Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Pentagon has changed guidelines saying it is permissible to kill journalists whom they label as “unprivileged belligerents.” To which Donald Trump is now asking if he can arm himself at the next Republican debate hosted by Megyn Kelly.

A Louisiana man has been sentenced to a year in prison for printing $100 bills in a hotel room at a casino. Apparently he was caught when he tried to use currency inside the casino that didn’t bear the picture of Wayne Newton.

A Louisiana man has been sentenced to a year in prison for printing $100 bills in a hotel room at a casino. Apparently he didn’t realize that having a gaming license is the only legal way to actually print money.

A report says that online news has overtaken television as people’s primary source of news. Mostly since Jon Stewart signed off from “The Daily Show” and there are no legitimate TV news programs left on the air.

A report says that air pollution from China is now arriving to the U.S. west coast. It seems they need to go back and make that wall just a little bit higher.

Elvis Presley’s private nurse says she is going to release a book about her years with the singer. Since he died at age 42, the working title is “Worst Nurse Ever.”

Elvis Presley’s private nurse says she is going to release a book about her years with the singer. Unfortunately for Elvis her training was in medicine dispensing and not as a dietitian.

A climate study says that several species of butterflies are on the brink of extinction. The good news for any proponents of the chaos theory is that it will also mean the end of hurricanes.

Coca-Cola has funded scientists who are shifting the blame for obesity from diet to lack of exercise. Their research shows that people can continue with their current diet without gaining any weight as long as they run at least three marathons a week.

A study says that people who use social media are more likely to feel inadequate when it comes to their career and looks. Mostly because after sitting on the couch looking at Facebook all day while snacking they can’t hold a job and are now morbidly obese.

A man was found partially consumed after being attacked by a bear in Yellowstone National Park. The worst part is that he was found after the bear answered the question of what it does in the woods.

NASA astronauts are set to feast for the first time on vegetables grown in space. The hardest part was after harvesting the crops figuring out how to get them into those space food toothpaste tubes.

Seattle is weighing a new “violence” tax on guns and ammunition. Because the last thing you want is people walking around heavily armed after just drinking three double espresso cafe mochas.

Seattle is weighing a new “violence” tax on guns and ammunition. Although anymore, the blame should be put on the real cause of the latest rash of shootings. Movie theaters.

Spin magazine founder Bob Guccione, Jr. says today’s music is “no good.” Which means he has officially become old.

Spin magazine founder Bob Guccione, Jr. says today’s music is “no good.” He sold the magazine back in 1977 and now just sits on his porch yelling at kids to get off his lawn.

Spin magazine founder Bob Guccione, Jr. says today’s music is “no good.” He also says  in a letter as the son of the founder of Penthouse magazine he never imagined this would ever happen to him.

A man was arrested in Alabama for beating a town’s mayor outside a barbershop. The worst part is that the mayor was beaten before he had a chance to go inside and get his mullet trimmed.

The FAA is being accused of hiding a study showing that air traffic controllers’ scheduling often lead to chronic fatigue. The study was found where it was stashed away, inside one of the mattresses next to an airport tower control panel.

The FAA is being accused of hiding a study showing that air traffic controllers’ scheduling often lead to chronic fatigue. It turns out the entire report is made up of 160 pages of “zzzzzzzzzzz...”

A man in Spain was gored to death while filming a bull run on his cellphone. The sad part is that he wouldn’t have been gored if he hadn’t been taunted for being too scared to get any closer by Siri.

Facebook says that “haha” and emojis killed the use of the term “lol.” To which most users are saying SMH, IBIWISI and DBEYR.

A report says that a majority of New Yorkers want to see Wal-Mart come to the city. Mostly for people who like to balance out a day of shopping at Tiffany’s and Louis Vuitton by being able to stop by on the way home to pick up a 24 case of mayonnaise.

Columbia House music club has filed for bankruptcy. Their reorganization plan calls for paying their largest creditor full price with everyone else getting a penny each for the life of the contract.

BMW is working on technology that will help its drivers time traffic lights better. Although most people buy a BMW in the first place so they can beat all the lights by blasting down the boulevard at 94 miles an hour.

