Sunday, August 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A court has ruled that people have no right to protest on the front steps of the Supreme Court. The ruling upheld a 1949 decision that said that might make it look as if the court was being influenced by the voice of the people. Instead of the usual corporate executives and political parties.

A lemonade stand operated by Jerry Seinfeld’s kids in the Hamptons was shut down after neighbors complained there were too many cars coming by. Or in typical Seinfeld fashion, it was the police getting involved about nothing.

A lemonade stand operated by Jerry Seinfeld’s kids in the Hamptons was shut down after neighbors complained there were too many cars coming by. The money from the stand was going to charity, which brings up the question why didn’t they just write a check from their trust fund?

A Washington State woman was arrested for breast feeding her baby while driving. What was even worse is that the infant was texting.

A year long NASA isolation experiment with six people simulating life on Mars has started in Hawaii. The idea is if they can stay indoors for a full year while living in Hawaii, they can live being cooped up anywhere.

A year long NASA isolation experiment with six people simulating life on Mars has started in Hawaii. Although if they really wanted to see if people could live with no other humans around, they should send them to an Adam Sandler film festival.

Climate scientists say that 2015 will be the hottest year on record “by a mile.” Mostly inside a room of Republican election strategists when someone mentions the name Donald Trump.

Uber has hired hackers to work on defense systems for self-driving cars. The team was easy to assemble as most people who do nothing all day but hack into other people’s computers are pretty much otherwise known as Uber drivers.

A report says that investors in extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison wanted out before the site was hacked. Company stock is falling so fast, the only way investors could have lost more money is if their wives had found out they were also members.

Myanmar has set a daily minimum wage of $2.80 to boost investment in the country. For that kind of wage, Myanmar could become the new world center for fast food, convenience stores and Nike factories.

The CEO of Ashley Madison was let go in the wake of the massive hack of their membership list. He knew he was on shaky ground when the board told him he needed to get his affairs in order.

A survey says one third of Americans have had an unexpected medical bill in the past two years where their health plan paid less than expected. The only question is how can an insurance company actually pay less than zero?

A poll says that 37% of Americans see the banking industry in a positive way. Mostly the people who are no longer frustrated by financial institutions now that they don’t have any money after their banker talked them in to taking out a subprime mortgage loan.

A poll says that 37% of Americans see the banking industry in a positive way. The other 63% are still mad and don’t see their subprime loan as water under the bridge at least as long as their home is still underwater.

The FDA is considering changing food labels to more accurately reflect actual serving sizes. For instance, the actual serving size for most people with a gallon of Haagen Dazs ice cream is pretty much a gallon of Haagen Dazs ice cream.

The FDA is considering changing food labels to more accurately reflect actual serving sizes, although critics say it could encourage people to overeat. Although how much encouragement does it take to get people to overeat in the country that invented 24 hour fast food, pizza delivery and the microwave oven?

A lawsuit claims that Nestle used slave-caught fish in its Fancy Feast cat food. Although even the slaves say they aren’t subjected to as much servitude and submissiveness as the average cat owner.

A study says that even short bouts of physical activity may benefit children. The study will be completed just as soon as they can find any children who will actually do any short bouts of physical activity.

A study says that even short bouts of physical activity may benefit children. Other than jumping off the couch to run to the refrigerator to refresh their snack tray during commercials.

A study says that women who experience high blood pressure during pregnancy may see it return later in life. Mostly right around the time their child becomes a teenager.

A set of six month old twins in California born with severe hearing loss received hearing aids that allowed them to hear their parents for the first time. Which means they will be trying to learn how to shut it off right around the time they turn 2.

The CDC says that meth lab injuries are on the increase. To which most people are saying “and the problem is?”

The CDC says that meth lab injuries are on the increase. Which might have to do with the fact that they are working while they are high on meth.

Rand Paul says he will continue performing eye surgery if he is elected President. Hopefully on himself to help fix most of his myopic policies.

Rand Paul says he will continue performing eye surgery if he is elected President. Which is pretty much his entire plan to overhaul the nation’s health care system, which will now be known as “Randcare.”

A study says that goth teenagers are at a higher risk of depression. Although why would anyone wearing black clothes, hair and makeup who sleeps all day and stays up all night listening to death rock make anyone associate them with being depressed?

A study says that goth teenagers are at a higher risk of depression. Mostly because they are at those awkward goth teen years, as opposed to goth adolescents, goth adults and goth seniors.

Researchers say that out of 100 psychological studies, more than half didn’t hold up when retested. Which is good news for the original authors who immediately put in for more grant money to do their research again and see what went wrong the first time.

