Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Tom Brady’s four game suspension over “Deflategate” was upheld by the NFL. Which just goes to show if you are going to get caught abusing a needle by the NFL, make sure it’s only a hypodermic.

A report says that prices are starting to rise as inflation ticks up in the U.S. Which means either interest rates need to be increased, the monetary supply needs to be decreased or Tom Brady needs to be named to head the Federal Reserve.

Homeownership in the U.S. has dropped to 63.4%, the lowest rate since 1967. The worst part is that people are losing the homes they bought in 1967 because they have taken out second, third and fourth mortgages to pay for their kids’ college tuition.

Homeownership in the U.S. has dropped to 63.4%, the lowest rate since 1967. The other 36.6% figure as long as they have a leather bench seat to sleep on and the kids’ video game console has a USB port, living in the minivan really isn’t all that bad.

A report says that the number of Americans not using the Internet has been staying steady at around 15%. Those are the people who are still trying to figure out how to get their VCR to stop flashing “12:00.”

A report says that the number of Americans not using the Internet has been staying steady at around 15%. The other 85% have already crossed the line and can’t imagine life without eBay, cat videos and unlimited free Internet porn.

President Obama says he is “a pretty good President” and could win a third term if he was able to run. To which Al Gore says he thinks if he ran again he could win for a second time.

A neurologist in Boston says he can actually feel the pain of his patients. Even more so when they don’t have enough money to pay their medical bills.

Movie theaters are starting to play messages asking moviegoers to report any “suspiciously strange characters.” Which means they will be bombarded with calls once they reach the release date for the next “Star Wars” film.

Movie theaters are starting to play messages asking moviegoers to report any “suspiciously strange characters.” Which pretty much means anyone who is willing to fork out $8 to watch an entire Adam Sandler film.

John Boehner cried during an interview on The Golf Channel. Is there anything that doesn’t make him cry? He would be brought to tears on the food network if the chef served red wine with fish.

John Boehner cried during an interview on The Golf Channel. Although so does everyone else who remembers the year 2000 and sees what Tiger Woods’ game is like today.

Prince Charles is warning that we have 35 years left to save the planet from climate change. Which coincidentally is right around the time when Queen Elizabeth II is planning to finally move aside and let Charles take over as King.

Australian reality show stars in Syria were reportedly shot at by members of ISIS. The only question is how do we get those same ISIS forces to come over to the U.S.?

Australian reality show stars in Syria were reportedly shot at by members of ISIS. What kind of reality show do you shoot in Syria, other than one where people get shot at by members of ISIS?

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Apparently the pilot could only squeeze enough money passing the hat before taking off to cover paying for a half tank of fuel.

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Which is pretty much the only reason that anyone ever lands at an airport in North Dakota.

An Allegiant Air jet nearly ran out of fuel before having to land at a North Dakota airport that was temporarily closed to other traffic. Apparently the pilot wanted to land at that destination because fuel there is ten cents a gallon cheaper than at other area airports.

The Smithsonian Institution has raised $550,000 to help preserve the space suit worn on the first Moon walk by Neil Armstrong. It was so successful, the Smithsonian is now trying to raise another $3.50 to preserve the suit worn by Ralph Nader since 1964.

A study says that raising fast food workers’ wages to $15 an hour would increase prices by 4%. Which is no big deal to the fast food workers who would then be able to afford to eat something besides fast food.

A report says that Americans have stopped signing up for Twitter. Which is good because it is disturbing enough there are already 34 Million people who actually are on Twitter to find out what Kim Kardashian has to tweet about every day.

A report says that by 2024, health care spending will make up one fifth of the economy. What’s worse is the other four fifths will be for the junk food, alcohol and cigarettes that will make us need the health care in the first place.

A survey says that fewer Americans are trying to avoid eating salt. Mostly because without salt in all our meals, there is just something missing in the way it enhances all the added fat and sugar.

Delta is offering a private jet upgrade for some of its elite passengers. As opposed to Spirit Airlines which considers its elite passengers anyone who can afford to fly Delta.

A paper written by mathematicians says that city traffic is mathematically chaotic. Which apparently means that a butterfly flapping its wings in Nebraska is really the cause for a 50 car pileup in Sacramento.

Volkswagen has passed Toyota as the world’s biggest automaker for the first half of 2015. It would have been GM who made the most cars but dropped down to 18th place after they subtracted all the cars that are currently being recalled.

George Washington University in Washington, D.C. is dropping SAT scores as a requirement. The only numbers the admissions department is interested in is whether the family has a high enough credit score to qualify for the student loan program.

A study says when people smell a sweet and fatty odor they are more likely to eat a high calorie dessert. Which is why when people walk past a Curves for Women gym they immediately start looking around for the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts.

A report says the health care system has reduced the number of deaths, hospitalization and costs for people over 65. Mostly because the fast food industry has made it so half the population never has a chance to get to 65 in the first place.

A study says that instead of drinking less, college students look for ways to limit the consequences of overdoing it. The biggest fear being getting too drunk, blowing the finals, failing all their courses and having to tack another year onto their student loans.

A study says that the higher a person’s income, the more likely they are to drink alcohol. Mostly to show everyone they are really rich when the next day comes around and they can show everyone they have enough money to get their hangover coffee at Starbucks.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Which serves him right for trying to snap a picture before making sure which was the snake’s best side.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Which serves him right for making an asp out of himself.

A San Diego man who tried to take a selfie with a rattlesnake ended up with a $153,000 medical bill after the snake bit him. Apparently he did it after having a flashback to when he was a baby and a photographer told him to “watch the rattle!”

The Olsen twins are reportedly considering a role in the Netflix series “Fuller House.” They just want to make sure their acting abilities won’t be pushed too much so they want to stick with lines they learned for the original series like “goo goo” and “Dada!”

The Cincinnati Reds are celebrating Pete Rose’s all time hit record with a bobblehead giveaway. Fans can hardly wait to see if it will be modeled after Moe-3 Stooges-haircut Pete Rose or balding, bad hair-dye Pete Rose.

The Phoenix Cardinals have hired the first female coach in NFL history. The only difference will be that game film day will instead start out with two hours of cat videos.

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been suspended for 162 games for failing a second PED test. The only question is how bad to you have to be to need steroids to play for the Mets?

Mets reliever Jenrry Mejia has been suspended for 162 games for failing a second PED test. League officials suspected there must be some kind of drug use going on with someone who calls himself “Jenrry.”

The New England Patriots are saying the NFL is “attempting to destroy” the reputation of Tom Brady. Just like Major League Baseball set out to ruin the chances of getting into the Hall of Fame for Barry Bonds, Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa.

The New England Patriots are saying the NFL is “attempting to destroy” the reputation of Tom Brady. There already isn’t much of a reputation left for someone who can’t even avoid getting caught letting the air out of some footballs.

Microsoft, Apple and Google have all signed a pledge to cut carbon emissions. Which isn’t too hard as the only carbon emissions emitted from their products is when men are burping up CO2 from the beer they are drinking while sitting at their computers looking up Internet porn.

The Italian parliament has drafted a declaration of Internet rights. The first result will be the Sicilian version of Facebook instead of having a “like” button for posts by the mob will have a button for “I didn’t see nothin’.”

A report says that 35% of Twitter’s revenue is used to give stock rewards for executives. The bad news is that they get stock in Twitter instead of the Apple and Google shares they are asking for.

A report says that 35% of Twitter’s revenue is used to give stock rewards for executives. To which Wall Street executives are criticizing them for just throwing away the other 65%.

Four lost leaders of the early English settlement at Jamestown have been identified after 400 years. The problem was for the first 399 years they were trying the futile method of identifying any Englishmen using dental records

Facebook has developed an internal anti-bias training manual. The social media company hopes it will help its workforce to become more diverse and unlike now be made up of many different types of white and Asian males.

A report says Internet porn sites were visited nearly 250,000 times on UK parliament computers last year. No one even knew that Prince Harry had office space in the Palace of Westminster.

President Obama has extended the deadline for his climate plan. Mostly because he knows his position on global warming will be more accepted when things really start to heat up during the Republican presidential debates.

Donald Trump says if elected President he would tap Sarah Palin for a Cabinet position. Which would be a good move as she is the only person who would be able to make some of his positions look somewhat sane.

Donald Trump says he is the best candidate because he is so wealthy, he can’t be bought. Although most of his supporters do wish he could be bribed by a barber who actually knows how to cut hair.

A report says that prisoners may soon be able to get financial aid to take college courses behind bars. As opposed to college students who take courses while in between bars.

A report says that prisoners may soon be able to get financial aid to take college courses behind bars. Which ironically could mean after finishing their degree and not being able to repay the loans they could eventually end up in debtors’ prison.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Tom Brady’s suspension for four games over the “Deflategate” scandal has been upheld. Now he is going to have to just spend that time in his mansion in L.A. with his supermodel wife. That will teach him! The main evidence against him was destroying his cellphone before investigators could look at it. He should have just said he loaned it to Naomi Campbell and it came back that way. In any event, I just hope it means the Raiders get to play the Patriots in one of the first four games of the season. That might mean we may only lose by four touchdowns instead of nine. Now that justice has been served in the NFL, we can get back to more important issues. Like all of you making sure you remember to take the time to send the love!

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