Friday, August 21, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The USDA has issued a regulation to stop using the term “midget” raisins after a group says it is offensive. Not only that, it is no longer racially permissible to say “black” olives and senior groups are saying that apples can no longer be called “Granny Smith.”

George W. Bush has started fundraising for his brother Jeb. Apparently he is raising money by promising he will not be one of his brother’s policy advisers.

George W. Bush has started fundraising for his brother Jeb. He will be using his own reputation and success from his days in the White House with the expectation to raise as much as $47.

An astrophysicist says that warp speed for space travel could be a reality within 100 years. Which is not to be confused with Jared Fogle’s speed of becoming warped going from corporate spokesman to convicted pedophile.

Researchers at Harvard and MIT say the cure for obesity could be an injection away. As opposed with the cause of obesity which is the fillings that are injected into Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Developments in New York City are selling parking spaces to condo owners for $1 Million. Which is still cheaper than the amount it costs to cover the towing and impound fees for just one parking violation in Manhattan.

A report says there are fewer homeless people in New Orleans now than there were right after Hurricane Katrina. Mostly because everyone in New Orleans was pretty much homeless right after Katrina.

Data says that U.S. factories still haven’t recovered from the recession. Many economic experts were surprised. There are still factories in the U.S.?

Josh Duggar has come out and said he has been the “biggest hypocrite ever.” Which was quickly challenged by John Ensign, David Vitter, Eliot Spitzer, Larry Craig, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Mark Sanford...

Caitlyn Jenner could be facing manslaughter charges over a car accident while she was still Bruce Jenner. Which means to be politically correct the charges may have to be redefined as “trans-slaughter.”

A poll of business owners says that Oprah Winfrey is the person they would most want to be in business with. Mostly because it doesn’t hurt to have a business partner with $3 Billion of available cash they can burn through.

A poll of business owners says that Oprah Winfrey is the person they would most want to be in business with. The only problem is that even with her name and money, she still hasn’t been able to do a thing for Stedman Graham.

A poll of business owners says that Oprah Winfrey is the person they would most want to be in business with. Finishing last on the list was Kim Kardashian, mostly because the only product she has ever been able to sell is Kim Kardashian.

90,000 people have signed a petition to have Jon Stewart moderate a presidential debate. Mostly just for the fact that it would rule out any attempts for Donald Trump to come after him with any suggestions of a hormonal imbalance.

90,000 people have signed a petition to have Jon Stewart moderate a presidential debate. Mostly because most Americans can closely identify with him now that he is officially out of work.

A complaint says that Uber hired 25 drivers with criminal records including murder, child abuse and assault. Although the legal action has nothing to do with the crimes, it is just trying to stop the ride sharing company from stealing all the best cabbies.

A poll says that most Americans want the government to curb rising prescription drug costs. Which is a nice idea until those people look and see how successful the government has ever been in the nation’s history at trying to be responsible with money.

A poll says that most Americans want the government to curb rising prescription drug costs. But, if they can’t do that they can still try to do something about the rising costs of housing, food, health care, taxes, education...

A report says that “boomerang” home buyers who have had homes foreclosed are getting back into the housing market. The term boomerang buyers comes from no matter how hard you try to fix a credit report after being foreclosed, it just keeps coming back.

A study says that a majority of parents say computer science is as important in school as English, math and history. Mostly because thanks to Facebook, Twitter and video games at least their kids have a chance of getting a decent grade with computers.

Two Senators are urging recalls of all vehicles that have Takata airbags. That could amount to more than 34 Million cars being recalled. Or as GM calls that, a pretty busy Tuesday.

Two Senators are urging recalls of all vehicles that have Takata airbags. It’s the first time the Senate has urged a recall concerning an airbag since Bill Clinton was impeached.

Discover has been ranked the top credit card for customer satisfaction. Mostly because since the recession crashed the economy and brought widespread unemployment, Discover is the only card most Americans can still qualify for.

A report from the UK says that e-cigarettes are safer than real cigarettes and can help people quit smoking. Of course, this is the same part of the world that says haggis is an edible and nutritious meal.

A report from the UK says that e-cigarettes are safer than real cigarettes and can help people quit smoking. Which is like saying getting shot with a .22 is not as bad as with a 30.06 but why try out either one firsthand?

A study says the heaviest smokers may gain the most weight after quitting. Which would turn them from the heaviest smokers into the heaviest non-smokers.

A study says the heaviest smokers may gain the most weight after quitting. Mostly because they go from smoking cigarettes to instead smoking beef, pork and chicken.

The Cleveland Clinic is kicking McDonald’s off their campus after 20 years. Mostly because while McDonald’s gave the hospital a lot of business to start with, eventually it would just put all their customers over into the Ronald McDonald House.

The CDC says unsafe habits with contact lenses can put people’s eyes at risk. The biggest problem is not following instructions properly. Which means that people could avoid eye problems if they were just better pupils.

A study says that teenagers who surround themselves with others who are in a good mood have a lower risk of depression. The only problem is that means they would have to stop hanging around with other teenagers.

A new study identifies nine risk factors for Alzheimer’s Disease. Those factors include obesity, depression, high blood pressure and they can’t remember the other six.

Coca-Cola says it will disclose its investments in scientific research and advocacy for public health. The soft drink maker says it doesn’t so much give any companies money as make sure that researchers always have a steady supply of cadavers.

Anna Duggar says she won’t divorce her husband Josh after it was revealed he had accounts with extra-marital affairs site Ashley Madison. She says at least it’s nice he is now attracted to having sex with adults.

Jennifer Aniston is telling how she managed to keep her wedding a secret. Apparently it had to do with only featuring the name of her husband Justin Theroux on the announcements, to which everyone was saying “Who?”

Former Indianapolis Colts coach Tony Dungy says that Peyton Manning was afraid that the New England Patriots were bugging the Colts’ locker room. Mostly as a result of seeing Tom Brady show up to practice wearing an “NSA” T-shirt.

Microsoft has applied for a patent for for a slight electric jolt to be given when an e-mail is delivered. Although suspicions are being raised after the man who was the voice of AOL’s “You’ve got mail” was recently found electrocuted.

Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz says the tech industry is destroying the personal lives of employees. To which Mark Zuckerberg replied by rubbing his hands together, saying “Muaahahaha!”

Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz says the tech industry is destroying the personal lives of employees. To which Mark Zuckerberg says it’s not true and that’s what happens when people don’t just stay at their desk 17 hours a day and do as they are told.

Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz says the tech industry is destroying the personal lives of employees. Fortunately those people can at least go home after working at their technology job all day to post a rant on how bad their job is on their Facebook page.

India’s Kochi Airport is the world’s first to be completely powered by solar energy. Which wouldn’t work in the U.S. since the TSA insists on searching all airline passengers where the sun doesn’t shine.

A company is marketing chewable coffee Go Cubes that have the same taste and effect of drinking coffee. Although if people wanted chewable coffee in the morning they would just stop for a quick morning cup at the closest Burger King.

A company is marketing chewable coffee Go Cubes that have the same taste and effect of drinking coffee. The only problem is for the people who like the warm feeling that goes along with their morning coffee who follow it up by pouring scalding water down their throat.

Netflix is being criticized for excluding lower paid DVD workers from their policy that gives time off following birth or adoption. Mostly because the DVD section workers aren’t paid enough to even have a date let alone think about having a family.

New swimming goggles use technology to help keep swimmers on line. Which won’t be so much a benefit in the pool as it will for passengers on Carnival cruise ships who need accurate directions when they are forced to swim several miles to get back to shore.

Wall Street saw its worst day in 18 months, dropping more than 300 points. And that was just because of what Josh Duggar and Jared Fogle did to the values of the stock of Ashley Madison and Subway.

Researchers say they have trained computers to pick the next top fashion models using algorithms. The trick is to first program them to throw out any potential candidates who weigh more than 74 pounds.

Conan O’Brien says he is trying to get presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee’s numbers up from zero to one percent. To which Chafee is looking at Conan’s ratings over on TBS and saying the same thing.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Congress has been out of session all month, but all I can say is thank goodness for sexual deviants Jared Fogle and Josh Duggar for more than making up for the improper escapades that are normally in the news when Congress is back in town. It is the weekend and I hope you all have plans to enjoy yours. I always enjoy mine a little bit more when you all take the time to remember to always send the love!

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