Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A study says that violent video games are linked to aggressive behavior. Mostly when gamers are in their basements for an all night session and they realize their parents forgot to buy more Doritos and Mountain Dew.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos says he would quit Amazon if it were really the way it was described in an article in the New York Times. At least if he wasn’t the one person making billions of dollars instead of everyone else who is being paid minimum wage.

A poll says that half of all UK people between 18 and 24 say they are not 100% heterosexual. Mostly because now that between metrosexuals, transgender, androgynous and so many other gender descriptions available, no one really knows what they are anymore.

The National Labor Relations Board has ruled the athletes at Northwestern University can’t form a union. Which means the football players are facing their worst nightmare to make money, which includes actually going to class and graduating.

A study says that constantly checking cellphones leads to cognitive failure. To which all those people will say they think there may be an app for that.

A report says that some college quarterbacks are training with Virtual Reality. Which could soon be adopted by the pros, where Raiders quarterbacks could then experience what it is like to throw a ball that is actually caught by one of their receivers.

A report says that some college quarterbacks are training with Virtual Reality. This way they can experience from their dorm room what it actually feels like to go and attend a class.

A Japanese sports drink is reportedly going to be the first product to put ads on the Moon. Although the idea was considered by Clearasil acne medication as a way to show that if the Moon had used it there wouldn’t so many craters.

Queen Elizabeth II is set to become England’s longest reigning monarch next month. Which means at the same time Prince Charles will become England’s longest reigning hanger-on.

Queen Elizabeth II is set to become England’s longest reigning monarch next month. She has thought about retirement and sitting around doing nothing all day, but then reconsidered when she figured what’s the difference?

Queen Elizabeth II is set to become England’s longest reigning monarch next month. Which means that Prince Charles will have waited for the throne for 62 years. But he will be the first to admit that being second in line to being King is also a good thing.

Police at the University of North Carolina are going to start wearing body cameras. Apparently campus officials figure it’s a good idea to have video in case something goes terribly wrong while giving directions or writing a parking ticket.

A group of scientists are studying the best way to spend money on science. Which probably doesn’t include the very study they managed to convince someone to fund.

Starbucks says it is pulling artificial coloring from its pumpkin spice latte. Now all they need to do is work on removing the artificial arrogant attitude from their baristas.

Sprint has announced a new plan that allows customers to upgrade each time the latest iPhone comes out. Which isn’t a bad deal if you don’t mind having to switch over to a new cellphone every four days.

An economist testified in court that Michael Jordan’s market value is $10 Million. His popularity continues because of his success on the basketball court, personal charisma and the fact that most people have forgotten about “Space Jam.”

A report says that CFOs got bigger average raises than company CEOs. Which shows that being the boss is good but there still is a big advantage to being the one who gets to write out the checks.

A report says that deaths on U.S. highways have risen as the economy has improved. Which means that people can finally afford the alcohol, cellphones and electronic devices that they couldn’t afford to have along while driving while the economy was bad.

A poll says that Americans’ support of unions is recovering. Mostly for the people who are tired of working and would like to go on strike just so they can take some time off.

A poll says that Americans’ support of unions is recovering. But only if they could be represented by the NFL Players Association so they could negotiate up from minimum wage to a multimillion dollar contract.

A new book uses psychological tricks to get children to fall asleep. Or parents could just learn to turn off the TV, computers and video game consoles.

Researchers say that kids’ headaches spike when they go back to school. Especially the ones with the same teacher as Charlie Brown who only said “Wah wah wah!”

Researchers say that kids’ headaches spike when they go back to school. Interestingly enough, this is the exact same time that parents’ headaches decrease by the same ratio.

A study says that heavy lifting by women is tied to trouble in trying to get pregnant. Especially when the heavy weight they are lifting is their obese husband who keeps falling asleep on them in the middle of sex.

A study says that patients don’t realize that smoking worsens Inflammatory Bowel Disease. Although if you are having trouble with your bowels because of smoking, you are probably putting the cigarette in the wrong place.

A study says that urban grime in cities releases air pollutants when exposed to sunlight. Which is a good thing that most of the sunlight in those cities is obscured by all the smog.

A survey says that children are showing signs of stress as early as grade school but their parents are not seeing it. Although the first indication is when all their finger painting is done only with their extended middle finger.

