Sunday, July 05, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Eight time defending champion Joey Chestnut has been dethroned in the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest. Chestnut complained some of the hot dogs were served cold, which is raising suspicions of Nathan’s decision to hand over grilling duties to Tom Brady.

Greek banks are poised to seize a “haircut” of 30% of customers’ deposits to ward off a financial collapse. The haircut idea would never work in the U.S. when the banks realize the entire economy is pretty much a combover.

A poll says one third of U.S. voters say the states should ignore federal courts’ decisions. The other two thirds are content to just ignore the courts when they are sent a summons for jury duty.

A poll says one third of U.S. voters say the states should ignore federal courts’ decisions. Which is evenly divided with one third who say we should ignore Congress and the other third who say we should reject the White House.

Hollywood celebrities are protesting the construction of “gigamansions” in their neighborhoods, some as big as 90,000 square feet. How bad has it gotten when people in the entertainment industry are complaining about an excessively extravagant lifestyle?

Hollywood celebrities are protesting the construction of “gigamansions” in their neighborhoods, some as big as 90,000 square feet. Although Kevin Federline says needs 90,000 square feet if he is going to give each of his kids their own room.

A scientist says a new drug could put immortality within reach. Which is great news for people who would be given the hope of being able to work past 120 and actually start thinking about being able to retire.

The Tunisian President has called a state of emergency. Which in most other Middle East countries was already declared sometime back in the 14th century.

John McCain is warning against a calendar based pullout of U.S. troops from Afghanistan. Mostly because when you are as old as John McCain, you get out of the habit of not planning anything around the calendar.

John McCain is warning against a calendar based pullout of U.S. troops from Afghanistan. Mostly because at this point instead of figuring out which month to bring the troops back we should be looking at which decade.

A report says the Pentagon is concerned about how to fight a “hybrid war” that uses stealth invasions, unconventional forces and propaganda. Even more confusing is the term “hybrid war” which makes some generals think soldiers will be driven into battle in an armor plated Prius.

A report says the Pentagon is concerned about how to fight a “hybrid war” that uses stealth invasions, unconventional forces and propaganda. At least the military knows we can win the propaganda part of any conflict as long as we have Fox News on our side.

A survey says that pessimism and frequently being late are the top reasons employees are passed over for promotion. Although most people are in a bad mood and late because they had to work overtime at the other two jobs they need to make ends meet.

Reba McEntire has sold her home in Beverly Hills for $22.25 Million. The home has seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms and has just been outfitted with a new set of tires.

Reba McEntire has sold her home in Beverly Hills for $22.25 Million. The home has nine bathrooms, three which are actually inside the house.

A study says that 72% of retired Baby Boomers are not working for pay in their retirement. Mostly because they don’t have time to find another job as they are too busy raising their grandchildren living in the basement with their Millennial kids.

A research company says that despite recent attacks in North Carolina, Florida is still the most likely place to have an encounter with a shark. And once again, the least likely place to have to worry about being bitten by a shark is still Nebraska.

A research company says that despite recent attacks in North Carolina, Florida is still the most likely place to have an encounter with a shark. Although most people there would still rather take their chances in the water against driving in traffic with George Zimmerman still on the streets.

A report says the TSA paid $3 Million over the past five years in luggage claims for broken, lost or stolen bags. The airlines’ response was to say “Amateurs!”

Health insurance companies are seeking rate increases of 20 to 40 percent in 2016, claiming that ACA customers are sicker than expected. Mostly from finally getting health insurance and seeing how much they still have to pay for their medical bills.

Health insurance companies are seeking rate increases of 20 to 40 percent in 2016, claiming that ACA customers are sicker than expected. That, and health insurance executives are finding the price of vacation homes in the Hamptons have also recently gone up by 20 to 40 percent.

A V.A. hospital in South Dakota that treated Civil War veterans is facing closure. Which is unfortunate as some Union soldiers have just been notified they have finally been taken off the waiting list for appointments.

The childhood home of Dick Van Dyke could be torn down after being condemned. Apparently the home in Illinois was determined to be too much of a hazard as people living there kept tripping over the living room ottoman.

A poll says that 82% of the audience in “Magic Mike XXL” is female. As oppose to 100% of the audience at an Adam Sandler movie who are angry at the $8 and 90 minutes they will never get back.

