Thursday, July 02, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A poll says 1 in 3 Americans could consider moving to a different country. The other two thirds who are here say they just did.

TV Land has pulled episodes of “The Dukes of Hazzard” reportedly because of the Confederate flag on the roof of their car The General Lee. Although some critics say the show should have instead been pulled for generally bad writing and acting.

TV Land has pulled episodes of “The Dukes of Hazzard” reportedly because of the Confederate flag on the roof of their car The General Lee. What’s worse is that they are replacing it with reruns of “Amos ‘N’ Andy” and “Charlie Chan.”

A report says the average price of a home in Manhattan has reached a new high of $1.87 Million. The good news is that $450,000 will still get you a nice Amana side by side refrigerator box with a nice view of Central Park.

ESPN has reportedly told Keith Olbermann to stop engaging in commentary on his program. Not to say that TV management is timid, but Olbermann was turned down by the Discovery Channel because they were afraid he might be too critical of sharks.

ESPN has reportedly told Keith Olbermann to stop engaging in commentary on his program. Although they can’t be held responsible for not knowing what he was going to be like since he has only been doing it for 30 years including 5 previous years at ESPN.

A report to the U.N. says that parents in the UK must stop spanking their children. Although if they are really concerned about children in the UK being abused they should start with banning their parents from serving them British food.

A study is linking traffic noise to heart disease. Especially for people who are stuck on the freeway trying to get to the office who are completely surrounded for an hour by cars that have their stereos cranked up the entire time playing rap music.

A study is linking traffic noise to heart disease. Especially for the stress of people in Florida who are stuck on the freeway and can’t go anywhere when they realize that George Zimmerman is in the next car.

Andy Warhol’s painting of a $1 Bill was sold for $32.6 Million at an art auction. Or as 1 dollar for 32.6 Million is called in Zimbabwe, the going currency exchange rate.

The Department of Justice is investigating several airlines for conspiring to keep ticket prices high. Which some see as a smokescreen by the airlines to keep the DOJ from looking into their outrageous fees, poor customer service and lost baggage.

The Department of Justice is investigating several airlines for conspiring to keep ticket prices high. To which the airlines say it isn’t a conspiracy, they are just doing it on their own so they can make more money.

A report says that Californians cut their water use by 29% in May. Mostly because nothing has been coming out of the tap since April.

Several counties in Alabama are refusing to issue marriage licenses to anyone in the wake of the Supreme Court ruling making same sex marriages legal. Apparently the state wants to sanction only traditional marriages, which in Alabama means replacing “same sex” with “same family.”

The Secret Service is putting metal spikes on top of the fence around the White House to keep out intruders. So far other measures have been taken like increasing the number of guards and changing the locks, but somehow Joe Biden still has been finding ways to get in.

A report says one third of the world’s population has no proper toilets. Which would also be a problem in New York City but fortunately people there can always just use the subway stations.

An analysis says that Americans are going to spend $15.8 Billion on the 4th of July holiday weekend. Mostly in the traditional holiday fashion at the ER for extreme sunburn, alcohol poisoning and blowing off their fingers with fireworks.

An analysis says that Americans are going to spend $15.8 Billion on the 4th of July holiday weekend.  And that doesn’t even cover the increase in their home insurance premiums when they burn down their house using Roman candles.

A report says that executive education at the nation’s top business schools is using virtual reality. Mostly because it’s the only way to show students what it is like to run a business in an economy that isn’t plagued by high unemployment, widespread poverty and deep personal debt.

3,000 baby floats have been recalled because of a danger of deflation. The company says everything was fine until they signed an endorsement deal with Tom Brady.

A report says that doctors and hospitals received $6.5 Billion last year in payments from drug companies and medical device manufacturers, which the companies say went for research and consulting. Mostly researching which color Mercedes Benz looks best and consulting on whether it’s better to vacation in the Bahamas or Europe.

Telemundo will be the first network to produce an entire newscast with smartphones and tablets. So far, the lead story is coming down to a decision between reporters’ selfies, pictures of what the anchors ate for lunch and seven cat videos.

A research group says if the middle class prospered as much as the top 1% in the last few years their average yearly income would be $156,000. Although the reason the top 1% is doing so well is because they have cut the salaries of all the people who used to be in the middle class down to $7.25 an hour.

A report says the Internet is ruining people’s memories, with only half being able to recall their friends’ and family members’ phone numbers. Which is fine because thanks to the Internet the only way people communicate anymore is through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

A study says that fewer Americans are using tanning beds. The only people who still use them are those who can’t find time to get outdoors, live in a colder climate and thos who like to show off their impression of John Boehner.

A study says that obese teenagers are less likely to use birth control. Mostly because why would they need to?

A former researcher at Iowa State University has been sentenced to nearly five years in prison for AIDS research fraud. Which is ironic in that if he had actually been able to come up with a cure for AIDS he wouldn’t have to pray his cellmates don’t mind using a condom.

A study says that a cholesterol lowering drug may affect patients’ aggression. Although not as much as trying to lower someone’s cholesterol by taking away their box of doughnuts.

A study says that restaurant meals are as bad as or worse than fast food for people’s waistlines. The only difference is that eating fast food saves people money they can spend on insulin prescriptions, lap band surgery and a portable defibrillator.

An Arkansas teenager pulled a four inch long centipede out of his own ear. And you thought that catchy tune you heard the other day gave you an ear worm.

An Arkansas teenager pulled a four inch long centipede out of his own ear. The news media around the world has picked up on the report, saying this is one story that really has legs.

A study says that having blue eyes is linked to alcoholism. Mostly women who are also blond who can’t walk into a bar without having five men trying to buy them a drink before they even sit down.

A study says that having blue eyes is linked to alcoholism. Apparently the study was done using Lindsey Lohan, Amanda Bynes and Courtney Love.

A study says the best way to lose weight quickly is by becoming a vegan. Or as most Americans call a vegan diet, “starvation.”

A study says that women’s faces become redder when they are ovulating. Mostly because that is when they become embarrassed that someone will find out that they are thinking only about Brad Pitt.

A study says that older athletes have a fitness age that is as much as 20 years younger than their chronological age. Which means Tim Duncan actually has the body of a 45 year old.

A report says medical experts say cardiac arrest is killing too many people. Although not as many who are killed while being placed under arrest by police in New York City.

A report says medical experts say cardiac arrest is killing too many people because bystanders don’t do enough. If only someone could figures out how to make an app that works as a defibrillator while people are still able to use their phones to look at e-mails.

A report says that Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen have applied for membership but could be turned down by The Country Club in Boston. Apparently the club is so stodgy they can’t fathom the idea of having a member whose wife not only has a job but may even be making more money than her husband.

Kim Kardashian says that she thinks people would call her a feminist. She says she would too, but would first have to run it by her husband Kanye West.

Plans are in the works for a movie based on the game “Monopoly.” In other words, get ready for yet another biopic about Steve Jobs.

Facebook has introduced its new logo. Which was apparently designed by the same people who came up with the idea for New Coke.

Facebook has introduced its new logo. Apparently Mark Zuckerberg is still looking for any new way to hook the last 1% of people on the planet who haven’t yet become addicted scrolling and posting for eight hours a day on the social network.

A report says free agent LaMarcus Aldridge was not impressed by a presentation by the Los Angeles Lakers. To which Lakers fans are saying “Tell us about it.”

The WWE is seeking to block concussion related lawsuits from former wrestlers. The only problem is being able to tell when a wrestler has actually suffered a head injury.

The WWE is seeking to block concussion related lawsuits from former wrestlers. The WWE says they will only concede that a wrestler is exhibiting signs of brain injury when they start acting like their fans.

Norwegian Cruise Line is offering a zombie-themed cruise in January. Although fans who can’t make that voyage can always become part of the walking dead who wander around the deck by taking a Carnival cruise and going through one of the buffet lines.

Facebook says it has doubled its number of black hires which now make up 1.5% of the staff. Not only that, but the company says it will train the rest of the employees to be sensitive to the needs of both their minority workers.

A study by scientists says there is a correct way to pet a cat. Apparently it should be done when the cat is ready, which is sometime in the five seconds between eating its dinner and lying down for a 20 hour nap.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! We are now in July, the seventh month of the year. Which means that I should probably get to work on some of these jokes so as to not waste your time as much as I did during the first six. I appreciate your reading my blog, and just ask that you spread the word and tell other people how outrageously funny it is. OK, so no one has ever asked you to lie before? I hope that isn’t expecting too much. The only other fee I ever charge for this site is hoping that once in awhile you will all remember to send the love!

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