Friday, July 31, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Census says 1 in 3 young adults live at home with their parents. The other two would like to but can’t fit in the car their parents are living in after being foreclosed.

Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says that government overspending has become “extremely dangerous.” We’re $17 Trillion in debt. That’s like GM finally realizing it might not be such a bad idea to put someone in charge of quality control.

Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says that government overspending has become “extremely dangerous.” We’re $17 Trillion in debt. That’s about as timely as Kirstie Alley looking in the mirror and saying maybe it’s time she considered going on a diet.

Former Fed chief Alan Greenspan says that government overspending has become “extremely dangerous.” Which is right about on schedule for the man who finally figured out last month there might be a problem in the housing market.

Etihad Airways is being sued by a passenger who says he hurt his back sitting next to an obese man. That’s no problem with people flying on airlines in the U.S. who are used to having to contort to keep pulling out there wallet to pay for all the inflight fees.

Iran’s rulers are urging a baby boom to double the country’s population by 2050. Which in a country with so many extremists who are willing to strap explosives all over their bodies could be confusing to talk about another group called “Boomers.”

Hot temperatures in New York City pushed the mercury in a subway station to 106 degrees. Which was refreshing to passengers who were able to enjoy the rare occasion where the fragrance of sweat and garbage replaced the usual aroma of urine.

A live exorcism is set to be aired on Destination America on Halloween. Although they are a little late as Fox already had the same idea next week called the Republican presidential debate.

A survey says that 78% of students prefer digital course material over books. Mostly because it is so much easier to cut and paste off a computer rather than the old way of having to transcribe straight from a textbook when plagiarizing work.

A survey says that 78% of students prefer digital course material over books. Mostly because students can spend their time in class pretending to be reading course material on their iPad while instead be actually watching porn.

Water use in California was down a reported 27%, beating the state’s goal. Apparently it was easy to get men on board once the word got out that Brad Pitt still got Angelina Jolie even though he hasn’t taken a shower since 2007.

Israel has passed a law to force feed prisoners who are on hunger strikes. The same law was tried in the UK but international courts said making anyone eat British food against their will would have to answer to charges of cruel and unusual punishment.

A report says the Allegiant Air jet that almost ran out of fuel on a flight was being flown by two company executives with pilot licenses. Having executives perform additional tasks around the workplace isn’t always a good idea. Would you really want to go into surgery seeing that the hospital CEO wants to take a crack at your hernia operation?

Lilly Pulitzer is suing Old Navy for copyright infringement for taking some ideas for pattern designs. Which is going to make for an interesting lawsuit over stealing someone else’s idea from a company that just happened to use the name “Pulitzer.”

A New York court has dismissed a lawsuit seeking personhood status for two chimpanzees. Which doesn’t look good for the similar legal action brought for emancipation by the wolverine living on Donald Trump’s head.

A New York court has dismissed a lawsuit seeking personhood status for two chimpanzees. The lawsuit was brought by an unknown plaintiff in California who was just identified by the name “Bubbles.”

Government statistics show that gun silencer sales were up 38% over last year. Which shows that in the U.S., it’s OK to shoot someone as long as you don’t disturb the peace while doing it.

Budweiser says that beer sales have been falling in the low single digits. Which is interesting because low single digits represents the amount of alcohol in an entire case of Coors Light.

A report says the average American family pays $231 a year renting cable TV boxes. Mostly because they feel it is important to watch the financial news channels to find ways to quit wasting all their money.

A report says that 13% of all homeowners are seriously underwater on their mortgage. What’s worse is that they just found out that being underwater on their mortgage is not covered by their flood insurance.

A report says that 13% of all homeowners are seriously underwater on their mortgage. The other 87% don’t live in California.

Students at UC Irvine will be asked to identify themselves from a choice of six different genders. Not only that, but they are changing their nickname from the “Anteaters” to the “Caitlyns.”

Students at UC Irvine will be asked to identify themselves from a choice of six different genders. Most other colleges are concerned about only one question on the enrollment form. “Are you paying your tuition in a) Cash or b) Student loans?”

A study says that job stress may increase the risk of taking sick leave because of mental health disorders. Which causes even more stress for the people who are saving their sick days to skip work when they feel good enough to be able to enjoy it.

A study says that job stress may increase the risk of taking sick leave because of mental health disorders. Which is OK because if they miss enough work they won’t have have a job left to stress over anyway.

China is the second fattest country in the world, and a study blames it on children’s grandparents. Mostly because they spoil kids and feed them too much of that hard to resist cadmium rice, rat and donkey meat served on cardboard enhanced buns.

A study says that Americans are cutting back on calories but are still not eating healthy. Which is good news in that people are finally finding the willpower to say “no thanks” to that third Big Mac at lunch.

Psychologists say that in addition to extroverts and introverts there is another class of personality called “ambiverts.” Which sounds more like someone who can be perverted with either hand.

