Sunday, August 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The federal government is reportedly working on robots that can help dress the elderly. The hardest part is finding an outfit for elderly men, which starts with picking out a lime green pair of polyester pants that can be worn up around the chest.

A city in Iran had a heat index of 165 last week. No wonder they want access to nuclear weapons. They want to start an atomic war to cause nuclear winter so they can finally cool down into the low triple digits.

Congress has taken off for a five week recess. Members of Congress need that time off so they can get campaign contributors to give them more money so they can run for office again to spend all of ours.

Congress has taken off for a five week recess. Members of Congress like to have at least one month of the year where they can say that they didn’t push the country even more hopelessly into debt.

A report says that humans are evolving into a gait featuring a “text shuffle” while walking and looking at their cellphones. Which when you see what people are looking at on their phones completely contradicts the use of the word “evolving.”

Three people were caught performing an exorcism in a park in Texas. The problem is that it apparently didn’t work, as the very next day there was a reported sighting of Rick Perry.

A Chinese factory reportedly replaced 90% of its workers with robots. The saddest part was when all the laid off workers had to come home with a pink slip pinned to their outfits that had to be signed by their moms.

A report says the extended slump in oil is hurting the industry and the economy with a reduced workforce. Oil companies have seen sharp layoffs at every level. The only workers who are safe are the CEOs’ chauffeurs, personal chefs and butlers.

California has launched a “drought shaming” website that exposes people who are wasting water. Although Californians would rather be called out on that site than the one that points out which people can’t afford to drive a Porsche, BMW or Mercedes.

Hillary Clinton’s doctor says she has no serious health issues that would interfere with her running the country. The only problem she has had over the past several years has to do with overextended ligaments from flinging too many pieces of White House China.

Hillary Clinton’s doctor says she has no serious health issues that would interfere with her running the country. She takes medication for her thyroid, blood clots and allergies. Which explains why she wants to be President as she needs a government job to keep her insurance to be able to afford the prescription copays.

Hillary Clinton reportedly requested a book to help her send better e-mails. Hopefully she was able to go to the publisher to get her money back for that one.

A survey says that half of all college students don’t check their credit scores. Mostly because they know once they graduate and can’t keep up with the payments on their tuition loans they won’t have one anyway.

Facebook’s use of a facial recognition tool is generating complaints about violating users’ privacy. Because privacy is very important to people who like to tell us who they are dating, post pictures of what they are eating and say how much they hate their jobs.

Facebook has unveiled a drone that will be able to provide Internet access for the 4 Billion people who are not connected. Because there is nothing that the people living in the middle of the Sahara Desert would like better than to join Facebook to post pictures of the kebab they have just cooked for dinner.

Facebook has unveiled a drone that will be able to provide Internet access for the 4 Billion people who are not connected. No one had an idea there were still that many subscribers to AOL.

Facebook has unveiled a drone that will be able to provide Internet access for the 4 Billion people who are not connected. Which will enable Mark Zuckerberg achieve his real goal, to make it so everyone on the planet has equal access to 24 hour a day Internet porn.

The Wall Street Journal says the Clintons made $28 Million last year. Which is pretty bad when you realize that Hillary is willing to take a job paying only $400,000 a year just so she can have the health insurance that goes along with the job.

Puerto Rico missed a $58 Million bond payment over the weekend which means they are going into default on their $72 Billion debt. Or as the U.S. calls $72 Billion in deficit spending, “Tuesday.”

A Colorado credit union wants a court to allow the marijuana industry to be allowed to move into the banking system. As opposed to the current method of accounting currently used by marijuana growers, stuffing cash into a sock hidden in their microbus.

A rare pre-Civil War baseball card was sold at an auction for $179,000. Which was a good deal for the person who had the foresight to hang on all those years to that Jamie Moyer rookie card.

A survey says that ID theft is the fastest growing consumer complaint. Mostly because since 2007 their name is just about all that most people have left.

Verizon’s unions averted a strike, saying their workers will stay on the job while contract negotiations continue. It wouldn’t have been that noticeable for Verizon customers who if there had been a strike would just have been told to imagine they switched to AT&T.

Rite Aid pharmacies say they will only display Cosmopolitan magazine if they come in wrappers. Apparently they feel children should not be subjected to adult material in stores, that should be kept for when they are at home looking at porn on the Internet.

Rite Aid pharmacies say they will only display Cosmopolitan magazine if they come in wrappers. After all, pharmacies are not places for people to become aroused looking at magazines but grossed out going up and down the aisles of adult diapers, suppositories and hemorrhoid cream.

A study links salt with high blood pressure. Mostly because the salt just adds even more flavor to the fatty foods that we are clogging are arteries with every day.

A study links salt with high blood pressure. Mostly from people who are getting high blood pressure from being angry about getting told to not eat so much salt.

A study says that earlier research that found Bubonic plague and anthrax in the New York subway system may have been erroneous. Which means the Plague could have been wiped out centuries ago if people only knew to protect themselves with urine, garbage and rat droppings.

