Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Idaho has replaced mile marker 420 with a sign saying “419.9” to prevent being stolen by stoners. Although anyone out at mile marker 420 in Idaho is probably not as much stoned as they are lost.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has pledged a crackdown on nearly naked women in Times Square. Although even people supporting the action thought when dealing with naked women he could have used a better term than “crackdown.”

An Indiana woman has become a consecrated virgin, one of about 200 in the entire country. People were amazed. They never heard of that many lifelong virgins outside of a “Star Wars” convention.

An Indiana woman has become a consecrated virgin by marrying Jesus, one of about 200 such women in the entire country. No one even had an idea that Jesus had converted to become a Mormon.

An Indiana woman has become a consecrated virgin by marrying Jesus, one of about 200 in the entire country. Apparently she insisted on marrying Jesus because he is the only man she knows who doesn’t spend every NFL Sunday parked in front of the TV.

Researchers say the salt content in kids’ food has gotten dangerously high. To which food manufacturers say at least it is the only ingredient they are adding that doesn’t have any calories.

Researchers say the salt content in kids’ food has gotten dangerously high. Food manufacturers say they have done that to give a little variety from the usual kids’ meals that only contain sugar and fat.

The White House has hired the first openly transgender staffer. To which most people are asking “Then what was going on back when Janet Reno was in office?”

A jury will decide if a company using Michael Jordan’s image in an ad without permission should pay the former NBA star his perceived market value of $10 Million. After which the jury members will go home after giving up two weeks of their lives for a stipend and parking fees to feel as if they are part of a justice system that truly works.

A jury will decide if a company using Michael Jordan’s image in an ad without permission should pay the former NBA star his perceived market value of $10 Million. Although the jury members are going to feel cheated after being recruited by saying they would get box seats to watch Michael Jordan in a one-on-one for all the money.

Wal-Mart says it is battling shrinkage, but need to find out if it is from theft or inventory management. Although if the shrinkage is bad enough, they might look at turning down the air conditioner a notch.

Studies show that Millennials are finding home prices rising faster than their pay, making it harder for them to buy. The worst part is they are putting so much money into paying off their college diploma there is nothing left to pay for a wall to hang it on.

Studies show that Millennials are finding home prices rising faster than their pay, making it harder for them to buy. Which means one of two things. Either home prices need to slow down, or the next increase in the minimum wage needs to be pushed through even faster.

A Virtual Reality exhibit will allow spectators at the U.S. Open Tennis Championships to see what it is like to play against Maria Sharapova. Although it won’t completely realistic until participants come away temporarily deaf from Sharapova’s lifelike shrieking.

Jordan Spieth has already been listed as the favorite in the Masters golf tournament which is still eight months away. Oddsmakers are also taking wagers on which resort location Tiger Woods will be vacationing at during that same weekend.

A survey says the average payout from the Tooth Fairy is $3.19, down about a quarter from last year. Which for the people in Alabama is still a bargain when that amount is compared to the price for a year’s supply of toothpaste and dental floss.

A report says that half of all meals and snacks in the U.S. are eaten alone. Or as people going to stop off for dinner before going to the next “Star Wars” or “Star Trek” movie call that. “date night.”

A report says that half of all meals and snacks in the U.S. are eaten alone. Mostly because nobody wants to sit in someone’s basement watching them while they play video games online and chow down on a bag of Doritos and box of Krispy Kremes.

A study says that school children in the U.S. have three times too much homework. To which most kids show why when they say “Is that double?”

A study says that smoking e-cigarettes may spur teens to try smoking. To which most of their parents are OK with saying they have given up on getting their teens to try anything.

The FDA has approved a drug to enhance the female libido. Which is great news for men, just as long as one of the pills still costs less than its equivalent of a lobster dinner.

The FDA has approved a drug to enhance the female libido. Or as Bill Cosby has known them for years, Quaaludes.

A study says that early life adversity is linked to depression in teenagers. Or as depression in teenagers is also known, being a teenager.

A study says that children with larger vocabularies at age 2 are better prepared for Kindergarten. Especially the kids who already know how to say “Hand over your lunch money or I’ll punch you!”

Warren Braren, who urged a ban on broadcast tobacco ads has died at age 82. He was able to see the ban through, which surprised many broadcasters who thought he was just blowing smoke.

Iggy Azalea laughed off rumors that she is addicted to heroin. That reaction is usually reserved for people who have been forced to listen to her music for several hours.

David Gilmore has officially announced the break up of Pink Floyd. To which most people were saying “Pink Floyd was still together?”

