Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Security workers and baggage handlers at JFK and LaGuardia airports in New York are set to go on strike. Which means with them out of the way some of the flights may now actually be able to take off on time.

Security workers and baggage handlers at JFK and LaGuardia airports in New York are set to go on strike. Or as United Airlines calls sudden and complete work stoppages at airports, “Wednesday.”

Researchers are working on a tool that will brighten clouds that could reflect enough of the Sun’s energy to combat global warming. The only other way to reflect anywhere near that much sunlight would be to have Tom Cruise keep smiling up towards the sky.

A new vulnerability lets attackers hijack Chryslers over the web. Which the Chrysler owners would actually appreciate if the hackers could figure out a way to do it and get their car started in the process.

An FCC commissioner is “outraged” over alleged fraud, waste and abuse with a government cellphone program. If the government wanted the poor to suffer this much over cellphones they would have worked out a deal to have them supplied by AT&T.

A study says the probability of obese people reaching a “normal” weight is less than 1%. Of course, just by looking around all they need to do is wait a few more years and by then obese will be considered normal weight.

A study says the probability of obese people reaching a “normal” weight is less than 1%. Mostly because 1% is about the number of Americans who are still hanging on to what is considered being a normal weight.

Colorado’s first ad for recreational marijuana has been pulled because of legal concerns. Mostly complaints from other advertisers who say the pot commercials will be like giving free advertising time to pizzerias, Doritos and Krispy Kreme.

Colorado’s first ad for recreational marijuana has been pulled because of legal concerns. Not only that, but the ads were basically just of some guy with red eyes looking into the camera saying “Uhhhhhhhh...”

A report says that more American children are now living in poverty than before the Great Recession. Which could just happen to be on account of we are still stuck in the  Great Recession.

A report says that more American children are now living in poverty than before the Great Recession. Which means when it comes to poverty, we have finally worked out a program that could be accurately called No Child Left Behind.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” Which is just another legal setback for Kim Kardashian.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” Which means those justices must now be convinced it was worth going through law school and sitting all those years on the bench to get to make landmark decisions like this.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” Until now, people who heard something unpleasant on the phone were just told to turn the other cheek.

A federal appeals court has ruled that it is OK for people to record calls when they have been “butt dialed.” The ruling was referring to all telemarketing calls from the Donald Trump for President campaign.

A report says the high cost of auto insurance is forcing half the people in Detroit to drive without coverage. Which is not that big of a deal since anyone driving a car who parks it out on the street more than a half hour won’t have any wheels left to drive on anyways.

A report says the high cost of auto insurance is forcing half the people in Detroit to drive without coverage. Which is not much of a concern since it’s not like there are enough people still living in the city that anyone could hit in the first place.

A California man claims to have eaten at Chipotle Mexican Grill 153 straight days. Health officials are not concerned yet, as opposed to anyone who is put on suicide watch after eating more than three days straight at Taco Bell.

Ohio Governor John Kasich has announced he is joining the race for the Republican nomination for President. Although so far he has scared off more than a few supporters with his campaign slogan “Vote for the man who can make all of America just like Cleveland.”

A Senate bill is seeking protection for car owners from digital attacks. Especially GM vehicle owners who are worried they will not have access to Wi-Fi so they can listen to music while they wait for the tow truck to pick up their car for the latest recall.

A report says that two thirds of Americans can’t guess what their Social Security benefits will be within 25%. Mostly because two thirds of Americans will have to keep working past retirement age no matter how much Social Security is paying them.

Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s personal cellphone number after Graham called him a “Jackass.” Graham was livid, not because Trump gave out his number but because no one actually bothered to try to call him.

Data says that Millennials make a bit more money at the same age than Gen Xers. Which shows there are some benefits from the recent increases in the minimum wage.

Citigroup has been ordered to pay $770 Million for deceptive marketing and unfair billing practices with their credit cards. Who do they think they are, some kind of bank?

Scientists say people may have a “sixth” taste for fatty foods. Which is no surprise since most people already have a sixth sense to find any unhealthy fatty food that is available anywhere within a two hour drive.

Scientists say people may have a “sixth” taste for fatty foods. Which goes along with the other five tastes of sugar, salt, pizza, McDonald’s and beer.

A study says that bystanders can save lives by performing CPR on those suffering cardiac arrest. The only trick is getting anyone to look up from their cellphone long enough to see the person they are tripping over might need some help.

A study says that rats who are given acupuncture treatments show fewer signs of anxiety and depression. Especially when they find out the treatments are covered under their health plan.

A study says that rats who are given acupuncture treatments show fewer signs of anxiety and depression. And the number one cause of anxiety and depression for rats is being kept in a cage and having someone constantly sticking them with needles.

A study says that men tend to gain three to five pounds after becoming new fathers. Which is a survival instinct since they know they won’t be able to eat for days at a time once they start helping out changing diapers.

A study says that women with mild memory problems worsen faster than men. The first sign that women’s memory loss is becoming serious is when they actually start to forget some of the things their husbands have ever done wrong.

A study says that robots have been involved in 144 surgery deaths over the past 14 years. Although at least half of those were patients jumping out of the hospital window when they found out a robot was going to be cutting into them for prostate surgery.

A study says that kids with psychiatric problems may face health, legal and financial struggles as adults. Which is good news as most people see health, legal and financial struggles are the true signs that someone has finally achieved success.

Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert had their divorce finalized just hours after their breakup announcement. Apparently both wanted it to be official so they could have the material right away for the next batch of country songs they are writing.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says there is “no timeline” on the Tom Brady appeal over “Deflategate.” Which means the final decision could come some time right around the time of Brady’s retirement.

Florida State University says it is “stepping up” its process of educating players about domestic violence. How about first of all telling the players to just not do it?

Florida State University says it is “stepping up” its process of educating players about domestic violence. Mostly by telling them that the only way to get away with that is by stepping up and making it into the NFL.

Barry Bonds says he is “relieved and humbled” after the Department of Justice dropped their criminal case of obstruction of justice charges against him. Justice Department lawyers dropped the case because they know they will never get another success like hearing Barry Bonds say he was actually humbled.

The Justice Department has approved the proposed merger between AT&T and DirecTV. At least this way government regulators can make it easier by consolidating all the complaints about the terrible service from both companies into just one account.

Infidelity website Ashley Madison is offering to delete users’ profiles for free. That’s the easy part. The hard part is when their wives find out and they know it will outlast every other recollection in their memory for the rest of eternity.

Infidelity website Ashley Madison is offering to delete users’ profiles for free. That’s the easy part. Which is nothing compared to when their wives find out and the fee automatically goes up to half of everything they own.

A study says that high temperatures make some lizards change sexes. Which means this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing could have been avoided if someone in the Kardashian house had just turned down the A/C a bit more.

Apple has hired a former Chrysler executive for their rumored car making team. Apparently Apple is worried that Microsoft and Chrysler were going to team up and make a perfect match. A Chrysler that runs off Windows Vista.

Infidelity website Ashley Madison may have to drop a planned IPO that was expected to bring in $200 Million. Which they may now only be able to raise by beating their hackers to the punch and blackmailing all their customers themselves.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech in Detroit where she says she wants to be the “small business President.” Or as people in Detroit know small businesses, what’s left of the Big Three automakers.

The wind industry won a key victory in the Senate for tax credits. And what better place for an industry that thrives off wind to go for help than a place that is second to none for producing it?

President Obama says that new citizens can skip pledging taking up arms to defend the U.S. Mostly because they have already succeeded in getting past all the people taking up arms along the border trying to keep them out in the first place.

Donald Trump says he will win the Hispanic vote. At least the three who will still be eligible to stay in the country after he is elected President.

Kylie Jenner has revealed she has just graduated high school. Her half-sister Kim Kardashian had already graduated years ago under the government program Children With a Huge Behind.

Kylie Jenner has revealed she has just graduated high school. She credits her high school education with making her a rich celebrity. That’s where one of her friends showed her how to shoot and post a selfie.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Republican field for presidential candidates is now up to 16. Which shows what is wrong with the party when you have that many people from different backgrounds and the leading contender for the voters is Donald Trump. We are doomed as a country. But at least if you read this blog, you might get in a few laughs to ease the pain. Mostly at the expense of the Republican candidates. I will never ask you for your vote or your contributions. All you need to do to make me feel like I won at the polls is to keep on sending the love!

No comments: