Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that Android phones can be hacked by receiving text messages with a picture. Although people are still more comfortable with that possibility than getting a picture sent in a text from Anthony Weiner.

A Google backed company is searching a DNA database to look for genetic patterns in people who have lived exceptionally long lives. Ironically, there are an equal number of people whose lives are cut short because they sit around all day using Google to look up cat videos.

Donald Trump has reportedly sold a Park Avenue penthouse for $21 Million. Not that he’s getting a little ahead of himself, but the latest poll numbers already have him changing the address on his letterhead to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Donald Trump has reportedly sold a Park Avenue penthouse for $21 Million. The price doesn’t include the cost of having someone take down all the wallpaper, portraits and statuary covering the property in the likeness of Donald Trump.

The government has reportedly spent $222,000 for a study on how men look at women when they are drunk. Which could have been done for a lot less money by just having researchers go to a bar five minutes before closing time.

A study says the UK is the destination of choice for the world’s super rich. Mostly because it’s a big status symbol to be able to live there and fly in meals in to avoid having to actually eat any British food.

A study says that sleep deprivation is as bad for people as smoking. Mostly because if people didn’t stay up so late having sex they wouldn’t be having that cigarette afterwards in the first place.

A man was arrested for making it onto a plane with no boarding pass at DFW Airport. Authorities became suspicious as he was the only person in the entire terminal who wasn’t complaining about his seat assignment.

Fiat Chrysler has been ordered t buy back as many as 500,000 Dodge Ram trucks as part of a settlement over recalls. Apparently the company felt it was easier to just buy them back rather than have to replace all but the three or four parts that aren’t defective.

A study says that collisions with other players and not heading the ball are the cause for most soccer concussions. That and players hitting their head on the ground when they flop every time an opposing player comes within ten feet.

A female sprinter with high testosterone levels has won the right to compete against other women. No one even knew that Rosie O’Donnell had taken up competitive running.

A female sprinter with high testosterone levels has won the right to compete against other women. If that didn’t work she figured she could always at least get a tryout with the Baltimore Orioles.

A Swiss army helicopter crossed over into France to help bring water to thirsty cows. The operation resulted in more milk production, better profits for dairy farmers and an unconditional surrender by the French.

A Swiss army helicopter crossed over into France to help bring water to thirsty cows. The Swiss army helicopters are easy to spot. They are the ones with the rotor blades that alternate as a can opener, corkscrew and scissors.

Several cruise lines are offering around the world trips that take as long as six months and cost more than $100,000 that target Baby Boomers. Mostly people who hope being away from the house that long will inspire their kids to move out of the basement.

The Chinese stock market took a huge hit, with an 8.5% loss on Monday. Economists tried to console them by saying that will be nothing compared to when they actually try to get their loan money back from the U.S.

The Chinese stock market took a huge hit, with an 8.5% loss on Monday. The worst news is that thousands of four year olds who have money in the 401(k) plan at their Nike factory have had their retirement pushed back another 20 years.

Fiat Chrysler has agreed to take on an independent safety monitor in light of all their recalls. The worst part is his first directive is to have Chrysler show room salespersons show prospective customers brochures from Volvo.

A website called WFH Ninja is offering excuses that people can use to try to get their boss to let them work from home. So far the most popular one is spending your entire corporate clothing allowance on pajamas.

A 50 cent bet at Saratoga Race Course brought in a payoff of nearly $500,000. Coincidentally, the same bet placed on the Cubs at the beginning of the season to win the World Series would bring in exactly zero.

A 50 cent bet at Saratoga Race Course brought in a payoff of nearly $500,000. Which is not to be confused with the woman who won $2 Million when she bet she could sue 50 Cent over a sex tape.

Wendy’s says it is testing antibiotics-free chicken products. The only concern is that its customers will not enjoy the steroids and hormones will lose some of their edge without the offsetting taste of penicillin.

PETA is now advocating the ethical treatment of humans, mainly handlers who work with wild animals. Although they are still not quite sure how to handle a trainer getting into the pool with Shamu while wearing a wetsuit made out of chinchilla.

A study says that Facebook leads women into trying dangerous diets to try to look like their thinner friends. Which is still healthier than becoming morbidly obese by trying to eat like their other friends who post pictures of all their meals.

The CDC says that Montgomery, Alabama is the most sexually diseased city. Apparently the survey was taken sometime right after a personal appearance tour included a stop there by Paris Hilton.

The CDC says that Montgomery, Alabama is the most sexually diseased city. Mostly because to have sex with any women in Montgomery, men usually have to get so drunk they can’t see straight enough to put on a condom.

