Sunday, July 26, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Fiat Chrysler is recalling 1.4 Million cars after being showed their cars can be hacked. The only good news is that it took the hackers going through all 1.4 Million cars before they found one that they were actually able to get started.

A town in northern Spain has granted dogs and cats rights as “non-human neighbors.” The declaration means their lives are dignified and protected, so they can now go with their owners on weekends to watch the local bullfights.

A study says that the eight hour workday is a thing of the past, with one of three employees saying they stay at work after hours. Mostly to make up for the time they spend in the office posting pictures of their meals on Facebook, looking at cat videos and watching Internet porn.

A report says that part of the Iran nuclear deal could be the return to Iran of McDonald’s. Who knew the Iranians were less interested in having a nuclear bomb than getting some freshly nuked apple pies.

A study at Ohio State University says that sex and violence in advertising may actually scare away buyers. Researchers at the school found out the only place that sex and violence in advertising still works is when recruiting players for the football team.

A study at Ohio State University says that sex and violence in advertising may actually scare away buyers. If that was really true then why are women in bikinis still in every beer commercial played during the entire NFL season?

A sports car belonging to rapper Grandmaster Flash was mistakenly given to the wrong person by a valet parking attendant. Apparently the valet couldn’t remember whose vehicle it was because he got a contact high from all the smoke still inside the car when he parked it.

A sports car belonging to rapper Grandmaster Flash was mistakenly given to the wrong person by a valet parking attendant. Grandmaster Flash was particularly annoyed at the loss because he just recently had all the bullet holes repaired.

Researchers say the atmosphere on Pluto is thinner than expected and hazy. Which Al Gore is now warning that could be the first sign they are experiencing global warming.

China says it is lifting a ban on making and selling video game consoles. Which will be ironic when the children who would normally be working at the factories making the consoles don’t show up for for their shift because they are at home playing video games all day.

A survey says that Millennials rank retirement savings and paying off debt as their top priorities. The bad part is that the debt they are paying off is from college loans for a degree that gets them a job that doesn’t pay enough to let them put anything away for retirement.

Hillary Clinton says that capitalism is out of balance and needs to be reset. If there is any proof that capitalism needs fixing, it is that it is the very system that put Donald Trump in a position where he can run for President.

The federal government is investigating five airlines for price gouging after the northeast train derailment. All the other airlines were livid, saying “Why didn’t we think of that?”

The federal government is investigating five airlines for price gouging after the northeast train derailment. Which apparently is different from the constant fare increases and gratuitous, unsubstantiated fees they push on their customers all the other times.

Donald Trump is reportedly still battling lawsuits related to his failed Trump University, including one student who says he spent $36,000 and was promised a premier education. To which Trump says what better business education is there than to learn to stop being swindled for $36,000?

Donald Trump is reportedly still battling lawsuits related to his failed Trump University. The students say they knew there was something fishy about taking courses from a college that didn’t even have a Division I football team.

Hulk Hogan was fired by the WWE after it was revealed he used racial slurs on a sex tape. What is even worse for Hogan that since he is a wrestler that the woman he made the sex tape with was faking it.

The FDA wants labels on food packages to cite the amount of added sugars as a percentage of daily calorie intake. Which is easy for food manufacturers who know all they need to do is subtract the percentage of fat and salt and what’s left is the sugar.

A study says that not all pet carriers that are advertised as save perform well in crash tests. Although the crashes wouldn’t even happen if the pets would just learn to stop texting in the car.

A study says that children as young as 8 years old are unhappy with their bodies. Mostly the kids who are at that awkward age between losing their baby fat and expanding on their way towards their adulthood morbid obesity.

A study says that teens who have access to legalized medical marijuana are ten times more likely to become addicted than kids who get it illegally. Which just shows that like with other medications, you still need a prescription to get the really good stuff.

A 563 pound Indiana man is bicycling across the country in order to try to lose weight. He must be serious because he has even enlisted Tom Brady to advise him on how much air to let out of the tires before he puts all that weight on them.

Spelman College in Atlanta has dropped Bill Cosby as endowed professor. Mostly because Cosby seemed to be much more interested in the endowed coeds.

Naomi Campbell has reported joined the staff of “American Horror Story: Hotel” playing the part of a fashion editor. Which is nowhere near as scary as being Campbell’s assistant and getting her mad when she has a cellphone in her hand.

