Wednesday, July 08, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A new book by an economist explores the wealth secrets of the super rich. Which are mostly have wealthy parents, invest money wisely as in buying off your congressional representatives and make sure you always have a good lawyer.

A survey says the top late night Google searches include “porn,” “lonely” and “suicide.” Although the suicide part isn’t necessary if your wife catches you alone watching porn.

A survey says the top late night Google searches include “porn,” “lonely” and “suicide.” Which is different than during the day when people aren’t as depressed and the main search is just porn.

Carnival says it will be launching a cruise to Cuba next year. The amenities for first class include a private gondolier to row the raft on the trip back to the U.S.

Carnival says it will be launching a cruise to Cuba next year. Apparently the Cuban authorities picked Carnival as the cruise line of choice since their cabins and service remind them the most of the Cuban experience, in particular Guantanamo Bay.

The Census Bureau says that one in five Americans are on some sort of government assistance. The other four are at that awkward point in their lives where they are too old for free school lunches and too young for Social Security and Medicare.

The Census Bureau says that one in five Americans are on some sort of government assistance. The other four are angry at all the immigrants who are sneaking into the country and taking the benefits that should rightfully be theirs.

Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson says he is staying celibate with his new girlfriend. The worst part is that reportedly has something to do with his privates being deflated by Tom Brady.

A report says that economic hardships are leading to a mass exodus of Puerto Ricans to the U.S. In other words, nothing has changed there since 1925.

A report says that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell are at all time popularity lows, at 36% and 35% respectively. The good news for them is that they are still running around 30 points higher than the rest of Congress.

A report says that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell are at all time popularity lows, at 36% and 35% respectively. Which means that 15-20% of their voters have figured out a way to go into the polls and pull the lever with one hand while holding their nose with the other.

An Iranian official says that the U.S. will remain their enemy despite any treaties that are agreed to. In other words, they will pretty much be treating us like every other country in the world.

A study says that some people age up to three times faster than others. Those people are called “parents.”

A study says that some people age up to three times faster than others. Which happens right around the time they receive the notice they are being audited by the IRS.

A study says that anxiety is hereditary and that anxious parents are more likely to have nervous and depressed children. Although the parents don’t really get anxious until they see how much therapy will cost them for their nervous and depressed kids.

A study says that anxiety is hereditary and that anxious parents are more likely to have nervous and depressed children. At least they will be after they get their hands on that study.

Harry Shearer is reportedly returning to “The Simpsons” after leaving over a contract dispute. Not to say the cast is getting older, but Shearer’s has to step up his energy level a notch when he does the voice of Montgomery Burns.

Doctors have declared former Guatemalan dictator Rios Montt mentally incompetent to stand trial on human rights charges. For one thing, if he was mentally competent why did he pick Guatemala as the place to become dictator?

The U.S. Army is planning on cutting 40,000 troops over the next two years. Apparently it is just a temporary break until Congress and the military can decide who we need to invade next.

A panel of experts says the WHO is not equipped to handle a crisis like the Ebola outbreak. Mostly because of the way they failed to handle the last Ebola outbreak.

A panel of experts says the WHO is not equipped to handle a crisis like the Ebola outbreak. Apparently it was a mistake to rely on a group called the World Health Organization to get through some sort of world health emergency kind of thing.

Paula Deen is under fire for a picture that features her son in brownface makeup. The worst part for Deen is that Donald Trump is now calling for her son to be deported.

Advertising and PR experts say that Women’s World Cup star Carli Lloyd needs to strike fast to cash in on her fame. Most agree she needs to sign her deals before the American public forgets about women’s soccer, like by around four o’clock.

A computer industry forecast says that Windows 10 will not revive PC sales. Although most PC users are just hoping it can revive their computers that are operating off Windows Vista.

Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton have both come out favoring bankruptcy for Puerto Rico. The only question is, if they don’t have a plan for getting a country out of hopeless debt, why do they want to become the chief executive of the U.S.?

Bill Cosby’s shows have been dropped by Bounce TV and Centric because of new revelations about drugging women for sex. Although fans may still be able to watch the programming as it could eventually be picked up by the Crime & Investigation Network.

Google is bringing its self-driving cars to Texas for testing. The cars will be easy to recognize as there will be no one in the driver’s seat and no gun rack in the back window.

AT&T says it will offer cheap, slow speed Internet service for food stamp recipients as part of their acquisition of DirecTV. As opposed to people who are regular customers of AT&T whose plans give them expensive, slow speed Internet service.

Hostess, makers of Twinkies snack cakes which was bankrupt in 2012 is expected to go public with an IPO that could net them $2.5 Billion. Which shows that in America, you can never underestimate the spirit of entrepreneurship as long as it involves non-nutritional empty caloric junk food.

FBI agents raided the Indiana home of Subway spokesman Jared Fogle. Apparently he is taking the Subway thing a bit far as agents said the only thing they found inside was homeless people lining the halls along with the smell of urine.

A study says that high levels of male hormones are more likely to make for financial risk taking which makes markets more unstable. Which shows that the economy would have never crashed if stock brokers would have spent their time on the computer just looking at porn like everyone else.

A study says that drinking while pregnant is still popular in some parts of the world. Apparently the women there feel that they might as well stay with the habits that got them there in the first place.

A study says that drinking while pregnant is still popular in some parts of the world, especially England, Ireland and Australia. Mostly because the people in England, Ireland and Australia are pretty much used to drinking while they do anything.

36 people tested positive for tuberculosis at an elementary school in El Paso. Although school officials were just happy to be able to say there were that many passing grades on any kind of test in a Texas school.

A new program helps New York City residents who are on the brink of a psychiatric crisis. Meaning pretty much anyone who has to live in New York City.

A survey says that 3 of 4 Americans feel the legal age to smoke should be increased to 21. And that the age of collecting Social Security should be dropped to 23.

A study says the stigma of being fat is the biggest reason children are bullied. Fortunately, the problem is close to being solved as our fast food society will mean within a few more years anyone who is overweight or obese will be considered normal.

A study says that women spend five months of their lives deciding what to wear. And their husbands spend five months of their lives reassuring them that what they picked out doesn’t make their butt look big.

A study says that women spend five months of their lives deciding what to wear. While men spend up to eight seconds deciding that something is OK to wear as long as it doesn’t smell too much like a discarded sweat sock.

Studies show that weird rituals help athletes perform better. Like Tiger Woods’ superstition of trying to pick up on a different Waffle House waitress before each major championship.

Rosie Perez says she will be leaving “The View” after less than a year. Which is unfortunate because she was just that close to actually getting a word in edgewise on one of their discussions.

“Teen Mom 2” star Jenelle Evans gave an interview where she opened up about her addictions to drugs and alcohol. Not to mention her obvious cravings to always be on camera.

“Teen Mom 2” star Jenelle Evans gave an interview where she opened up about her addictions to drugs and alcohol. Which explains how she became a candidate to be on “Teen Mom 2” in the first place.

Marshawn Lynch’s agent says his movie about his life is so bad that it will never be released. The only good news is that anyone having to sit and just watch a disaster unfolding will know what it was like to be Lynch on the last play of the Super Bowl.

Former Spurs forward Matt Bonner is blaming his larger iPhone on the drop in his shooting percentage. The good news is that after his three point average fell to 36.5%, it’s not like he has to risk further injury from picking up his phone for calls from any other teams.

A report says that global Internet connectivity still needs work. In other words, there are people who are still doing business with AOL.

A study says that today’s home buyers are planning on staying in their house an average of 20 years. Which is better than back in 2008 when people were planning on staying in their house as long as six months before going through foreclosure.

A study says that today’s home buyers are planning on staying in their house an average of 20 years. Which isn’t good when you consider most of them are moving in with a 30 year loan to pay off.

“Star Trek economics” is the subject of serious study by political scientists and sociologists as it takes place in a world where hunger, war and poverty have been eliminated. Apparently the key is to be like Trekkies who are prosperous because they never have to spend money on expensive interests like dating.

Hillary Clinton says that a woman should not have to share her place on the $10 Bill. Just like when she moves back into the White House she won’t be sharing her place with Bill, either.

The PGA has decided to move its Grand Slam of Golf event from the Donald Trump course where it was scheduled because of his remarks about immigrants. Not only that, but apparently it also had something to do with Trump not replacing the divot on his head.

The PGA has decided to move its Grand Slam of Golf event from the Donald Trump course where it was scheduled because of his remarks about immigrants. Trump was disappointed as he has had a long interest in golf. In fact, that is actually the gopher from “Caddyshack” that is currently living on Trump’s head.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You have to admit, I am a machine when it comes to writing jokes every day. In fact, many people tell me I am as funny as any machine they have ever met. I hope you enjoy my attempts at humor. They are almost as funny as my attempts to make any money with it. Oh, well. At least it keeps me busy. And it is cheaper than golf. But you know the real reason I keep at it. And that is always taken care of every time you all remember to take the time to send the love!

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