Friday, July 24, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. Apparently his advice to all clients who are dealing with a crisis will be “don’t do anything I did.”

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. The same firm is considering hiring Tom Brady to head up its ethics division.

Anthony Weiner has been hired by a crisis P.R. firm in New York City. Apparently they want someone familiar with politics on board when they get the inevitable call for help from the Donald Trump campaign.

A report says the wage gap between CEOs and workers has jumped to a record high 373 to 1. Which means it is easy to calculate the salary of a company’s CEO, just multiply 373 times the current minimum wage.

A study says American teens are having less sex, especially boys. Mostly because the boys are being shut out with all the competition from middle aged men on Myspace.

A study says American teens are having less sex, especially boys. The study says the reasons are fear of disease, not wanting an unplanned pregnancy and that boys are finally telling the truth.

A study has found a link between college students’ majors and their parents’ income. For instance, anyone who graduates with a degree in philosophy must have very wealthy parents who can support them through their lifelong unemployment.

A study has found a link between college students’ majors and their parents’ income. Mostly meaning that any students with majors like law or medicine that requires postgraduate education are being dropped off at school every morning in a limousine.

An opening date for the movie “Jurassic World” has already been set for June 22, 2018. If that was an Adam Sandler film, it would mean the screenwriters would have to start work on June 21, 2018.

An opening date for the movie “Jurassic World” has already been set for June 22, 2018. If producers for a “Star Wars” or “Star Trek” movie  did that there would immediately be lines of people dressed as Cylon warriors at every movie theater in the country.

United Airlines reported a record quarterly profit of $1.2 Billion. The company attributes their success to more efficiency, fewer frills and fuel savings from not having any planes that have actually taken off on a flight in the past two years.

A report says that 86% of Etsy businesses are owned by women. Business experts were surprised at the other 14%. They had no idea any men had ever even heard of Etsy.

AT&T is planning to boost activation fees for new customers. Which wouldn’t be a problem for most people if it meant that doing it would actually guarantee their AT&T device would become active when they try to use it.

Buick is launching a new plan called the “24 Hours of Happiness Test Drive” which allows prospective buyers to try out a car for a full day. As opposed to Chrysler owners who are happy if their car makes it 24 hours without needing to call roadside assistance.

Buick is launching a new plan called the “24 Hours of Happiness Test Drive” which allows prospective buyers to try out a car for a full day. The only question is whether the name for the promotion came from Madison Avenue or off some Buick executive’s fortune cookie.

Donald Trump says Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” wants him on as a guest. Although from a ratings standpoint, Comedy Central executives would rather sign him on as permanent co-host.

Donald Trump says “The Daily Show” wants him on as a guest. Mostly the writing staff who know they would get a day off because no one could ever write anything as comically bizarre as an hour of Donald Trump in front of a camera.

Google says it is testing self-driving cars in tricky road situations. For instance, they want to test the car in real Los Angeles conditions such as knowing directions to Dodger Stadium and also to make sure to drop the passengers off in the third inning and come back to pick them back up in the sixth.

Moody’s is admitting it miscalculated subprime bond ratings seven years ago. Apparently they wanted to just be sure and hold off on announcing the mistake until the last home with a subprime loan from 2008 had finally gone through foreclosure.

Carnival Cruise Lines has settled a claim over discrimination against people with disabilities. Apparently Carnival thought it was enough to equip all their wheelchairs with a sail and rudder for when the ship inevitably goes down.

Carnival Cruise Lines has settled a claim over discrimination against people with disabilities. Part of the suit was to lower the height of the railings so people in wheelchairs have the same opportunity to lean over the side of the ship to get sick.

A report says that Comcast is not suffering from the effects of cord cutting as fast as expected. Mostly because the company is telling customers the earliest they can have someone come over for a disconnect is some time in 2018.

A report says bad road conditions cost drivers an average of $516 a year in repairs. Which is good news for Chrysler owners who usually expect to spend at least $2,500 a year in repairs.

Tom Brady is leading the NFL in merchandise sales. In fact, he is so popular that Nike is considering starting a line of shoes called “No Air Bradys.”

A survey lists the top regrets of wealthy people. Which was from the ones who are serving time for what they did to get rich whose only regret was “getting caught.”

A report says the number of people seeking unemployment aid in the U.S. is at the lowest level in 42 years. Economists were surprised. Was there was a depression everyone forgot about back in 1973?

Comcast reports for the first time ever they have more Internet customers than TV subscribers. Mostly from men who figure why pay to watch “The Kardashians” on TV when they can see all kinds of pictures of Kim Kardashian naked online?

An e-cigarette like device lets people inhale caffeine. Apparently it is a lot less messy and painful than when they tried to put one end of a straw in a Starbucks double espresso and the other end in their nose.

Legislators and doctors are calling on pharmaceutical companies to justify soaring drug prices. To which the pharmaceutical company CEOs are saying that they aren’t just giving away those vacation homes in the Hamptons.

A study says the number of teens having sex is at its lowest since the 1980s. Which means that smartphones have finally done what TV and video games couldn’t, take more of teenage boys attention than girls.

Scientists are developing a pill that would let people who are on gluten-free diets eat pasta. The research is being done with a grant from the government, medical schools and Olive Garden.

A study says that e-cigarettes are just as addictive as tobacco cigarettes. Although vaping won’t really be accepted as trendy until it actually requires that it makes people spend time in rehab.

Studies say that exercise cuts down on symptoms of Alzheimer’s Disease. Except when the exercise is walking around the parking lot for three hours trying to remember where you parked the car.

After reports that a major earthquake is inevitable in Washington, the Seattle Times says people are buying up earthquake survival kits. Which in Seattle is 200 bags of Starbucks and a solar powered Keurig.

The National Association of Theater Owners says the average movie ticket price last year was $8.61. Which was nothing compared to the average cost of $53 at the concession stand for a popcorn, soft drink and box of Milk Duds.

A new Dr. Suess book, “What Pet Should I Get?” will be published next week, nearly 25 years after the author’s death. The good news is that it still comes out in time to make it onto the summer book reading list of George W. Bush.

A new Dr. Suess book, “What Pet Should I Get?” will be published next week, nearly 25 years after the author’s death. Dr. Suess’ popularity evident by the fact he was way ahead of his time. He was rhyming before anyone ever heard of Eminem.

The University of Texas has stopped giving free meals to coaches and assistants in student dining halls in order to save the school $300,000 a year. The school thought the savings would be better used by the athletic department for equipment, scholarships and bail money.

Golfer Robert Allenby fired his caddy in the middle of the round while on his way to shooting an 81. At least Tiger Woods had the decency to let Stevie Williams go before he quit breaking 80.

Golfer Robert Allenby fired his caddy in the middle of the round while on his way to shooting an 81. After which his caddy tried to make up by inviting him out for some drinks at a wine bar.

A report says that drug testing may come to video gaming competitions. Apparently there have been rumors of steroids ever since some of the gamers showed up to matches with thumbs the size of biceps.

A report says that drug testing may come to video gaming competitions. So far three of the gamers have tested positive for Doritos, Oreos and Papa John’s.

Three Estonians have been jailed for a malware spree that infected 4 Million computers. Industry experts were shocked. When did Estonia get the Internet?

AT&T reported adding 2.1 Million new customers, mostly through tablets and cars. Communications experts were surprised. There were 2.1 Million people who have never heard what it’s like to be with AT&T?

AT&T reported adding 2.1 Million new customers, mostly through connected cars. Which will work for Chrysler car owners who will be able to call for a tow truck after they push their car three miles to a place where they can actually get an AT&T connection.

Youtube cofounder Chad Hurley has endorsed a paid version of the video site. Mostly because he knows people will shell out all kinds of cash the minute you start talking about taking away their ability to watch unlimited cat videos.

Donald Trump says his relationship with Hispanics is “very good.” In fact, he intends to give Hispanics all kinds of jobs, mainly with low wage construction helping to build the fence that will keep them on their side of the border.

Jeb Bush is being criticized for saying we should “phase out” Medicare. Or as that appears on a political speech translator, “I would like everyone who is 55 or older to just vote for anyone else.”

Jeb Bush is being criticized for saying we should “phase out” Medicare. Which is pretty much the same as saying he should just phase out any chances he has of getting into the White House.

Donald Trump says he backs legal immigration. Just as long as it involves foreigners immigrating back to their own countries.

Ohio Governor John Kasich says he’ll have “no problem standing out.” Which is good because when the first Republican presidential debate takes place with the top ten candidates, left standing out of the auditorium is exactly where he will be.

President Obama told a group of teenagers that he is proof they can achieve anything in life if they try hard enough. Although most teens look up more to George W. Bush who shows they can achieve anything in life while not doing anything.

Donald Trump is threatening a run for President as an independent. Which would be a good fit as his campaign is independent of thought, policies or ideas.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would just like to take this time to send out some thanks to Donald Trump for making slow news days go by much faster. When there is a lack of material for jokes, all it takes is one speech by Trump and the writer’s block just seems to disappear. The only problem is that if he is elected I will enjoy the continued supply of material but I would miss the country. I guess 200 plus years has to be considered a pretty good run. I hope you all have a good weekend and enjoy the U.S. while it is still here. And oh yes, make sure to remember to always send the love!

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