Friday, August 07, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that Marco Rubio and Scott Walker were viewed the most positively by Republicans going into Thursday’s debate. By the time the candidates were done taking each other apart, even a negative rating could end up being the most positive.

The Republican debate featured a lot of bickering between candidates, lackluster performances by Jeb Bush and Rand Paul and more pompous posturing by Donald Trump. In other words, the biggest winner of the Republican debate was Hillary Clinton.

A report says that turmoil at Twitter is taking a toll on employee morale. The only good part is that worker complaints aren’t as bad as they could be since they have to fit them in at 140 characters or less.

Moody’s Analytics predicts that a Democrat will win the White House next year. Mostly based on the fact that no Republican can even outpoll Donald Trump.

ISIS reportedly executed 19 women for refusing to have sex with the group’s fighters. The worst part for the women will be the part where they end up in the afterlife being stuck with 53 other virgins having sex with one of the fighters anyway.

A lawsuit accuses the New York Times of a racial purge. Which is good news for the companies in Silicon Valley who only have to worry about lawsuits for letting go of the white men who work there because of their weight or age.

NASA has signed a $490 Million contract with Russia to fly our astronauts back and forth to the International Space Station. The worst part of the deal is that it turns out to have been brokered by Uber.

A $100,000 around the world cruise lasting 128 days nearly sold out on the first day. Apparently even rich people couldn’t turn down the opportunity of taking part in a four month continuously running 24 hour buffet.

A $100,000 around the world cruise lasting 128 days nearly sold out on the first day. The cost breakdown is $50,000 for the cruise and the other $50,000 to cover medical expenses from seasickness, norovirus and too much time at the buffet tables.

A $100,000 around the world cruise lasting 128 days nearly sold out on the first day. For people who couldn’t afford that price tag, there is always the Carnival version where they cut the engines after departing port and drift aimlessly for six months.

A poll says that 40% of Democrats want Joe Biden to enter the race. Why should the Republicans with Donald Trump have all the fun of having a nut case trying to win the nomination?

A top computer industry lawyer says the dream of a free and open Internet is dying. It may not be free but most men will say paying $40 a month for access to unlimited porn is the best deal they ever made.

A study says that couples are having less sex for fear of being let down by the experience. In other words, researchers for the study only interviewed the women.

A report says that dementia victims are getting younger. Mostly people who want to forget what it will be like when their kids try to stick them in a nursing home.

Hackers reportedly found a way to kill the engine of a Tesla car while it was driving. They did the same thing with several Chrysler vehicles except that none of the owners actually noticed any difference.

Hackers reportedly found a way to kill the engine of a Tesla car while it was driving. Which gamers promptly labeled as the worst version of “Grand Theft Auto” ever.

The Democratic Party’s presidential debate won’t take place until October. Apparently the Democrats wanted to give the Republican candidates another two months’ time to completely annihilate themselves.

Democratic presidential candidate Martin O’Malley says the party is tilting the race towards Hillary Clinton. Mostly by not being able to talk anyone with any better name recognition than Martin O’Malley to run against her.

The New York Post has already started a countdown to the end of Mayor Bill DeBlasio’s first term which still has two and a half years to go. Which is pretty optimistic for the Post to think that a newspaper will be around long enough to see that happen.

A light post in San Francisco collapsed from corrosion caused by urine. Which has to make for more than a little anxiety for the passengers waiting in line to catch a New York City subway.

Sidewalks in Rome are being widened for the expected 30 Million visitors attending a jubilee. It’s the first time sidewalks anywhere have been widened other than after the first McDonald’s restaurant was opened there.

A report says that words like “difficult,” “hard” and “tough” appeared the most frequently in successful application essays to Harvard. As in “It would be difficult to have to drive a BMW and hard to explain to my friends why I can’t afford a Mercedes because of the tough times ahead if you don’t accept me and I have to go to Yale.”

McDonald’s is cutting 225 corporate jobs to try to revive their sagging business. Workers are eagerly anticipating the day when sales drop so much that corporate executives find out they are the ones who are now making $15 an hour.

Delta Airlines has been fined $2.7 Million for failing to produce information in a lawsuit over baggage fees. Ironically, they had the information but put it into a suitcase on an airplane and lost it.
 

Delta Airlines has been fined $2.7 Million for failing to produce information in a lawsuit over baggage fees. Which is no problem for the airline which will make up the money by increasing its fees for ticket changes, bottled water and blankets.