Researchers say that out of 100 psychological studies, more than half didn’t hold up when retested. Which is no big deal as the original authors are just putting in for more money to disprove the study of their studies.

87 year old Vin Scully has been signed for his 67th year of calling baseball for the Los Angeles Dodgers. His new contract calls for him to cut back a bit and be like most L.A. fans, arriving in the 3rd inning and leaving after the 6th.

Betty White has been signed to make some appearances on the TV show “Bones. At 93 years old, it was pretty much a matter of typecasting.

Donald Trump’s poll numbers continue to rise, in part because of his promise to do something about ISIS. In fact, to show how serious he is about showing the terrorists we mean business he has announced his pick for Secretary of Defense will be Omarosa.

Serena Williams, addressing criticism of her body type says she looks like a “normal athlete.” It’s just a coincidence that she changes from her street clothes into her tennis outfits in a phone booth.

Tom Brady threaded the needle for his first touchdown pass of the preseason. Which is the first time since last year’s playoffs that “Tom Brady” and “needle” were used to describe something other than football air pressure levels.

Mark Zuckerberg received 10,000 responses as to how Facebook allowed people to find someone or stay connected during a tragedy. Although millions of others say their biggest tragedy was when their wife found out who they were messaging on Facebook.

Windows 10 has reportedly had 75 Million activations. To which Microsoft is saying that it looks like the 10th time may be the charm.

A bill in North Dakota would allow police to equip drones with non-lethal weapons. That means police could use drones to capture suspects with tasers, tear gas and dropped packages from Amazon.

A new app called Urbanstems allows flower deliveries in as little as one hour. So far the app has been downloaded by millions of men, mostly the ones who have been exposed as having a membership on Ashley Madison.

Apple has rewarded CEO Tim Cook with stock worth $58 Million. Although it was more than a little awkward when he asked if he could trade it in for shares of Facebook.

Former Moon walker Buzz Aldrin is working with the Florida Institute of Technology to develop a master plan to colonize Mars within 25 years. The 85 year old astronaut is working on providing oxygen, water, and several franchises of Golden Corral.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that China’s leaders “should be taken to the woodshed.” Which is a real threat these days considering any woodsheds made in China are put together with flimsy particleboard, asbestos lining and lead paint.

Donald Trump says an event he hosted for $100 a plate was not a fundraiser. He just did it because he has found a way to turn even running for President into a money making deal.

President Obama says he wants a pay raise for all federal workers and members of the military next year. To which Congress is saying any raises should be reserved for the people who keep the nation running by writing the laws and seeing to it they get passed. The lobbyists.

President Obama says he wants a pay raise for all federal workers and members of the military next year. To which Congress says they don’t understand why Obama wants a raise for the military when during two terms he hasn’t been able to start even one war.

President Obama has appointed the nation’s first hostage envoy. Which has Congress worried that he really is going to mean business the next time he sits down with them for  any legislative negotiations.

Defense Secretary Ash Carter says he has been “extremely careful” with his e-mails. Mostly to prevent compromising military secrets, protect national security strategies and especially to avoid being caught like the other 15,000 government workers who used their work e-mail addresses with Ashley Madison.

Hillary Clinton is calling for “party unity” in the wake of a possible run for President by Joe Biden. To which Democratic Party leaders are saying “That’s a great idea. What’s party unity?”

Hillary Clinton is calling for “party unity” in the wake of a possible run for President by Joe Biden. Hillary has had great luck over the years when it comes to uniting the party. Unfortunately for her, it has been with uniting the Republicans against Hillary.


President Obama will visit Alaska where he will rename Mt. McKinley. It's the worst thing to happen to President McKinley other than having to spend his last minutes on Earth in Buffalo.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Glad to see the best sports announcer in history, Vin Scully has signed on with the Dodgers again. Not only is he the best announcer of all time, but he is also a class act all the way. I wrote him a letter once about a funny experience I had at a Dodger game. I forgot about it and figured he would just toss is into the round file when a few weeks later I got an envelope with the return address of Dodger Stadium. I opened it to find it coming from the desk of Vin Scully, hand written and signed by the man himself. I still have it and it reminds me that there are still some people who don’t let their fame and good fortune get in the way of who they are. He is classy even when he finds the rare occasion to deliver a sideways compliment, like he did with the Giants in the 1989 World Series. He was commenting on the nice weather, saying how beautiful it was in San Francisco in October. He then went on to say how unfortunate it is that the Giants are rarely playing that time of year. Zing! Gotta love the man, and all of us who have had the chance to listen to him over the years always will. It will be a great 67th year behind the mic for the Dodgers, hopefully as defending World Series Champs and hopefully with many more years calling the plays after that. Today I am the one sending out the love to the great Vin Scully!

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