Thursday, July 16, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists have created tiny beating human hearts in a laboratory. The hearts are barely large enough for the eye to see. In other words, they are perfect replacement hearts in case Dick Cheney ever needs another transplant.

Scientists have created tiny beating human hearts in a laboratory. Which brings up the possibility some day of having the first heart attack in a lab created heart that is caused from eating too much lab created beef.

Pluto has become the most distant object visited by humanity. At least other than Sean Penn.

Some McDonald’s are offering Gouda cheese on their hamburgers. Which is actually just cheddar cheese but when it gets stale, depending on how badly it smells it is marketed as Gouda, Munster or Limburger.

A report says one third of young adults are too fat to join the military. It used to be so much easier to avoid the military in the days when it was enough to keep you out by just pretending to be gay.

A study says that parents’ cellphone use may affect their children’s mental health. Especially the kids who have their own cellphone time constantly interrupted by their parents texting messages like “I love you,” “Happy birthday” and “You have a baby sister.”

Experts in Norway were baffled by a downpour that brought three inches of rain in less than an hour. Mostly because even in July the people there have never seen anything falling from the clouds other than snow.

An analysis says that because of smartphones, online porn will grow by 42% over the next five years. Which will lead to conversations like “Is that an iPhone 6 Plus in your pocket or are you using an iPhone 6 Plus to look at porn?”

Adult coloring books are growing in popularity. Which is just another sign that the presidency of George W. Bush is developing a more popular legacy than was thought.

A report from the federal government has suggestions for how young people can start to develop wealth. Mostly by not treating their finances like they do in the federal government.

The Marines have fired a woman officer for her “toxic leadership,” saying she was hostile, unprofessional and abusive. In other words they felt she was more suited to the private sector, say as a corporate CEO.

The Marines have fired a woman officer for her “toxic leadership,” saying she was hostile, unprofessional and abusive. Who did she think she was, a man?

Apple has updated its iPod Touch because of sagging sales, adding a faster processor and camera. All they need is to make it so people can talk, text and get on the Internet and call it something like the “iPhone.”

Toyota has recalled 625,000 hybrids for stalling without warning. The only problem is when a hybrid stalls, how can you even tell?

Toyota has recalled 625,000 hybrids for stalling without warning. First they had cars that accelerated uncontrollably and now they stop for no reason which means all they need to do is fix the cars so they are somewhere in between.

A study says that medical and recreational marijuana could be a $35 Billion a year business by 2020. The only problem is that the states where it is legal will see productivity cut by about $250 Billion.

A study says that medical and recreational marijuana could be a $35 Billion a year business by 2020. Actually, the pot will generate only about a billion dollars, the rest from increased sales of pizza, Oreos and Doritos.

A report says that the IRS customer service is getting worse. People were shocked. The IRS has customer service?

A former high school basketball player who had consecutive concussions has started a non-profit to help others recover from concussions they suffered. Doctors became even more concerned when they found out the injuries were severe enough to make her think of going non-profit.

An Israeli firm has developed a health warning sensor for pilots. Apparently it warns them their health may be in jeopardy when the altimeter is approaching “0” at a very high rate of speed.

A study says that data from people’s smartphones can be used to detect depression. Especially men whose wives file for divorce after figuring out the phone’s passcode and sees who they have been talking and texting with.

A study says that data from people’s smartphones can be used to detect depression. Especially after getting the hospital and car repair bills after running the car into a tree while texting.

A report says that companies are moving away from “BYOD,” having workers use their own devices for work related tasks. Mostly after management found out that the money they saved on paying for the devices themselves was lost on all the time employees spend checking their e-mail, updating Facebook and watching porn.

A study says that the majority of gamers prefer to buy physical video games rather than digital downloads. While there is a time lag online, the rest say that it also slows things down having to keep wiping the orange Dorito fingerprints off the DVDs.

A study says that the majority of gamers prefer to buy physical video games rather than digital downloads. There is no difference in the games, it’s just that going to GameStop gives the gamers an excuse to actually get out of the basement once in awhile.

The New Horizons space probe is powered by the same CPU as the original PlayStation console. Which made the person at the controls feel right at home waiting while the probe traveled 3 Billion miles so they could snap a few pictures.

China’s Tianhe-2 supercomputer still tops the list of the world’s fastest computers. Although experts think that IBM is serious about getting the title back as they have reportedly just gotten a prescription of Viagra for Watson.

Google along with several ISPs have joined a government program to connect 275,000 low income households to the Internet for free. The problem is that the households are poor in the first place because they were able to connect online with several Nigerian princes.

The Sun powered plane Solar Impulse 2 has been grounded for several months because of battery problems. Or as United Airlines calls grounding a plane for months at a time for routine maintenance, “on schedule.”

Data says that by 2020 there will be 700 Million smart appliances in homes worldwide. Which are still of no interest to bachelors who really don’t need a smart refrigerator to keep track of a quart of milk, bottle of lemon concentrate and three six packs of beer.

Several companies are providing education loans to students who are going to coding campuses that offer no degree. Mostly because they know the students will be able to pay off the loans once they learn how to get inside computers and make millions of dollars by becoming hackers.

Hillary Clinton has reportedly already raised $47 Million for her campaign for President. Which means that will give her enough money to keep running at least through the week after next.

Funding for the nation’s crumbling roads and highways is about to run out in two weeks with Congress at an impasse on coming up with a solution. One idea is to just let the roads continue to disintegrate, and with the extra work generated from ruined tires, wheels and suspensions and call it a jobs package.

Donald Trump claims on his campaign disclosure he is worth $10 Billion. Which puts his total campaign war chest with all donations included somewhere in the vicinity of 10 Billion dollars and thirty two cents.

Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker made a campaign stop at the McDonald’s in Wisconsin where he once flipped burgers. Mostly to show supporters what they can expect to have for a career if his economic policies ever go into effect.

Marilyn Tavenner, the former top official of Obamacare has left to become the next leader of a health insurance lobbying group. Which means her main job now that she has gotten millions of more Americans health coverage will be finding ways to start raising their premium rates.

A poll says that Donald Trump rates higher on the economy than on foreign affairs or immigration. Although all three are connected as he plans to boost the economy by having millions of workers build a wall around the entire U.S. to isolate us from other countries and keep out all immigrants.

The GAO says eleven counterfeit characters created by investigators were automatically re-enrolled in Obamacare. People were shocked. How did investigators actually get through eleven times on the Healthcare.gov website?

A poll says that three quarters of voters do not see Donald Trump as a serious presidential candidate. Which could be good news for Trump as these are the same people who sent George W. Bush to the White House twice.

A poll says that three quarters of voters do not see Donald Trump as a serious presidential candidate. The other one quarter wouldn’t take him seriously as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am back on my regular schedule now after a little R&R in Cincinnati and Columbus. Although usually the phrase “R&R” along with those two cities means hopping a freight train through Ohio. I am ready to start cranking out the jokes at full speed ahead, which most of you know as about one third humor. I appreciate you reading the blog every day, and you know there is nothing better than when you remember to take the time to send the love!

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