Thursday, August 06, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I has invited Oprah Winfrey to the Vatican. It’s always a good idea to have a little personal time away from the office and go out to dinner with the boss.

China has reportedly opened “concentration rehab camps” to cure people who are addicted to Internet gaming. They are reportedly tied up and locked away for six months, or as gamers call that Level 6 of “Grand Theft Auto.”

A marijuana startup in California wants to start delivering with drones. The company guarantees delivery sometime between Monday and Friday either later this month or maybe next.

A marijuana startup in California wants to start delivering with drones. Those are the drones that will be flying at 15 miles an hour and will keep circling around every pizzeria on the intended flight path.

A report says the “gig” economy will end the idea of lifelong careers. In other words, if your kids are living in the basement, they aren’t going to be moving anywhere until they reach at least 65.

A report says the “gig” economy will end the idea of lifelong careers. To which everyone under 30 is asking “what’s a career?”

A study says that having more sex can make people less happy. But usually only when their wives find out.

A study says that having more sex can make people less happy. But only when it results in years of having to change diapers and write out checks for child support.

Research says that genes are tied to people’s political views. Except with Bill Clinton where everything is instead pretty much guided by hormones.

Research says that genes are tied to people’s political views. That’s good news for people who are hoping all future presidential elections will be made this fun by buffoonery if Donald Trump’s children and grandchildren ever decide to run for office.

A study says that eating spicy foods can protect people from early death. Mostly from all the exercise running back and forth to the bathroom every time they eat at Taco Bell.

Russia is demanding ownership of the North Pole. They are making the claim now because they would have never done it when George W. Bush was President because of the threat he would invade to save Santa Claus.

Scientists are working on making brighter clouds to combat the effects of climate change. Apparently they are taking the idea of every cloud having a silver lining a bit too literally.

Scientists are working on making brighter clouds to combat the effects of climate change. When asked what kinds of clouds would be affected, researchers say mostly the ones that look like a ducky or a horsey.

A woman is recovering after being mauled by a female grizzly bear in Alaska. To avoid grizzly attacks in Alaska, hikers are advised to stay away from cubs, travel in groups and never pull into Sarah Palin’s driveway in a car with an Obama bumper sticker.

Bill Clinton reportedly called Donald Trump ahead of his 2016 presidential campaign launch. Apparently he called to advise him if he ever debates Hillary to make sure to wear garlic and bring along a wooden stake and some silver bullets.

A poll says that Eleanor Roosevelt is the top choice for a woman to be put on the $10 Bill. Which is amazing that Americans would make that pick considering she hasn’t even been the featured character in a Disney animated movie.

Pope Francis I is urging priests to welcome remarried Catholics. Which is no problem for most priests who see it as increasing their chances by bringing in all those kids from blended families.

A court in Texas as struck down the state’s voter ID law. Mostly the part where punch ballots can only be filled out using a .22 rifle from no closer than 50 feet.

World champion free diver Natalia Molchanova has disappeared and is feared dead. Molchanova holds many world records for diving, but still never came close to going down as many times as Paris Hilton.

A study says that higher pay may boost worker productivity. To which most companies say while that might be true, nothing really motivates employees like a manager walking around carrying a bullwhip.

A study says that higher pay may boost worker productivity. To which most companies say it’s a nice theory but just too bad that no one will ever actually find out for real.

A Michigan book store is offering refunds for the latest novel by Harper Lee. To which most customers are saying they would rather have a refund for Kim Kardashian’s book “Selfish.”

Microsoft is offering a new upgrade in paid leave for new parents. To which most Microsoft employees are excited about the possibility of having kids some day but for now are just concentrating on first actually landing a date.

George W. Bush showed up for jury duty in Dallas but was not selected. He says not to worry, if he really wanted to serve he would make the usual phone call and get appointed by the Supreme Court.

George W. Bush showed up for jury duty in Dallas but was not picked for a jury. Apparently there was a problem when he was going to be sworn in and kept asking which one is the right hand?

George W. Bush showed up for jury duty in Dallas but was not picked for a jury. The biggest problem was the court clerk had too much trouble reading the form he filled out with crayons.

The SEC says it is going to start requiring companies to compare the pay ratio between workers and the CEO. Which is pretty easy to compute, just take the millions of dollars paid to the top executive and divide by the minimum wage.

A report says that college textbooks have gone up 1,041% in the past 40 years. The good news is that is only about half the increase over the same time in tuition.

A report says that college textbooks have gone up 1,041% in the past 40 years. Which means that every college student over the past four decades should be getting their money back at least when it comes to what they paid for their math books.

