Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Donald Trump says the income tax code needs to be simplified. Which has already been taken care of by the millions of Americans who thanks to Republican economic policy no longer have an income.

Donald Trump says the income tax code needs to be simplified. Trump has already figured it out by whenever he gets to the point where he may need to pay some tax he just declares bankruptcy.

The U.N. says the world population will reach 11.2 Billion by the end of the century. Although there is one solution that can drop that number dramatically. Make Kevin Federline get a vasectomy.

A report says that Millennials no longer go out to clubs. Mostly because they figure why go out to a dark and smoky nightclub full of strangers to meet someone when you can do the same thing on a dating site in the safety and comfort of your parents’ basement.

China has cut the rate of the Yuan by 1.9%. The devaluation means the U.S. now has a chance of paying off their debt to China decades ahead of schedule, as early as some time in the 25th century.

President Obama has called for a massive boost in the power of supercomputers. He says he wants computers to be so fast that someone can actually get through the Obamacare website in less than three days.

President Obama has called for a massive boost in the power of supercomputers. Mostly in preparation for the first Millennial president who will have to run the country’s economy and foreign policy from the same computer they are on “World of Warcraft” 16 hours a day.

California Governor Jerry Brown has banned the word “alien” from state labor laws. Apparently he will reconsider the decision as soon as the state gets its first employment applications from the Andromeda Galaxy.

California Governor Jerry Brown has banned the word “alien” from state labor laws. Donald Trump says he will do the same thing in effect when he is elected and bans all aliens from the country.

Astronauts on the International Space Station ate the first salad grown in zero gravity. Which was good news in that the weightlessness of the tasteless vegetables made it just as easy coming back up as it was going down.

A study says that people who eat fried foods and sugary drinks have a 56% higher risk of developing heart disease. The news hit some people so hard they are now ordering their triple cheeseburger with onion rings and stick of butter to go easy on the bacon.

Three managers at Lowe’s have been fired after granting a customer’s request to only allow a white driver to deliver their merchandise. Apparently the order was for a big screen TV that the customer was buying to binge watch “Friends.”

McDonald’s says it is planning to shrink by 59 locations this year. Which is significant because it is the first time “McDonald’s” and “shrink” have ever been used in the same sentence.

A report says that only 10% of the people living in San Francisco can afford to buy a house. What’s even worse is that the house they can afford to buy is somewhere in Nevada.

A report says that only 10% of the people living in San Francisco can afford to buy a house. The good news is that the other 90% have already been prequalified for foreclosure.

Secretary of State John Kerry says it is “very likely” his e-mails have been read by the Russians and Chinese. Although the way to get around that is to pretend they are being sent by Joe Biden.

Secretary of State John Kerry says it is “very likely” his e-mails have been read by the Russians and Chinese. To which Hillary Clinton just wants to know how to keep e-mails from being read by the Republicans.

Hackers who stole corporate press statement before they were released made $100 in profits from the inside information. The hackers are facing years in prison for impersonating a CEO.

The New York Jets linebacker who sucker punched quarterback Geno Smith was fired, losing his $1.8 Million contract. Which in New York City means he will no longer be able to afford his fifth floor walkup co-op in the Bronx.

A New York Jets linebacker sucker punched quarterback Geno Smith over $600. He lost his $1.8 Million salary but the good news is he still qualifies for payment from the New Orleans Saints under their bounty plan.

Data says that flights on Spirit Airlines have a 50-50 chance of arriving late. It could be worse for people who book the other half of their flights with Malaysia Airlines.

Traveler complaints against airlines are up 20% for the first half of 2015. To which the airlines are saying they still have six months including the upcoming holiday season to even get those numbers up more.

Traveler complaints against airlines are up 20% for the first half of 2015. Which is good news for investors in United as it means their business has obviously gone up somewhere around 20%.

A study says that out of state vacationers picked California as their top destination over the summer. Mostly so they could see how other people who can’t afford to live in the state actually try to do it anyway.

A study says that math anxious parents can hurt their kids’ achievements. Especially when they start explaining the math that shows their children they will be somewhere in their middle 40s before they can pay down their tuition loans.

A study says that yoga is just as safe as other exercises. Which comes as a relief to most Americans who have just as much of a chance of getting off the couch to try yoga as they do any other exercises.

Scientists say that rear ends alone are not enough to make people attractive. The study was conclusive as it was put together by a team of crack researchers.

Scientists say that rear ends alone are not enough to make people attractive. Which is too bad because it’s just such a waste of a great behind on Duchess Camilla.

A man has posted pictures of himself in a coma as a warning against using drugs. What was even worse was the hospital staff posting pictures of him getting sponge baths from all the male nurses.

A study says that frozen eggs have a lower live birth rate than fresh eggs. Which is probably why you just don’t see that many Eskimos around anymore.

A toxicologist is calling the chemical spill into a river in Colorado a “major, major problem.” It has gotten so bad that they are thinking of changing the river’s name from the “Animas” to the “Enimas.”

Meghan Trainor has had to cancel her tour because of of a vocal cord hemorrhage. Apparently it has left her voice with no treble.

Meghan Trainor has had to cancel her tour because of of a vocal cord hemorrhage. Which is a real disappointment for the three people who actually bought advance concert tickets.

Winona Ryder says there will be a “Beetlejuice 2.” Just as soon as Michael Keaton can get that costume back from Robin Thicke.

Winona Ryder says there will be a “Beetlejuice 2.” Which will be confusing for anyone under 40 who is saying “There was a ‘Beetlejuice 1’?”

A former intern is suing the Olsen twins. To which a very worried Bill Clinton is asking “They can do that?”

Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc were not invited to the wedding of “Friends” costar Jennifer Anniston. What’s worse is that David Schwimmer was even more shocked to find out he wasn’t the groom.

A brewery in Indianapolis took a pot shot at Tom Brady on their cans of Sun King beer. What was even more of an insult was that the cans came only half full.

The University of Michigan has banned selfie sticks from their football stadium. Which is pretty easy to do. All they need is to make them unavailable at any local Wal-Mart stores.

Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rogers says the new extra point distance could threaten players’ safety. Especially for any kickers who will have to walk around town in a disguise after missing a point to lose a game.

Tiger Woods says he is using the PGA Championship to get to where he can win tournaments. If Tiger wants to get to where he can win again he should be asking Caitlyn Jenner for tips on how to make it into the LPGA.

A judge has ordered Cablevision to stop an ad campaign calling Verizon “liars.” Apparently the judge is concerned that with the 2016 presidential campaign in full swing people will mistake the ads for political spots.

A judge has ordered Cablevision to stop an ad campaign calling Verizon “liars.” He says the ads will be OK if they become more truthful, like substituting in AT&T instead.

Google is reorganizing into a holding company called Alphabet. The only problem is that “Alphabet” is already being used by BMW. Which could have been avoided if someone had actually taken the time to look up “Alphabet” first on Google.

Astronomers say they universe is slowly dying. Although they do say that it’s been a pretty good run so far for the first 13.82 Billion years.

Donald Trump told an audience that he will do well with Latinos and women. At least the ones who are in the country legally and anyone who isn’t Megyn Kelly.

Donald Trump says he will lay out his policy proposals soon. Which will probably be a continuation of his current policy of insulting and belittling anyone who doesn’t agree with him.

A poll says that Democrats are split about Joe Biden running for President. Half want to vote against him because he won’t stop talking and the other half are holding off on their decision until he actually finishes a thought.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A happy and sad day for me today. It’s my 21st wedding anniversary, which is the happy part. The sad part is that my awesome wife Karen passed away before we could get to number 17. I miss her every day, but fortunately she left me with a great daughter who constantly reminds me of her and makes my life much more meaningful and fun and a lot less lonely. Fortunately, writing the jokes helps take my mind off things and lets me move ahead. I appreciate all of you for reading the blog every day, and of course the real bonus is when you all take the time to remember to send the love!

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