Sunday, August 23, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. Still finishing last on the list of concerns in the UK is dental hygiene.

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. Which means that if Donald Trump starts falling in the polls here he might start checking out the English Constitution to see if there is a way he can run for King.

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. If the people in the UK want to keep out any foreigners from coming in to their country, the one word they need to remember is “haggis.”

A report says that immigration has overtaken the economy as the biggest concern in the UK. Apparently now that Donald Trump is leading in the presidential polls, Mexicans are giving up on crossing the border and feel they have a better chance swimming across the Atlantic.

The Clinton campaign is reportedly on alert for an undercover conservative sting. As opposed to the wide open conservative sting against the Clinton campaign called Fox News.

Scientists are warning that a major solar storm hitting the Earth could cause the planet to go dark. Which could result in the worst nightmare for millions or people being forced to look up from their iPhone and actually have a conversation with another human.

A Florida man was arrested for assaulting a woman with sauerkraut. Coincidentally, his name was Reuben.

The world’s 400 richest people lost a combined $182 Billion in last week’s stock market plunge. Which was great news for the ones who needed a tax write off for the trillions of dollars they made taking everyone else’s money by creating the mortgage crisis.

Pope Francis I reportedly wants to enter the U.S. by coming across the Mexican Border. The only problem will be that as a South American, the only way he will be able to do that will be if there is a big enough trunk in the PopeMobile.

A study says for some people, being single brings the most happiness. Which at least is some good news for the millions of men who are about to become single again when their wives see they had an account on Ashley Madison.

A study says for some people, being single brings the most happiness. Which is great news for people who don’t even have to think about getting married while paying off their college debt with a minimum wage job while living in their parents’ basement.

The stock market dropped more than 1,000 points last week on the weakening of the Chinese economy. American investors are worried that if China goes broke, who will be left to still loan the U.S. any money?

Donald Trump told a crowd in Arizona that he wants the election “to be held tomorrow.” Mostly because he knows even the American electorate won’t be buying what he has to sell all the way through 2016.

A report says that airlines are upscaling their amenities for high-paying fliers. The rumors are that in First Class they actually book only one person to a seat.

A report says that airlines are upscaling their amenities for high-paying fliers. Which in the case of United Airlines means they get booked with someone else.

The Dow dropped more than 1,000 points last week. To which Jeb Bush is saying “Welcome to my world.”

The Obama Administration says that China shouldn’t be so reliant on exports. Although an end to Chinese exports would mean Americans would be naked with no iPhone when they go to Wal-Mart to find all the shelves empty.

A study says that Instagram makes people sad when they follow too many strangers. As opposed to the 5,000 “friends” on their Facebook account whom they have never met.

Colt is asking a bankruptcy judge for $2.5 Million for payments for nine top executives. Which pretty much explains how the company went bankrupt in the first place.

Colt is asking a bankruptcy judge for $2.5 Million for payments for nine top executives. To which the judge is complaining that it’s like the company is holding a gun to his head.

Michael Jordan was awarded $8.9 Million in a lawsuit about his name being used in an ad without permission, to which is says “It was never about the money.” At least other than the $10 Million he was suing for in the first place.

The Army says it is testing a hearing drug at a rifle range. It’s just too bad the military didn’t use a hearing drug on Congress and the White House when everyone was trying to tell them not to get us into the war in Iraq.

Data says that 7 Million Americans have gone at least a year without making any payments on their federal student loans. Which is ironic in that they are handling their debt pretty much like the federal government that loaned them their money.

Jimmy Fallon reportedly chipped a tooth while trying to open a jar after nearly losing a finger in another household accident. Which means he really needs to stop accepting gift boxes sent over by Conan O’Brien.

A report says that Ashley Madison users are now facing extortion. Mostly from their wives who are talking about taking half of everything they own.

A study says that paying off small loans can motivate people to take care of their larger debts. Or as the mob says, paying off the money that can result in a broken thumb could be the start to keeping both legs from being fractured.

A study says that paying off small loans can motivate people to take care of their larger debts. The only problem is that for most people who are paying on time for their car, home and college tuition there are no such things as small loans.

Government workers are coping with the fallout from the Ashley Madison hacks that revealed 15,000 accounts with government e-mail addresses. Which federal employees are now calling it the good old days when they only had to worry about being exposed by Edward Snowden.

Budweiser is taking exception to a “Queen of Beer” campaign by a craft beer maker that they feel infringes on their “King of Beers” trademark. Although Budweiser says it would have no objection to them using the nobility titles of Landgrave, Viscount or Marquess of beers.