Rapper 50 Cent has been ordered to pay $2 Million to a woman over a sex tape lawsuit. Now that he has declared bankruptcy, the only question is where is he going to come up with the other $1,999,999.50?

A report says that Michael Jackson wanted to play Jar Jar Binks in the “Star Wars” prequels. Apparently he was turned down by George Lucas who wanted to keep the character more like someone who was actually from this universe.

A study says that Eminem has the largest vocabulary of any songwriter. Possibly because Bob Dylan was more into protest songs which limited him from using a wider range of poetic terms like “pimp,” “ho” and “booty.”

Robbie Knievel has pleaded guilty in connection with a drunk driving crash. The bad part is that he could have avoided the wreck completely if he just hadn’t insisted on parallel parking by jumping his car over the one in front of him.

New technology has found hidden texts on ancient parchments that are centuries old. Which is a nice bonus since the technology was originally developed by House Republicans to search out every one of Hillary Clinton’s old e-mails.

Alaska Airlines is using new technology that allows passengers to leave boarding passes and ID behind. Apparently it involves biometric scanners that measure the unique pattern of icicles and frost that form on people’s eyeballs while they are waiting in line for a flight to take them out of Alaska.

Kim Kardashian shared an idea with the CEO of Twitter who responded enthusiastically to have an edit feature that corrects misspellings. Or people could try to learn how to actually use a dictionary.

Researchers have developed a lining material that could be used to contain bomb blasts inside cargo holds. If it proves successful, it could also be used to wrap around the seat on any flights that is assigned to Alec Baldwin.

Shares of Amazon.com stock have risen nearly 27,000% since its first day of trading. Which makes market experts wonder how many stock brokers have jumped out the window after realizing they passed that over back in the ‘90s to put their entire investment portfolio with Pets.com.

Anonymous claims it has hacked into the computers at the Census Bureau. Which if they purge all their records would mean all 320 Million Americans counted in the last census will now pretty much be anonymous.

Bernie Sanders says that the national child care system is a disaster. Which for him means he has to spend several hours every day out on his porch yelling at those kids to get off his lawn.

Bernie Sanders says that the national child care system is a disaster. Why can’t we just be more like China and have those kids pulling 16 hours shifts in a Nike factory?

The FBI says that China is the biggest economic threat to the U.S. Especially if they decide one day to make us actually pay back the trillions of dollars they have loaned us.

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans think that race relations in the country are bad. Nothing points to that more than in the past few years seeing the cancellation of both “Soul Train” and “Sabado Gigante.”

A poll says that 6 in 10 Americans think that race relations in the country are bad. Especially when they notice the other 4 seeing nothing wrong with flying the Confederate flag on their porch.

A poll says that Donald Trump is one of the best known but least liked in the field of Republican presidential candidates. Even more interesting is that both of those numbers keep increasing ever time he gives a speech.

Satanic worshippers in Detroit have unveiled an eight foot tall Satanic statue amidst dozens of protesters. The reason there are so many Satanic worshippers in Detroit is because they know when they die, they won’t end up very far from home.

Satanic worshippers in Detroit have unveiled an eight foot tall Satanic statue amidst dozens of protesters. The reason there is so much Satanic worship in Detroit is because the people there know that Hell will consist of buying a brand new GM and having to wait through eternity to get it back from all the recalls.

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. Now the only thing the students will have to solve for “x” is which enrollment application forms to put that mark on.

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. Which is unfortunate as that would come in handy when students graduate and want to figure out how many hours they will have to work at minimum wage to pay off all their college loans.

Missouri is considering ending algebra as one of its requirements for college. To which students in Alabama are asking “What are requirements?”

Missouri is considering ending required algebra for college. The only algebra colleges care about now is for their quarterback to know how long he must wait for his receiver to run down the field before launching a 60 yard pass.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. Which is better than after they reach 60, when they will then live pretty much every year in poverty.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. Which is good news for most people who already got that out of the way between 2007 and now.

A study says that around 60% of Americans will live in poverty for at least a year before they are 60. The other 40% will get around that by not going to college and taking out any tuition loans.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s back to the grind. Hope these jokes take some of the gloom away on your Monday. Mostly because you know there are only four more days in the rest of the week for me to do any writing. I am glad that you log in every day to read the blog. Surprised, but glad. And of course, you know I never charge a thing. Mostly because I haven’t found anyone who will actually fork out any cash if I asked. Instead, I always get my rewards when you all remember to take the time to make sure to send the love!

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