A poll says that 82% of the audience in “Magic Mike XXL” is female. The other 18% are men who saw the Roman numerals and thought it was a documentary about the Super Bowl.

Sean “Diddy” Combs will not face felony charges over an alleged assault at UCLA where his son plays football. After incidents involving a shooting and other assaults it is ironic that someone named Combs has had so many brushes with the law.

Manny Pacquiao is hitting back at Floyd Mayweather after an Instagram post where Mayweather called him a “lost soul.” Which wouldn’t have been necessary if Pacquiao had instead decided to hit back sometime while the two of them were in the ring.

NASCAR says it won’t use Donald Trump’s Doral Miami resort for its annual banquet. Not because of Trump’s recent comments about Mexican immigrants, but because they just would feel a lot more at home holding their event at the Waffle House.

NASCAR says it won’t use Donald Trump’s Doral Miami resort for its annual banquet after his comments about Mexican immigrants. Who ever thought a NASCAR paved oval track would one day be seen as the high road?

The President of France has denied WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s request for protection. Apparently he feels it is a publicity stunt, because if anyone was really in fear of their life why would they go to the French for protection?

A new iPhone case is being marketed that looks like a gun. The only drawback is that it only works on phones that will take calls exclusively from area codes in Florida.

A report says the new job market normal will be for a smaller workforce along with lower pay. In other words, the job that you had to try to make some extra money when you were in college will also be the job after you graduate.

A report says that optimism in the economy by small businesses is falling. Especially the small businesses that because of the economy used to be big businesses.

A report says that historians are baffled by a handprint smudge in the bottom left corner of the Declaration of Independence. Which is different than the smudges left by the Supreme Court justices in their attempts to completely obliterate the Constitution.

Donald Trump says he is “surprised” at the backlash from his remarks about Mexican immigrants. In fact the other day he was even actually bitten by the squirrel that lives on top of his head.

Jeb Bush says he doesn’t need his family name to win the presidency. Just all the corporate campaign donations that come with having that name.

Jeb Bush says he doesn’t need his family name to win the presidency. Although someone should tell him at this point he would have a better chance with voters if his family’s name was Nixon.

JetBlue has begun direct flights from New York to Cuba. So far the only fares offered are one way but include an inflatable raft for the trip back.

JetBlue has begun direct flights from New York to Cuba. Even though diplomatic relations haven’t been completely restored, the airline figures they will by the time any of their scheduled flights there actually get off the tarmac.

Hispanic leaders say the GOP must condemn Donald Trump. Which is no problem since there is no way to be more guaranteed of getting ripped to shreds by other GOP members than to announce you are a candidate for the Republican nomination.

Hispanic leaders say the GOP must condemn Donald Trump after his remarks about Mexican immigrants. Not only is Trump losing all kinds of business connections, none of his properties have had their lawns mowed or hedges clipped in three months.

A biographer of Richard Nixon says that Hillary Clinton exhibits some Nixonian attributes. Which means if she is elected President that is just more bad news for Monica Lewinsky.

A biographer of Richard Nixon says that Hillary Clinton exhibits some Nixonian attributes. The only difference is that she isn’t paranoid since her political opponents really have been out to get her for years.

Miss Universe Paulina Vega of Colombia has slammed Donald Trump for his recent remarks about Latino immigrants. Trump says she has the right to her opinion but when she comes back across the border for this year’s pageant she will not be riding in the trunk of his limo.

Cyber experts say it would be impossible to make the government completely safe from hackers. Although most Americans would be happy if we could just make it safe from Congress.

A report says the health care industry has added 135,000 jobs in the past three months. Mostly people hired by the health insurance companies to find new ways to keep them from paying out any claims for patients who have policies under Obamacare.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all had a great 4th of July and that your hearing comes back sometime soon. The fireworks shows are always great, and hopefully one year soon we will light off more explosives here than in some other country 10,000 miles away. Although the news was pretty slow since it was a holiday, I was able to crank out my usual number of jokes without taking a day off. Even though it was suggested I take at least a one day break by popular request. I hope that after the fireworks extravaganzas you still have all your limbs which makes it easier to scroll through the blog. It also makes it a much more simple task when you sit down and take the time to remember to send the love!

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