A survey says that more than half of 18-29 year olds say that student loans have forced them to put off major life events. Like graduating college because they had to drop out after maxing out their credit limits.

A survey says that more than half of 18-29 year olds say that student loans have forced them to put off major life events. Like getting married since it’s hard to even get a date when you are still stuck living in your parents’ basement.

Americans say that racism is a bigger problem now than it has been in the past 20 years. Mostly because back in 1995 most minorities hadn’t thought about filling out employment applications in Silicon Valley.

The federal government is considering rules that will improve landline connections. To which everyone under 30 is asking “What’s a landline?”

Canceling “19 Kids and Counting” has reportedly cost TLC $19 Million, which works out to a million dollars for each child. Or as the Catholic Church calls that, a pretty reasonable court settlement.

Economists are refuting Donald Trump’s claim that he will get jobs back from China. He says we just need to be able to compete, which he is doing by building a factory using substandard construction to make toxic products while paying workers 37 cents a day.

Economists are refuting Donald Trump’s claim that he will get jobs back from China. Mostly because this is the same person who claims to have $10 Billion but still can’t afford to go anywhere other than Supercuts.

Americans’ average spending has stayed consistent the past few months at $91 a day. Which is still a problem as they are only making an average of $47 a day.

Yelp is offering reviews of doctors alongside their restaurant ratings. Most of the complaints were about the usual long waits, cold medical instruments and of customers making the mistake of ordering the prostate exam.

A study says the benefits of weight loss surgery diminish after five years. Mostly because even a doctor skilled with a scalpel can’t keep up with the way Americans can handle a knife and fork.

A study says that stress can sabotage a diet. Which is ironic as there is nothing more stressful than trying to actually for once stay on a diet.

A study says that horses smile and pout just like humans. Which explains why John Elway played all those years for the Broncos.

The Mayor of Boston says he wants to ban chewing tobacco in the city at all sports venues. Apparently he is old school and feels the only substances that belong at the ballpark are the ones that can be injected.

The Mayor of Boston says he wants to ban chewing tobacco in the city at all sports venues. Not to say some players take it too far, but if Lenny Dykstra had played left field for the Red Sox, we might be talking about Fenway Park’s Brown Monster.

A study says the best running shoes are generally the ones that are most comfortable. Which is probably why so few marathons have been won by anyone wearing wing tips.

A study says that flying too much can make people sick, including fatigue, radiation exposure and deep vein thrombosis. And that’s just from eating meals at airport oyster bars.

A study breaking down research over the most popular natural sources for improved sex drive says that chocolate is overrated but ginseng may work. Although for most men, nothing is as good as the old standbys of alcohol, porn and Viagra.

A report says that methane gas leaks may greatly exceed earlier estimates. Or to put it into scientific terms, “He who smelt it has more than a standard deviation probability of having dealt it.”

A study says that picky eating by kids may be a sign of mental health problems. Which just shows that psychologically speaking, American children must be the healthiest in the world.

Rapper Meek Mill threatened rival Drake with a wedgie. That’s pretty rough. What’s next, saying that his girlfriend has cooties?
 

Rapper Meek Mill threatened rival Drake with a wedgie. How soft has rap gotten? Remember the days when the only licensed souvenir from an N.W.A. concert was a flesh wound?

A study says that fewer than one third of the speaking parts in the most popular films from 2007 to 2014 went to women. Which is even worse when you consider that half the dialogue in every Sylvester Stallone movie is not technically a speaking part.

Experts say that stars sleep tend to sleep with their nannies because of proximity, convenience and biology. And the fact that they are men left alone in a house with a smokin’ hot 22 year old coed.

Donald Sterling has filed for divorce from his wife Shelly after nearly 60 years of marriage. Which means her streak of being stuck with a loser for six decades still beats her husband’s run of 40 years with the Clippers.

BMW is set to build the wheelchairs for the U.S. Paralympic Team in 2026. So far the practice runs have been promising, especially the contestants who have been finishing the 1500 meter run consistently in just under 42 seconds.

That’s it for now, Oh faithful Readers! Tonight is the night we have all been waiting for, the first Republican presidential debate. The good news is that Fox limited the debate to ten contestants to give people in the audience a chance to catch their breath between belly laughs that wouldn’t be possible with all 16 of them on the stage. So if I don’t post a blog on Friday, you will know it is because there is no way I could outdo what is going to come verbatim out of the mouths of Trump, Cruz, Paul and everyone else. Let’s all watch, enjoy and of course when it is all over to make sure and remember to send the love!

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