Thursday, July 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Singer Ariana Grande was seen at a doughnut shop in California licking and spitting on doughnuts, saying she “hates America” and then making out with one of her backup dancers. People were shocked. There is a backup dancer who is straight?

A report says that people are now branding themselves because they feel tattoos are not permanent enough. Which makes sense because now that we pretty much weigh as the average steer there should be no problem treating us like cattle.

Donald Trump says he has no intent on a third party campaign. Mostly because he has already proven himself to be a fourth rate candidate.

A study says that sleeping pill users are twice as likely to have daytime car accidents. Mostly because they are just too drowsy to be able to drive and use their cellphone to send texts and take selfies behind the wheel like everyone else.

New cyber security laws in China are sparking concerns about censorship. Especially for the people in China with Internet access who are worried about losing their favorites of the current five websites they can log into.

A study says an unhealthy lifestyle can reduce a person’s life span by as much as 23 years. It’s getting so bad that any day you can expect the FDA to start putting warning labels on packages of Twinkies.

A study says an unhealthy lifestyle can reduce a person’s life span by as much as 23 years. In fact, there is almost a direct correlation between the decrease in the span of a person’s life and the span of their backside.

Computer outages this week affected the New York Stock Exchange, Wall Street Journal and United Airlines. It halted stock trading, sidelined the Journal’s website and for United meant business as usual.

Donald Trump says he “can’t guarantee” all his workers have legal status in the U.S. Mostly because he is still trying to verify the birth records of the squirrel that is currently living on his head.

A report says consumer borrowing increased by $16.1 Billion in May. Which is a good sign the economy is improving when people are confident enough to once again become hopelessly in debt.

A report says consumer borrowing increased by $16.1 Billion in May. Which is ironic that people complain that the national debt is ruining the economy but can’t wait for things to get better so they can pile up a debt of their own.

Syria has accepted $1 Billion in credit from Iran. Economists were surprised at the move . Where did Iran get a billion dollars?

Peshawar, Pakistan has issued a temporary ban on plastic pellet guns to stop kids copying violence. Apparently they are getting complaints from potential suicide bombers who say you can’t even walk the street without being afraid of losing an eye.

The New York Stock Exchange had its longest computer closure problem ever, going down for more than three and a half hours on Wednesday. The problem can be traced to switching their computers over to Windows Vista on Tuesday.

Land Rover has recalled 65,000 vehicles for doors that pop open and sunroofs that fly off. Or as Chrysler calls those features, “factory air.”

An analysis says that of all the states, money goes the farthest in Mississippi. Which is ironic in that most the people in Mississippi are trying to save their money to be able to move as far away as they can.

An analysis says that of all the states, money goes the farthest in Mississippi. For instance, caviar and Champagne in New York can cost $300, while in Mississippi it only costs $4.25 for a six pack of Lucky Lager and a bag of pork rinds.

A report says that 71% of the world’s population lives on less than $10 a day. No one had any idea that Wal-Mart had that many people on its payroll.

A report says that 71% of the world’s population lives on less than $10 a day. The other 29% aren’t making any more money, they just figured out a way to live on $100 a day and keep borrowing the other $90.

A survey says the majority of Americans only upgrade their smartphones when they stop working or become obsolete. Which for Blackberry users means the Tuesday after they buy them.

A company is planning to start selling the first 3D printed car next year. The good news is that whenever there is a recall you just have to send the car in by fax.

A company is planning to start selling the first 3D printed car next year. Which will be convenient for owners who will not have to ever take their car in for repairs, they will just call for a home visit from the Xerox service man.

Regulators have fined J.P. Morgan $136 Million for illegal tactics used to go after delinquent card holders. That and for being dumb enough to give out cards to people they know were never going to pay off their balances.

Regulators have fined J.P. Morgan $136 Million for illegal tactics used to go after delinquent card holders. The bad part is that the regulators let the bank put the payment on their Visa card.

Paramount says it will speed up the home release of some of their movies. Mostly any of the ones starring Adam Sandler that pretty much go straight to video anyway.

A survey says that most people say they expect between 5 and 10 people to help them celebrate their birthdays. The rest are satisfied with the more traditional way of marking their birthday with text messages from 1,000 Facebook friends they have never met.

Medicare is proposing paying doctors for end of life counseling. In other words, transferring their older patients over to an HMO.

Medicare is proposing paying doctors for end of life counseling. Until now, doctors have reserved end of life counseling for patients who have fallen behind on their medical bill payments.

Researchers say that genetic testing may help spot male fertility problems. Which is a Catch-22 since if they have fertility problems why would they need to bother with genetic testing in the first place?

A study says that negative thinking can lead to health problems. Which means that sitting around watching TV can be bad for your health but then it gets even worse for the people who are watching the financial news channels.

A study says that people who can stand on one leg tend to also have better relationships. Mostly because the ones who fall over wind up in divorce court without a leg to stand on.

A study says that people who can stand on one leg without falling over tend to also have better relationships. Which makes sense. Have you ever heard of a couple of Weebles getting divorced?

Prince Charles has announced the hiring of the newest Royal Harpist. Which is not to be confused with his wife Camilla who still holds the title of the Royal Harpy.

A water district in California is suing Tom Selleck for stealing water to use on his avocado ranch. The worst part is that he would have gotten away with it except that he was ratted out by Higgins.

Rory McIlroy has pulled out of defending his title at the British Open after suffering a ruptured tendon in his ankle playing soccer. Golfers who saw pictures of him wearing a walking boot just figured it was some sort of head cover for a foot wedge.

A judge has upheld a ruling taking away the trademark rights of the Washington Redskins, saying it is racially disparaging. Although the owner is firm in his stand to keep the team’s name, saying if he really wanted a name that was racially derogatory he would change it to the Trumps.

A porn site is attempting to crowdfund $2 Billion for a plan to shrink two porn stars and inject them into a human where they would be filmed having sex. The only problem is how to also shrink a pizza delivery van and all the pool boy’s equipment.

A report says that vinyl record sales were up 51% in 2014. The only problem was all the time that was wasted by the people under 40 who had no idea how to get them into the slot on their CD player.

Microsoft says it will provide free upgrades to Windows 10 for two to four years. Although most Microsoft users consider it an upgrade in just not having to try to deal with Windows Vista anymore.

Microsoft says it will provide free upgrades to Windows 10 for two to four years. Which is a little disturbing in buying technology that hasn’t even come out that the manufacturer is trying to figure out how to keep from becoming obsolete.

Products are being developed to let people send odors along with texts. Which could be bad news for anyone getting texted as a result of a butt dial.

Time Warner Cable has been ordered to pay $229,000 to a customer they mistakenly targeted with 153 robocalls. Or the company can offer an equal value trade for three months of cable service along with free HBO.

Apple says it is ready to sell 90 Million of their latest iPhone models. Mostly to their customers whose iPhones are already obsolete, which pretty much happened the minute they took them out of the box.

Microsoft says it will shut down its Nokia phone making unit, taking a $7.6 Billion write off. There hasn’t been that big a write off in the computer other than the combined amount of anyone who bought a business computer that runs on Windows Vista.

A study says that spiders can feel it when they are having sex. The only difference is to get in the mood they have eight-play.

A report says a cyber attack on the U.S. power grid would cost the American economy $1 Trillion. Or as paying a trillion dollars and not having any electricity is called in New York, being a Con Ed customer.

Jeb Bush says that in order to grow the economy, “people should work longer hours.” Which is a great idea, and people will follow that advice as soon as they figure out how to change the clocks to make each day contain 36 hours.

Jeb Bush says that in order to grow the economy, “people should work longer hours.” To which even Mitt Romney is saying “Why didn’t you just start talking about the 47% of people who don’t pay taxes again?”

Congress has moved to cut back the government’s role in education. Which is probably a good idea. Why would we want our children’s math curriculum decided by the same people who have put the nation’s bank account $17 Trillion in the red?

GOP leaders are fearing damage to the party with Donald Trump’s inflammatory remarks about immigrants. Although nothing has damaged the Republican Party more than when Trump declared himself a member and presidential candidate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was ten years ago today that I pulled in to West Virginia on my move from Texas. Unfortunately for all of you, I brought my blog that I started while I was in the Lone Star state along with me. It’s been a great ten years here, but it hardly feels like it has been that long. Although anyone who reads my blog will attest that it probably seems like much longer. Anyway, I am glad you are all sticking with me as I continue to crank out the gags. As usual, I never ask for anything in return. Jut that you ask your rich relatives to put me in their will and that you all remember once in awhile to make sure to send the love!

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