Jon Stewart is set to host the WWE Summer Slam on TV. Apparently after covering politicians for all those years on “The Daily Show” he decided it was time to get involved in something that caters to a classier crowd and is just a bit less sleazy and contrived.

Red Hot Chili Peppers’ bassist Flea reportedly spends his spare time raising bees. Apparently he got the idea after hearing it was the same hobby of Sting.

The president of the Washington Redskins says he won’t consider a name change for the team as part of a deal for a new stadium. He says the team name is not racist against Indians, and that he will do it only if taxpayers chip in heap big wampum.

Adidas will reportedly design NHL jerseys in the near future. The jerseys will include space for ads by the main sponsors of the league which include PoliGrip, Fixodent and Dentu-Creme.

Washington Redskins quarterback RG III says he feels he is the best quarterback in the league. At least for the first four games while Tom Brady is sitting out and Aaron Rogers, Russell Wilson and Peyton Manning are injured or have contract disputes.

A majority of NFL players say they feel the punishment against Tom Brady was too harsh. Mostly because he would have been treated less severely if he had been using a hypodermic needle instead of one for a ball pump.

A group representing trophy makers is upset with Steelers linebacker James Harrison saying he is against participation trophies. To which Donald Trump says he would never give back a trophy. He just trades them in once in a while for a younger version.

A group representing trophy makers is upset with Steelers linebacker James Harrison saying he is against participation trophies. He says he would rather be like the Patriots who won the Lombardi Trophy the old fashioned way. With a quarterback who cheats.

A judge in California is set to hear a fraud case over the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao pay per view fight. Wrestling fans knew the fight was a fraud because neither one of the fighters even tried to hit the other one over the head with a folding chair.

Major League Baseball has announced that if there is a World Series Game 7 this year it will take place on November 4th. To which the Miami Marlins promptly offered their stadium to be used for the milder weather since they won’t be using it after September.

San Antonio says they are willing to host the Raiders on a temporary basis while they are figuring out where they will move. If nothing else it will give them a chance to know where all the criminal element in town will be for three hours every Sunday.

San Antonio says they are willing to host the Raiders on a temporary basis while they are figuring out where they will move. Mostly because if any place can make the best out of a losing cause, it is the city that is the home to the Alamo.

A Tennessee teenager who was trapped underneath a truck says he was saved when he was able to get Siri to call 911. He just wishes she would have called before making him listen to every new joke she was programmed with that day.

A Tennessee teenager who was trapped underneath a truck says he was saved when he was able to get Siri to call 911. The only problem was the time it take before she got it right after calling 7-Eleven, 9-Heaven and everyone in the phone book named “Kevin.”

Microsoft has put out a warning for its latest Windows 10 update which is reportedly crashing PCs. Apparently Microsoft engineers didn’t anticipate all the traffic being steered over to the new .xxx domain sites.

Microsoft has put out a warning for its latest Windows 10 update which is reportedly crashing PCs. Apparently it is for the old school Microsoft fans who still like to reminisce what it was like to have a computer fun by Windows Vista.

Scientists say they have found evidence of a prehistoric massacre in Europe. They knew it was a massacre because DNA revealed no victims from France who obviously were able to run away before the fighting started.

Google has named its new Android system “Marshmallow.” The name is a tribute to their employees who are also soft, round and white all the way through.

The IRS says its data breach was three times bigger than it initially thought. Which was OK with most taxpayer who say identity theft is still less of a hassle than going through an IRS audit.

A new Apple Watch themed on Russian President Vladimir Putin is on the market. It costs $3,000, which means anyone buying it has the same opportunity to be like Putin and lose their shirt.

A University of Alabama sorority is being criticized for a video that shows a lack of diversity. For one thing, Alabama residents are upset that young women are shown who have shoes on their feet, are out of the kitchen and are visibly not pregnant.

A University of Alabama sorority is being criticized for a video that shows a lack of diversity. To which the sorority says there is a lot of diversity displayed. Some of the wealthy thin members are blond, some are brunette and some are redheads.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! August is a tough time for comedy writing. It’s hard to find material for jokes when both houses of Congress are gone for the entire month. Fortunately we still have the presidential campaign which almost makes up for it just with the entry of Donald Trump. I appreciate you checking in to read the jokes every day. The only thing that makes me any happier is when you take the time to remember to send the love!

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