Researchers at Northwestern University have developed an app that charts cellphone activity to determine if the user has depression. Which could be the case if they have used their cellphone to play “Candy Crush” 18 hours every day for the past month.

Researchers at Northwestern University have developed an app that charts cellphone activity to determine if the user has depression. Like the students at Northwestern who use their phone to keep calling the bank to get the latest estimate on how long it will take to pay back their student loans.

A study says that answers that stump people while they are awake may be easier to recall after a night’s sleep. Or at least give enough time to come up with an answer to when your wife is asking “Where were you until 3:00 in the morning?”

A study in Scotland says that moderate to heavy drinking might cut the likelihood for disability for people with chronic pain. Although the number one cause of chronic pain in Scotland is being beaten by moderate to heavy drinking soccer hooligans.

A study in Scotland says that moderate to heavy drinking might cut the likelihood for disability for people with chronic pain. Or as moderate to heavy drinking is also known as in Scotland, “dinner.”

Jules Hirsch, a pioneer in obesity studies has died at 88. What do you call someone who decided to work on obesity back in the 1960s? “Psychic.”

New York City is set to begin a $30 Million program aimed at providing mental health care for anyone living in New York. The definition of mental illness in New York is anyone thinking they can live in the city making less than $500,000 a year.

New York City is set to begin a $30 Million program aimed at providing mental health care for anyone living in New York. Which should be enough to last the city through about noon time.

Actress Jennifer Beals was caught leaving her dog in a hot car in Canada. She says it wasn’t a problem as when she got home she was going to sit the dog in a chair, turn out the lights, pull a chain and douse it with cascading water.

Actress Jennifer Beals was caught leaving her dog in a hot car in Canada. It was in Canada. It barely gets too warm for pets if they are in a car that actually catches fire.

Dior is under fire for using a 14 year old as its main model. People feel it doesn’t do justice using a teenager to model the elegant clothes that had so much effort put in to making them by all those 7 year old Chinese garment factory workers.

Sylvester Stallone is auctioning off memorabilia from his “Rambo” and Rocky” movies. Not to say the characters are getting older, but the latest sequel has Rocky shopping for boxing shorts with elastic that fits comfortably around his chest.

Sylvester Stallone is auctioning off memorabilia from his “Rambo” and Rocky” movies. Not to say the characters are getting older, but the latest sequel has Rambo reading Soldier of Fortune magazines while waiting for his number to finally be called at the VA clinic.

Tiger Woods made four straight birdies in the opening round of the Quicken Loans National tournament. It was the first time in recent memory he has made four straight birdies that didn’t include the holes “Windmill” through “Clown’s mouth.”

Tiger Woods has reportedly fired his swing coach Chris Como. Apparently Como will go back to his old job of coaching kids on how to flail at pinatas.

Four Ohio State football players were suspended for drug violations and bad grades. College football fans across the country were shocked. “No, what were they really suspended for?”

 Four Ohio State football players were suspended for drug violations and bad grades. College football fans across the country were shocked. Although they were being praised by some for going into the opening game already in mid-season form.

The FBI says it is having a hard time convincing technology experts to take jobs in cyber security. Mostly because all the hackers and gamers don’t want to work for the same organization that is trying to put all their pot dealers out of business.

The FBI says hackers are extorting banks to pay excessively high fees or else they will shut down their sites. Bank executives want the hackers stopped and put in jail immediately. Who do they think they are, a bank?

President Obama wants the U.S. to build the world’s most powerful supercomputer. He wants it to be so fast that it can actually process more than three people each day through the Obamacare website.

President Obama wants the U.S. to build the world’s most powerful supercomputer. The computer would perform at speeds of 1 exaflop. That is equal to 1,000 petaflops. Which sounds more like the number of dives by players in the average FIFA soccer match.

Washington, D.C. is reportedly sinking, and could drop another six inches in the next century. Which is still at a much slower rate of sinking than is seen every year in Washington with the Wizards.

Washington, D.C. is reportedly sinking into the ocean, and could drop another six inches in the next century. Although with Congress spending us $17 Trillion in the hole, it’s just amazing the entire city isn’t underwater yet.

Pinterest has revealed its diversity hiring goals for 2016. They want to beat out Apple, Microsoft and Google and next year only hire 99% white and Asian males.

Starbucks new iOS app allows people to order ahead of time with an iPhone and skip the lines. Which gives the user extra time to use their bank app to take out a second mortgage to pay their monthly Starbucks bill.

Scientists recently observed a polar bear making a dive that lasted three minutes and ten seconds. That was the longest any land dwelling mammal has ever been underwater other than anyone still trying to pay off a 30 year mortgage in California.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is finally Friday, time for me to give you all a couple of days off from the torment of reading these jokes. Tomorrow is the start of August, which means we just have September, October, November and 25 days after that until Christmas. Which begs the question why am I not seeing any holiday displays at the mall yet? If you are already starting your holiday shopping, remember I am easy. The best way to make me happy is to remember to take some time and always send the love!

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