Friday, August 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists say drinking a pint of water before meals is the best way to lose weight. As long as the meal is low in fat and calories and is followed by a three mile run.

A study says there are 280 Million “mobile addicts” who use their phone apps more than 60 times a day. Researchers say they are conducting their lives on mobile. The question for people using apps 60 times a day is “what’s a life?”

A Florida man was arrested for attacking his mother with potato salad. He says the reason was that living with her was no picnic.

A report says that nearly all the women’s profiles on extramarital affair website Ashley Madison were fake. To which the men members who were exposed by hackers can consider it like an episode of “Seinfeld,” where their divorce is about nothing.

A report says that nearly all the women’s profiles on extramarital affair website Ashley Madison were fake. Which means the only real people associated with the website who are actually willing to screw them are their wives’ divorce lawyers.

Donald Trump called a woman in his audience to pull his hair and prove he doesn’t wear a toupee. Which is good news because who would vote for a man for President who has billions of dollars and buys a rug that looks like that?

Donald Trump called a woman in his audience to pull his hair and prove he doesn’t wear a toupee. As opposed to when he is asked to talk about his policies as President and he calls someone from the audience to pull his finger.

Donald Trump called a woman in his audience to pull his hair and prove he doesn’t wear a toupee. The only bad news is that after touching whatever it is on top of his head, the woman had to be tested for rabies.

The FDA is calling on tobacco companies to stop calling cigarettes “natural” and “additive free.” Mostly because cigarettes will eventually cause the people smoking them to have the additives for their chemotherapy followed by embalming fluid.

Mandatory water saving measures have reportedly resulted in a significant drop in water use in California over the past two months. What needs to happen now is to put those same measures in effect with Congress over how they spend our money.

Food shortages in Venezuela have triggered long lines, fights and looting at stores. Or as that is called in the U.S., “Black Friday.”

The FTC has shut down production of Vemma natural energy drinks, calling the operation a “pyramid scheme.” Although a company spokesman says since they only use natural ingredients, they prefer to call it a food pyramid scheme.

The FAA has approved use of a drone paper airplane. Although the idea is so impractical the company is expected to fold.

Donald Trump says the Bible means a lot to him but he won’t get specific about his favorite verses. Although he does like to say that anyone who doesn’t vote for him is guilty of worshipping false idols.

A drop in world copper demand is cutting jobs in the U.S. Mostly the people who work in the fast food business and convenience stores where the scarcity in copper means their bosses don’t have enough pennies when it’s time for pay day.

Donald Trump says he will raise taxes on the wealthy and lower them for the middle class. To which most Americans are thinking that would be great as long as they could find a way to double their salary and actually become part of the middle class again.

McDonald’s has severed ties with a poultry supplier because of reports of cruel and inhumane treatment. What do they think those chickens are, fast food workers?

McDonald’s has severed ties with a poultry supplier because of reports of cruel and inhumane treatment. How cruel and inhumane can anything be when you realize your lot in life is to end up on a plate of McNuggets?

A judge’s ruling has prevented bondholders in Caesars Entertainment from action that could have sent the company into bankruptcy over its casino debt. Apparently the court ruled that the casinos are bound to render to Caesars what is Caesars.

Consumer Reports says the Tesla P85D is the best performing car they have ever tested. Mostly because it is the first American made car in the past 20 years that they have actually gotten all the way through testing before it was recalled.

Wal-Mart is starting its Christmas layaway plan early this year, letting people start paying installments on gifts before Labor Day arrives. What’s worse is that the plan is for people who are trying to pay off the presents they are buying for Christmas, 2024.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans view the Internet in a positive way. The other 4 have wives who found out they had an account with Ashley Madison.

A study says that surgeons who wake up in the middle of the night to perform an operation have the same success rate as those who get a full night’s sleep. At least as long as they don’t dream they are sawing logs when they are actually sawing someone’s leg.

A study says that the global life span has been increasing, but so do the number of years people are living with pain and disability. Which is like winning an all you can eat buffet for life, only to find out it can only be redeemed at Taco Bell.

A study says that among young blacks, higher student debt is tied to getting less sleep. Mostly because of the 12 minimum wage jobs they need to stay awake for to try to pay off their degree.

Statistics indicate that school lunches are becoming healthier. Students are losing weight mostly because they are eating less because they take all the fruits and vegetables they are being served and toss them in the trash.

Dr. Ben Carson gave a talk where he suggested doing away with the Department of Veteran Affairs. Mostly because with 15,000 government e-mail addresses found on Ashley Madison, it’s pretty obvious which kind of affairs federal workers are interested in.

A study says the oldest sister in a family is at the greatest risk of obesity. Mostly because they are bigger than their siblings making it easier to steal everyone else’s dessert.

A study says that when couples giggle together it is an indication their relationship will last. Except when the giggling only happens when the man takes off his pants.

A study picks the peak months for college students’ first drug use. Which is mostly for antidepressants after the student gets their first bill for their tuition loans.

A study picks the peak months for college students’ first drug use. Which is usually about a week after the beginning of whatever month that classes at their particular college start.

Bread is being recalled in seven states because it could contain glass. Which brings a whole new meaning to the term “sliced bread.”

The first child to be the recipient of a double hand transplant has been released from his hospital in Pennsylvania. The child and the rest of his family will now use their hands to put together and pray that their insurance company will pay their medical bills.

Donald Trump says he is considering signing a pledge to support the Republican nominee in order to get on some states’ primary ballots. Mostly because now that he is officially a politician no one will care if he lies and goes back on his word.

Major League Baseball has won a collusion case against Barry Bonds where the slugger says the league conspired with teams to keep him out of baseball. At least he still has the chance to sue the doctors who conspired to give him those all steroids that turned him into a home run machine without his consent.

Major League Baseball has won a collusion case against Barry Bonds where the slugger says the league conspired with teams to keep him out of baseball. Even Pete Rose is telling Bonds to take some responsibility for his own mistakes.

Major League Baseball has won a collusion case against Barry Bonds where the slugger says the league conspired with teams to keep him out of baseball. At least he can still pursue his claims of conspiracy against him by his fans, sponsors and the Hall of Fame.

A sports statistician’s Prediction Machine has picked the Packers over the Colts in Super Bowl 50. Not only that, but it is going out on a limb to say the Super Bowl TV commercials will be full of half-naked women, trucks and puppies.

A sports statistician’s Prediction Machine has picked the Packers over the Colts in Super Bowl 50. Which means that hissing sound you hear is the air being taken out of Tom Brady’s hope for a repeat win.

A sports statistician’s Prediction Machine has picked the Packers over the Colts in Super Bowl 50. And that the Raiders will pretty much again be eliminated right around week number three.

For the first time ever, 1 Billion people used Facebook on a single day. Which shows that world hunger is worse than thought because it means the other 6 Billion people on the planet had no breakfast to post pictures of online.

For the first time ever, 1 out of every 7 people on the planet used Facebook on the same day. The other 6 actually had real friends off the Internet they could talk to and hang out with.

Online room rental site Airbnb has appointed a former aide to Bill Clinton as their head of global policy. And who better than someone who has worked for Bill Clinton to know how to get people into a strange bed every night?

American astronauts on the International Space Station are getting by on drinking recycled pee from Russian cosmonauts. Which is no big deal other than having to always have breath smelling of vodka and borscht.

Donald Trump was slammed by Ricky Martin in an op-ed on Univision, saying that a political hopeful should not be allowed to plant his campaign in insult and humiliation. Apparently Martin has never listened to any of Trump’s speeches, heard of Rosie O’Donnell or seen any episodes of “The Apprentice.”

Univision’s Jorge Ramos says that reporters need to get tougher on Donald Trump. Although any reporters who want to take on Trump know the best way to see him disappear from the polls is to just let him keep talking.

A debt ridden graduate of the University of Miami Law School is trying to sell his degree on Craigslist for $210,000. The sad part is that the piece of paper is actually worth about the same as one for $210,000 in stock for Pets.com.
 

A debt ridden graduate of the University of Miami Law School is trying to sell his degree on Craigslist for $210,000. That was for the full cost of the degree, which was $90,000 for the degree and his $120,000 South Beach bar tab.

This weekend marks the tenth anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. Coincidentally, it also marks the ninth anniversary of FEMA making it into New Orleans.
 
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Once again, Donald Trump makes up for a mostly slow news day. You can always count on Trump to not only give the set up but also the punch lines. Just imagine the material for jokes if he is elected President. not just from his statements, but the inevitable collapse of the economy, foreign relations and civilization in general. Won’t that be great? At least if he is elected we still have until January 20, 2017 to find a way off the planet. In the meantime, make the best of the time we have left to make sure and remember to send the love!

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