A survey says that Americans who are most likely to drink alcohol are educated and wealthy. Mostly because they drink to calm their fears about how they are going to keep any of their wealth after paying off the loans for their education.

A study says that high blood sugar may increase the risk of Alzheimer’s Disease. And vice versa when people with Alzheimer’s eat the second dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts because they forgot they also ate the first.

A study says that only 18% of cosmetic ad claims are trustworthy. The other 72% are when women think using Lancome beauty products will make them look like Uma Thurman or Penelope Cruz.

A study says that only 18% of cosmetic ad claims are trustworthy. The only ads that were even close to being truthful were when Cover Girl showed that their products would let customers look just like a spokesmodel when they hired Ellen DeGeneres.

A study says that low nicotine cigarettes don’t help smokers quit over the long term. The good news is that it will just take their milder cases of emphysema and lung cancer longer to kill them.

A PBS special called “The Bomb” will look back at 70 years of atomic weapons. Although there has been some confusion as many of their viewers mistakenly thought the title meant it was a documentary of the making of all of Adam Sandler’s movies.

An autopsy showed no obvious cause for the possibly drug-related death of Bobbi Kristina Brown. Other than the fact that her genetic makeup came directly from Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston.

Robert Allenby’s former caddie says he doubts the golfer’s story about being mugged at a bar in Hawaii and that it was a result of a drunken fall. Which means that the divot that came out of Allenby’s head can be blamed on a bad lie.

Kobe Bryant says he can play small forward on the Lakers if asked. At least if as usual the other four players remain in their places on the bench.

The NFL says it has new procedures for game balls. Apparently to make sure they are the right PSI they have hired away Mr. Whipple from Charmin to personally squeeze every ball before the opening kickoff.

Russian President Vladimir Putin says that FIFA head Sepp Blatter deserves the Nobel Prize. To which Blatter says he appreciates the sentiment but he already has one as part of the deal to consider Sweden for the World Cup venue.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. Which is unfortunate as fans wanted to hear all the songs about her breaking up with the different players on the Astros.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. That is just part of the deal of reserving a baseball stadium for a concert in October, unless you don’t mind the risk of being a little cold in Chicago.

Taylor Swift has been bumped from an October concert date in Houston because of a potential baseball home playoff game. Which is fine with the fans because they can see Taylor Swift any time, but the Astros in the playoffs may be a once in a lifetime bet.

New technology will allow pedestrians’ smartphones to talk with approaching cars to avoid them being run over. Unless the car runs them over because smartphone is communicating by sending texts back and forth with the driver.

A new invention will give surgical robots a bendable “wrist.” Which will mostly be used so the robot can maneuver with the necessary precision to pick the patient’s wallet while they are out during the surgery to make sure they pay their hospital bill.

A new invention will give surgical robots a bendable “wrist.” Which will come as great relief to men who are on the list any time soon to have robotic surgery on their prostate.

The AARP says that seniors are losing millions of dollars in online dating scams. Which apparently is making things difficult for some of their other members who happen to be Nigerian princes, vitamin supplement salespersons and reverse mortgage companies.

The AARP says that seniors are losing millions of dollars in online dating scams. It’s said to be the biggest online dating scam since every middle aged man’s online dating profile.

Peru is planning to make contact with a completely isolated Amazon tribe. Apparently the primitive tribesmen have already lawyered up and want to sue Jeff Bezos and Amazon.com for stealing their copyrighted name.

Drumstick maker Everett “Vic” Firth has died at age 85. Doctors say his heart just lost its beat.

Drumstick maker Everett “Vic” Firth has died at age 85. The only company responsible for putting drumsticks into more people’s hands is pretty much Butterball every Thanksgiving.

Jeb Bush explained his immigration plan to Telemundo in Spanish. In the interview he simply said “What’s Spanish for RUN!”

A report from a climate group says that climate change could cost businesses up to $13.8 Trillion by 2100. To which Congress says that is no big deal as they have already spent $17 Trillion they don’t have in just the past 15 years.

On President Obama’s trip to Ethiopia, he was in one motorcade while a separate one carried the bones of the 3.2 Million year old hominid “Lucy.” Apparently officials ordered a additional motorcade for fossilized bones when they mistakenly thought that Obama was bringing along John McCain.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This job of writing jokes is not easy. At least on the days when Donald Trump isn’t giving a speech somewhere. But I keep plugging along trying to master my craft while making no money. Which wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t doing the same thing in my real job of TV meteorology. But I do it because I enjoy it and I like knowing that my jokes make people laugh. As also do my forecasts. But until I can land a gig where someone actually gives me some cash for these attempts at humor, I will get my payday every time you all remember to send the love!

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