Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Dow Jones started off the work week by losing more than 1,000 points which was dubbed “Black Monday.” The good news is that it was the first time people on Wall Street paid attention to something in the news that started with the word “Black.”

The stock market drop has cost American households $1.8 Trillion in wealth. Or as Congress calls burning up nearly $2 Trillion, a pretty good year.

The stock market drop has cost American households $1.8 Trillion in wealth on paper. Which is the problem in America, in that most people have their wealth on paper but when it comes to being broke they know for real.

A survey says economists have a dimmer outlook on the economy, wages and hiring. Although not as dim as the economists when it comes to their ability to predict what is happening with the world’s financial situation.

A survey says economists have a dimmer outlook on the economy, wages and hiring. The good news is that at least we are now in a position where things could actually get worse.

The White House says its best decision was picking Joe Biden for Vice President. Mostly because he makes President Obama look so much smarter by comparison.

The White House says its best decision was picking Joe Biden for Vice President. Mostly because he was the only candidate who was willing to take the job for less than $15 an hour.

A report says that many comedians are dumping gigs on college campuses, saying their audiences have become too critical. But then it’s tough to keep a sense of humor when you realize the degree you will be paying off the next 30 years will be lucky to get you a job at the local 7-Eleven.

A 920 pound alligator was pulled from a lake in Alabama. The only place you will ever find a larger gator is in the all you can eat section at home football games for the University of Florida.

An airport in London is spiking its food with “happy hormones” to enhance passengers’ moods. Although they could make everyone a lot happier if they would instead just put it into the snacks for the TSA agents.

An airport in London is spiking its food with “happy hormones” to enhance passengers’ moods. Although they would get the same effect if they just gave away a six pack of beer with every sandwich.

Police are investigating charges that Mel Gibson assaulted a female photographer in Australia. Gibson claims the tirade came as a result that he was still in character. As Mel Gibson.

A report says that salad is overrated for people’s diets as well as for the environment. Which is just more bad news for the three people who are still actually vegetarians.

A right to die group in Minnesota was fined $30,000 for assisting in a suicide. They were just lucky that since they believe in the right to die that the judge didn’t give them the death penalty.

A 100 year old woman from Argentina has just become a U.S. citizen. Which means the Republicans have actually come up with a path to citizenship, which is becoming naturalized out of fear that Donald Trump will be elected and send them all packing.

South Korea has reportedly agreed to stop broadcasting propaganda as North Korea has expressed regret over a border skirmish. Although diplomats are more interested in when North Korea is going to apologize for Kim Jong-un’s haircut.

Kenya has been ordered to give teachers a 50% pay raise. The teachers had asked for more money saying they must be good as they educated someone who made it all the way to becoming President of the U.S.

The U.S. is reportedly reviewing war plans to help South Korea in case they are attacked by North Korea. It’s bad enough we can’t get out of the wars we are in, but now we are looking at going back into old wars we already got out of.

President Obama is planning to fly to New Orleans on Thursday to commemorate the 10th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. In the tradition of George W. Bush, Air Force One will make several flyovers back and forth throughout the week before actually coming in for a landing.

Starbucks' CEO is telling baristas that the stock market drop may cause high stress levels in customers. In other words, the company is not responsible for what happens to baristas if they serve the wrong person a double shot espresso macchiato.

The price of oil has dropped under $39 a barrel for the first time since 2009. While the people in the Middle East are lamenting the loss of revenue, at least they are glad that the rest of the world at least for now doesn’t have an incentive to invade.

Chipotle says it will be hiring 4,000 people in one day next month. The jobs will reportedly be entry level positions. Remember when the economy was strong enough that all jobs at fast food restaurants were automatically assumed to be entry level?

A report says that $2 a gallon gasoline could be coming soon. There has been a real trend towards nostalgia recently with low gas prices reminiscent of the 1970s, the Korean conflict reminding us of the 1950s and the stock market taking us back to 1929.

Consumer Reports says E. coli and other contaminants were found in all 300 packages that were tested from around the country. Fortunately for McDonald’s customers, the levels were nearly as low as the amount of beef actually found in any of their burgers.

McDonald’s is set to open their first restaurant in Siberia. It’s the one where people will actually pay to be the ones to have scalding coffee dumped in their lap just to feel warmer.

A report says that hospitals across the country are building bigger rooms to accommodate their obese patients. Apparently they have figured out that it’s smart to give the best service to the customers who they know will keep coming back.

Three Americans and a British man who stopped a train attack were awarded the French Legion of Honor medal for heroism. Fortunately, there were plenty of medals available to give out as it’s not like they are going to ever have to award one to someone from France.

