Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Greek financial crisis could disrupt imports which has people worried that even the most basic goods won’t be available. In other words, they are tying to get out of paying their debt by disguising themselves as Russia.

Pope Francis I on his visit to the U.S. will be scheduled to meet with prisoners, immigrants and the homeless. Which until now was a secret that he intended to include some time in California.

A report says that helium has been leaking from an earthquake fault in California. Which means the real harbinger of an impending quake isn’t animal behavior or an increase in static electricity but when people start to talk in a very high pitched voice.

A report says that helium has been leaking from an earthquake fault in California. Which finally explains why after living in southern California for more than 50 years the voice of Mickey Mouse has evolved into such a permanently high pitch.

Chick-fil-A has been rated as the most popular fast food restaurant in the U.S. Mostly because people like the way the food is prepared, the friendly service and that they don’t have to wonder why all the wall art has been replaced by defibrillator stations.

A survey says that half of all students in New York City speak a language other than English at home. Although everyone questioned has at least mastered enough English to know “I’m walkin’ here!,” “Fuggedabout it” and “What are you lookin’ at?”

A survey says that half of all students in New York City speak a language other than English at home. The other half speak a language other than English everywhere.

A study says that nature walks are good for the brain. Mostly by making people have to think really hard about where there is a place within a half hour of their home that has a ground cover that is something other than cement or asphalt.

A study says that nature walks are good for the brain. Except when a nature walk is what it’s called when your elderly neighbor walks outside to get the newspaper with his robe completely undone.

A Russian cosmonaut has set the all time record for living in space at 803 days. The cosmonaut says they enjoy the serenity, contributing to science and being able to spend the 803 days doing something other than waiting in line for toilet paper and bread.

A report says that many women globally experience poor treatment during childbirth, including abuse and disrespect. Which is actually good because they are then prepared for what to expect when their child becomes a teenager.

A report says that many women globally experience poor treatment during childbirth, including abuse and disrespect. Which they in turn inflict on their husbands when they scream during delivery “You did this to me!”

FIFA President Sepp Blatter says he will miss the Women’s World Cup Finals because of “personal reasons.” Apparently he needs to visit a country that is a potential site for a future World Cup because he insists on being there in person to collect any bribes.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter says he will miss the Women’s World Cup Finals because of “personal reasons.” It won’t be the first time a women’s sporting event will be affected because of an overactive Blatter.

Hyundai has launched an app that can be used with an Apple Watch. The feature can flash the car’s lights and start it remotely, not to mention showing that even an Apple Watch has more horsepower than a Prius.

McDonald’s is selling lobster rolls at its New England locations for $7.99. Guys thinking they can count that as taking their date out for a lobster dinner have about as much luck as thinking going to Burger King is the same thing as introducing them to royalty.

McDonald’s is selling lobster rolls at its New England locations for $7.99. Which has about the same power to impress a date as going to Wendy’s for caviar and scooping it onto the chili side crackers with the spoon from your Frosty.

The President of Brazil says the U.S. economy’s recovery is proof that Brazil can return to economic growth. It’s good to know that we have been able to inspire others with our ability to climb out of the recession and still only have $17 Trillion in national debt.

Texas Roadhouse has been selected as America’s favorite full service restaurant. Not to say our standards have fallen a bit, but most Americans anymore consider a restaurant full service if you don’t have to pick up your discarded peanut shells off the floor.

An airline caterer is suing the city of Los Angeles over an order that they must pay their employees a “living wage.” What’s next, that they try to force them to start making edible food to serve on planes?

An airline caterer is suing the city of Los Angeles over an order that they must pay their employees a “living wage.” People were shocked. Airlines are still serving food on their flights?

An airline caterer is suing the city of Los Angeles over an order that they must pay their employees a “living wage.” That’s a tough case to try to win over a jury with. Apparently they are planning on using the “Simon Legree” defense.

The Wayback Burger chain is offering cricket milkshakes. The only question is how hard was it to get enough people to be able to milk that many crickets?

The Wayback Burger chain is offering cricket milkshakes. Although when people go to eat at “Wayback” they had no idea the restaurant’s name comes from taking them back to the Biblical Egyptian plague of locusts.

Jim Beam sent a letter to the FCC saying the country needs broadband competition. The company could give no real reason for sending the letter, other than that they also in the same week drunk dialed three former girlfriends.

JetBlue has announced it will start charging $25 for the first piece of checked luggage. Apparently they are labeling it as a storage fee for the time they are keeping their luggage while the plane sits on the tarmac for three days waiting to take off.

A study says that sugary soft drinks are linked to 25,000 deaths in the U.S. every year. People were so shocked by the news that they had to stop and take a Big Gulp.

A Tennessee couple is getting married after the bride was in an accident after their first wedding and can’t remember the event. Which confused most people in Tennessee who consider any wedding a failure when the people can remember what happened.

