Sunday, June 07, 2015

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A report says that China is building a massive database of Americans’ personal information. They acquired it through hacking, phishing but mostly just buying it from the people who already have it, a group of Nigerian princes.

A report says that China is building a massive database of Americans’ personal information. Who do they think they are, Google?

A cat-carried parasite is being linked to schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. It’s the first time anything feline related has been associated with mental health disorders other than the people who sit around all day watching cat videos online.

A study says that listening to Mozart can boost a person’s memory. The first sign is when they suddenly remember why they hate listening to classical music.

A report says Senator Marco Rubio and his wife have gotten 17 traffic tickets over the past several years. Which explains why he is running for the White House, so that someone else can chauffeur his family around in the presidential limo.

A Chinese company that develops online games bid $2.35 Million dollars to win a private lunch with Warren Buffett. The format of the luncheon is being described as a Chinese-Buffett.

A Chinese company that develops online games bid $2.35 Million dollars to win a private lunch with Warren Buffett. Ironically, Buffett’s advice to people who want to have financial security is to not sit around all day playing online games.

A Chinese company that develops online games bid $2.35 Million dollars to win a private lunch with Warren Buffett. What the company doesn’t realize is that the lunch also comes with a mandatory 20% gratuity of $470,000.

Scientists are studying ancient weather to uncover clues as to what is going on with today’s climate. The way they look back into prehistoric conditions is with tree rings, river sediment and looking at early air checks from Willard Scott.

A Michigan teenager has started a 57 mile journey to raise awareness of cerebral palsy by carrying his brother the entire distance on his back. It will be the longest distance anyone has had to carry their brother on their back since Jeb Bush started to run for the White House.

A New Mexico man was arrested for breaking into a house where he was caught cooking a baked potato while wiping off the counter and raking the leaves. The woman who owns the house says she wants him sentenced to live there another six months.

Triple Crown winner American Pharoah’s breeding rights were reportedly sold for more than $20 Million. Depending on the number of offspring produced, it’s a deal that could make the horse eligible for a second career in the NBA.

After American Pharoah won the Triple Crown, it was pointed out that “Pharoah” is spelled incorrectly. Apparently it had to do with the money to buy the horse being raised through a pyramid scheme.

A study says the combined worth of all the land in the contiguous U.S. is $23 Trillion. Although if you take away L.A., Manhattan and San Francisco what’s left adds up to about $3.7 Million.

New Jersey is the state with the most valuable land, with a worth of $196,000 an acre. Mostly because there is so little available land with more than three quarters of the state designated as sacred Mob burial grounds.

A report says that Chinese hackers got access to the personal data of 4 Million government employees by easily getting past a counter-hacking system called Einstein 3. To which the hacking victims are saying “Nice going, Einstein.”

Boeing is predicting an increase in air traffic and plane sales. Mostly because they have figured out a way to sell more planes by cramming another 40 seats into the coach section.

Deutsche Bank is looking into a $6 Billion money laundering scheme by Russians. Apparently it had to do with the Russians trying to make their final payoffs for the 2018 World Cup before all the FIFA officials are carted off to prison.

Game 1 of the NBA Finals was the highest rated since they have been on ABC. Apparently there were a lot of people wanting to see how LeBron James could still manage to use one hand to shoot while the other was clutching his throat.

Triple Crown winner American Pharoah has inked a deal with a private jet service. Which is good news for the people who would have been booked for the adjoining seats if he had decided to keep flying commercial.

Federal officials say new technology could end drunk driving with devices that can detect blood alcohol levels of drivers. That and GM engineering that prevents people from driving their car for months at a time while they are waiting for it to come back from the latest recall.

Pepsi is moving into making artisan craft sodas to appeal to people who shun big soda brands. Although just how many varieties can they come up with for a product that is pretty much carbonated water, sugar and food coloring?

A female libido drug has gotten the thumbs up from the FDA. Mostly because the women using the drug in tests said it made a thumbs up sound pretty good.

A court has ruled that a Frenchman in a vegetative state can be taken off life support. His family said that he felt what was the point of living a life where you couldn’t be rude and arrogant to perfect strangers?

A report says that short term health care plans that don’t meet requirements of the ACA are still attracting customers. What people don’t realize is that they are called short term health insurance because they end when the policy holders either run out of money or get sick.

Scientists say they have grown the first engineered replacement limb in a lab. It will come in handy for someone who can get a new hand and arm which will allow them to flip off the doctor when they get their hospital bill.

A study says that going gluten free for no reason doesn’t help athletes. Except that they would immediately disqualify themselves for ever being considered for being pictured on a Wheaties box.

A study says that going gluten free for no reason doesn’t help athletes. At least not as much as just bypassing diet considerations and going straight to the PEDs.

A study says that the loss of the sense of smell is linked with an early death. Especially for the people who no longer have a protection system to keep them from eating at Taco Bell.

A study says that the loss of the sense of smell is linked with an early death. Except in the cases where a man’s wife still has her sense of smell and can detect the scent of another woman’s perfume.

A study says that pregnancy can lead to changes in migraine headaches. Mostly because the headaches before being pregnant are nothing compared to the ones women get after their children are born.

A study says that air pollution is linked to an increase in mortality even when it is below EPA limits. Especially when people are afraid to go outside when there is bad air quality and end up sitting on the couch playing video games and eating a box of Oreos.

Josh Duggar’s sisters say the media coverage of his molesting them was “a thousand times worse” than being abused. Mostly because they only believe in putting their entire life on camera for everyone to see when it is for a reality show that pays them millions of dollars.

The parents in the show “Little People, Big World” say they are getting divorced after 27 years of marriage. Ironically, it was all the attention from the program that showcased life as a little person that cut their marriage short.

The Miss USA pageant has offered a judge role to Caitlyn Jenner. The offer is being considered as Jenner would like to make being transgender more mainstream, would like to help other women and needs the money to go shopping for a completely new wardrobe.

Singer Ellie Goulding says she played matchmaker to set up Taylor Swift with Calvin Harris. Which means she will be asking for some of the royalties for the song Swift writes about after they break up in another three days.

The Mets are dropping their six man pitching rotation that manager Terry Collins called a “pain in the butt.” Apparently the team feels if they are going to win, they need to go back to the more traditional pain in the butt of steroid injections.

Alex Rodriguez has passed Barry Bonds for second place on the all time RBI list with 1,997. Which has the same sports credibility as Hulk Hogan passing The Undertaker in all time wrestling wins.

Alex Rodriguez has passed Barry Bonds for second place on the all time RBI list with 1,997. Which has people caring about as much as if Justing Bieber passes Kim Kardashian in Twitter followers.

Pat Venditte of the Oakland A’s has become the first pitcher in Major League Baseball to throw with both arms in the same game. The only problem is when the manager decides it’s time to replace the lefty.

Pat Venditte of the Oakland A’s has become the first pitcher in Major League Baseball to throw with both arms in the same game. It was the greatest display of ambidextrousness since Babe Ruth was able to down three hot dogs with one hand while holding two beers in the other.

A website shows where light conditions in any area are similar to what it’s like 3 Billion miles away on Pluto at noon. As opposed to the lamp used by proctologists which shows the amount of light on Uranus. (It’s old, it’s juvenile but still always funny!)

A website shows where light conditions in any area are similar to what it’s like 3 Billion miles away on Pluto at noon. The only good thing about being on Pluto is that it would take approximately 37 years of being in direct sunlight without any protection to start worrying about getting sunburned.

A report says the U.S. was warned that a computer system that was hacked by the Chinese was open to cyberattack. The worst part is that the report was sent to the agency by e-mail and was kicked by the system into the spam file.

A Disney written policy says workers cannot reveal which characters they play at theme parks. Although that isn’t a problem with Disney actors who deny playing any role in the movie “The Lone Ranger.”

Haier Asia has unveiled a refrigerator that looks and sounds like R2D2. Not only that, it was designed with the help of Harrison Ford so that it can hold up to three cases of Boost Plus.

A new app identifies plants and flowers with just a picture. So far the only pictures sent in are the 7,283 photos from Colorado residents who want to know what strain of marijuana is growing in their garden.

The White House has created a Twitter account for a red-tailed hawk that has built a nest on the grounds. It is the first hawk that has established a territory at the White House since Dick Cheney was still in office.

Tiger Woods shot an 85 in the third round at the Memorial Tournament in Columbus. At least that has given tournament organizers the idea for next year’s event to honor the memory of his career.

Chicago Blackhawks forward Andrew Shaw refuses to say if he bit a player on the Tampa Bay Lightning during a fight. Analysts doubt it as it is against the players’ unwritten code, could result in a suspension and that he only has three teeth left.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It was a big sports weekend as the French Open crowned its winners, the NBA Finals are underway and it’s June and the Cubs are still not mathematically eliminated. Of course, those all concern professional sports. As far as the joke department goes I am still reluctantly holding onto my amateur status. Until that changes I will just continue to accept my trophy every time you all remember to send the love!

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