Tuesday, June 09, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Scientists say they have cracked the code to being happy. Apparently it has something to do with not being stuck wearing a lab coat while pouring over research numbers for the rest of your life.

Scientists say they have cracked the code to being happy. Meaning anyone who believes a researcher can tell them how to be happy must be on crack.

New apps could mean the end of banking with all financial transactions possible over a smartphone. Although banks have become nearly obsolete in this economy as most people have their phone in one pocket and their life savings in the other.

A study claims to have found a genetic link between creativity and mental illness. Which may finally explain the careers of Britney Spears, Courtney Love and Gary Busey.

Organized criminals in California are now stealing water. It’s the biggest theft involving water in the state since the creation of Perrier.

California Governor Jerry Brown says he is cutting back on the number of showers he takes to conserve water. Miley Cyrus was also praised for not showering for weeks at a time, to which she says “There’s a water crisis?”

May was reportedly the wettest month in U.S. history. Flooding in the Midwest means that for the first time in years California doesn’t have the most home owners who are still underwater.

A new mother says she was asked to use a janitor’s close at LAX to breastfeed her child. Apparently they wanted her to be near some cleaning equipment to prevent any crying over spilled milk.

A report says that one in five companies are using “phony numbers” to inflate profits to attract investors. The other four are more traditional in inflating their profits so executives can justify taking their massive year end bonuses.

Wal-Mart’s U.S. chief says his new priority is reducing shoplifting. Or as store employees call in-store theft, “payday.”

Aging doctors are prompting a call for the AMA to give competency tests. The first sign a doctor is losing it is when they forget to over-inflate the amount they are charging to the health insurance companies.

Pope Francis I is warning parents about “dirty” content their children can find on the Internet. Mostly when they get on dad’s computer and press the “history” button.

A report says that 95% of the people who bet $2 on Triple Crown winner American Pharoah in the Belmont Stakes didn’t cash in their tickets. Not because of the historic value, but to show everyone they had an extra $2 disposable cash to spend.

Jerry Seinfeld says that comedians are avoiding performing at colleges because of the politically correct atmosphere. As opposed to his “Seinfeld” costar Michael Richards who has had even the KKK say his act may be a little too over the top.

Dunkin’ Donuts is considering starting a delivery service. The only problem for people who think it’s too much work to get to the doughnut shop is finding another service that will pick up the doughnuts at their front door and deliver them to the couch.

A report says that 60% of Americans have to retire sooner than they planned. The other 40% are hoping that is true since they are pretty much planning on having to keep working until they are at least 96.

A report says that 60% of Americans have to retire sooner than they planned. Those are the ones whose retirement parties are held simultaneously with their funeral.

The FAA and general aviation groups have announced a summer flying safety campaign. Apparently that means passengers are pretty much on their own if they decide to book a flight in spring, autumn or winter.

Chipotle is offering hourly workers new benefits, including tuition reimbursement. Which is bad news for their employees who already have a college degree and found the only place they could get a job is at Chipotle.

A survey says that company CEOs say they will spend less and hire fewer people based on the economic outlook. Mostly because they have stretched the company budget as far as they can staffing their office with a chauffeur, trainer and personal chef.

A study says a blood test could help detect Alzheimer’s Disease twenty years in advance of any symptoms. The only problem is when the people forget where they put their test results.

A study says that kids who watch “Sesame Street” do better in school. In fact, three of the last four National Spelling Bee winners got their start with the word “Snuffaluffagus.”

Triple Crown winner American Pharoah is being considered for having its picture on a box of Wheaties. Although General Mills also wants him on their box with their new logo “Get as big as a horse with Cookie Crisp cereal!”

Researchers say that injuries from high heels are on the rise. Mostly from women hitting their husbands with their flats when they catch them staring at another woman’s pumps.

A study says that some hospitals are marking up some of their treatments by 1,000%. It was actually 10,000% except the hospitals commissioned the study and paid them more to lower the amount.

A study says that some hospitals are marking up some of their treatments by 1,000%. The good news is that if the patient dies the family is only charged with a 750% markup.

A study says that people born in October have the highest risk of disease. Mostly because they eat so poorly because their birthday party is followed by Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.

A study says the world’s population is getting sicker. The cause is being blamed on more pollution, widespread poverty and recent world wide expansion by Taco Bell.

