Friday, August 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Fidel Castro says the U.S. owes Cuba “many millions of dollars” for the decades long embargo. Mostly for the fact that the only immigrants he ever sent our way already had jobs lined up on a Major League Baseball roster.

A company has come out with anti-radiation underwear that claims to protect people from Wi-Fi signals. The styles range from boxers to briefs to Bikini Atoll.

A company has come out with anti-radiation underwear that claims to protect people from Wi-Fi signals. Which will prompt the greeting “Is that a nuclear warhead in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?”

Emirates is planning the world’s longest flight from Dubai t Panama City which will take 17 1/2 hours. Or as United calls that, a pretty efficient boarding time.

The California drought is already reportedly causing trees there to change colors. Mostly from the usual green to the shriveled and dying brown.

The California drought is already reportedly causing trees there to change colors. Which will be a disappointment to the millions of tourists who flock to the state in autumn to see the palm fronds and citrus trees do whatever it is that actually happens to them.

A study says that smart people tend to live longer. As we pretty much already knew from watching people kill themselves trying to recreate stunts they saw on “Jackass.”

A study says that smart people tend to live longer. Which explains why funeral homes, probate lawyers and crematoriums are the main sponsors of “The Kardashians.”

A study says that smart people tend to live longer. Which means the odds-on favorite for the Nobel Prizes in Economics, Math and Science has got to be Larry King.

A report says that 11.5% of student debt is delinquent or in default. Which means the best way to stay out of debt is by being a delinquent student and not going to college.

John Boehner has become a grandfather for the first time. The baby reportedly is 8 pounds, 3 ounces, 20 inches long with a skin tone of a beautiful shade of orange.

NBC says that Donald Trump is officially off the show “Celebrity Apprentice.” Although he is not completely done with it as so far that is how most people are describing his political career.

Wildlife experts say that climate change is devastating Alaska. It has gotten so warm there that Sarah Palin can now see Hawaii from her back yard.

A tennis player has been fined for making insulting remarks about French Open champion Stan Wawrinka. Apparently he said that winning the French Open makes him officially a Frenchman.

A court in Connecticut has ordered a complete ban of the death penalty there. Apparently the court feels it is bad enough to make someone sentenced for a capital crime spend their entire life in Connecticut.

A longtime member of the board of directors of McDonald’s has resigned due to health reasons. Now who could have seen that coming?

A longtime member of the board of directors of McDonald’s has resigned due to health reasons. People were surprised. They thought the board members of McDonald’s were paid enough so that they didn’t have to eat there themselves.

The iPhone will soon have a facial recognition system. Which shouldn’t be too difficult since the people using their iPhones have their faces stuck inches from the screen for 14 hours out of the day.

A survey says that people across the entire country except for the New England states think Tom Brady is guilty in “Deflategate.” Even O.J. Simpson is telling him he needs a new publicity agent.

A survey says that people across the entire country except for the New England states think Tom Brady is guilty in “Deflategate.” Not to say things are looking bad for him, but Patriots now consider the team’s “12th man” to be whichever juror ends up being the holdout against a conviction.

Wheaties has teamed up with a brewery to make a limited edition beer. Apparently the idea is to make a beer so strong that after drinking it people will even try a bowl of Wheaties.

Union Pacific Railroad is reportedly cutting hundreds of jobs because of a drop in business. Not to say the railroads have a strong union, but the positions they are cutting will be the coal heaver, water tower operator and the guards who are in charge of preventing train holdups.

A poll says that many Americans doubt they will ever receive Social Security. Not because the program is in financial trouble, but because their lifestyle will prevent them from living anywhere close to retirement age.

A poll says that many Americans doubt they will ever receive Social Security. Mostly because working at their minimum wage job will push their projected retirement age somewhere back to around 93.

A study says that belonging to a religion is better for a person’s mental health than education, sports or volunteering. Mostly so they don’t go crazy listening to their mother constantly asking “So when are you going to start coming to church again?”

Wall Street firm KKR is offering moms who work there to take their babies and nannies along on company trips. Mostly because after Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck, most women are scared to death to leave the baby sitter at home with their husband.

