Thursday, July 30, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Donald Trump’s presence at the GOP presidential debates is making preparation for what’s to come tough for his competitors. The best plan so far calls on getting them all together for a few rounds of full contact dodgeball.

Tom Brady says regarding his suspension over “Deflategate,” “I did nothing wrong.” Which is becoming about as credible a defense strategy as “If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. In other words, they are taking on global warming because they realize they are getting nowhere in their efforts to try and stop ISIS.

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. Which means instead of invading other countries, the military will now delegate troops to planting trees and to ask people to recycle their cans and bottles.

A Pentagon report says that climate change is an “urgent and growing threat” to national security. Which means the next time we invade another country, our troops and soldiers from our allies will all be required use military vehicles for carpooling.

A report says the Department of Defense is paying $29 a gallon for alternative fuel for military vehicles to promote green energy. Which will be ironic the next time we invade another country for their oil.

A report says that China is pushing to rewrite the rules of the global Internet, taking away control from the U.S. Which finally explains why Mark Zuckerberg has been spending all that time learning Mandarin.

A report says that China is pushing to rewrite the rules of the global Internet, taking away control from the U.S. Apparently they see the Internet as having more potential than a conduit to social networks, recipe sharing and porn.

A study says that frequent social media use could have a negative impact on the mental health of teenagers. To which most parents of teenagers are asking how can anyone even tell?

A study says that frequent social media use could have a negative impact on the mental health of teenagers. Mostly from the embarrassment that comes from posting to their friends on Facebook only to find a “like” or comment from their parents.

A report says that newspaper newsroom jobs have fallen to their lowest level since they were first tracked in 1978. Which is bad news in that it is bound to trickle down to today’s high schoolers who are only prepared for a career in newspaper delivery.

A report says that newspaper newsroom jobs have fallen to their lowest level since they were first tracked in 1978. What’s worse is that the report was originally circulated on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.

A study says that bullying behavior is linked to higher self esteem, social status and a lower rate of depression. Mostly from observing how telling people “You’re fired!” can lead to being a billionaire, TV personality and possibly President.

A report says the world population could reach 9.7 Billion people by 2050. And you thought waiting to download something using dial up Internet service was slow now.

A report says the world population could reach 9.7 Billion people by 2050. Which can only mean one thing. Kevin Federline is single again.

Chinese hackers reportedly breached computers at United Airlines back in May or early June. Apparently they were just detected because United flights scheduled back in May and June are finally making it to the tarmac.

Congress is poised to avert the shutdown of highway funding, but only temporarily. Which shows that the only place there is more gridlock than on the nation’s roads is in the Capitol Building.

A report says there are only four northern white rhinos left on the planet. Which will be down to three if one of them schedules a dental appointment in Minnesota.

A lawsuit could place the standard “Happy Birthday To You” into the public domain. Which means all the waiters at theme restaurants can finally stop having to sing their own corporate birthday songs to customers in order to avoid paying royalties.

Federal officials are investigating why an Allegiant Air jet carrying 144 passengers almost ran out of fuel on a flight to North Dakota. A bigger question was why were there 144 people who actually wanted to fly to North Dakota?

A report says that more Millennials have jobs than did five years ago, and more are also living at home. Mostly because they are claiming their job is cleaning their parents’ pool and mowing the lawn in exchange for letting them live in their basement.

A report says there are safaris that allow people to shoot a white lion for $30,000. Although how macho can it be to use a rifle to shoot a big cat that is known for taking orders on stage from Siegfried and Roy?

Analysts say that T-Mobile could take over the number three spot among wireless carriers from Sprint. Although there is some confusion when AT&T customers say there company is “number 2,” they aren’t talking about how big they are.

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. The other two are still too broke from the recession to qualify for anyone to give them credit in the first place.

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. So who says the American dream is dead?

A study says that 8 in 10 Americans are in debt. Which is encouraging to know there are still that many people who think it’s important to put their kids through college.

Whirlpool has recalled 40,000 ovens for a faulty rack. There haven’t been that many defective racks recalled since health problems were linked to silicone breast implants.

Whirlpool has recalled 40,000 ovens for a faulty rack. Or as GM calls 40,000 recalls for defective parts, “Tuesday.”

Fiat Chrysler says it aims to repair its broken safety program as part of their settlement with the government over delays in fixing recalled vehicles. Although their contention is that there is no car more safe than the one that can’t make it out of the driveway.

IMF chief Christine Lagarde says the world economy is recovering, but is fragile and faces some downside risks. Which made people wonder if she was talking about global economy or Charlie Sheen’s latest stay in rehab?

Realtors have hired an agency to educate Millennials on what they do. Mostly as a response to what they saw with their parents being convinced to buy a home they couldn’t afford with a loan they didn’t qualify for right before being foreclosed and moving into the family minivan.