A study says a byproduct of the Middle East wars is less air pollution. Especially after the war in Iraq pushed oil prices around the world over $100 a barrel.

A study says a byproduct of the Middle East wars is less air pollution. Which is ironic in how a war over oil actually ended up getting rid of smog.

A study says a byproduct of the Middle East wars is less air pollution. Mostly because all the Middle Eastern countries are switching over to cleaner nuclear power so they can some day have the bomb.

A study says that doctors play an important role in their patients’ weight loss. Mostly by not leaving them any money to buy food once they pay off their medical bills.

A study says that heavy smoking is linked with pot bellies. Mostly for people who are smoking pot which in turn leads to all night sessions at Papa John’s, Domino’s and Little Caesar’s.

A study says that heavy smoking is linked with pot bellies. Which is a real let down for smokers who years ago switched over to light cigarettes.

A study says that heavy smoking is linked with pot bellies. Mostly for the people who think that chocolate tastes especially good after smoking menthol cigarettes.

A study says that 3 of 4 marijuana dispensaries in L.A. are illegal. The first clue is when the business address is given as the trunk of a 1987 Buick parked behind a laundromat.

Researchers say that playing football before age 12 may hurt the brain. But not as much as after age 21 sitting on the couch all day on NFL Sunday’s watching every game while drinking a couple of cases of beer.

UFC champion Ronda Rousey has filed to trademark her catchphrase “Do nothing bitch.” To which the entire Kardashian family is saying that they already have the trademark to Kim.

Nike has built a LaBron James court in the Philippines. To be an official LeBron James court is has a mural of the basketball player along with written instructions on how to give someone the Heimlich Maneuver when they are choking.

A Yale computer scientist has developed a program that creates music close enough to Bach’s that people can’t tell them apart. The only problem is that he is already being sued by the estate of Marvin Gaye.

A Yale computer scientist has developed a program that creates music close enough to Bach’s that people can’t tell them apart. His next project is to program nails across a chalkboard that people can’t tell apart from the music of Justin Bieber.

Apple is offering a free fix for blurry photos that are taken by some iPhone 6 Plus cameras. The first thing they do is suggest that next time the person sobers up before trying to take some pictures.

Apple is offering a free fix for blurry photos that are taken by some iPhone 6 Plus cameras. Although most people appreciate when some pictures are blurry, especially the selfies that are too out of focus for their friends to post on Facebook.

The Dow loss of more than 1,000 points last week has put the market into what is being called a correction. If losing shares is called a correction, then Sears says it has been on a self-improvement kick for years.

A study says that humans are the world’s top superpredators who kill at a faster rate than all other carnivores. Especially when we get behind the wheel with our cellphones after drinking.

The first wolf pack in decades has been spotted in Northern California. No one expected to ever see a pack of wolves in California at least until Fox News found out that is where Hillary Clinton would be campaigning.

Presidential candidate Marco Rubio says U.S. competitiveness is on the wane. Which is apparent especially with Rubio who can’t get out of single digits in his polling numbers.

Presidential candidate Marco Rubio says U.S. competitiveness is on the wane. Which is evident by the fact that out of 16 candidates who have declared for the Republican nomination, the other 15 are still losing to Donald Trump.

Samsung is letting iPhone users “test drive” their phones for a month. Which has been working out fine until people never come back after thinking it meant to drive while using the Samsung phone.

Republican presidential candidates are refusing to stop using the term “anchor babies” which some people say is offensive. Not only that, but many think they are saying “anchor babes” in referring to any of the newscasters over on Fox.

Animal rights activists interrupted a speech by Chris Christie in Iowa. Mostly because when they saw him on the stage they assumed it was a demonstration to save the whales.

 Animal rights activists interrupted a speech by Chris Christie in Iowa. Apparently they got worried seeing someone the size of Christie getting that close to where they were keeping the cows, sheep and chickens.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s been a tough week on Wall Street where more than a thousand points were lost. But no one has had it any tougher than the men who are trying to convince their wives they thought Ashley Madison was a website where they could buy Ashley furniture on Madison Avenue. Although the people who lost a bundle on paper in the market are way better off than the Ashley Madison members who will lose a bundle with the papers they are served by their wive’s divorce attorneys. All I know is the best way to stay out of trouble is by spending all my spare time trying to think up bad jokes. Which even pays off once in awhile when all of you take the time to remember to send the love!

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