Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Pope Francis I has apologized for crimes the Catholic Church committed during the period of Spanish colonization. No one even knew they had altar boys back then.

Pope Francis I excoriated global capitalization in a talk this week. Mostly because the Church has gone over to socialism, at least when it comes to tithing everyone the same 10%.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has become the 15th Republican to enter the presidential race. This early on, the bar has been set pretty low in voters just having to decide which ones are not as crazy as Donald Trump.

Pinatas that resemble Donald Trump have gone on sale in Mexico. The piƱatas are full of candy which is a lot more pleasant than whatever it is Trump is full of.

Hungary is reportedly building a fence to keep out immigrants. To which Republican presidential candidates are saying they had no idea they bordered Mexico.

Hungary is reportedly building a fence to keep out immigrants. People were shocked. Who is trying to sneak across the border into Hungary?

Polls say that Hillary Clinton has a problem with white male voters. Although the question is what does her marriage have to do with the 2016 election?

Whataburger is standing up to the open carry law in Texas. If any more businesses get involved in trying to get Texans to give up there guns, there could be a siege at the Alamo car rental.

A bride in San Diego was robbed during her wedding. Other former brides weren’t sympathetic. They also had the experience of trying to pay for a wedding dress, reception site and cake.

A bride in San Diego was robbed during her wedding. The bridesmaids were crying “Why?” “Why didn’t they steal the bridesmaid dresses?”

Hillary Clinton is pushing for profit sharing to reduce income disparity. To which businesses are saying is a great idea, now all she has to do is show they how to start making a profit again.

The government made a $51.8 Billion budget surplus in June. Mostly because it was the first month since 2002 that we haven’t actually invaded someone.

The government made a $51.8 Billion budget surplus in June. Which means at this rate we will have the $17 Trillion national debt paid off sometime in the 24th century.

A report says that U.S.airlines made a record $38 Billion dollars from extra fees last year, with the most being made by United. To which aviation experts are saying just think how much United would have made if any of those flights had ever actually left the tarmac.

Rapper 50 Cent has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently it turns out that 50 Cent wasn’t just his name but also a list of his total assets.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech where she took on the Uber economy. Apparently she is worried about being elected President and having to wait for the presidential limo which will actually be a Prius driven by a 23 year old hipster named Jason.

A report says the SBA is unprepared to handle helping out small businesses with a natural disaster. Mostly because they can’t even help out the businesses that are trying to pay back their SBA loans.

Studies say that student debt is the biggest reason Millennials are not buying houses. Mostly because they are still trying to figure out how to pay off their college loans with the minimum wage job they could only get with their degree.

Starbucks is leading a dozen other companies including Wal-mart that are planning to hire 100,000 young workers with systemic barriers to jobs and education. Mostly from being stuck below the poverty line because of the low wages they make working at places like Starbucks and Wal-Mart.

A study says that 60% of all executives say they would rather work at companies that care about culture. As opposed to most of the employees who work for them say when it comes to culture, they find better specimens inside their tennis shoes.

A survey says that nearly half of all smartphone users say they can’t imagine life without them. Which is ironic in that thanks to the smartphone, those are the people who actually no longer even have a life.

A study says that climate change is already costing lives, particularly with seniors in the northeast. Mostly the ones who hear about global warming and think it is OK to go outside in shorts and sandals in the middle of a winter storm.

A study says that heading the ball in soccer is responsible for a third of all concussions. The other two thirds of the fans banging their heads on the seats after watching a 90 minute match end in a scoreless tie.

A study says that moms’ physical activity sets an example for their daughters. Which is usually to not get married after they see their moms’ activities are mostly picking up their dads’ underwear and socks off the floor all day.

The comic strip Bloom County returned on Facebook after a 25 year absence. Which meant millions of Baby Boomers had to explain to their children and grandchildren about what a newspaper comic strip is.

Some season ticket holders are suing Major League Baseball for failing to protect them from foul balls with netting. To which Major League Baseball is blaming soccer, because before all the kids started playing that sport some of them knew how to actually catch an approaching baseball.

A British man who used an outlet on a train to charge his phone battery was arrested for stealing electricity. Which means he is being charged for charging without charge.

A report says the U.S. government can read e-mails that are more than six months old without a warrant. Or as most people using AOL call six month old e-mails, the in-box.

A report says that Apple sells 20% of the world’s cellphones but makes 92% of the industry profit. Apple shareholders were surprised. How did they get so lazy to let that other 8% get away?

That’s if for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This is a condensed version today as I am out of town and am a bit spread thin. But of course, I always think of you and make sure I can crank out at least a few jokes to get you through the day. I will try to be back up to full strength with my regular number of jokes, which will give me much better odds that some of them might be funny. Although I wouldn’t take that bet. What I will take is when you all remember to make sure to send the love!

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