Dr. Howard Jones, the pioneer behind the first American IVF baby has died at age 88. Without his work with fertilization, Millions of people around the world would never have had their lives enriched with “Quints By Surprise,” “Jon & Kate + 8” and the Octomom.

A report says that water ways that will be used by athletes in the 2016 Olympics in Rio are polluted with bacteria and viruses. Which means the U.S. Olympic Team will immediately move its training camp for water sports over to the Jersey Shore.

A study says that climbing trees or balancing on a beam can improve a person’s memory. Especially when the limb breaks and they fall 20 feet to the ground and remember why they haven’t climbed a tree since they were six years old.

A study says meditation can improve self-control so people can give up smoking and other bad habits. Now the only problem is finding enough self-control in the first place to put down the cigarettes, remote control and mouse to make time to meditate.

A study says that regular, moderate coffee consumption is tied to better brain health in seniors. Especially when they get their monthly Starbucks bill and can figure out there is no way they can drink coffee regularly there on a fixed income.

A UK woman awoke from having a hysterectomy to find her front teeth were missing. Which is a lot better than going to that same surgeon for a tonsillectomy and having no idea what they will end up missing instead.

General Mills says it will eliminate artificial colors and sweeteners from its breakfast cereals. Which means they will pretty much instead be selling boxes full of ground up corn, wheat and rice.

General Mills says it will eliminate artificial colors and sweeteners from its breakfast cereals. Which means people buying Cocoa Puffs will pretty much just open up an empty box.

A lawsuit accuses CVS of overcharging for generic drugs. The pharmacy says that customers don’t feel a medication is really working until they go in debt trying to pay for it.

The Ryan Seacrest show “Knock Knock Live” has been canceled by Fox after its second episode. Which made TV industry insiders come to the same conclusion. Fox executives must not have watched the first.

The Ryan Seacrest show “Knock Knock Live” has been canceled by Fox after its second episode. It’s being replaced by reruns of “The Last Man On Earth,” which apparently is what people said it would take for them to be to actually watch the show.

The Ryan Seacrest show “Knock Knock Live” has been canceled by Fox after its second episode. It was canceled when they found out that they could actually get better ratings by knocking on random doors and asking people to watch.

WWE Hall of Fame member “Rowdy” Roddy Piper has died at age 61. It could be several days until the coroner signs the death certificate just so he can be sure the whole thing isn’t being faked.

13 year old basketball player LaMelo Ball has already committed to UCLA. Although there could be some academic problems already as he was passed through to 7th grade without ever showing he actually completed his grade school course in finger painting.

13 year old basketball player LaMelo Ball has already committed to UCLA. He had to pledge to keep up on his studies, work out with the team occasionally and never let his father get near his kettlebells.

New york Giants fans who were trying to get an autograph from Odell Beckham, Jr. caused some bleachers to buckle. Which means the official reason for the collapse was that the fans bent it because they like Beckham.

Joe Biden is reportedly taking a new look at a presidential run. The weird part is that with Donald Trump leading at 19%, he feels he actually has a better chance at running as a Republican.

Donald Trump says that he plans to be “nice and highly respectful” during the upcoming Republican presidential debate. Mostly because John McCain hasn’t yet declared himself a candidate.

Donald Trump says that he plans to be “nice and highly respectful.” Mostly because at least six of the other candidates won’t be invited for him to criticize and insult.

A company that offers crowds for hire sees an opportunity in politics during the election year. If not, there is always the original plan of making money from recruiting people to show up so the 200 Florida Marlins season ticket holders don’t think they got suckered.

A company that offers crowds for hire sees an opportunity in politics during the election year. It’s worth it for candidates like Ted Cruz who buy purchasing a crowd can rent professionals who can listen to his speech without appearing completely confused, frightened or bewildered.

A report says that companies owned by Donald Trump hire foreign workers. Which Trump says means instead of outsourcing those jobs he will bring in workers to keep them here and just cut out the middle man.

Lawmakers and civil rights workers marked the 50th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. Or as they call that in the southern states, the 50th anniversary of August 6, 1965.

Lawmakers and civil rights workers marked the 50th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. Or as that is also known, the 50th anniversary of a southerner actually casting a vote for a Democrat.

Lawmakers and civil rights workers marked the 50th anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. Which became completely obsolete in the Presidential election of 2000 when everyone’s voting rights were just instead handed over to the Supreme Court.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Sometimes the comedy gods are stingy, and other times they are generous. Take the upcoming week. Please. Congress takes off for a five week recess which really takes away the potential for several daily jokes about pretty much everything they do. However, just as that is happening we are gearing up for the first Republican candidates’ presidential debate. Golden. That’s a tradeoff that more than makes up for what we are losing with Congress. But only because of Donald Trump. I can’t imagine that not being the highest rated programming of the season. Even all the reality shows combined could never come up with a cast of characters who are that dysfunctional. That is all I could ever ask for. Other than to make sure you all remember to keep on sending the love!

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