Friday, July 10, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A Computer glitch at the New York Stock Exchange has stoked fears about a coordinated hack attack. Although no matter how easy it is for hackers to get through cyber security, there is no way they could do as much damage to the economy as when regulators take their eyes off the Wall Street executives.

The Detroit Police Department is going through its worst manpower shortage in nearly a century. Which is no big deal since the police aren’t really needed as what is there left for anyone to actually want to steal?

California Governor Jerry Brown slammed the “troglodytes” who deny the threat of climate change. Although that will probably fall on deaf ears. If Californians didn’t like troglodytes, they wouldn’t have elected Arnold Schwarzenegger as their governor for eight years.

LeBron James has signed a two year deal to stay in Cleveland. Which will be officially announced on a one hour special television program called “Who Cares?”

The economic crisis in Greece has caused local newspapers to run out of paper. Which is good in that it will just keep the people there from having to read about even more bad financial news.

The FAA is going to drop several navigation points in Florida that were named after Donald Trump in the wake of his comments about immigrants. The FAA has always had a good relationship with Trump because even pilots thousands of feet in the air can use his hair to see what direction the wind is blowing.

Hackers have stolen government data from 25.7 Million Americans from the Office of Personnel Management. Which is what happens when security over millions of government employees is put in the hands of other government employees.

Donald Trump is hinting at an independent bid in his run for President. Mostly because he can’t find a political party that isn’t made up of a majority of people who fall in some group that he has threatened to deport.

The UK is urging British tourists to leave Tunisia, saying a further terrorist attack is “highly likely.” Although it is going to be hard to talk any common sense into anyone who has picked Tunisia as their vacation destination in the first place.

Secretary of State John Kerry says the U.S. will not be rushed into a deal with Iran. Mostly because the only decisions we ever jump the gun on without thinking them through are the ones involving military invasions.

NASA has named the four astronauts who will start training for a commercial trip to Mars. The training will consist of watching the astronauts sit for eight months in the same place without moving. Which is known to millions of American women as the NFL season.

A Marine Corps General says that Russia is the biggest threat to U.S. security. Either that or the Marines need to ask for some intelligence that has been updated past 1957.

The IRS says it is cracking down on hedge funds’ tax strategy. Which is pretty much the same strategy as anyone else who has enough money to hire a team of accountants to keep from paying the IRS anything.

A report says that there are only half as many companies in the stock market as there were in 1998. Mostly because the top stock picks back in the late 1990s included Lycos, GeoCities and

Donald Trump is demanding a thank you from New York for all he has done for the city. Although at this time the only people thanking Trump are late night comedians, the media and the Democratic Party.

United Airlines says its systems are up and running after a computer glitch grounded their entire fleet earlier in the week. In other words, the fleet is still grounded but only because of the usual lack of crews, flight delays and random cancellations.

The FDA has pushed requirements for chain restaurants to list calories on their menus back another year to 2016. The eateries are really worried about next having to list the estimated medical costs incurred from eating a steady diet of restaurant food.

A study says the healthcare costs of children is growing faster than that of the general population. Mostly because if you have seen our kids lately, it’s pretty obvious their health problems come from their waistlines also growing faster than the general population.

A survey says that more than half of smartphone owners check their devices once or more each hour. The rest didn’t take the survey because they couldn’t be bothered to look up from their cellphone long enough to actually fill out the form.

A survey says that more than half of smartphone owners check their devices once or more each hour. Meaning they only need them when they need something to do to help pass the time, like when they are busy driving their kids around.

A study says that many overweight and obese teens don’t believe they have a weight problem. Which is good news, showing that all the efforts to fight anorexia in teenagers has finally worked.

A study says that many overweight and obese teens don’t believe they have a weight problem. Apparently their thinking is that if we weren’t supposed to be that large, why did someone feel the need to invent the couch?

A study says that many overweight and obese teens don’t believe they have a weight problem. Mostly because being obese is the newest status symbol as people think skinny kids come from families that don’t have enough money to buy a big screen TV and video game console.

The FDA is strengthening warnings about heart safety on painkillers, saying they raise the risk of heart attacks and stroke. Which defeats the whole purpose for people who are taking the drugs because of their constant chest pain and headaches.

A new government report says only 13% of Americans are eating enough fruit and vegetables. Mostly because the other 87% get their daily intake of fruits and vegetables from the pickles on a McDonald’s hamburger, the cherry on their milkshake and the lime in their Corona beer.

A study says that moderate to heavy drinking may raise the blood pressure of women. Which is ironic in that they drink even more alcohol after they start getting the medical and prescription bills for the treatment of their high blood pressure.

A study says that 1980s metalheads turned out to be better adjusted than others. Mostly because they never did drugs as they were always pretty much high from the fumes of all the hairspray they went through.

A study says that 1980s metalheads turned out to be better adjusted than others. Especially the people who have to watch them still try to fit into their old Spandex tights.

A deadly new squirrel virus reportedly killed three men from brain inflammation. Which explains that some of Donald Trump’s recent comments may be a result of being bitten than by the tree rodent living on his head.

A study says that muscle strength starts to fade after two weeks of inactivity. Which means even though our teenagers are turning into blobs of jelly, thanks to video games and texting no one will ever beat Americans for having the strongest thumbs on the planet.

A study says that playing the video game Tetris could prevent traumatic memories from forming. Mostly for people who want to forget that they wasted the entire 1980s playing primitive video games like Tetris.

Justin Bieber has dedicated his latest tattoo to a fan. Apparently it was a touching memorial that he wanted to have to always remember the person who bought a ticket for his latest concert tour.

Miranda Lambert canceled a concert over “vocal issues.” Or as Britney Spears calls that, a tape recorder malfunction.

Donny Most from “Happy Days” says he is going back to his first love of singing. Which can be heard by anyone celebrating a birthday at a table he happens to be waiting on at the Hollywood Applebees.

Keith Richards is releasing a new solo album. The idea came about because he hadn’t done a solo album in more than 20 years, wanted a new outlet for his creativity and he was still in the studio because he forgot he already recorded a new album with the Stones.

The Hollywood Walk of Fame will reportedly keep the stars for Donald Trump and Bill Cosby. Which means that is giving new hope to O.J. Simpson for finally getting recognized for his work on “The Naked Gun.”

Kid Rock has been denied a request to shoot a music video at a women’s prison in Michigan. Apparently the warden feels the prison is a place for punishment, and if the inmates are going to be disciplined with any music it would have to be Justin Bieber.

Regis Philbin has been named as a contributor to “Today.” Mostly because at his age, today is about all he can guarantee.

Tim Duncan has signed a two year deal with the San Antonio Spurs which includes a pay cut. Apparently he agreed to the lower pay so it won’t cut into the amount he gets in payments every month from Social Security.

A survey says that most people think they check their phone less than other people. Which they can’t really be sure of since they never look up long enough from their phone to actually see what anyone else is doing.

Bernie Sanders took a shot at Jeb Bush’s war chest which is now more than $100 Million. Which means he might have his work cut out for him taking on a war chest like that with his own funding that is more like a coin purse.

A report says that Jeb Bush raised $8 a second in the first two weeks of his candidacy. Mostly from business leaders he is promising to make sure they don’t have to pay their workers more than $8 an hour.

Lindsey Graham says the GOP is “in a hole” with Hispanic voters. The worst part is that the Hispanics are the only ones they could actually find who would actually dig the hole.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It is finally Friday, and I can sure use one. Fortunately they usually show up about once a week at this time. I need a break from the grind, and will be taking off a few days for a little trip out of town. But you are not off the hook. I will still be cranking out the jokes as usual because like you I am a glutton for punishment. Fortunately, thanks to the digital age no matter where I am you can always stay in touch and let me know how you feel by remembering to send the love!

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