A study says that PTSD is linked to a risk of heart trouble in women. Well, that news ought to help them relax and be able to sleep better at night.

A study says that marriage adds four and a half pounds to most people. The study also says the best way to end any marriage is for the husband to point that fact out to his wife.

Scientists say that babies can make out facial expressions two to three days after birth. Which is bad news for the ones who want to take out revenge later on the guy who slapped their bottom right after they came out of the womb.

A study says in tough times parents prefer girls to boys. Mostly because they know the only chance they have to ever retire is to have a daughter they can marry off to a billionaire.

A study says in tough times parents prefer girls to boys. Mostly because they see how well the Kardashian and Jenner girls have done and at the same time realize no one has any idea they have some brothers.

A study says that patients who are rehospitalized after surgery have a lower risk of death if they go back to the same hospital. Not only that, but most hospitals give rebates for when they accidentally remove the wrong organ or limb.

A study says that patients who are rehospitalized after surgery have a lower risk of death if they go back to the same hospital. Mostly because there is a good chance they haven’t yet thrown away the parts they accidentally removed the first time.

A study says that pain responses may differ between men and women. For instance, a woman who catches her husband cheating may have a pain in her heart, while her husband may feel what it is like to have a frying pan cracked over his skull.

A study says that one third of Americans own guns, mostly white men who are over 55. People were surprised. A third of America is still white?

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have announced they are going to divorce after ten years of marriage. Apparently Garner feels that Affleck has never been completely honest with her, like refusing to say who actually wrote the screenplay for “Good Will Hunting.”

The Discovery Channel has bought the rights to the next four Olympics for Europe. The only problem is when the cable network tries a cross promotion that features stocking the Olympic pool with a school of hungry sharks.

Phil Knight says he will be stepping down as Nike Chairman at age 77. Apparently he knew he was getting a little too old for the job when the other board members shot down his idea for Air Jordan house slippers.

Race officials at the Daytona 500 say they won’t ban Confederate flags from the race but will offer a free trade for an American flag. Which confuses most people who are carrying the flags who say “You mean that one they use up north?”

Race officials at the Daytona 500 say they won’t ban Confederate flags from the race but will offer a free trade for an American flag. The good news is that if people really want to show they are proud residents of Florida they can always just carry around a few items off their pickup truck gun rack.

Brett Favre says he could still play in the NFL at age 45. Which is pretty much another way of saying he is looking for an invitation to the Raiders training camp.

Brett Favre says he could still play in the NFL at age 45. In other words, get ready for un-retirements number six, seven and eight.

Consumer Reports says that several new cars have been found to be burning too much oil. Although Chrysler says that is an intentional feature so the billowing white smoke lets the owners know when the engine has actually started.

A court says the NSA can resume its bulk collection of Americans’ phone records. To which the NSA is saying “We were supposed to stop that?”

A study says it is rare for Google users to scroll past the top five search results. Especially if they are specific enough about exactly what type of porn sites they are looking for.

A study says it is rare for Google users to scroll past the top five search results. Which shows most people are in a hurry to look things up and just don’t have time to look at the other 484,999,999 suggestions.

The FBI says it is willing to pay $4.2 Million for information leading to the arrest of several notorious hackers. They had more money set aside for the reward but it disappeared after it was put in the FBI Target credit card account.

The European Union says it will end all cellphone roaming charges in 2017. Except for Italians who are wandering aimlessly while talking on their cellphone and can still be hit with the additional fee for being a roamin’ Roman.

Gallup says that liberals and conservatives have different levels of trust in almost every key institution being measured by their polls. People were surprised. Americans of any political preference still have confidence in our institutions?

Jeb Bush has released 33 years worth of his tax returns. People were surprised. A member of the Bush family has felt the need to work for 33 years?

A GSA official has been sentenced to three months in jail for padding his expense account by $8,000. Members of Congress were angry. Doesn’t everyone know that padding an expense account by only $8,000 is the surest way to get caught?

Republican presidential candidate Chris Christie says his temper is the result of “controlled anger.” Just like his girth is a result of his “disciplined appetite.”

22 states are suing the EPA over water regulations. It will soon be 23 states as California is planning to join the lawsuit over water just as soon as they actually have any.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! A sad news from the world of comedy. Which has nothing to do with this blog but I thought I would included it for the news value. Comedian Jack Carter has passed away at age 93. Anyone who watched TV in the 1960s and ‘70s was familiar with his appearances on variety, talk and game shows and several guest roles on TV series. He was known for his rapid fire delivery of one liners along with several impressions, and was admired by other comedians for his ability to handle hecklers. Or as I know them, “readers.” He was one of the early greats who inspired a lot of people to get into or at least enjoy comedy. So keep him in mind today when you decide it is time to make sure to send the love!

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