A study says that only 5% of the world’s population has no health problems. Those are the ones who live in Outer Mongolia and are the only people who have never heard of Ronald McDonald.

A study says that memory loss is not caused by cholesterol reducing drugs. It’s caused by not getting any oxygen to the brain because their cholesterol count has given their blood the viscosity of maple syrup.

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson says that illegal immigration is at its lowest since 1972. Mostly because without an immigration policy it’s pretty much legal for anyone to just walk into the country.

Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson says that illegal immigration is at its lowest since 1972. Which means the good news about the economic crash is that we are so poor that even people in Third World countries are taking a step backwards coming across our border.

A study says that spouses of diabetics are twice as likely to develop the condition. Which makes for a new phrase in the medical community, “The family that eats pizza and not Wheaties together tends to get diabetes together.”

Snoop Dogg is suing Pabst Blue Ribbon, saying they owe him money for a portion of the sales price of its Colt 45 malt beer line. It’s the first time a rapper and a Colt 45 have been mentioned in the same sentence that wasn’t about a post concert shootout.

Snoop Dogg is suing Pabst Blue Ribbon, saying they owe him money for a portion of the sales price of its Colt 45 malt beer line. People are more interested to know what kind of weed Snoop has switched to that would make him high enough to sign a deal with Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Jennifer Lopez is being sued for “disturbing public order” over an appearance at a music festival in Morocco. Legal experts say it will be a hard case to win, mostly for the part where they have to show there has actually ever been a public order in Morocco.

Jennifer Lopez is being sued for “disturbing public order” over an appearance at a music festival in Morocco. It will be a hard lawsuit to win as she has never even been held accountable for her part in the movie “Gigli.”

Kate Moss was reportedly kicked off an easyJet flight after having a meltdown when the crew ran out of sandwiches. People were shocked. A supermodel ordered a sandwich?

Kate Moss was reportedly kicked off an easyJet flight from Turkey after having a meltdown when the crew ran out of sandwiches. How could she still want a sandwich when she just left Turkey?

Kate Moss was reportedly kicked off an easyJet flight after having a meltdown when the crew ran out of sandwiches. People were shocked. When did things get so bad for Kate Moss that she has to fly a discount airline and vacation in Turkey?

The two sisters molested by their brother Josh Duggar say that he made some “bad choices.” Although not as bad as the one by TLC to air a reality show about a family that’s claim to fame is pumping out 19 kids.

The condition of a woman who was hit by a shattered bat at Fenway Park has been upgraded to “fair.” Apparently that call was changed after the stretcher she was on that was being wheeled out of the park by paramedics rolled back inside the baseline.

Tiger Woods says he is working on improving his game “step by step.” If nothing else, he is taking a lot more steps getting around the golf course chasing down 85 shots a round.

LeBron James gave his all of his teammates an Apple Watch. Apparently he wants to make them more aware of how long 48 minutes is so they don’t have to play any more of the NBA Finals in overtime.

A company has introduced a doll that turns red in the sun to teach kids about sunscreen. Children will know it is time to come in when the doll develops third degree burns followed by melanoma and then spontaneous combustion.

A company has introduced a doll that turns red in the sun to teach kids about sunscreen. Apparently the ability to make plastic turn red came from the same technology that allows Cher to blush.

Apple says that Siri processes up to 1 Billion questions a week. The question that signals the user really needs some help is when they ask Siri where they put their iPhone.

Apple says that Siri processes up to 1 Billion questions a week. The most popular question comes from people who stare at their iPhone 18 hours a day who ask why they don’t have any friends.

The National Geographic Channel is planning to perform an autopsy on a life-like T-Rex dinosaur. Apparently it is pretty much a practice run for any surgeons who may have to one day operate on Larry King.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Game 3 of the NBA Finals is tonight. Which is good news in it means after the series is over there will be a whole five days off before the next season starts. The question is who will have to perform the Heimlich Maneuver tonight when LeBron James inevitably chokes again. I just hate the games because they come on before our news and I get stuck late at work watching them trade free throws for the last 45 minutes. Just remember, I may be groggy because of that so the jokes may not be as good tomorrow. Or they could be better. Whichever. I will get over it much easier if all of you just remember to keep sending the love!

No comments: