Tuesday, July 07, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The world’s oldest person is a 116 year old New York woman who eats bacon and eggs every day for breakfast. Doctors say they won’t become concerned until her cholesterol level actually passes her age.

Dustin Hoffman says that cinema is at its worst in the past 50 years. Film experts are wondering why he picked that amount of time when Adam Sandler has only been around for the past 20 years.

Starbucks says it will raise prices on all of its drinks 5 to 20 cents. The only good news is that the cups just happen to be the perfect size to use for panhandling for spare change to make up the difference.

Starbucks says it will raise prices on all of its drinks 5 to 20 cents. Which is about as big a deal as if Mercedes Benz were to raise prices on its sedans another three dollars.

Seattle has banned smoking cigarettes from public parks. Apparently it bothers the people who are using the park grounds for growing their own stash of legalized pot.

The European heat wave has brought Germany its all time record high temperature of 105 degrees. The whole country is sweating so much it is hard to tell everyone else from the bankers who are waiting to see if Greece will ever pay back their loans.

Arizona is set to try to break the world’s record for the number of people skinny dipping at the same time at 13,648. The only problem is that it confuses some people, because with Americans involved going naked has nothing to do with the word “skinny.”

The water level in Nevada’s Lake Mead in Nevada is at a new low, but at the same time the state is seeing a new surge in tourism. Mostly for history buffs who want to come out to the lake and see some of the legendary gamblers who have been dumped there since the 1940s.

The water level in Nevada’s Lake Mead in Nevada is at a new low, but at the same time the state is seeing a new surge in tourism. The only concern that gamblers have with a water shortage is when they realize that is the stuff they use to make ice cubes.

Greece has voted to reject a proposed bailout plan to help them with their $331 Billion debt. Or as the U.S. calls spending $331 Billion they don’t have, “Tuesday.”

GM is taking shots at Ford’s aluminum-bodied F-150 trucks. Apparently GM is asking whoever thought it was a good idea to use metal to make vehicles?

GM is taking shots at Ford’s aluminum-bodied F-150 trucks. Although if GM would start using aluminum in their vehicles, instead of being recalled all the time they could just be left out in front of the house on recycling day.

Ride sharing company Uber is asking for police protection for drivers and passengers from taxi drivers in South Africa. Although if it is anything like in New York, being attacked by a cabbie is still a lot safer than letting one drive you around town.

Oreo has introduced a new look “thin” cookie. If nothing else, it is the first time that the words “Oreo” and “thin” have ever been used together.

Oreo has introduced a new look “thin” cookie that is not meant to be twisted or dunked. They’re for people who don’t have enough room to carry around regular sized Oreos because their pockets they are already full of weed, rolling papers and matches.

Experts say the Greek economic collapse has put the country on a par with the Great Depression or a country at war. In other words, if it gets any worse they could find out what it is like to live in the U.S.

Warren Buffett says he is giving away another $2.8 Billion of his personal fortune. Which means he is getting set to make another purchase of stock in IBM.

Hillary Clinton says that China is trying to hack into anything that doesn’t move. Which is different than her husband Bill who is still trying to hack into anything that is moving.

Greek banks are planning on staying shut for the next two days to keep from running out of cash. Fortunately, U.S. banks aren’t concerned as it would take nearly everyone simultaneously withdrawing the $5 they still have in their savings account to even be noticed.

Donald Trump says his supporters are cutting up their Macy’s cards after the department severed business ties with him. The only problem is that anyone who wants Trump to be President probably does all their shopping at places that end in “Mart.”

The Finance Minister of Greece, Yanis Varoufakis has resigned. Economists around the world were shocked. Greece has someone in charge of their finances?

United Airlines is investing in a firm that converts trash to jet fuel. It is an obvious match since United will be able to supply all the garbage they need with the discarded boarding passes left over from all their canceled flights.

A report says that U.S. consumers spent an average of $90 a day in June. The bad part is that $80 of that was to pay off the credit card debt that has been piling up since June of 2008.

Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis were married over the 4th of July weekend. The only problem was that when the ceremony was over the wedding party wasted 90 minutes trying to find their limousine.

A study says that researchers have zeroed in on 18 factors that make people age faster. Which coincidentally are all items on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

A study says that adventurous eaters may be healthier. Mostly because anymore, adventurous eating involves people who dare to see what it is like to actually try some fruits and vegetables.

An essay by a Harvard professor says that placebos should be incorporated into medical care. Which is fine with pharmaceutical companies who say in order to make people think they are real they will still have to charge the same as real prescriptions.

An essay by a Harvard professor says that placebos should be incorporated into medical care. Which is ironic in that we will be giving sugar pills to cure people who are in poor health because they have been eating too much sugar.

A survey says that 8 out of 10 doctors have treated patients while they have been sick themselves. Apparently the idea is that there is nothing wrong with drumming up a little extra business whenever possible.

An Iowa woman celebrated her 50th anniversary by donating a kidney to her husband. Although she does admit while he was on dialysis she did appreciate the fact that the toilet seat was finally always left down.

An Iowa woman celebrated her 50th anniversary by donating a kidney to her husband. Most people were unaware that the traditional 50th anniversary gifts include both gold and internal organs.

Michael Eisner told Goldie Hawn that beautiful women are “not funny.” People were shocked. No one had ever heard Dane Cook be described as a beautiful woman.

A friend of Justin Bieber was reportedly attacked by a shark in Australia. Bieber says they were told reef sharks don’t bite. Which apparently he confused thinking that it was safe to go in the water if you smoked enough reefer.

A friend of Justin Bieber was reportedly attacked by a shark in Australia. Although his friend does admit it was still a better experience than going to one of Bieber’s concerts.

Miss Universe Paulina Vega says she is not a hypocrite for refusing to give up her crown after criticizing Donald Trump. She says she will take off the crude, unsightly headgear just as soon as he does.

FIFA is being criticized for giving the U.S. Women’s World Cup team $2 Million after the German Men’s team made $35 Million for winning the Cup in 2014. What’s worse is that most of the Germans’ money went right down the toilet in loans to the team from Greece.

FIFA is being criticized for giving the U.S. Women’s World Cup team $2 Million after the German Men’s team made $35 Million for winning the Cup in 2014. Apparently in order to make money for winning the Cup you pretty much have to be wearing one.

FIFA is being criticized for giving the U.S. Women’s World Cup team $2 Million after the German Men’s team made $35 Million for winning the Cup in 2014. To which FIFA President Sepp Blatter says the women will get more money when their countries start bribing as well as the men’s.

LeBron James says his legacy will “speak for itself.” The only problem will be trying to get the words out past his hands while they are both wrapped tightly around his neck.

Heavy rain flooded the dugouts of a game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Kansas City Royals. For a minute both teams thought they were playing a game in Oakland after someone flushed.

Tennis player Nick Kyrgios is denying accusations that he tanked a match against French player Richard Gasquet. Tennis experts were stunned. It was the first time any of them had ever heard of someone actually surrendering to the French.

Former Miami Dolphins fullback Rob Konrad has reportedly turned down book and movie deals about his 16 hour swim to dry land after his boat sank. He says if anyone wants to know what it feels like to spend 16 hours watching someone in the ocean they should rent “Water World.”

Floyd Mayweather has been stripped of the belt he won by beating Manny Pacquiao in their fight in May. Which is too bad that Pacquiao didn’t think about that during the fight. If he could have taken Mayweather’s belt then he might have had a chance at winning when his shorts fell down.

The Women’s World Cup Final was watched by 26.7 Million Americans. Which beat the old record for a TV audience for women’s soccer by approximately 26,699,998.

Former San Antonio Spurs forward Matt Bonner says the larger iPhone is to blame for an elbow injury that caused him to shoot poorly. Not to say the rest of the team is a bit older, but their complaints of elbow injuries come from dialing too fast on a rotary phone.

Former San Antonio Spurs forward Matt Bonner says the larger iPhone is to blame for an elbow injury that caused him to shoot poorly. Not only that, but he was also rattled any time he was preparing to shoot Siri would yell out “Aiiiiiiir Baaaaaall!”

Dollar Tree has completed its purchase of Family Dollar for $8.5 Billion. It would have been done weeks ago but it took the accountants all that time to count up the payment that was delivered in bags of $1 bills.

A new show on The Golf Channel called “Altered Course” pits golfers against each other to take fewer shots while racing against time. To which the PGA says that’s nothing new, that they recently asked the tour players to try to finish their rounds in under six hours.

A new show on The Golf Channel called “Altered Course” pits golfers against each other to take fewer shots while racing against time. To which most golfers say if they wanted to play golf faster they would ask for bigger engines in their golf carts.

A 78 year old German retiree was caught hiding a WWII tank in his basement. To which he was immediately saluted by the NRA who is saying all this time they have been thinking way too small.

A 78 year old German retiree was caught hiding a WWII tank in his basement. To which American Baby Boomers who still have their kids living in their basement are asking “Why didn’t we think of that?”

A study says that self-driving cabs could cut down on greenhouse gas emissions by as early as 2030. If from nothing other than the fact the cabs won’t take people wanting to go to JFK from Manhattan through New Jersey.

A study says that self-driving cabs could cut down on greenhouse gas emissions by as early as 2030. And that is just from whatever odors are coming out of the cab driver’s window.

Scientists say the Woolly Mammoth could be close to being cloned thanks to genome sequencing. In fact it is so close that they are already starting in anticipation to redesign the Dollar Menu at Taco Bell.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A special birthday shout out to my daughter Summer who was born on this day 16 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday of 15 years ago. I can still hear the words of my wife during delivery, “You did this to me!” It was a great occasion and I am thankful every day that I have her. She reminds me so much of my wife who passed away back in 2011. Summer is like her mom in that she knows how to make me laugh, which is something I am obviously still working on in an attempt to someday get the same reaction from other people. I’ve got lots to be thankful for, and it never hurts when all of you remember to send the love!

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