A November storm in New York has triggered a baby boom at a local hospital. Which shows that if men don’t want to become dads as a result of a storm, they need to remember to wear a raincoat.

A petition is asking President Obama to order Kanye West to release his new album. To which the White House says that the President is busy with the Iran treaty and he can only deal with one national threat at a time.

A petition is asking President Obama to order Kanye West to release his new album. The petition will be delivered just as soon as it is signed by someone other than Kanye West.

A full scale version of the set of “Friends” will soon be on display in England. Apparently the English have just never actually seen an apartment before.

Ann Curry is reportedly writing a tell all book about her time at NBC. Apparently the working title is “Where In The World Is Matt Lauer? Oh, Yeah, Right Behind Me Sticking That Knife In My Back.”

Billy Joel has become a father again at age 66. Doctors were concerned about the birth, not because of any health issues but they just wanted to make sure it was someone other than Joel who drove his wife to the hospital.

Jennifer Garner reportedly fired her nanny after she went to Las Vegas with Ben Affleck and Tom Brady. So during the offseason Brady stays in shape by letting the air out of people’s careers and marriages.

Apple says it has boosted the hiring of women by 65% in the past year. How they hired two thirds of a woman is still anyone’s guess.

A company selling an app that claims to be able to detect melanoma has settled a complaint with the FTC. Apparently they are going back to their other business selling comic book readers X-Ray specs.

A study says that parts of Phoenix are sinking. Although it turns out it just may look that way because of all the mountains to the north in Utah and Colorado.

A study says that parts of Phoenix are sinking. Which is good news for the people of New Mexico who will now have all the beachfront property once California falls into the ocean.

The International Astronomical Union says it will allow people to come up with names for 15 stars and 32 exoplanets outside the solar system. So far the only contest rule is to disqualify participation for whomever it was who came up with the name “Uranus.”

The CEO of dating site Tinder has been let go after only five months. The good news is that he lasted longer than most of the relationships that started on Tinder.

Jeb Bush was asked about the war in Iraq and said taking down Saddam Hussein “was a pretty good deal.” Although he says he could have gotten Saddam out a lot easier. If anyone knows how to change a country’s leader it is the person who was the Governor of Florida during the 2000 presidential election.

A report says that Joe Biden is wading further into a bid for a presidential run. Although whenever he starts speaking it is everyone else who find themselves wading in something.

Hillary Clinton has introduced her proposal for a $350 Billion plan for “debt free” college. Which will be great news for the three students whose student loans the $350 will actually cover.

Rick Perry told supporters when it comes to the run for President, he is “in it to win it.” Unfortunately, the poll numbers say he is “out without a doubt.”

Florida honored the 70th anniversary of V-J Day, the end of World War II. Florida residents just wanted to let all the WWII veterans know they are thankful for their sacrifices ant that they think they are just a great group of kids.

Fox News says it is likely that Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly will meet again in another televised debate. You know it’s bad when Trump is asking if it can instead be moderated by the hosts of “The View.”

Fox News says it is likely that Donald Trump and Megyn Kelly will meet again in another televised debate. The word got out after all the commercial time was bought up by Motrin.

Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker says the Iran deal is like someone leaving their sons unattended with girls. Which shows who has been spending his spare time watching episodes of all those shows featuring the Duggars.

Jeb Bush gave a speech where he left the door open for the use of torture. Mostly when he confirmed he will be present at the next presidential debate.

A report says that Al Gore is considering a run for President in 2016. The word is that he will only sign on if the new agreement with Cuba includes them taking Florida before the vote.

A report says that Al Gore is considering a run for President in 2016. Apparently he feels he has a better chance with the Supreme Court picking him under John Roberts than he did with William Rehnquist.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Thanks for continuing to read the blog every day. While I am disappointed at falling a bit short of my goal of 7 Billion daily readers, I am encouraged by the latest study showing that the world population will be over 11 Billion by the end of the century. That puts my goal much more in reach. So I still need all of you to spread the word about the blog as best you can because we only have 85 more years until 2100. In the meantime, I will just be satisfied that you all enjoy the jokes and take some time once in awhile to remember to send the love!