Falling oil prices have forced Saudi Arabia to borrow money to finance their growing deficits. The country’s leaders are claiming it’s a conspiracy, saying the oil glut amounts to nothing less than a sheik down.

Falling oil prices have forced Saudi Arabia to borrow money to finance their growing deficits. The good news is they can cut their military budget drastically as long as the oil supply is plentiful that takes away any threat of being invaded by the U.S.

The CDC says that middle and high schools’ early start times are harming the health of students. Waking up so early disrupts the sleep the students would normally get during their first three classes.

A study says that parental happiness after having their first child predicts the chances of having any more. Which means that all second, third and fourth children can pretty much figure they are here through the grace of a leaky condom.

A Senate report is urging the government to crack down on hidden or unfair airline fees. Which most members of Congress are just finding out about since they are usually flying everywhere on private corporate jets.

Senate report is urging the government to crack down on hidden or unfair airline fees. The report says there appears to be no justification for the fees other than increased profits. To which the airlines are saying “And your point is...?”

The head of the DEA has finally admitted that pot is safer than heroin. Which means the agency’s training film library will no longer contain copies of “Reefer Madness.”

A poll says that most Americans have poor basic knowledge of health and exercise. Most people taking the survey knew exercise as the stuff you have to do to get off the couch and get over to the kitchen to get more chips and beer.

A study says that certain carbohydrates can cause people to get depressed. It turns out the carbs that cause the most depression are in a birthday cake just from realizing they aren’t just fat but another year older.

An experimental gel is being looked at a way to cut the risk of genital herpes in women. Which is already available on the market known as Super Glue.

A report says that it was a faulty carburetor that caused Harrison Ford’s vintage plane to crash on a golf course earlier this year. The report also mentions a blown gasket and some leaky oil lines but that was in reference to Ford.

A report says that it was a faulty carburetor that caused Harrison Ford’s vintage plane to crash on a golf course earlier this year. That and apparently the Force just wasn’t with him.

A report says that it was a faulty carburetor that caused Harrison Ford’s vintage plane to crash on a golf course earlier this year. It was a different aircraft than the one he flew in the movie “Six Days Seven nights” as having Anne Heche as his passenger made it a biplane.

Steve Jobs will be the subject of an opera to premier in Santa Fe. It’s the one that won’t be over until the fat IT programming analyst sings.

Steve Jobs will be the subject of an opera to premier in Santa Fe. It’s the one that will have all kinds of pre-show publicity and will cost three times what any opera performances will charge.

50 Cent is reportedly looking to lease his $8.3 Million mansion in Connecticut. Which means that while he is searching for a new place to live 50 Cent will have no quarters.

The family of Kim Richards of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” is reportedly considering an involuntary psychiatric hold because of her recent behavior. It’s gotten so bad even the former cast members of “Jersey Shore” are recommending some of their favorite institutions.

The family of Kim Richards of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” is reportedly considering an involuntary psychiatric hold because of her recent behavior. Her family and friends became concerned when her erratic behavior continued even when the cameras weren’t rolling.

Tiger Woods has opened a new restaurant in Jupiter, Florida called The Woods Jupiter. The staff is made up entirely of women who have already auditioned through their work waitressing at Carrows.

Scientists in Australia say the best hangover cure is Asian pear juice. But only when it is mixed with two shots of vodka.

A study says that one third of all teens who meet people online also meet them in person. And who says that no one uses Myspace anymore?

A study says that 55% of teens say they text their friends every day. The other 45% don’t need to write anything because there is no description required to go along with the naked pictures they are sending.

A study says that 55% of teens say they text their friends every day. The other 45% would but they are still in the hospital recovering after crashing their car from texting while driving.

Donald Trump at the Republican debate would not rule out a run as a third party candidate in 2016. Which may not be necessary because judging how this primary season is shaping up, the Republicans are on their way to becoming a third party.

Google says that Ted Cruz was the most searched person during the Republican debate. Mostly people asking “Who is Ted Cruz?”

Google says that Ted Cruz was the most searched person during the Republican debate. Mostly people googling “signs of insanity.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hop you had a chance to watch the Republican debate. I missed the first part but saw enough to want to invest in those characters for a new reality show. Political dysfunction at its finest. It was just amazing that the Republican Party could find nine other people who made Donald Trump appear to be intelligent and resourceful. Let’s hope they decide to make this a weekly program. I think I am going to spend the entire weekend watching clips of it online. The only thing that will make for a better couple of days off is if you all decide to take the time to remember to send the love!

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