Wednesday, August 05, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump slammed Hillary Clinton’s right hand woman Huma Abedin, saying her husband Anthony Weiner is the “worst deviant in the U.S.” Which serves Weiner right for convincing Trump to subscribe to his Twitter account.

Donald Trump slammed Hillary Clinton’s right hand woman Huma Abedin, saying her husband Anthony Weiner is the “worst deviant in the U.S.” Clinton was furious. Not Hillary, but Bill who says he there is no way an amateur like Weiner is taking his title.

A report says that 42% of students at a Georgia elementary school don’t speak English. It’s so bad that none of them have the slightest idea of when to properly use “y’all.”

“The View” asked Donald Trump who would clean his toilets if all the Latinos were gone. To which the Latinos said if that’s the only job available in the U.S. they aren’t coming across the border.

Iran is accusing the U.S. of already breaking the nuclear treaty. To which the U.S. says it was a mistake, we usually only do that when it comes to American Indians.

A report says that sex with robots will be “the norm” in 50 years. It will take that long to figure out how to glue a pair of googly eyes to a vacuum cleaner?

A report says that sex with robots will be “the norm” in 50 years. The report came out after the latest version of “The Jetsons” shows that George and Jane’s marriage was broken up by Rosie.

A 92 year old Tennessee woman has registered for the first time so she can vote for Donald Trump. Apparently she saw Trump’s picture and thought it was a reincarnation of Daniel Boone with his coonskin hat.

A survey says that two thirds of Obamacare enrollees are unsatisfied with their coverage. Which is still a third better than everyone else who is unsatisfied with their group, private or government plans.

Jeb Bush says he lost 40 pounds using the Paleo diet. Although Donald Trump could lose at least that much weight by just getting his head shaved.

Fitness experts are warning people of the pitfalls of going to exercise extremes. Meaning if you are going to exercise to the extreme, try not to fall into a pit.

Fitness experts are warning people of the pitfalls of going to exercise extremes. Which for most people means blinking their eyes too many times while they are sitting on the couch playing 18 straight hours of video games.

A study says that PE teachers are biased against obese kids. People were shocked. Schools still teach PE?

A study says that PE teachers are biased against obese kids. Which is surprising since the teachers can get caught up on so much other work by just taking up the entire class time telling them to do a pushup.

A study says that PE teachers are biased against obese kids. You would, too if you had to spend your entire break time cleaning doughnut jelly off the gym locker doors.

McDonald’s in Australia is doing away with bread and serving hamburgers wrapped in lettuce “buns.” To which most Americans are asking “What is lettuce?”

Scientists say that climate change could give San Francisco the weather of San Diego. Which means continued night and morning fog, afternoon sunshine and just add 5 degrees.

A North Dakota Bishop is telling parishes to break ties with the Boy Scouts over their policy allowing gay leaders. Apparently it’s tough enough to keep priests on board without all that extra competition.

A Boston woman is getting a prosthetic leg made with a 3D printer for her chicken. To which the people at KFC are saying “They can do that?”

A Boston woman is getting a prosthetic leg made with a 3D printer for her chicken. Which people should keep in mind next time their health insurance company tells them they aren’t covering their treatment because it is too experimental.

India has rescinded its ban of online porn because of public outrage. It’s good to see that the masses can still have an impact if they take on the government over an issue that they really believe in.

India has rescinded its ban of online porn because of public outrage. Apparently the government is backing down and will not stand in the way of men who like to look at women whose foreheads are not painted with a Bindi.

An analyst says that the bird flu outbreak could drive the price of eggs up to $6 a dozen. Just when the price of gas comes down enough that we can go to the grocery store, it’s too expensive to buy anything while we are there.

Chevy says its 2016 Volt will be able to travel 53 miles on a full charge without using any gas. That means that Volt owners will now be able to save all kinds of money on gas using just the battery to get to the dealer and back on as many as three recalls.

PayPal has hired the former CFO from United Airlines. Which means anyone making online transfers can expect it to take between 4 and 5 days along with seven additional fees for each transaction.

A report says the oil crash has caused a $1.3 Trillion wipeout. It is so bad that there will only be enough bonus money left for executives to buy one additional vacation home this year.