Adobe is offering new moms who work there 26 months of paid maternity leave. Mostly so the other employees don’t have to spend the next six months being constantly bothered at their desk with the latest round of baby photos.

The Post Office has reduced its quarterly loss down to only $586 Million. Although postal officials say they could completely wipe it out if they could only get approval for their plan to raise the price of a First Class stamp to $74.

The Post Office has reduced its quarterly loss down to only $586 Million. The good news is that the term “going postal” no longer means homicidally insane but instead translates to hopelessly broke.

The Federal Reserve says they may hike rates as the economy is now “near normal.” Which if this is considered normal is great news for people who have been nostalgic for turning back the clock to 1932.

13 rowers on the U.S. Olympic Team came down with a stomach illness while practicing in Brazil. U.S. Olympic officials are now being criticized after previously being advised that all athletes going to Rio should be properly acclimated by spending some practice time in New Jersey.

A study says that women are more responsive to romance if they are not hungry. To which men are saying they had better be, especially if they have just downed three bottles of Champagne and a lobster dinner.

A study says that steroids can help speed the recovery from pneumonia. After which the Baltimore Orioles had the entire starting roster placed on the disabled list with upper respiratory infections.

Experts say that depressed teens should be screened for heart disease. And any teenagers who aren’t depressed should be screened to find out what kind of drugs they must be taking.

A Seattle woman is suing a clinic after she found out instead of getting birth control shots she was getting shots for the flu. Apparently she didn’t realize that it was a Catholic clinic where a flu shot falls into their standards of allowable birth control.

A study says that runners spend 32% of the time they are exercising thinking about the pain and discomfort they are in. And that is just the women who decided to go for a jog wearing their Lululemon pants.

A study says that runners spend 32% of the time they are exercising thinking about the pain and discomfort they are in. The other 68% of their time is wondering which of their pains and discomforting feelings will actually be covered by their health plan.

Scotland says it will prohibit genetically modified crops. Apparently they don’t want anything unnatural being used that could have any chance at spoiling the experience of eating haggis.

Scotland says it will prohibit genetically modified crops. They say if they wanted to be genetically modified they would mate with the Irish.

Scotland says it will prohibit genetically modified crops. Unless someone comes up with a way to grow barley that would make for a higher proof number when distilling Scotch.

A U.S. track star was kicked off the national track team for refusing to sign a Nike contract. Nike says the only people who can get out of signing a contract with them are their Chinese workers who won’t be legally adults for another 12 years.

Megyn Kelly says she won’t apologize over her clash with Donald Trump “for doing good journalism.” Which means she still owes everyone else an apology for every show she has ever done on Fox News.

A nursing union has endorsed Bernie Sanders for President over Hillary Clinton. Mostly because they know they have a better chance of signing up Sanders as a patient a lot sooner than they do with Hillary.

An Ohio high school student has been indicted for giving a pot brownie to one of his teachers. The good news is that he has been offered a job in the athletic nutrition department at Ohio State University.

Black Lives Matter protesters have been interrupting rallies for Bernie Sanders, saying he hasn’t been addressing issues of criminal justice and race. To which Sanders says he has done everything he can to work with the four black families who actually live in his state of Vermont.

Hillary Clinton says she went to Donald Trump’s third wedding “for fun.” Mostly because she was looking for something to do and it was a weekend so Bill already had a date.

Bristol Palin is slamming Fox News over its dust up with Donald Trump. And who knows dust more than the woman whose mother was the running mate of John McCain?

Actress Melissa Gilbert has announced she is running for Congress in Michigan. Apparently she wants to be a member of the Little House of Representatives on the Prairie.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Another successful day of writing jokes. Meaning I was able to get out of bed and over to the computer. This Donald Trump thing is amazing. Who thought someone could be a bigger jerk and bully than Chris Christie? Only Trump is funny. Although either one is OK because even on a slow day each of them gives the opportunity for some cheap hair or fat jokes. All I know is that it makes my life easier having all these Republicans around trying to make each other look worse than they already do. The only thing that is better is when you all remember to take the time to send the love!

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