A study says that people who text while walking are just as good at avoiding objects in their way as those who don’t use mobile phones while walking. Mostly because after figuring out how to drive, work and socialize all day without looking up from a cellphone, walking is a piece of cake.

A study says that millions of people are reaping the benefits of Obamacare. Mostly Republican members of Congress who are soliciting millions of dollars in campaign donations by running on a platform of repealing Obamacare.

Experts are warning of dangers associated with eyelash extensions. Mostly from people who are wearing them just a little too long and get injured when they trip over them.

A study says that taking St. Johns wort for depression could be dangerous. Especially when the depression is brought on by wasting an hour and a half renting “St. Elmo’s Fire.”

The FDA has approved a “belly balloon” as a weight loss device. Apparently it works by inserting the balloon in patients’ stomachs, and when it is filled with helium they laugh so much at the way they sound that they can’t eat.

A study says that skipping breakfast may be bad for diabetics. Except for the people who became diabetic in the first place by eating breakfast every morning at Krispy Kreme, McDonald’s and Dunkin’ Doughnuts.

Dodgers third baseman Justin Turner was sent to the ER with an exploding leg pimple. To which Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Sammy Sosa are saying “Why didn’t we think of calling them that?”

A study says that girls are born with weaker backbones than boys. At least the boys who don’t grow up to become career politicians.

An eight year old Maryland boy has become the first person to undergo a double hand transplant. To which the boy is saying it happened just in time, because in a couple of more years he will be keeping them pretty busy just about every day.

An eight year old Maryland boy has become the first person to undergo a double hand transplant. Which is not good news for prosecutors in the Middle East who say the technology will just allow career criminals to start stealing again.

A study says that jealousy can drive some people to problem drinking. Which means just think how many real musicians are now on the bottle after seeing Justin Bieber become a major star.

A study says that jealousy can drive some people to problem drinking. Especially people who work at Miller Beer who know they have no chance of ever overtaking Budweiser.

One of Judy Garland’s dresses from “The Wizard of Oz” could be auctioned for more than $1 Million. It could be the most costly blue dress in history other than the one worn by Monica Lewinsky.

The New York Post says that Gisele Bundchen went to Paris secretly to have breast implants. Which means that footballs aren’t the only thing that Tom Brady has been deflating.

Victoria’s Secret introduced their new team of Angels, who say they want to keep their personal lives private. Which they will work on just as soon as they are done with their latest publicity tour where they let complete strangers take close up photos of them wearing underwear three sizes too small.

A new Superman comic will have Lois Lane discover Superman’s secret identity. Which doesn’t say much for her as Clark Kent has managed to completely fool her for nearly 80 years by just putting on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses.

David Faustino from “Married With Children” says there may be a spinoff of the program. The show will be about Bud Bundy finally finding work for the first time since the show went off the air in 1997.

Jerry Jones says that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell made the right decision in upholding Tom Brady’s four game suspension over “Deflategate.” Mostly because the Patriots’ fourth game is against the Cowboys.

William “The Refrigerator” Perry is selling his Super Bowl ring which could be auctioned for up to $1 Million. The ring is adorned with several diamonds, which shows that the fridge is never a good place to try to store ice for long.

Former Olympic goalie Jim Craig is selling his gold medal and memorabilia from the 1980 “Miracle on Ice.” Some of the items being sold include jerseys, goalie stick and several used dental crowns, caps and bridges.

A study says the age of the average U.S. vehicle is 11.5 years. Which would be even older when you consider that there is no Chrysler still on the road that was made after 2012.

A study says the age of the average U.S. vehicle is 11.5 years. Mostly because all the GM cars made after 2004 are still in the shop being worked on for the latest recall.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Those of you who have read this blog for awhile know I like to rant about jokes being stolen by late night comedy writers. While it might sound paranoid, and possibly like a stretch that anyone would steal my gags I am not alone. My good comedy writing friend Alex Kaseberg, one of the best writers around has brought a lawsuit against Conan O’Brien for jokes that were very similar to gags he had put out on Twitter the day before. Now jokes about Donald Trump’s hair are pretty much easy for anyone to come up with, but sometimes there are jokes so unique in content and style there is no doubt that they are being lifted. I have given up on making an issue about this since it never goes anywhere, and frankly I just don’t have time to watch late night TV to check and since Leno retired there really isn’t much on that gets my interest. I am just putting this down in support of Alex and hope he is successful in getting justice and maybe opening some doors for us schleps out here who write for fun and would like to see a little reward coming in if someone else is out there using our stuff and passing it off as their own. In the meantime, I will continue to take my pay in the form of when all of you remember to keep sending the love!

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