Thursday, August 27, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says that 82% of Americans say that having cellphones hurts conversations in social gatherings. The other 18% were looking at their cellphones asking “what’s a conversation?”

Washington, D.C. has been rated as having the worst traffic in the nation, with the average commuter being stuck in traffic 82 hours a year. Which shows that Congress isn’t the only place in town that can’t get anywhere because of gridlock.

Washington, D.C. has been rated as having the worst traffic in the nation, with the average commuter being stuck in traffic 82 hours a year. Which is a coincidence as 82 hours is exactly the same amount of time Congress is actually in session each year.

Charles Koch blasted President Obama, saying criticism of he and his brother are “beneath the dignity of the President.” Who does Obama think he is, Donald Trump?

HBO has been rated as one of the least diverse networks. Not to say their shows are lacking minority directors and writers, but apparently HBO stands for “Hiring Blacks is Outlawed.”

The CBO says that growth of the federal debt is not sustainable. Apparently they feel that once you get up to $18 Trillion in the red you really need to start acting more responsibly with your money.

Amazon is offering one hour delivery of liquor and beer to customers in Seattle. Mostly the people who need a drink to calm their remorse over all the junk they have bought through Amazon.

Stephen Hawking says black holes could be a passage way into another universe. He came up with his idea by using Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, research on subatomic particles and watching reruns of “Futurama.”

Bernie Sanders says Post Office decisions to close mail sorting plants and slow delivery  times to cut costs have “caused a disaster.” The only question when it comes to the Post Office slowing their delivery is how could anyone even tell?

Ford says it is considering bringing back the Ford Bronco. Apparently they are appealing to Millennials who prefer its smaller size, fuel economy and are too young to remember who O.J. Simpson is.

Colorado theater shooter James Holmes has been sentenced to 12 life sentences along with another 3,318 years in prison. Although if he serves with good behavior he could actually be eligible for parole by as early as the year 4819.

The last Sumatran rhino in the U.S. is being moved to Indonesia to mate with a female there. Apparently he is being forced to move because he was kicked out by his wife here after meeting the Indonesian rhino on Ashley Madison.

A study says the NFL players’ arrest rate is lower than that of 20-39 year old men in the general population. Although shouldn’t the arrest rate of highly paid athletes in visible position like playing for the NFL be around zero?

A study says the NFL players’ arrest rate is lower than that of 20-39 year old men in the general population. Mostly because the other 20-39 year old men can’t get out of being arrested by telling the police they play in the NFL.

A study says the NFL players’ arrest rate is lower than that of 20-39 year old men in the general population. Mostly because the NFL players have an alibi while everyone else is getting arrested for getting drunk and starting fights on NFL Sundays.

Burger King is inviting McDonald’s to collaborate on a hamburger called the “McWhopper.” It would be offered with a meal option that would come with fries, a drink and access to a defibrillator.

Burger King is inviting McDonald’s to collaborate on a hamburger called the “McWhopper.” But why stop there? Why not appeal to every American’s preferences and make a McWhopperbaconatorthickburgerLittleCaesar’spretzelcrust?

Starkist has settled a lawsuit claiming their tuna cans were too light. The worst part was when the judge handed down his decision by telling the company’s legal team “Sorry, Charlie.”

Starkist has settled a lawsuit claiming some tuna cans contained just more than half the amount on the label. The good news is that the company will take advantage of the findings with their new slogan “Only half the mercury!”

RadioShack has reached a tentative settlement over money still owed people who have their gift cards. The embarrassing part is for people to admit their family or friends only rated them good enough to give them a gift card to RadioShack.

Tinder says the hottest men college students on their ratings come from Georgetown and the hottest women from Florida State. The ratings were compiled based on interest from all the older people checking them out from their accounts over at Ashley Madison.

A Target store in Chicago will start selling alcohol and also serve alcoholic drinks on the site. Is that a good idea to allow people to get drunk in a store where they allow open carry of weapons and have their bullseye logo plastered everywhere?

Donald Trump says he will not eat Oreo cookies anymore since their manufacturing sites have been moved out of the country. Let’s hope that he doesn’t take the same stance about clothing and starts making all his appearances in the nude.

A survey says that 83% of Americans are forced to take their Social Security benefits before full retirement age. Mostly because that is the number of people who find they are pretty much out of luck with trying to find any work after they turn 45.

A survey says that 83% of Americans are forced to take their Social Security benefits before full retirement age. The other 17% are waiting until they can actually afford to retire which should be sometime after they make it to 93.

A Wisconsin woman’s vigorous flossing resulted in her developing a knee infection. You know you are flossing a bit too hard when the string actually cuts through your jaw and slices into your leg.

A Wisconsin woman’s vigorous flossing resulted in her developing a knee infection. She is also seeking medical attention for the herpes she caught from a toilet seat.

An amputee group is fighting a Medicare proposal to limit coverage of prosthetics. What’s worse is their legal team is telling them they don’t have a leg to stand on.

A study says that a woman’s sexuality partially depends on her romantic options. Which makes it hard to believe there are any straight women left with the choices of men they can date.

The CDC says 1 in 5 American children and teens are obese. The other 4 say they are trying, but they just need a minute to stop eating so they can catch their breath.

The CDC says 1 in 5 American children and teens are obese. The other 4 say they want to be more responsible and hold off being dangerously overweight until they are adults.

Cancer sniffing dogs are reportedly going to be used to help British doctors. The worst part will be walking into a doctor’s office for a prostate exam and being greeted at the door by a pit bull.

A TV show based on extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison is reportedly in the works. Don’t we already have that? They’re called soap operas.

A TV show based on extramarital affairs website Ashley Madison is reportedly in the works. Apparently it is being described as Jerry Springer without the chair throwing.

Josh Duggar has reportedly entered rehab. No one even knew there was a facility that had a program to cure someone from being a douche bag.

Justin Theroux says married life “feels different.” No kidding it feels different from everyone else when you get to wake up every morning next to Jennifer Aniston.

Snooki says that reports are false that her husband had an account on Ashley Madison. Also, he stays out late on Friday nights because he has to work, has two cell phones because of business and all those women he messages on Facebook are just friends.

Snooki says that reports are false that her husband had an account on Ashley Madison. Anyone marrying a cast member from “Jersey Shore” would be much more likely to be over on Meet-an-inmate.

Taylor Swift reportedly mouthed “I love you” to her boyfriend Calvin Harris onstage. Apparently this time she knows it is real as their relationship has lasted more than two dates without her writing a song about him.

Taylor Swift reportedly mouthed “I love you” to her boyfriend Calvin Harris onstage. Her album is doing so well that she is planning on keeping him around as she won’t need any new song material for another few weeks.

Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson says the special water he endorses prevented him from getting a concussion during the playoff game against the Packers last year. Although at least a concussion would have given him an excuse for the pass he threw on the last play of the Super Bowl.

The Philadelphia Phillies say they are going to expand protective netting around their ballpark. Although any Phillies fans who are truly worried about being hit by a ball can always guarantee safety with a seat in the outfield bleachers.

MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred says his decision on reinstating Pete Rose will be made before the end of the year. Apparently fans figure if he gets a job on TV as an analyst it will keep him off any more appearances on QVC.

A report says that 75 Million users downloaded a free version of Windows 10 in the first month. Mostly just for the additional security features that will prevent anyone from hacking their account with Ashley Madison.

A police hotline for phone leads into the Ashley Madison hacking case in Toronto has reportedly been ringing continuously. Mostly from women calling to see if it is justifiable homicide to shoot their husband for having an account.

A report says the two most common passwords for Ashley Madison accounts were “123456” and “password.” Which means those men can at take comfort in knowing anyone that dumb was going to be caught by their wives at some point anyways.

The CEO of Univision says Donald Trump’s behavior towards one of their reporters was “beneath contempt.” The good news is that is the nicest thing anyone in the media said about Trump all week.

Joe Biden is reportedly deciding whether his heart is in for a run at the White House. Once he figures out that body part he will spend the rest of his time working on trying to keep his foot out of his mouth.

Donald Trump says he doesn’t want an endorsement from former KKK leader David Duke. Mostly because he doesn’t need it since the KKK is pretty much his voting base.

The Iran hostages may finally get compensation for their ordeal 35 years ago. Not only that, but the proposed treaty with Iran contains a clause that says they will also finally be untied and have their gags removed.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad note in the world of broadcasting and for yours, truly. Yesterday’s tragic shooting deaths of the reporter and photographer in Roanoke, Virgina was a shock to the industry. Two young people just starting out their careers gunned down by a disgruntled former employee is just such a terrible waste no matter how you look at it. It really hit home when I realized the young woman reporter Alison Parker and her boyfriend who is a news anchor at the same station were sitting at the same table as me at the Associated Press Awards banquet in Charlottesville, VA earlier this year. I had a conversation with them and they seemed very nice. Just a young couple who had their whole careers and lives ahead of them until yesterday when it all came crashing down. Nothing more to say about it, just another unexplainable tragedy. So instead of sending the love this way, I would like you all to take a few minutes to remember those people in your own way and keep their families, friends and coworkers in your thoughts.

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