Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Roger Ailes says that Donald Trump owes Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly an apology. To which Trump says she will just have to wait her turn in a very long line.

Roger Ailes says that Donald Trump owes Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly an apology. To which Trump says he would apologize to Kelly and everyone else he offended but the problem is there are only 24 hours in a day.

A school in Massachusetts is being sued by a family who says Wi-Fi there made their son sick. As opposed to all the other students that use Wi-Fi for all their electronic devices that just make them dumb.

A report says that falling oil prices are raising fears of political unrest. Except in the Middle East where for the first time in 15 years no one has a reason to try to invade.

A report says that falling oil prices are raising fears of political unrest. Especially among oil company executives who can only afford to buy one additional vacation home this year.

A report says that survivalists or “preppers” are preparing to be the last ones standing if the Internet goes down which they fear will cause the planet to come to a standstill. Which means they are picturing a scenario where everyone is on AOL.

A report says that survivalists or “preppers” are preparing to be the last ones standing if the Internet goes down which they fear will cause the planet to come to a standstill. Although world order will still be possible if the Internet shuts down but just as long as all the Starbucks are able to stay open.

Refugees are racing to get into Hungary before a border fence can be completed. To which Republicans in the U.S. are saying if Hungary will take Donald Trump it will solve the immigration problems for both of them.

Joe Biden held a conference call with hundreds of Democratic Party leaders about the Iran nuclear deal. Although the best way to get the deal passed would be to make Iran’s leaders have to listen to Biden on the phone for a few hours.

The world’s oldest wombat has joined dating app Tinder. The news shocked many people. Isn’t she already married to Prince Charles?

Brazil’s Azul Airlines is offering all you can fly monthly passes for Americans. To which Mark Sanford is saying if they had that back in 2009 he would still be Governor of South Carolina.

Brazil’s Azul Airlines is offering all you can fly monthly passes for Americans. United Airlines already has a similar deal. Buy a round trip ticket and you might be back where you started within a month.

A survey says that Americans see job prospects as the best since 2007. No one had any idea there were that many 7-Eleven stores getting ready to open this year.

A survey says that Americans see job prospects as the best since 2007. That’s good news for the people who have seen employment prospects stay the same as 2007 which is the last time they had a job.

Extramarital affairs site Ashley Madison is being sued by clients after their membership status was hacked and made public. The plaintiffs are suing to let the website know what it feels like to be suddenly looking at losing half of everything you own.

Uber is working with the University of Arizona for help with mapping and programming driverless cars. To which everyone in Arizona says they don’t care where the car they are in is going as long as the A/C is working.

A report says that 26% of employers could face the Obamacare “Cadillac Tax” on the most generous health insurance plans. Which is not to be confused with the people who can’t afford health insurance because they are living in the back seat of a 1964 Cadillac.

A report says that 26% of employers could face the Obamacare “Cadillac Tax” on the most generous health insurance plans. Or as most people refer to unaffordable and costly health care plans, “health insurance.”

A man who worked for the company that owns Church’s Chicken lost a lawsuit claiming the company stole his recipe for a chicken sandwich. The company was able to convince the court they already had a similar recipe which pretty much called for putting some chicken between two slices of bread.

Joy Behar is returning as cohost to “The View.” She left the show back in 2013 but apparently has rested her lungs enough to be able to try again to shout her opinions over the other cohosts.

Israel has downgraded Heinz ketchup, labeling it instead as “tomato seasoning.” To which upset executives at Heinz replied saying “That isn’t Kosher!”

A dental insurer is offering a plan based on an Internet connected toothbrush. The bad part is if it works, how health insurance companies are going to start covering prostate exams.

A dental insurer is offering a plan based on an Internet connected toothbrush. The plan will be offered in Alabama just as soon as the state actually gets connected to the Internet. And the people get some teeth.

A report says that 20% of new car owners don’t use half the available technology. Mostly because before they can get around to trying it they crash the car using the technology that allows them to text while driving.

The FDA says the vegan mayonnaise product called “Just Mayo” can’t use that name because it has no eggs. Which has Taco Bell worried that it may not be able to call anything on its menu Mexican “food.”

The FDA says the vegan mayonnaise product called “Just Mayo” can’t use that name because it has no eggs. Which has fast food restaurants worried that they will have to drop the term “hamburger” because they don’t contain any ham.

Geico will pay $6 Million to settle rate discrimination charges in California that targeted women, people in low paying and non-professional jobs. It’s hard to believe a company would discriminate like that in this day and age. What are they, a bunch of cavemen?

A judge approved a settlement where Exxon will pay New Jersey $225 Million over a pollution lawsuit. New Jersey was asking for $8.9 Billion but Exxon was able to convince the court that was how the state already looked when they got there.

A judge approved a settlement where Exxon will pay New Jersey $225 Million over a pollution lawsuit. And that was just to compensate people who wandered into an Exxon gas station restroom.

A report says the first driverless vehicle to actually be on the road will be a truck in Florida. It will be easy to spot as it will be the only truck on the highways that will not be equipped with a gun rack in the back window.

A poll says Americans’ view of oil companies is improving. Or as psychologists are calling it, proof that there is such a thing as the Stockholm syndrome.

A poll says Americans’ view of oil companies is improving. Which will last at least as long as they aren’t being extorted at the pump for $4 a gallon gasoline.

A study says that many young adults see hookahs and e-cigs as being safer than regular cigarettes. Which is pretty much like saying that being hit with a daisy cutter or bunker buster is much preferable than being blown up by an atomic bomb.

A report says that U.S. kids outweigh those in Canada. The reason is that while Canadian children keep their teeth busy chattering from the cold, while American kids are using theirs to buzz-saw through an entire pack of Oreos.

A report says that U.S. kids outweigh those in Canada. While our kids can’t compete in the classroom, we still outclass the rest of the world when it comes to the cafeteria.

A study says that exercising and taking fish oil supplements may not help keep the elderly sharper. Mostly because once people get past 80, the last thing they want to do is remember to take fish oil or do some exercising.

A study says that school lunch fruits and vegetables often end up being tossed in the trash. Mostly because students have no idea that there are other uses for bananas besides splits, apples other than pie or carrots outside of cake.

A study says that skipping high blood pressure pills may raise the risk of heart failure. Although not as much as when the patients get their pharmacy bill for their prescription for the pills.

New technology developed by British scientists could make for pain free tooth repair. Although any dental technology advanced in England should be taken with the same caution as any personal hygiene breakthroughs pioneered in France.

Researchers say that the number of dementia cases could double worldwide in the next 20 years. The good news is that it could lead to the formation of a completely new country to deal with the problem, “Alzheimestan.”

Scientists say that the number of dementia cases could double worldwide in the next 20 years. Researchers say it was either that or maybe even triple, they can never seem to remember which one it is.

A study says that steroid shots are no better for back pain than placebos. In fact, the only people who seem to be helped with steroid shots are those trying to work up to a 40 home run season.

McDonald’s says it will open its first restaurant in Siberia. Although the people in that region of the world know that while they are looking forward to trying McDonald’s burgers, no one is better at grilling than the KGB.

Bruce Springsteen’s album “Born To Run” is turning 40 years old. Not to say Springsteen is getting a little older, but his next album has a working title of “Born To Take A Brisk Power Walk Through The Mall.”

Celine Dion says her husband wants to die in her arms. Mostly because if her arms are tied down and not thrashing around, it makes it almost impossible for her to sing that “Titanic” song.

A study says the NFL has no crime problem. Apparently the study was done by the same group Coca-Cola paid to do studies saying that soft drinks don’t make people fat.

A study says the NFL has no crime problem. The players just have a problem in being constantly arrested for the crimes they are committing.

A study says the NFL has no crime problem. Commit a crime, get suspended for two games. No problem!

A survey says that most Millennials expect loss or theft of their personal data online. Which they don’t care about since the only thing most of them have to their name are their college tuition loans.

Stephen Hawking says there could be a way out of a black hole. Or at least there is a better chance than getting out of a contract with a cable or cellphone company.

Uber is starting lunch delivery service in Washington, D.C. If it works it could open the door for a whole new venture shuttling back and forth between K Street and Capitol Hill delivering all the money from the lobbyists to the congressmen they are bribing.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Donald Trump is in trouble with Fox News for bashing Megyn Kelly. Which is just good to see that he can also be just as obnoxious to people who were born in America. To be fair, Trump should apologize to her, at least if she is willing to apologize for calling herself a “journalist.” All I know is that I am not apologizing to anyone. You read this blog at your own risk. I expect no apologies either, just an occasional expectation of you all taking time to remember to send the love!

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