A study says that men who become fathers before they are 25 have a higher chance of dying early in middle age. Especially when the baby’s mother is 16 and her father finds out.

A 110 year old New Jersey woman says the secret to longevity is three beers and a shot of whiskey every day. Mostly because doing that every day kept her from drinking New Jersey water.

A 110 year old New Jersey woman says the secret to longevity is three beers and a shot of whiskey every day. That came on the recommendation of her physician, Dr. George Thorogood.

A study says that dementia may lead to weight loss. Which shows there is an upside to walking out the door to get some lunch and instead ending up walking around aimlessly for six hours.

A new watch lets blind people read real time smartphone data in Braille. The only problem is if they use the new technology to be like everyone else and start texting while they are driving.

A lawsuit could put the copyrighted song “Happy Birthday To You” in the public domain. The only bad part is that it could end royalties for the song’s writer, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

A lawsuit could put the copyrighted song “Happy Birthday To You” in the public domain. Which could pretty much end the latest legal action that claims the song was stolen, brought by the family of Marvin Gaye.

ABC chief Paul Lee says that killing off the character of McDreamy on “Grey’s Anatomy” was “great.” Although nowhere near as much fun as it was for Chuck Lorre to kill off Charlie Sheen from “Two and a Half Men.”

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards was arrested for shoplifting at Target. To which everyone else in Beverly Hills was asking “What’s Target?”

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards was arrested for shoplifting at Target. Which could lead to a crossover series called “Real Desperate Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

“Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards was arrested for shoplifting at Target. Shoplifting from Target? Sounds more like “Real Housewives of Pacoima.”

Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog have reportedly broken off their relationship. The worst part was that Miss Piggy let him know by taking Kermit to a French restaurant and ordering him.

Kim Kardashian’s book of selfies, “Selfish” has reportedly had disappointing sales. Although not as disappointing as the reaction of anyone who got the book as a gift.

Kim Kardashian’s book of selfies, “Selfish” has reportedly had disappointing sales. Why they were trying to sell a book of Kim Kardashian naked pictures is still a mystery. Isn’t that pretty much the reason the Internet was invented?

Iggy Azalea has admitted she has had a nose job, a chin implant and breast enhancements. No one had any idea that her career was so heavily influenced by Cher.

Tom Brady’s legal team says that he shouldn’t be punished for destroying his cell phone because Brett Favre was not suspended for not turning over his phone when he was being investigated for sexting. Mostly because it’s asking a lot less for investigators to look at Brady’s texts as compared to staring at Favre’s junk.

Tom Brady says he never asked anyone to deflate footballs. Apparently what he did was just ask them not to put so much air in at the beginning.

The father of Houston defensive end Jadeveon Clowney has been arrested for attempted murder. Police are still looking for his accomplices, the Insane Clowney Posse.

The White House hosted a Demo Day in order to promote diversity in the tech industry. Mostly by having President Obama on hand to let tech industry executives actually have the chance to meet a real black person.

A new Ebola vaccine is causing concern as it is reportedly related to rabies. Which could be bad news for people who have the choice of dying from Ebola or being turned into Mel Gibson.

A lawsuit may force Google to reveal its algorithm. Which is really no big deal considering that 99.7% of all its searches are pretty much looking for porn.

A lawsuit may force Google to reveal its algorithm. The formula is closely guarded as it can search the Internet to find obscure information instantly where other search engines fail. For instance, it can still actually locate material online about Justin Guarini.

AT&T users in Kentucky reported widespread outages this week. To which other AT&T users were asking how they could tell.

Taylor Swift slammed Spotify and praised Apple, saying Apple “treated me like I was a voice of a creative community that they actually cared about.” In other words, they paid her more.

A storage company is looking to use DNA as a way to store data for eternity. There is already DNA which can retrieve data immediately and keep it on file for ever. It is called “women.”

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The cut has been made for the first Republican presidential debate which will include Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Ted Cruz. Which means that before the debate is done, we could actually be at war with someone. The good news for the six candidates who were left out is that they can at least console themselves that they may have at least some trace of sanity. The only sad part about the debate is having to wait another day to see Trump, Rand Paul and Chris Christie go after each other. The only thing that would be better is if all of you would get the idea to simultaneously sit down at the keyboard and remember to send the love!

No comments: