Sunday, July 19, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A pioneer in Artificial Intelligence is warning that computers could doom mankind. It won’t be hard for them to take over. They continue to get smarter and we never did figure out how to get the flashing “12:00” off our VCRs.

Forecasters expect a strong economy for the 2016 presidential election. Mostly from all the money being pumped into the economy from the billions of dollars of that will be spent on the campaigns.

Ultra-marathoner Scott Jurek broke the record for running the Appalachian Trail, making it in 46 days. Although that is nothing compared to the record set by Mark Sanford for making it from the Appalachian Trail to Argentina in a matter of hours.

A 100 year old Chinese woman has learned to write her name for the first time. It’s part of the country’s new policy called No Centenarian Left Behind.

A 100 year old Chinese woman has learned to write her name for the first time. To which the people in Alabama are asking how hard can it be to learn to make an “X”?

Louisiana has been ranked as the most violent state in the nation. Just see how far you get if you make the mistake of uttering the word “quack.”

Maine has been ranked the most peaceful state in the country. Mostly because everyone pretty much doesn’t even try to leave their homes and test the elements outside between October and May.

A study predicts that mining asteroids for minerals and other resources could boost a space based economy. Although the last time anyone got that excited about mining in space we spent billions of dollars to go to the Moon for a couple of bags of rocks.

A study says that obese women have a 1 in 124 chance and men a 1 in 210 chance of returning to normal weight. Mostly because those numbers also represent the number of pounds that the men and women would have to lose to get back to a normal weight.

A report says the American student loan crisis is at risk of turning AAA debt into junk. Especially when students try to pay off $100,000 in college loans with the minimum wage jobs they can now get with a bachelor’s degree.

Tax experts say that Hillary Clinton’s proposal for companies to share profits with employees may not do much for the economy. Mostly because Apple, Google and Facebook are the only three companies in the country still actually making a profit.

A study says that too much TV time for toddlers is linked to being bullied later in life. Mostly because the children watching TV won’t know how to defend themselves like the kids who spend all their time learning more violent behavior playing video games.

Scientists say there are four types of drunks. Men who get drunk watching football, men who get drunk watching baseball, men who get drunk watching basketball, and more internationally enlightened men who get drunk watching soccer.

Scientists say there are four types of drunks. Which most people know in order as Irish, Scottish, English and Welsh.

A study says retirement boosts happiness and improves health. Especially for the people who get to meet all kinds of new people and get a lot more exercise by having to take on three more jobs to make ends meet after being forced into retirement.

A study says retirement boosts happiness and improves health. Except for the people who worked their whole lives to save enough for retirement and realized now that they finally made it they are 93 years old.

A study says retirement boosts happiness and improves health. Especially for the people who are downsizing into living in a condo that has no basement where their kids can move in.

Aviation experts say all pilots should get mental health testing. Especially the ones who actually apply to work for United Airlines.

Aviation experts say all pilots should get mental health testing. As should all the people who still actually travel by plane anymore.

A study says that smoking marijuana can heal broken limbs and make them stronger. The only bad part is that most the limbs in the study were broken by people staggering around the house while stoned.

A study says that drinking alcohol before dinner can make people eat more. Especially the ones who get drunk enough so that they actually can’t taste any of the food they ordered from Taco Bell.

Gwyneth Paltrow wrote a lengthy article on her blog Goop which details how to correctly yawn. Which is pretty much accomplished for most people when they are about five minutes into reading her blog Goop.

The members of Duran Duran say their work is still relevant, comparing themselves to Beethoven. Which means nothing to most Duran Duran fans until they are told that Beethoven is the guy who wrote the theme music for “Judge Judy.”

The members of Duran Duran say their work is still relevant, comparing themselves to Beethoven. Although how relevant can they be when the only people who remember them are the ones that used to see their work when MTV still played music videos.

A football from the “Deflategate” game sold at auction for $43,000. Of course that amount doesn’t take in the increase in value just from inflation.

Florida State University says it plans to educate its athletes on behavior. And if that works, some day they may even work on just educating them.

Florida State University says it plans to educate its athletes on behavior. Apparently the school decided that action needed to be taken when they realized the only thing their athletes had learned in four years on campus were their Miranda Rights.

Florida State University says it plans to educate its athletes on behavior. You know things are getting bad there when the school points to Jameis Winston as their top role model.

Performance tests show that Windows 10 is similar in most ways to Windows 8. The comparison between both systems and Windows Vista will be completed just as soon as anyone can get a computer run on Vista to actually boot up.

Neil Young has pulled his music off streaming sites for what he calls poor audio quality. Which must be really bad for someone whose fans know most of his songs from their collection of bootleg recordings.

Neil Young has pulled his music off streaming sites for what he calls poor audio quality. Apparently the quality is so bad it is hard to hear all the distortion, feedback and over modulation.

Neil Young has pulled his music off streaming sites for what he calls poor audio quality. If that was ever a problem, then why hasn’t anyone bothered to also pull all of Justin Bieber’s songs?

One of the world’s foremost hunters of the Loch Ness Monster says after 25 years of searching he no longer believes it exists. He sent out his message from the Himalayas where he is now hot on the trail of Bigfoot.

One of the world’s foremost hunters of the Loch Ness Monster says after 25 years of searching he no longer believes it exists. He says he was told the truth while being probed by the aliens who were holding him hostage on their flying saucer.

One of the world’s foremost hunters of the Loch Ness Monster says after 25 years of searching he no longer believes it exists. He says he is turning attention to seeing something even more elusive. A World Series pennant flying over Wrigley Field.

IBM’s Watson has developed a program to analyze the tone and attitude of e-mails. Although Watson may not be the best judge after sending an e-mail written in all caps saying “LOSER!” to Ken Jennings beating him on “Jeopardy!”

Google investors saw their stock go up a record $65 Billion in value in one day last week, the largest on record. Who knew when they thought up the name of the company that “Google” would one day be the number representing it’s total value?

The world’s oldest animal sperm has been discovered in Antarctica, dating back 50 million years. It was also the first recent sperm sample happened on by researchers that wasn’t found inside a discarded condom in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

An industry analysis says that self-driving cars could save people $1,000 a year on insurance premiums. Which is bad news for the Geico spokesmen who just spent a fortune on a complete remodel of their entire cave.

An industry analysis says that self-driving cars could save people $1,000 a year on insurance premiums. Which means that drivers will only be overcharged by the amount they still have to pay each month.

Researchers at Oregon State University have developed a seaweed product that reportedly tastes like bacon. Asked when they will make an avian based dish that tastes like bacon, the scientists say “When pigs fly.”

Researchers at Oregon State University have developed a seaweed product that reportedly tastes like bacon. The research was done with money from a government grant, leading to charges of it just being another political pork project.

Donald Trump has caused another controversy, saying John McCain was only a war hero “because he was captured.” Which sounds as logical as saying Trump must be a good husband because he has found three different women who would marry him.

Columnist Bill Kristol says that Donald Trump would make a better President than Hillary Clinton because he is “older, wiser and richer.” People were shocked at the comparison. That is the first time anyone had ever heard the words “Trump” and “wiser” used together.

A report says most new California driver’s licenses go to people who are in the country illegally. Or as people who are in the U.S. illegally are otherwise known, “Californians.”

A report says most new California driver’s licenses go to people who are in the country illegally. Mostly because now that they are inside the U.S. they want to see what it is like to be in another place in the car besides the trunk.

President Obama met with a 110 year old U.S. woman veteran. She says the key to her longevity was the determination to stay alive long enough to finally get to be called for her doctor’s appointment at the VA clinic.

A poll says that Republican approval of the Supreme court has dropped to 18%. Although it would be higher except for some of the older respondents who still want to see Earl Warren impeached.

A poll says that Republican approval of the Supreme court has dropped to 18%. Which for most Republicans is a result of them appointing so many young kids who haven’t even reached age 70 yet.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It’s the slow time of year for comedy, as we approach August and all of Washington, D.C. gets ready to shut down. All I can say is what a relief it is to have Donald Trump still in the presidential race. That almost makes up for the entire Congress being out of session. It makes me appreciate even more the material that is generated in the three weeks of the year that Congress actually is at work. On the other hand, I am hard at work for you all the time and I am glad that you continue to check in to read the jokes. The only thing that I am more grateful for is when you take the time to remember to send the love!

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