Sunday, August 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says the Google algorithm that ranks positive and negative stories about candidates could help steal the election. To which George W. Bush is saying if that is true, then why do we even need the Supreme Court?

A blind women in Philadelphia was saved when her dog dialed 911 after her house caught fire. That’s nice, but if dogs really want to be of service to their owners they will start learning how to dial Domino’s.

The U.S. government is authorizing large scale sea travel to Cuba which includes luxury yachts for tourism. Cuba responded by authorizing luxury yachts to sail to the U.S., which in Cuba means enough barrels, Styrofoam and rope to hold 20 people.

Joe Biden is reportedly seeking some time for quiet respite before deciding if he will run for President. Which if he wins will be the last quiet respite the country will have for the next four years.

Target has removed gender labels from its kids’ sections after getting complaints. Which means it is still behind Wal-Mart which for years has sold unisex overalls, flannel shirts and shotguns.

Recent runway shows are suggesting that men’s fashion is headed back to the androgyny movement. Especially with the introduction at several shows of the new fall line from Caitlyn Jenner.

A 12 year old English girl reportedly has a 162 IQ, higher than Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking. Which is nothing compared to the 4 year old American kids who after the debates were shown to have IQs higher than Rick Perry, Chris Christie and Donald Trump.

Police in India say five women accused of witchcraft were beaten to death by villagers. That’s the last time anyone in that region will be caught watching reruns of “Bewitched.”

A judge in Texas ordered a man to either marry his fiancee or go to jail. Which means he was given the chance of being either the husband or the wife.

A chemical spill in the Animas River in Colorado turned the water orange. Either that, or John Boehner fell overboard while whitewater rafting.

Workers at a toy factory in China are protesting over unpaid wages. Apparently the workers there are unhappy that they can’t even buy any of the toys they make to take home and play with during nap time.

Verizon is ditching its two year contract plans. Meanwhile, AT&T still insists on two year contracts just so people are guaranteed to stick around long enough to see at least some of their calls go through.

A computer networking company in Silicon Valley says it was scammed out of $47 Million. That’s the last time they will be suckered into buying any stock with Twitter.

The CEO of the FX Network says there is “simply too much TV being made today.” Or after watching “The Kardashians,” “Duck Dynasty” and “Honey BooBoo” most people would say there is too much TV being made about simpletons.

The GOP debate was the most widely watched non-sporting event ever on Cable. Although a lot of people assumed it was a sporting event when they saw Chris Christie arrive and thought it was the Goodyear Blimp.

CVS Caremark says it will drop coverage of several drugs including Viagra next year. Which means that the pharmaceutical market isn’t the only thing going soft.

The American Psychological Association says it will ban members from taking part in CIA interrogations. If their members want to torture people they will just have to stick with weekly therapy sessions.

A report says that survivors of Ebola face lingering pain, fatigue and depression. And that’s just from trying to figure out how to pay for all their medical bills.

A court says that four Catholic nonprofits must allow workers access to contraception. When members of the Catholic Church ask about contraception, they are just asked how is their sense of rhythm?

 A court says that four Catholic nonprofits must allow workers access to contraception. It’s easy to tell which Catholic families are using contraception. They are the ones with fewer than eight kids.

New smartphone apps can be used by people to keep track of how much they have been drinking. Mostly by the number of late night booty calls they make to their old girlfriends.

New smartphone apps can be used by people to keep track of how much they have been drinking. The way to tell you have had too much is by looking at the apps on your iPhone and seeing three of each.

Turkey is allowing people to come to work an hour late if they use the time for exercise. To which most people are claiming their exercise is repeatedly rolling over and hitting the snooze button.

A study says that college students are largely misinformed about Ebola. Many think it’s the word to describe the way black people speak.

A study says that college students are largely misinformed about Ebola. Although not nearly as much as how misinformed they are about how long they will have to be working to pay off their college loans.

A study says that getting work e-mails after hours can raise employees’ stress levels. Especially when the people are getting work e-mails and texts when their boss is Anthony Weiner.

A new product called FATwater is being marketed as water that contains fat, sweeteners and flavor. Otherwise known as McDonald’s in a bottle.

A new product called FATwater is being marketed as water that contains fat, sweeteners and flavor. Apparently it was made for people who have been placed on a liquid diet but still want to be able to get the minimum daily requirements of their junk food lifestyle.

A report says that 4 Million Americans admit to sometimes drinking and driving. The rest need to stay sober enough while they are driving to be able to see well enough to be able to use their cellphones to talk, text and take selfies.

Emma Watson says she didn’t speak for a week after breaking up with her boyfriend Matt Janney. To which most men are saying if their former girlfriends had done that once in awhile before the breakup they might still be together.

Rory McIlroy made it through a practice round before the PGA Championship testing out his injured ankle. To which most weekend golfers are wondering how anyone can get around the course without full use of their foot wedge.

Rory McIlroy made it through a practice round before the PGA Championship testing out his injured ankle. The only injuries serious enough to keep most golfers off the course are the ones that keep them from being able to lift a beer bottle up to their mouth.

A minor league baseball game in Florida was postponed because of interference by the lights from a nearby circus. Apparently they didn’t want any of their players making errors and giving the tired excuse of “The circus lights got in my eye!”

A survey says that 88% of adults say they have sexted. Which explains what men really mean when their girlfriend sends them naked selfies and they crash their car blaming it on being distracted by headlights.

A survey says that 88% of adults say they have sexted. The other 12% have never heard of Myspace.

Microsoft says it will support the new time zone created by North Korea. Mostly by continuing to make programs that are compatible with their computers by writing them in BASIC for the Altair 8800.

A survey says that a quarter of young adults buy records they never listen to. Mostly the ones who accidentally ordered songs from Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift.

A survey says that a quarter of young adults buy records they never listen to. The other three quarters figured out long ago how to go online and steal all the music they want.

The Pentagon’s e-mail system is back online after a cyber attack. The most embarrassing part was having to ask Hillary Clinton if it was OK in the meantime to use her server.

Donald Trump ended his relationship with his long time political adviser Roger Stone. People were shocked. Trump listens to political advice?

Donald Trump ended his relationship with his long time political adviser Roger Stone. Apparently Stone decided to take his political know-how to someone with a more positive public image who is better at taking advice. He starts with Kim Jong-un next week.

Donald Trump ended his relationship with his long time political adviser Roger Stone. Apparently he wants to work with groups that don’t have quite as many fires to put out, like Cable TV companies, big oil or United Airlines.

President Obama started off his most recent vacation by playing a round of golf with Larry David. Which is different than how other comedians get their material just by reading about his policies.

President Obama started off his most recent vacation by playing a round of golf with Larry David. He still plays occasionally with John Boehner but only at night when he can still see well enough to play in the dark because of the orange glow.

President Obama started off his most recent vacation by playing a round of golf with Larry David. Which is fitting since most Americans call his fiscal policies have turned us into the economy about nothing.

Rand Paul opened fire on Donald Trump at a campaign stop on Saturday. Which someone should tell him that the next time Trump humiliates him in a debate he should try to come back with his zingers in a little less than 48 hours.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! That Republican debate is going to be the gift that keeps on giving. The worst part is that Donald Trump is being considered to give the keynote address at the Democratic National Convention. Who says the presidential campaigning lasts too long. This is the one time people may be asking for it to go even past the election. The only thing that could be better than all this material falling into my lap is to have all of you simultaneously remembering to make sure to send the love!

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