Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Researchers say that human hands are more primitive than the hands of chimps. Which shows that using our opposable thumbs for texting all day is already sending us backwards on the evolutionary chart.

Several startups are pushing gender neutral clothes for kids. And to think it all started that first time Bruce Jenner had the urge to try on some of Kris Jenner’s outfits.

The latest polls show that Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 17% support compared to 14% for Jeb Bush. The other 69% are divided among the rest or waiting for the Republican party to say “just kidding!” when they announce their serious candidate for president.

A woman was arrested at a Myrtle Beach restaurant when she said that Jesus would pay her tab. Police say it sounded like she had a little too much of the water that was turned to wine.

A study says that taking prescription pills can make people angry. Mostly when they get their monthly pharmacy bill.

A study says that 60% of Millennials say they would quit their job if they couldn’t do personal tasks on their cellphone at work. Fortunately, most managers are aware of that and say it is fine for them to text their friends while working their shift at the 7-Eleven.

A study says that 60% of Millennials say they would quit their job if they couldn’t do personal tasks on their cellphone at work. The other 40% say the personal tasks they do on their cellphone just don’t leave them enough time in the day to actually hold a job.

A Tennessee woman was arrested for counterfeiting, with her excuse being she read online President Obama said it was OK for people to print their own money for their personal needs. Apparently she didn’t understand he meant that only for Congress.

President Obama is calling for a fix of the “broken system” of criminal justice that has locked up too many Americans for too long. Which people hope means he is going to clear out some space in prisons for the Wall Street executives who really belong there.

President Obama is calling for a fix of the “broken system” of criminal justice that has locked up too many Americans for too long. Which some people hope could be a signal that he intends to finally let O.J. back out to continue his search for the real killers.

Political experts say the nuclear agreement between the U.S. and Iran could be an economic boon to Iran. Dropping the sanctions against the country could allow them to make up for lost time and try to move forward as far as the 15th century.

The Mexican government has offered a $3.8 Million reward for the capture of escaped drug lord “El Chapo.” Which still isn’t as much money as Donald Trump is offering to spend to send each undocumented alien back across the border.

The Mexican government has offered a $3.8 Million reward for the capture of escaped drug lord “El Chapo.” Authorities think he may be hiding out with his girlfriend, Susie El Chapostick.

A report says that the Toyota Camry is the most American made car. Which is no surprise for parents who drive their kids in one to Taco Bell to get something to eat after their soccer match.

A court has ruled against the Catholic religious order Little Sisters of the Poor over the government’s contraceptive mandate. Apparently the court ruled if birth control were more available, there wouldn’t be so many little sisters of the poor.

A study says that 2 of every 5 black children are living in poverty. The good news is that  means we are winning the battle against income inequality as pretty much 2 out of 5 of every American family is now living in poverty.

Safety regulators are investigating ARC Automotive for possibly defective airbags that are found in Fiat Chrysler minivans and Kia Optimas. The only problem is that it is hard to be sure since Fiat Chryslers and Kias never actually go fast enough to where airbags ever need to be deployed.

A report says that investors’ moods on Twitter are a good indicator of how the stock market is performing. That’s when things are going well. The indicator that things aren’t so good is when they are instead on eBay selling everything they own to make ends meet.

Comcast is offering the fastest Internet in the nation for $300 a month, along with up to $1,000 for installation. Which is good news for people who are willing to put out the extra cash to get an even faster connection to wire their money to the Nigerian prince who is going to make them wealthy.

Comcast is offering the fastest Internet in the nation for $300 a month, along with up to $1,000 for installation. Which means just when we got smart enough to finally cut the cord with the cable companies, they figured out another way to show how gullible we really are.

Viewership for the Miss USA pageant was down 83% over last year after the show was dropped by NBC following owner Donald Trump’s comments about immigrants. Broadcast experts were shocked. Which network has 83% fewer people watching than NBC?

J.P. Morgan CEO Jamie Dimon says he may skip out on the quarterly earnings conference call. Apparently he wants to get used to talking less for when he is on the stand and only says he will be pleading the Fifth.