A study has shed light on what dooms most marriages. Which after this week is pretty much the hackers’ release of all the names of the members of Ashley Madison.

McDonald’s is set to open their first restaurant in Siberia. It’s the one where the authorities make sure the customers have a better chance of being grilled than the patties.

A study says that once girls start having sex they lose friends, while boys make more friends. The boys make more friends because all the other boys want them to tell which girls are willing to have sex.

A study says that once girls start having sex they lose friends, while boys make more friends. The girls lose friends other than the boys who found out they are willing to have sex.

A report says Jared Fogle’s non-profit Jared Foundation that was set up to fight childhood obesity was a sham. Although in his defense, thousands of young children have lost weight after learning to run when they see him coming.

Rapper Wiz Kalifa was reportedly restrained by police for riding a hoverboard at LAX. Apparently he made the mistake of booking a flight on United and got impatient and just wanted to see what it was like to actually get off the ground if just for a few seconds.

A German couple found a message in a bottle that was put in the ocean 108 years ago by an English researcher. The message reportedly said “Please toss this bottle away for me.”

A German couple found a message in a bottle that was put in the ocean 108 years ago by an English researcher. The message reportedly said “Help! Out of beer.”

Comcast says it plans to have 1 gigabit per second Internet available to all its customers nationwide by 2018. Which coincidentally when all the people using AOL dial up will get the news release delivered to their e-mail.

Comcast says it plans to have 1 gigabit per second Internet available to all its customers nationwide by 2018. At least the ones who order it at least by no later than some time this week.

Microsoft’s Windows 95 turns 20 years old this week. The company is already planning the 20th anniversary of Windows Vista where they will see if they can get a computer powered by the operating system to actually be able to boot up.

A web site called Furry Friend generates a cat purring noise for cat lovers. Which is only fitting since the computer making the noise will move about the same distance from the desktop where it is sitting as the cat on the couch it is mimicking.

A web site called Furry Friend generates a cat purring noise for cat lovers. Not only that, but but for hard core cat lovers the computer will also take the dust in its intake vents and convert it into a realistic replica of a hairball.

Several new apps are available that help people locate their car in a parking lot. Which the car’s owner wouldn’t have lost if they would have been paying attention when they parked instead of looking at all their other cellphone apps.

A company is planning to offer to take portions of the ashes of the deceased and send them to the Moon. What’s bad are the people whose feelings about their family members are apparent when they say it would be more fitting to send them to Uranus.

A company is planning to offer to take portions of the ashes of the deceased and send them to the Moon.  Which is a pretty cheap way to get out of having to pay those monthly cemetery landscaping fees.

A British company says it is working on a hydrogen fuel cell that can power a cellphone for up to a week without recharging. How much are we tied to our cellphones that a battery isn’t enough to run them and they now need their own fuel tank?

A British company says it is working on a hydrogen fuel cell that can power a cellphone for up to a week without recharging. Although most people are waiting for the helium fuel cells that make it sound like the call is coming from Mickey Mouse.

A survey says that half of all federal workers use their personal devices to access work e-mails. No one even had any idea that many government employees were on the mailing list of Hillary Clinton.

A survey says that half of all federal workers use their personal devices to access work e-mails. Mostly because their work issued devices are all tied up with their account at Ashley Madison.

NASA satellite images show that California is sinking at a faster rate than thought from the drought. Which is ironic that a drought is causing the state to sink faster than it did when all the homeowners in the state were still underwater.

A report says that a Joe Biden presidential candidacy would test his friendship with Hillary. Not only that, but Bill is going to be furious if he doesn’t get a chance to get back into the White House so he can go back to offering private tours as his pickup line.

Bernie Sanders was asked how a Joe Biden run would affect his chances to win the 2016 nomination to which he said “I just don’t know.” But then at his age he says the same thing when he was asked what he had for breakfast.

Bernie Sanders was asked how a Joe Biden run would affect his chances to win the 2016 nomination to which he said “I just don’t know.” Which is exactly the same answer Republican candidates are saying when asked what crazy thoughts will come out of Donald Trump’s mouth next.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the stock market is crashing again. At least it can’t be blamed on someone texting while behind the wheel. The good news is all the stock “experts” who have been predicting another crash since the last one seven years ago can finally say they were right and we won’t have to listen to them again for at least a little while. I am happy to report that shareholders in this blog have not lost a dime. And I have not made one, so I guess we’re all even. I think. In any event, I accept my shares when all of you log on to the site every day and then take the time to remember to always send the love!

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