The ex-husband of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards says “90% of what you read is completely false.” Which is pretty much about the same ratio to reality as anyone gets watching the show.

The ex-husband of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” star Kim Richards says “90% of what you read is completely false.” Which means it is good for them that 90% of the people who watch the show don’t read anything.

Diddy says the incident that involved him swinging a kettlebell at a UCLA coach was a “misunderstanding.” Meaning that he missed.

Tom Brady missed a court appearance in his lawsuit against the NFL on Wednesday. The reasons were he didn’t think he would be called to testify, needed to report to practice and didn’t want to risk being in another hideous sketch by that courtroom artist.

Uber is expanding to making food deliveries in San Francisco. Don’t we already have that? It’s called “Domino’s.”

Danica Patrick has a new sponsor, Nature’s Bakery which makes flavored fig bars. If they want to have a successful sales campaign, hopefully they are flavored to taste like something other than figs.

Danica Patrick has a new sponsor, Nature’s Bakery which makes flavored fig bars. She was going to be sponsored by a prune company but their slogan “We make you go, daddy” was a little too close to her last sponsor.

Danica Patrick has a new sponsor, Nature’s Bakery which makes flavored fig bars. They are being marketed as a great food supplement for Patrick’s loyal fans who stick it out long enough to see her actually finish.

Michael Jordan testified at his trial for compensation for an unauthorized ad that he “values his image preciously.” Which most lawyers would get the case thrown out on that testimony once they produce a picture of Jordan hanging out with his friend Charles Barkley.

Michael Jordan testified at his trial for compensation for an unauthorized ad that he “values his image preciously.” He says it is his duty to protect his image so he can keep his $60 Million a year deal with Nike to provide work to all those preschoolers in China making his Air Jordans.

A report says the Boston Olympics organization failed because it underestimated costs in its bid for the 2024 Games. It is yet another sports related failure in Boston that is tied to inflation.

The NFL says it will experiment with an additional official on the field with a tablet for instant replays. The tablets will come with an app already programmed to declare “The replay was inconclusive and the call will stand.”

Hackers have posted date stolen from online extra-marital affairs site Ashley Madison. Most of the hacked information came from one person in particular who went by the screen name of “PrezBillyC.”

Microsoft has issued an emergency patch for all versions of Windows concerning a security flaw with Internet Explorer. Computer experts were surprised. There are still people using Internet Explorer?

Microsoft has issued an emergency patch for all versions of Windows concerning a security flaw with Internet Explorer. People still using Windows Vista are urged to install the patch in case they ever actually get their computer to boot up.

China has reportedly arrested 15,000 people for cybercrimes. Apparently they were caught logging on to something other than the five government approved web sites.

Former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle will reportedly plead guilty to charges involving child pornography. Which means his image has gone from being a spokesman for Subway to being the creepy guy wearing a trench coat in a subway station.

Researchers say that cats are better predators than dogs. At least they used to be until they evolved into a lifestyle of sleeping 20 hours a day and any hunting skills have been limited to stalking a can of 9 Lives after hearing the electric can opener.

Jeb Bush says working for the government shouldn’t be “lifetime employment.” To which most government employees agree saying they are all hoping to retire by 50.

Jeb Bush says there are 10 things about the Constitution he would like to change with the “wave of a wand.” To which his brother George says it’s just a good thing no one changed the part that allowed the Supreme Court to declare him President.

Donald Trump says that Heidi Klum is “no longer a ’10’.” To which most people would agree that if Trump got a real haircut and lost about 60 pounds he might move up to about a ‘3’.

CNN anchor Chris Cuomo is being credited with saving a man caught in a rip current in the Hamptons. Apparently he was able to do it after working at CNN where the ratings have been underwater since 1995.

CNN anchor Chris Cuomo is being credited with saving a man caught in a rip current in the Hamptons. He was praised by CNN for his fast reactions, selflessness and possibly actually gaining them a new viewer.

The Cleveland Clinic has ordered McDonald’s to leave after having a location on their campus the past 20 years. It was sad to see the relationship end since the arrangement no doubt provided plenty of new customers to each business.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am getting bummed. The PGA championship is over, the U.S. Open tennis tournament is coming up soon. Then it’s the World Series, football season and we’re right back in the middle of winter with freezing temperatures and snow all over the place. Thinking about that makes it almost impossible to think about how miserable it is in all this heat and humidity. It’s always something. The one thing, though that always makes me happy and not depressed about what is happening or is going to happen or has happened is when you all take some time to remember to send the love!

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