Airlines are getting new software to help them avoid turbulence. As opposed to the software that actually causes turbulence when people make flight reservations on the United Airlines website.

A study says that soccer is among the top five most dangerous sports for kids. Mostly for the fact that it is the one that the kids actually still play.

A study says that soccer is among the top five most dangerous sports for kids. What’s even worse is that the top sports injuries for most kids are from overuse of their thumbs and wrists from texting and playing video games.

Researchers say they might be able to predict which children will struggle to read. Mostly the ones who show up to preschool already with their own iPhone and iPad.

Researchers say they might be able to predict which children will struggle to read. Mostly the ones who show up to preschool and ask where the big screen TV is located.

Researchers say they might be able to predict which children will struggle to read. Mostly the ones who are driven to school in cars that have a Confederate flag bumper sticker.

A study says that being multiracial may be an advantage when it comes to online dating. Mostly for the 25 year old women who are tired of being hit on by 54 year old men who are trying to pass themselves off as 35.

A study says that plump cartoon characters prompt unhealthy eating in kids. Although that is still a lot better than when Fat Albert used to advise boys the best way to get girls was with a prescription of Quaaludes.

A study says that plump cartoon characters prompt unhealthy eating in kids. Although after all those years of watching Popeye eating spinach and having a skinny girlfriend, we ended up with a generation that looked more like Wimpy.

A study says that standing at work could be bad for people’s health. Which comes right on the heels of a study that says sitting at work may be bad for people’s health. Which can only lead to the conclusion that work is bad for your health.

A new drug treatment for schizophrenia and depression has been approved by the FDA. Which is good news for the people who are sad because all the voices in their head can’t get along with each other.

A survey says that well being gets better with age. Mostly because so do the chances of  the children finally getting a job and moving out of the basement.

A survey says that well being gets better with age. Especially for people approaching 80 who realize retirement may finally be possible within the next decade or so.

A survey says that well being gets better with age. Mostly for the people who turn the disappointment of how their lives turned out into acceptance and let their kids worry about how to pay for their final years in the nursing home.

Louis Tomlinson from One Direction is going to be a dad. Which is different from most other 23 year olds who find out they are expectant fathers and take off in the other direction.

GM says it won’t stop sponsoring Kid Rock over criticisms that the musician displays the Confederate flag at concerts. Although considering where most GM cars are now made, they might ask if he would replace the rebel banner with the Chinese flag.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver says the league may eliminate protection for division winners in playoff seeding and just go ahead with the inevitable plan to just qualify every team automatically for post season play.

NASA is receiving pictures of Pluto from the New Horizons probe 3 Billion miles away. Engineers celebrated the New Horizons being not only able to snap the pictures with its iPhone but also successfully post them on its Facebook page.

A Microsoft program compares pictures to determine how much your picture looks like someone else. Although the software is more than a little suspect as the program somehow made Bill Gates a perfect match with Brad Pitt.

The ACLU is asking an appeals court to immediately end the NSA practice of domestic spying. Which will never happen if the judges don’t want their wives to be sent a list of all the web sites they have been looking at over the past five years.

Analysts say the nuclear agreement with Iran will help the country’s tech industry. In fact, social media is already starting to be accepted, including the latest website “It Is Forbidden For Women To Show Their Face Book.”

Analysts say the nuclear agreement with Iran will help the country’s tech industry. In fact, since they won’t be hauling nuclear warheads on their donkeys, they can use the extra room for ride sharing on Uber.

Analysts say the nuclear agreement with Iran will help the country’s tech industry. In fact, the word is really expected to get around now that their top engineers are just about ready to announce the completion of their first movable type printing press.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Running a bit late today as I just got back in town from a trip to Cincinnati and Columbus. I was able to see a couple of friends, Larry Handley whom I used to work with and Bill Jaquay whom my wife and I met on our honeymoon cruise many years ago. Great to see them both and take in some of the sites of the area. Back to the regular grind now, so the jokes will be rolling out again. Hopefully that means you will all be back to making sure you regularly keep sending the love!

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