $15 an hour minimum wage. Like anyone who makes minimum wage can afford to hang out in Times Square.

Fiat Chrysler is recalling 206,000 Jeep Cherokee SUVs because of faulty windshield wipers. Which isn’t that big of a deal since who needs to see out the window of a car that hasn’t made it out of the driveway in the past three years anyway?

A poll says that 1 in 5 employed American workers are worried about wage reduction. The other 4 have no fears since their are laws saying their companies can’t pay less than their current minimum wage.

A poll says that 1 in 5 employed American workers are worried about wage reduction. Which is still better than the 1 in 5 Americans who are still looking for some kind of job that pays them a wage of any kind in the first place.

A report says that the minimum wage is not enough for a family to be able to make ends meet. Although the good news is that they don’t need to try to do any better as families making more than $100,000 can’t make ends meet, either.

A study says that getting less than six hours of sleep a night can lead to getting more colds. Especially when your wife makes you sleep on the porch outside when she catches you sneaking in at 3:00 in the morning.

McDonald’s says it is going to start making its Egg McMuffins with real butter. Apparently their goal is to clog up customers’ arteries just a bit more during breakfast so they can get a stent put in and be back in time for lunch.

A “Happy Meal” bill in New York is calling for lower calories, fat and sodium in kids-themed meals. Legislators came up with the idea when the most popular kids’ meal prizes were the toy defibrillators.

A “Happy Meal” bill in New York is calling for kids’ meals to have less than 500 calories. The restaurants are happy to comply because it will mean every time a child comes in it means they will be selling three meals.

A study says that eating on the move may lead to later overeating. Mostly because people’s idea of eating on the move is nibbling on a cheese log while walking back and forth from the kitchen to the couch to refill the bowl of Doritos and reheat some pizza.

A study says that people who have total knee or hip replacements are at a higher risk of having a heart attack. Mostly the people who need keen and hip replacements because they wore them out having to carry around their 400 pound bodies.

Doctors say that children should be told about the dangers of drinking by the time they are 10. Mostly because that is right around the time kids are getting tired of beer and wine and start experimenting with the strong stuff.

Doctors say that children should be told about the dangers of drinking by the time they are 10. Mostly because they don’t want the kids to be in danger of mixing alcohol with all the prescriptions their physicians are giving them for their ADHD.

Doctors say that children should be told about the dangers of drinking by the time they are 10. Although most kids that age aren’t interested in alcohol because it leaves a bad aftertaste after a meal high in salt, sugar and fat.

A study says that in order to lose weight, people should stop counting calories. Mostly because it is too stressful for people without a math degree to keep track of numbers that are reaching into 7 digits.

A study says that in order to lose weight, people should stop counting calories. Although by looking around, it pretty much appears that people already quit counting their calories sometime back in 1995.

A study says that the only way to avoid a hangover is to not drink too much. Although the only problem with that is waking up without a hangover and realizing you didn’t drink as much as you could have.

A study says that doctors avoid conversations about religion in the ICU. Mostly because they like to keep it silent since the only prayers they are saying are the ones asking for their patients to all have good insurance policies.

A study says that a midday nap is good for a person’s blood pressure. Unless they are caught taking that nap when their boss walks into their office.

Self-help guru Wayne Dyer has died at age 75. His family says that to stay true to his work, at his funeral there will be no pallbearers.

Judge Joe Brown has been sentenced to five days in jail for contempt of court. Which serves him right for walking into the wrong studio during the taping of “Judge Judy.”

Kanye West announced in a rambling acceptance speech at the MTV VMAs that he will run for President in 2020. That is, provided that we can figure out by then who will be elected President on the 2016 ballot.

Kylie Jenner and her boyfriend Tyga were reportedly fined for wasting water during the California drought. Apparently authorities were calling it unfortunate when anyone in the Kardashian family wastes everyone else’s water by drinking some of it.

Google life sciences is making diabetes its first big target. Mostly because the majority of Type 2 diabetes cases are found in people who sit at their computer all day looking up things on Google.

A former Secret Service agent has admitted he stole $820,000 in Bitcoins. Mostly because there are lots of foreign countries where the hookers won’t accept U.S. dollars.

A former Secret Service agent has admitted he stole $820,000 in Bitcoins. He was caught based on the witnesses’ description which either pointed to someone from the Secret Service or a remaining member of the Blues Brothers.

The Department of Energy has given the go ahead for construction of the most powerful digital camera in the world for mapping the universe. Also because the New Horizons spacecraft wants to take some selfies with Pluto.

The Department of Energy has given the go ahead for construction of the most powerful digital camera in the world for mapping the universe. To see if it can capture the entire universe, it’s first test will be to try to get all of Kim Kardashian’s behind in one frame.

Extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison swears that real women use its site. Which is the final nail in the coffin for the three men who so far avoided being divorced because their wives believed the stories about not having any real women members.

Scientists in Scotland say they have discovered an ingredient that makes ice cream melt more slowly. Although these are the same people who have figured out the ingredient that makes haggis have a shelf life of 300 years.

Scientists in Scotland say they have discovered an ingredient that makes ice cream melt more slowly. All it takes is to add the ingredient and eat the ice cream in northern Scotland where the temperature never gets above 35 degrees.

General Mills says it will reduce its greenhouse gas emissions by 28% over the next decade. The company’s first plan will be to stop manufacturing its entire line of Fiber One oat bran cereals.

James L. Flanagan, who developed technology to enable computers to talk has died at age 89. The family has announced the eulogy at his funeral will be given by Siri.

Extramarital affairs site Ashley Madison says that 90,000 women signed up for membership last week. Mostly the ones who are newly single and looking for companionship after divorcing their husbands who were exposed as having accounts.

People across the state of Ohio are reportedly fuming that President Obama is changing the name of Mt. McKinley which was named after the Ohio native. Mostly because it’s the only mountain that was ever named after someone from a state whose highest point is 1,500 feet above sea level.

An Arizona congressman is apologizing for scaring elementary school children by talking about nuclear weapons and suicide bombers. He says he only meant to talk about things like that to scare their parents.

An Arizona congressman is apologizing for scaring elementary school children by talking about nuclear weapons and suicide bombers. At least he didn’t really scare the kids by talking about how if they start saving for college now they might have their tuition loans paid off when they are in their 60s.

An Arizona congressman is apologizing for scaring elementary school children by talking about nuclear weapons and suicide bombers. It’s just a good thing he didn’t get to the part where he talks about wedgies, noogies and cooties.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, I appreciate you reading the blog for your daily source of humor. Or for just killing 15 minutes, whichever. It isn’t easy cranking out around 50 jokes a day. Unless they are jokes like these. Plus, I also have a full time job I need to work at for a few minutes every day. Just keep spreading the word to all your friends and have them check in every day as well. That would be almost as good as when you all remember to send the love!

1 comment:

benson said...

It's always appreciated.